Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
	-- Alfred Hitchcock
%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?

	-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
	-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?
	-- Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
%
... The beginning of knowledge is the discovery
of something we do not understand ...

	-- Frank Herbert
%
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing,
while others judge us by what we have done.

	-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent
perspiration.

	-- Thomas A. Edison
%
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

	-- Albert Einstein
%
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.
	-- Oscar Wilde
%
If you do not wish a thing heard, do not say it.

	-- Klingon
%
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."
	-- Sledge Hammer
%
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"
	-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"
	-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_
%
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
	-- C. Schulz
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

	-- Joe Walsh
%
Common sense can't be all that common since so many people claim
to not have any.

	-- K. Grover
%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

	-- O'Henry
%
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends."

	-- Herbert Hoover
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

	-- Sean O'Casey
%
It is better to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are a fool
Than to open it an remove all doubt.

	-- Samual Clemmens
%
"Just the facts, Ma'am"
	-- Joe Friday
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
	-- W. C. Fields
%
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
is a match.
	-- Will Rogers
%
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
	-- Art Buchwald
%
"I think I am! I think I am!"

	-- The Little Engine that Philosophized
%
*   "Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "I read part of it all the way through."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "When I want your opinion I will give it to you." 
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them 
      their jobs."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "A hospital is no place to be sick."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "You fail to overlook the crucial point."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "A bachelor's life is no life for a single man". 
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
*   "In two words im-possible." 
    --- Samuel Goldwyn
%
"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"
 --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo."
 --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"I conduct faster so you can see my beat."
 --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?"
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Did you play? It sounded very good."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Long note? Yes. Make it seem short."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it soft."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third. The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player. It's named 'Blumine,' which has something to do with flowers."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money you have to be flexible."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to."
    --- Eugene Ormandy
%
"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."
%
"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."
%
"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."
%
"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."
%
"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."
%
"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."
%
"The wind is like the air, only pushier."
%
"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."
%
Heard in a Library:
"I'm looking for a book."
%
Heard in a Library:
"Do you have books here?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.
%
Heard in a Library:
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
%
Heard in a Library:
"Is the basement upstairs?"
%
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.
%
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want
it to do.
%
I'm the computer your mother warned you about.
%
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
%
No maintenance: Impossible to fix.
%
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
	-- Wheeler
%
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
	-- Shakespeare
%
Be sure your ladder of success is leaning against the right wall.
	-- Dobson
%
If you haven't the time to do it right now, how will you redo it
right later?
%
We are not victims of the world we see, we are victims of the way
we see the world.
%
The smallest of good deeds exceeds the greatest of good intentions.
%
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't go anywhere.
%
Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without
being discouraged.
%
You always find what you're looking for in the last place you look.
%
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
%
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
%
If you aim at nothing, you are bound to hit it.
%
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.
%
Invention is the mother of necessity.
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
%
Murphys Law: If something can go wrong...
%
It will, and at the worst possible time.
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
%
Don't panic.
%
Anyone who says that air is free is not a diver.
%
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
%
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
%
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Wake up and smell the coffee.
		-- Ann Landers
%
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
*parks* on *driveways*?
		-- Gallagher
%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
		-- Steven Wright
%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
		-- Steven Wright
%
Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth?
Linus:		To make others happy.
Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth?
%
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
%
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
%
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
%
Neville Longbottom: Right then, so what's the plan Harry?
Harry Potter:       Okay, there's something we need to find,
                    something hidden here in the castle, and it may
                    help us defeat You-Know-Who.
Neville Longbottom: Right, what is it?
Harry Potter:       We don't know.
Dean Thomas:        Where is it?
Harry Potter:       We don't know that either. I realize that's not
                    much to go on.
Seamus Finnigan:    That's nothing to go on. 

	-- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  Part 2
%
Harry Potter:     We have to go there, now.
Hermione Granger: What? We can't do that! We've got to plan! We've
                  got to figure it out...
Harry Potter:     [interrupting] Hermione! When have any of our plans
                  ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all
                  hell breaks loose! 

	-- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  Part 2
%
With Alien life forms ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to do
or become permanently deactivated.
    -- The Robot - Lost in Space episode Castles in Space
%
He who turns and runs away may get his information another day.
    -- The Robot - Lost in Space episode Wreck of the Robot
%
Warning, it is very foolhardy to activate a super Android when
you do not know if he will be in a good mood or not.
    -- The Robot - Lost in Space episode Revolt of the Androids
%
Mine is not to question why. Mine is but to do or die.
    -- The Robot - Lost in Space episode Hunter's Moon
%
My scanners have just had their 25,000 hour checkup. They are in
perfect working order.
    -- The Robot - Lost in Space episode The Anti-matter man
%
Yours is not to question why, yours is but to do or die.
    -- Dr. Smith - Lost in Space episode Space Circus  
%
Never fear Smith is here, I know exactly what I'm doing.
    -- Dr. Smith - Lost in Space episode The Toymaker
%
Don't worry Robot, it's just a dented diode and a twisted transistor.
    -- Will Robinson - Lost in Space episode Space Destructors
%
What to do in case of an alien attack:

    1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.
    2)   Avoid eye contact.
    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.

    -- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became
a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren't nearly
through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well.
    -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII
%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
%
	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
	"Why, what did she tell you?"
	"I don't know, I didn't listen."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
			-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning
cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
better get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
get the right gift.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
	        -- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
O! Wanderers in the shadowed land
despair not!  For though dark they stand,
all woods there be must end at last,
and see the open sun go past:
the setting sun, the rising sun,
the day's end, or the day begun.
For east or west all woods must fail ...
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
How doth the little crocodile
	Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
	On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
	How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
	With gently smiling jaws!
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
another day's useless energies spent.

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
Senior citizens wish they were young.

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white.
But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
		-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
%
And so it was, later,
As the miller told his tale,
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.
		-- Procol Harum
%
  All that you touch,     And all you create,
  All that you see,       And all you destroy,
  All that you taste,     All that you do,
  All you feel,           And all you say,
  And all that you love,  All that you eat,
  And all that you hate,  And everyone you meet,
  All you distrust,       All that you slight,
  All you save,           And everyone you fight,
  And all that you give,  And all that is now,
  And all that you deal,  And all that is gone,
  All that you buy,       And all that's to come,
  Beg, borrow or steal,   And everything under the sun is in tune,
              But the sun is eclipsed
              By the moon.

There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
		-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
%
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better 
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
All these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more.
		-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
%
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
		-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
%