     [wind]
     [clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Whoa there!
     [clop clop] 
GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there? 
ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.
         King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  I am.  And this my trusty servant Patsy.  We have ridden the length and
         breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court
         of Camelot.  I must speak with your Lord and master.
GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:  Yes!
GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:  What?
GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em 
together.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land,
         through the kingdom of Mercea, through-
GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR:  We found them.
GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:  What do you mean?
GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the
         plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to
         our land.
GUARD #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?
ARTHUR:  Not at all, they could be carried.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? 
ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple question of
           weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master that Arthur
         from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to
           beat its wings 43 times every second, right? 
ARTHUR:  Please!
GUARD #1:  Am I right?
ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!
GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow,
           that's my point.
GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
    [clop clop]
GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead! 
            Bring out your dead!
    [clang] Bring out your dead!
    [clang] Bring out your dead!
    [clang] Bring out your dead!
    [clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN:  What?
CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN:  I can't.
CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't be long.
MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
 
CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there something you
           can do?
DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
     [whop]
CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:  Right.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
     [clop clop]
MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
CUSTOMER:  I don't know.
MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:  Why?
MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got shit all over him.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
      [clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Old woman!
DENNIS:  Man!
ARTHUR:  Man, sorry.  What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR:  What?
DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By exploitin' the
         workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which
         perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If
         there's ever going to be any progress--
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh - how d'you do?
ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.  Who's
         castle is that?
WOMAN:  King of the who?
ARTHUR:  The Britons.
WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
        collective.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship. A self-
         perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN:  No one live there.
ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR:  What?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take it in turns
         to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR:  Yes.
DENNIS:  But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special
         biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR:  I am your king!
WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest
         shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water
         signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
         [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis
         for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives from a
         mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some
         watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR:  Shut up!
DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some
         moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR:  Shut up!
DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!  HELP! HELP! I'm
         being repressed!
ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that, eh?
         That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it
         didn't you?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
[battle sounds]
     [Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-shit-knight]
ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. I am Arthur, King
         of the Britons.
     [pause]
         I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to 
         join me in my Court of Camelot.
     [pause]
         You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
     [pause]
         You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
ARTHUR:  What?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
ARTHUR:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this
         bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.
ARTHUR:  I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  So be it!
     [hah]
     [parry thrust]
     [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.
ARTHUR:  Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on you pansy!
     [hah]
     [parry thrust]
     [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR:  Victory is mine!
     [kneeling]
         We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
     [Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on then.
ARTHUR:  What?
BLACK KNIGHT:  Have at you!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR:  Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT:  Yes I have.
ARTHUR:  Look!
BLACK KNIGHT:  Just a flesh wound.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
     [Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR:  Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT:  Chicken!  Chicken!
ARTHUR:  Look, I'll have your leg.  Right!
     [whop]
BLACK KNIGHT:  Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR:  You'll what?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BLACK KNIGHT:  Come 'ere!
ARTHUR:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT:  I'm invincible!
ARTHUR:  You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT:  The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
     [whop]
     [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT:  All right; we'll call it a draw.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, oh, I see, running away then.  You yellow bastards!  Come
               back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!  A witch!  We've got a witch!  A witch!
VILLAGER #1:  We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
BEDEMIR:  How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Bring her forward.
WITCH:  I'm not a witch.  I'm not a witch.
BEDEMIR:  But you are dressed as one.
WITCH:  They dressed me up like this.
CROWD:  No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH:  And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Well?
VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEMIR:  The nose?
VILLAGER #1:  And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD:  Burn her!  Witch!  Witch!  Burn her!
BEDEMIR:  Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD:  No, no... no ... yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
VILLAGER #1:  She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR:  What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR:  A newt?
VILLAGER #3:  I got better.
VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
CROWD:  Burn!  Burn her!
BEDEMIR:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether she is a
          witch.
CROWD:  Are there?  What are they?
BEDEMIR:  Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2:  Burn!
CROWD:  Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR:  And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1:  More witches!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
VILLAGER #2:  Wood!
BEDEMIR:  So, why do witches burn?
     [pause]
VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEMIR:  Good!
CROWD:  Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR:  So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1:  Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2:  Oh, yeah.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1:  No, no.
VILLAGER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
VILLAGER #1:  Throw her into the pond!
CROWD:  The pond!
BEDEMIR:  What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1:  Bread!
VILLAGER #2:  Apples!
VILLAGER #3:  Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1:  Cider!
VILLAGER #2:  Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1:  Cherries!
VILLAGER #2:  Mud!
VILLAGER #3:  Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2:  Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR:  A duck.
CROWD:  Oooh.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Exactly!  So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1:  If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
BEDEMIR:  And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1:  A witch!
CROWD:  A witch! 
BEDEMIR:  We shall use my largest scales!
     [yelling]
BEDEMIR:  Right, remove the supports!
     [whop]
     [creak]
CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!
WITCH:  It's a fair cop.
CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
  [yelling]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR:  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEMIR:  My liege!
ARTHUR:  Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the
         Round Table?
BEDEMIR:  My liege!  I would be honoured.
ARTHUR:  What is your name?
BEDEMIR:  Bedemir, my liege.
ARTHUR:  Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.  
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
   [Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR:  The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but
           other illustrious names were soon to follow: 
           Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
           Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
           of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
           and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
           the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.  Together they formed
           a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the
           centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR:  This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir.  Explain again how sheeps'
         bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR:  Oh, certainly, sir.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Look, my liege!
ARTHUR:  Camelot!
GALAHAD:  Camelot!
LAUNCELOT:  Camelot!
PATSY:  It's only a model.
ARTHUR:  Shhh!  Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.  Let us ride... to
         Camelot.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
KNIGHTS: 
      [singing]
     We're knights of the round table
     We dance when e'er we're able
     We do routines and chorus scenes
     With footwork impecc-able.
     We dine well here in Camelot
     We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

      [dancing]
     We're knights of the Round Table
     Our shows are for-mid-able
     Oh many times we're given rhymes
     That are quite unsing-able
     We're opera mad in Camelot
     We sing from the diaphragm a lot

      [tap-dancing]
     Oh we're tough and able
     Quite indefatigable
     Between our quests we sequin vests
     And impersonate Clark Gable
     It's a busy life in Camelot

      [single man]
     I have to push the pram a lot.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is a silly
         place. Right.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GOD:  Arthur!  Arthur, King of the Britons!  Oh, don't grovel!  If there's one
      thing I can't stand, it's people grovelling.
ARTHUR:  Sorry--
GOD:  And don't apologise.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry
      this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".  What are you doing
      now!?
ARTHUR:  I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD:  Well, don't.  It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing.
      Now knock it off!
ARTHUR:  Yes, Lord.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GOD:  Right!  Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the Round Table
      shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR:  Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD:  'Course it's a good idea!  Behold!  Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.  Look
      well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your
      purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
ARTHUR:  A blessing!
LAUNCELOT:  A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD:  God be praised!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
      [clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Halt!  Hallo!  Hallo!
GUARD:  'Allo!  Who is zis?
ARTHUR:  It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round Table.  Who's
         castle is this?
GUARD:  This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer!
ARTHUR:  Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
         quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join
         us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD:  Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's
        already got one, you see?
ARTHUR:  What?
GALAHAD:  He says they've already got one!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD:  Oh, yes, it's very nice-a  (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR:  Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD:  Of course not!  You are English types-a!
ARTHUR:  Well, what are you then?
GUARD:  I'm French!  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!
GALAHAD:  What are you doing in England?
GUARD:  Mind your own business!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
GUARD:  You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your bottoms, sons
        of a silly person.  I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you
        and all your silly English kaniggets.   Thppppt!
GALAHAD:  What a strange person.
ARTHUR:  Now look here, my good man!
GUARD:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough
        water!  I fart in your general direction!  You mother was a hamster and
        your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD:  Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD:  No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Now, this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD:  (Fetch-e la vache.)     wha?
GUARD:  (Fetch-e la vache!)
     [moo!]
ARTHUR:  If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
     [twong]
     [mooooooo]
     Jesus Christ!     Right!  Charge!
ALL: Charge!
     [mayhem]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GUARD:  Ah, this one is for your mother!
     [twong]
ALL:  Run away!
GUARD:  Thpppt!
     [ after running away...]
LAUNCELOT:  Fiends!  I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR:  No no, no.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Sir!  I have a plan, sir.
      [later]
      [chop]
      [rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS:  ce labon a bunny do  wha?  un codoo? a present! oh, un codoo.
                   oui oui hurry!  wha-?  let's go!
     [rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR:  What happens now?
BEDEMIR:  Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and
          then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
          by surprise, but totally unarmed! 
ARTHUR:  Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR:  Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I.  Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and
          uh....
ARTHUR:  Oh....
BEDEMIR:  Oh....  Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
     [twong]
 ALL:  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!
     [splat]
GUARDS:  Oh, haw haw haw.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
           Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR:  Action! 
NARRATOR:  Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
           The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise,
           and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the
           quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
           conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided
           that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.
           Now, this is what they did--
     [clop clop]
     [An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narrator]
WOMAN:  Greg!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Robin....     So each of the knights went their
           separate ways.  Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of
           Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
  Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
  He was not afraid to die, oh Brave Sir Robin. 
  He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. 
  Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! 
  He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, 
  Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. 
  To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, 
  And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! 
  His head smashed in, and his heart cut out, 
  And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, 
  And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off, 
  And his penis split ... and his ...
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ROBIN:  That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like
        there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS:  Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN:  Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom.  Now I've dropped my mud.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ALL HEADS:  Halt!  Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing):  He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.
ALL HEADS:  What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing):  To fight, and--
ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um,
        just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS:  I'm afraid not!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ROBIN:  Ah.  W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS:  You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN:  I am.
LEFT HEAD:  In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD:  Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD:  Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD:  I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD:  Well let's be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD:  Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD:  Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD:  And you.
LEFT HEAD:  Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes, do us all a favour!
LEFT HEAD:  What?
RIGHT HEAD:  Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD:  You're lucky, you're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD:  What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD:  You snore.
LEFT HEAD:  Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD:  Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD:  Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD:  All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
            and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes.
RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD:  All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS:  Right!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LEFT HEAD:  He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD:  So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing):  Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN:  No!
MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely ran away away
ROBIN:  I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing):  When danger reared its ugly head,           
                     He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN:  No!
MINSTREL (singing):  Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN:  I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing):  And gallantly he chickened out              
                     Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN:  I never did!
MINSTREL (singing):  He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN:  Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing):  Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN:  I never!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Galahad
      [boom crash]
      [angels singing]
      [pound pound pound]
GALAHAD:  Open the door!     Open the door!
      [pound pound pound]
     In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
     [squeak thump]
     [squeak boom]
ALL:  Hello!
ZOOT:  Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD:  The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT:  Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it?  Oh! but we are nice and we
       shall attend to your every, every need!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GALAHAD:  You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT:  The what?
GALAHAD:  The Grail -- it is here?
ZOOT:  Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile.  Midget! Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER:  Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT:  Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER:  Oh thank you thank you thank you--
ZOOT:  Away away vile peasents!  The beds here are warm and soft -- and very,
       very big.
GALAHAD:  Well, look, I-I-uh--
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ZOOT:  What is your name, handsome knight?
ALAHAD:  Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT:  Mine is Zoot... just Zoot.  Oh, but come!
GALAHAD:  Look, please!  In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT:  Oh, you have suffered much!  You are delirious!
GALAHAD:  L-look, I have seen it!  It is here, in the--
ZOOT:  Sir Galahad!  You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD:  Well, I-I-uh--
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ZOOT:  Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours.
       We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen
       and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect
       us!  Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making
       exciting underwear....  We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay,
       nay, come, come, you may lie here.  Oh, but you are wounded!  
GALAHAD:  No, no -- i-it's nothing!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ZOOT:  Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately!  No, no, please, lie down.
     [clap clap]
PIGLET:  Ah.  What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD:  They're doctors?!
ZOOT:  Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD:  B-but--
ZOOT:  Oh, come come, you must try to rest!  Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston,
       practice your art.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
PIGLET:  Try to relax.
GALAHAD:  Are you sure that's necessary?
PIGLET:  We must examine you.
GALAHAD:  There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET:  Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD:  Get off the bed!  I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET:  Back to your bed!
GALAHAD:  Torment me no longer!  I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET:  There's no grail here.
GALAHAD:  I have seen it, I have seen it.  I have seen--
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GIRLS:  Hello.
GALAHAD:  Oh--
VARIOUS GIRLS:  Hello.     Hello.     Hello.     Hello.     Hello.     Hello.
                Hello.     Hello.     Hello.     Hello.     Hello.     Hello.
GALAHAD:  Zoot!
DINGO:  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD:  Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO:  Where are you going?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GALAHAD:  I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO:  No!  Oh, no!  Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD:  What is it?
DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting alight to our
        beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's not the first
        time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD:  It's not the real Grail?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!  Oh, she is a naughty person, and
        she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one
        punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon.  You must tie her
        down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
DINGO:  You must spank her well.  And after you have spanked her, you may deal
        with her as you like.  And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS:  And spank me.     And me.     And me.
DINGO:  Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
DINGO:  And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS:  Oral sex!  Oral sex!
GALAHAD:  Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD:  Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
GALAHAD:  What?
LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
GALAHAD:  Why?
LAUNCELOT:  You're in great peril!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD:  Now look, it's not important.
LAUNCELOT:  Quick!  Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD:  Look, I'm fine!
LAUNCELOT:  Come on!
GALAHAD:  Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO:  Yes!  Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS:  Yes!  Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT:  No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD:  No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
DINGO:  Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
GIRLS:  Yes, yes!
GALAHAD:  Wait!  I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred and fifty of them!
DINGO:  Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS:  Yes, yes.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
     [boom]
DINGO:  Oh, shit.
     [outside]
LAUNCELOT:  We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT:  Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD:  Look, it's my duty as a knight to try to sample as much peril as I
          can.
LAUNCELOT:  No, we've got to find the Holy Grail.  Come on!
GALAHAD:  Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT:  No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD:  Bet you're gay!
LAUNCELOT:  No, I'm not.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
  Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR:  Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation,
           but they were still no nearer the Grail.  Meanwhile, King Arthur and
           Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had  discovered
           something.  Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I
           mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
           really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the
           birds were walking and dragging--
CROWD:  Get on with it!
NARRATOR:  Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with
           some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which
           there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -
           oolp!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
OLD MAN:  Ah, hee he he ha!
ARTHUR:  And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
OLD MAN:  Ha ha he he he he!
ARTHUR:  Where does he live?  Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN:  He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ARTHUR:  And the Grail... The Grail is there?
OLD MAN:  Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,
          which no man has ever crossed.
ARTHUR:  But the Grail!  Where is the Grail!?
OLD MAN:  Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR:  The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
OLD MAN:  Hee hee ha ha!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!     Nee!     Nee!     Nee!
ARTHUR:  Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
ARTHUR:  No!  Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT:  The same!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the keepers of the sacred words:  Nee, Pang, and Nee-wom!
RANDOM:  Nee-wom!
ARTHUR:  Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT:  The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR:  Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who
         lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
HEAD KNIGHT:  We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR:  Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We want... a shrubbery!
     [dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:  A what?
HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
ARTHUR:  Please, please!  No more!  We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:  You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass
              through this wood alive!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
         shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:  One that looks nice.
ARTHUR:  Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT:  And not too expensive.
ARTHUR:  Yes.
HEAD KNIGHTS:  Now... go!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Launcelot. 
FATHER:  One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT:  What, the curtains?
FATHER:  No, not the curtains, lad.  All that you can see! Stretched out over
         the hills and valleys of this land!  This'll be your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT:  But, Mother--
FATHER:  Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT:  But Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER:  Listen, lad.  I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started
         here, all there was was swamp.  The king said I was daft to build a
         castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em.  It
         sank into the swamp.  So, I built a second one. That sank into the
         swamp.  So I built a third one.  That burned down, fell over, then sank
         into the swamp.  But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your
         gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
HERBERT:  But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
FATHER:  Rather what?!
HERBERT:  I'd rather... just...     [music]     ...sing!
FATHER:  Stop that, stop that!  You're not going to do a song while I'm here.
         Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl
         whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT:  But I don't want land.
FATHER:  Listen, Alice...
HERBERT:  Herbert.
FATHER:  Herbert.  We live in a bloody swamp.  We need all the
land we can get.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
HERBERT:  But I don't like her.
FATHER:  Don't like her?!  What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful, she's rich,
         she's got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT:  I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain...
          special... [music]  ...something...
FATHER:  Cut that out, cut that out.  Look, you're marryin' Princess Looky, so
         you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards!  Make sure the
         Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GUARD #1:  Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2:  Hic!
FATHER:  No, no.  Until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1:  Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER:  No, no, no.  You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:  And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2:  Hic!
FATHER:  Right.
GUARD #1:  We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the
           room.
FATHER:  No, no.  Leaving the room.
GUARD #1:  Leaving the room, yes.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  All right?
GUARD #1:  Right.  Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER:  Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1:  Oh, if-if, oh--
FATHER:  Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1:  Uh...
FATHER:  You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?  
GUARD #2:  Hic!
FATHER:  Right.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GUARD #1:  Oh, I remember.  Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER:  N- No no no.  You just keep him in here, and make sure--
GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had to leave
           and we were--
FATHER:  No, no, just keep him in here--
GUARD #1:  Until you, or anyone else,--
FATHER:  No, not anyone else, just me--
GUARD #1:  Just you.
GUARD #2:  Hic!
FATHER:  Get back.
GUARD #1:  Get back.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  Right?
GUARD #1:  Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER:  And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:  What?
FATHER:  Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:  The Prince?
FATHER:  Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, of course.  I thought you meant him.  Y'know, it seemed a
           bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER:  Is that clear?
GUARD #2:  Hic!
GUARD #1:  Oh, quite clear, no problems.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  Right.
     [starts to leave]
     Where are you going?
GUARD #1:  We're coming with you.
FATHER:  No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1:  Oh, I see.  Right.
HERBERT:  But, Father!
FATHER:  Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on!  And no singing!
GUARD #2:  Hic!
FATHER:  Oh, go get a glass of water.   
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE:  Thank you, sir!  Most kind.
LAUNCELOT:  And again... Over we go!  Good.  Steady!  And now, the big
            one...Ooof!  Come on, Concorde!
     [thwonk]
CONCORDE:  Message for you, sir.
     [fwump]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Concorde!  Concorde, speak to me!  "To whoever finds this note, I
            have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my
            will.  Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall
            tower of Swamp Castle."  At last!  A call, a cry of distress!  This
            could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave
            Concorde!  You shall not have died in vain! 
CONCORDE:  Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT:  Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
CONCORDE:  Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
LAUNCELOT:  Oh, I see.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
CONCORDE:  Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
LAUNCELOT:  No, no, sweet Concorde!  Stay here!  I will send help as soon as I
            have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular...
           (sigh)
CONCORDE:  Idiom, sir?
LAUNCELOT:  Idiom!
CONCORDE:  No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
LAUNCELOT:  Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE:  I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. 
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
GUARD #1:  Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
LAUNCELOT:  O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot of Camelot.  I
            have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT:  You got my note!
LAUNCELOT:  Uh, well, I got A note.
HERBERT:  You've come to rescue me!
LAUNCELOT:  Uh, well, no, you see--
HERBERT:  I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there
          must be...     [music]     ...someone...
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  Stop that, stop that, stop it!  Stop it!  Who are you?
HERBERT:  I'm your son!
FATHER:  No, not you.
LAUNCELOT:  I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
HERBERT:  He's come to rescue me, father.
LAUNCELOT:  Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER:  Did you kill all the guard?
LAUNCELOT:  Uh..., oh, yes.  Sorry.
FATHER:  They cost fifty pounds each.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
HERBERT:  Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!
FATHER:  You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT:  Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER:  I can understand that.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Launcelot!  Hurry!
FATHER:  Shut up!  You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LAUNCELOT:  Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER:  Didn't mean to?!  You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT:  Oh, dear.  Is he all right?
FATHER:  You even kicked the bride in the chest!  This is going to cost me a
         fortune!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
LAUNCELOT:  Well, I can explain.  I was in the forest, um, riding north from
            Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER:  Camelot?  Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
LAUNCELOT:  Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
FATHER:  Pretty nice castle, Camelot.  Uh, pretty good pig country....
LAUNCELOT:  Yes.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
HERBERT:  Hurry, I'm ready!
FATHER:  Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LAUNCELOT:  Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
HERBERT:  I am ready!
     [start to leave]
LAUNCELOT:  --I mean to be, so understanding.
     [thonk]
HERBERT:  Oooh!
LAUNCELOT:  Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort
            of carried away.
FATHER:  Oh, don't worry about that.
HERBERT:  Oooh!
    [splat]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
    [wailing]
FATHER:  Well, this is the main hall.  We're going to have all this knocked
         through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM:  There he is!
FATHER:  Oh, bloody hell.
LAUNCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER:  Hold it, hold it!  Please!
LAUNCELOT:  Sorry, sorry.  See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really
            must -- sorry, sorry!  Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM:  He's killed the best man!
     [yelling]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  Hold it, please!  Hold it!  This is Sir Launcelot from the gorge of
         Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest
         here today.
LAUNCELOT:  Hello.
RANDOM:  He killed my auntie!
     [yelling]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  Please, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not
         bicker and argue about who killed who.  We are here today to witness
         the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.
         Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his
         death.  But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a
         daughter!  For, since the tragic death of her father--
RANDOM:  He's not quite dead!
FATHER:  Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
RANDOM:  He's getting better!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover,
         suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--
     [ugh]
RANDOM:  Oh, he's died!
FATHER:  And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a
         very real, and legally binding sense.
     [clapping]
         And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union - between the Princess
         and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot--
LAUNCELOT:  What?
RANDOM:  Look!  The dead Prince!
CONCORDE:  He's not quite dead!
HERBERT:  Oh, I feel much better.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
FATHER:  You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT:  No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER:  How?!
HERBERT:  Well, I'll tell you...     [music]
FATHER:  Not like that!  Not like that!  No, stop it!
SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
FATHER:  Shut up!
SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
          He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
          He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
          He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
CONCORDE:  Quickly, sir!  This way!
LAUNCELOT:  No, it's not in my idiom!  I must escape in my own
            particular....(sigh)
CONCORDE:  Dogma, sir?
LAUNCELOT:  Dogma!  Hee!  Ha!
     [crash]
            Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
      [clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Old crone!  Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a
         shrubbery!
     [dramatic chord]
CRONE:  Who sent you?
ARTHUR:  The Knights Who Say Nee.
CRONE:  Agh!  No!  Never!  We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR:  If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I
         will say... we will say... `nee'.
CRONE:  Agh!  Do your worst!
ARTHUR:  Very well!  If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
CRONE:  No!  Never!  No shrubberies!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  Nee!
BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Noo!
ARTHUR:  No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
BEDEMIR:  Noo!
ARTHUR:  No, no -- 'nee'.  You're not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Nee!
ARTHUR:  That's it, that's it, you've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR:  Nee!  Nee!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ROGER:  Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR:  Um, yes.
ROGER:  Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can `nee' at will to
        old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred.
        Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable
        economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR:  Did you say `shrubberies'?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ROGER:  Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber.  My name is Roger the
        Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEMIR:  Nee!
ARTHUR:  No!  No, no, no!  No!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly. But
              there is one small problem.
ARTHUR:  What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM:  Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh shh.  We are now the Knights Who Say 
              Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
RANDOM:  Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
     [dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here
              beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level
              effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM:  A path!  A path!  Nee!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
              mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
     [dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Don't say that word.
ARTHUR:  What word?
HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of
              Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
ARTHUR:  What, `is'?
HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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BEDEMIR:  My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing):  Packing it in and packing it up             
                     And sneaking away and buggering up          
                     And chickening out and pissing about        
                     Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR:  Oh, Robin! ROBIN:  My liege!  It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing):  He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN:  Shut up!  No, no no-- far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word again!
ROBIN:  I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:  Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR:  No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaaaugh!  Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR:  Oh, stop it!  
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh!  He said it again!
ARTHUR:  Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaugh!  I said it!  I said it!  Ooh!  I said it again!
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
  Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR:  And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their search to
           find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
           Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
           rejoicing.
ALL:  Yay!  Yay!
NARRATOR:  In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's
           minstrels.  And there was much rejoicing.
ALL:  Yay!
NARRATOR:  A year passed.  Winter changed into Spring.  Spring changed into
           Summer.  Summer changed back into Winter.  And Winter gave Spring and
           Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.  Until one day...
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  Knights!  Forward!
     [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
         What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or
         tinder?
TIM:  I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR:  By what name are you known?
TIM:  There are some who call me... Tim?
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM:  Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR:  You know my name?
TIM:  I do.
     [zoosh]
      You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR:  That is our quest.  You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM:  Quite.
     [pweeng boom]
     [clap clap clap]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail.  Our quest is to find the Holy
         Grail.
KNIGHTS:  It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
ARTHUR:  And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
KNIGHTS:  Yes we are we are.
BEDEMIR:  We have been for some time.
ROBIN:  Ages.
ARTHUR:  Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very...
         helpful...
GALAHAD:  Look, can you tell us wh-
     [boom]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  Fine, um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh I don't
         suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh,
         a, um, a uh--
TIM:  A what...?
ARTHUR:  A g--, a g--
TIM:  A Grail?!
ARTHUR:  Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS:  Yes, that's it.  Yes.
TIM:  Yes!
KNIGHTS:  Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
     [boom pweeng boom boom]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  Look, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM:  Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS:  Oh, thank you.
TIM:  To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg -- wherein,
      carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin
      Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy
     Grail.
ARTHUR:  Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM:  Follow!  But! follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this
      cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought
      with it and lived!  Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So,
      brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no
      further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
ARTHUR:  What an eccentric performance.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
         [clop clop whinny]
BEDEMIR:  They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR:  Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
TIM:  Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
ARTHUR:  Right!  Keep me covered.
BEDEMIR:  What with?
ARTHUR:  Just keep me covered.
TIM:  Too late!
     [chord]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  What?
TIM:  There he is!
ARTHUR:  Where?
TIM:  There!
ARTHUR:  What, behind the rabbit?
TIM:  It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR:  You silly sod!  You got us all worked up!
TIM:  Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.  That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-
      tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN:  You tit!  I soiled my armour I was so scared!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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TIM:  Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
GALAHAD:  Get stuffed!
TIM:  It'll do you a trick, mate!
GALAHAD:  Oh, yeah?
ROBIN:  You mangy scot's git!
TIM:  I'm warning you!
ROBIN:  What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM:  He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR:  Go on, Boris.  Chop his head off!
BORS:  Right!  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew comin' right up!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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TIM:  Look!
     [squeak]
BORS:  Aaaugh!
     [chord]
ARTHUR:  Jesus Christ!
TIM:  I warned you!
ROBIN:  I peed again!
TIM:  I warned you!  But did you listen to me?  Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't
      you?  Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?  Well, it's always
      the same,  I always--
ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up!
TIM:  --But do they listen to me?--
ARTHUR:  Right!
TIM:  -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS:  Charge!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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     [squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS:  Run away!  Run away!
TIM:  Haw haw haw.  Haw haw haw.  Haw haw.
ARTHUR:  Right.  How many did we lose?
LAUNCELOT:  Gawain.
GALAHAD:  Hector.
ARTHUR:  And Bors.  That's five.
GALAHAD:  Three, sir.
ARTHUR:  Three.  Three.  And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that
         rabbit's dynamite.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ROBIN:  Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
GALAHAD:  Let us taunt it!  It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR:  Like what?
GALAHAD:  Have we got bows?
ARTHUR:  No.
LAUNCELOT:  We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  Yes, of course!  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!  'Tis one of the
         sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him!  Brother Maynard! Bring
         up the Holy Hand Grenade!
     [singing]
        How does it, uh... how does it work?
LAUNCELOT:  I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR:  Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD:  Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER:  "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh,
          Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine
          enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'  And the Lord did grin, and
          people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
          and orang-utangs, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD:  Skip a bit, Brother.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BROTHER:  "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
          Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the
          number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be
          three.  Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
          excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once
          the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest
          thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being
          naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
MAYNARD:  Amen.
ALL:  Amen.
ARTHUR:  Right!  One... two... five!
GALAHAD:  Three, sir!
ARTHUR:  Three!
     [boom]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  There!  Look!
LAUNCELOT:  What does it say?
GALAHAD:  What language is that?
ARTHUR:  Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
MAYNARD:  It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD:  Of course!  Joseph of Aramathea!
LAUNCELOT:  Course!
ARTHUR:  What does it say, Brother?
MAYNARD:  It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea.
          He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the
          Castle of aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  What?
MAYNARD: '... the Castle of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh '.
BEDEMIR:  What is that?
MAYNARD:  He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT:  Oh, come on!
MAYNARD:  Well, that's what it says.
ARTHUR:  Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'.
         He'd just say it!
MAYNARD:  Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
GALAHAD:  Perhaps he was dictating.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up.  Well, does it say anything else?
MAYNARD:  No.  Just, 'aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'.
LAUNCELOT:  Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.
ARTHUR:  Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.
BEDEMIR:  You don't suppose he meant the Camargue?
GALAHAD:  Where's that?
BEDEMIR:  France, I think.
LAUNCELOT:  Isn't there a Saint Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?
ARTHUR:  No, that's Saint Ives.
LAUNCELOT:  Oh, yes.  Saint Iiiives.
SEVERAL:  Iiiiives.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
BEDEMIR:  Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT:  No, no, aaaaarrrrrrggghhh, at the back of the throat.
            Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.
BEDEMIR:  No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT:  Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
BEDEMIR:  Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
ARTHUR:  Oooh!
GALAHAD:  Oh, no!
     [roar]
MAYNARD:  It's the legendary Black Beast of Arrrghhh!
ARTHUR:  Run away!
ALL:  Run away!  Run away!
     [roar]
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
NARRATOR:  As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and
           his knights seemed hopeless.  When, suddenly, the animator suffered a
           fatal heart attack.  
ANIMATOR:  Aaarrrrgh!
VOICE OVER:  The cartoon peril was no more.  The Quest for Holy Grail could
             continue.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  There it is!  The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN:  Oh, great.
BEDEMIR:  Look! There's the old man from Scene 24!
BEDEMIR:  What is he doing here?
ARTHUR:  He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.  He asks each traveller five 
questions--
GALAHAD:  Three questions.
ARTHUR:  Three questions.  He who answers the five questions--
GALAHAD:  Three questions.
ARTHUR:  Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN:  What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR:  Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN:  Oh, I won't go.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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GALAHAD:  Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR:  Sir Robin!
ROBIN:  Yes?
ARTHUR:  Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN:  Hey!  I've got a great idea.  Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT:  Yes, let me go, my liege.  I will take him single-handed. I shall
            make a feint to the north-east--
ARTHUR:  No, no, hang on hang on hang on!  Just answer the five questions--
GALAHAD:  Three questions.
ARTHUR:  Three questions as best you can.  And we shall watch... and pray.
LAUNCELOT:  I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR:  Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot.  God be with you.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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KEEPER:  Stop!  Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these
         questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT:  Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.  I'm not afraid.
KEEPER:  What is your name?
LAUNCELOT:  My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
KEEPER:  What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT:  To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER:  What is your favourite colour?
LAUNCELOT:  Blue.
KEEPER:  Right.  Off you go.
LAUNCELOT:  Oh, thank you.  Thank you very much.
ROBIN:  That's easy!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
KEEPER:  Stop!  Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these
         questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
ROBIN:  Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.  I'm not afraid.
KEEPER:  What is your name?
ROBIN:  Sir Robin of Camelot.
KEEPER:  What is your quest?
ROBIN:  To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER:  What is the capital of Assyria?
ROBIN:  I don't know that!  Aaaaaaaaargh!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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KEEPER:  Stop!  What is your name?
GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad of Camelot.
KEEPER:  What is your quest?
GALAHAD:  I seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER:  What is your favourite colour?
GALAHAD:  Blue.  No yel--  Aaaaaaargh!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
KEEPER:  Heh heh.  Stop!  What is your name?
ARTHUR:  It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
KEEPER:  What is your quest?
ARTHUR:  To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER:  What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR:  What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
KEEPER:  What?  I don't know that!  Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEMIR:  How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR:  Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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GUARD:  'Allo, daffy English K...niggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who as the
        brain of a duck, you know!  So, we French fellows out-wit you a second
        time!
ARTHUR:  How dare you profane this place with your presence!?  I command you, in
         the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred
         castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GUARD:  How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction,
        sons of a window-dresser!  So, you think you could out-clever us French
        folk with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behaviour! I
        wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly coloured, mealy
        templed, cranberry smelling, electric donkey bottom biters.
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
ARTHUR:  In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
GUARD:  No chance, English bedwetting types.  I burst my pimples at you and call
        your door opening request a silly thing.  You tiny-brained wipers of
        other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR:  If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
     [splat]
        In the name of God and the glory of our--
     [splat]
        Right!  That settles it!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
GUARD:  Yes, depart at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire
        arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your
        testicles already!  Ha ha!
ARTHUR:  Walk away.  Just ignore them.
GUARD:  Now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfuls!  And, if you think you
        got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet!  Dappy
        English k...niggets!  Thpppt!
ARTHUR:  We shall attack at once!
BEDEMIR:  Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR:  Stand by for attack!
    -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
