"BETTER WEIRD THAN DEAD!"
%
"If you give it some time, you're going to find living in Eerie isn't
 so scary."
    -- Edgar Teller
%
Marshall: "Right, here's the key to the evidence locker. You know what
           to do if I don't come back."
Simon:    "I go straight to the President, and if I can't get through
           to him, I tell your mom and dad."
Marshall: "Check."
    -- _Foreverware_
%
"Where is Donna Reed when you need her?"
    -- Marshall, _Foreverware_
%
"Welcome to the Foreverware family. Will that be cash or check?"
    -- Foreverware Mom to Marshall's Mom, _Foreverware_
%
"Remember, 8 hours a day keeps the wrinkles away."
    -- Foreverware tip #714, _Foreverware_
%
"30 years in the 7th grade, now that's scary."
    -- Simon, _Foreverware_
%
Marshall: "Ready Simon?"
Simon:    "I was born for this."
    -- _Foreverware_
%
"I'd seen some strange things since coming to Eerie, but nothing
 prepared me for what I saw next."
    -- Marshall, _Foreverware_
%
"I was scared to death - but if I didn't do something quick, my whole
 family was going to end up human leftovers."
    -- Marshall, _Foreverware_
%
"I have designed for you something very special:  a new, radical, 
 experimental, prototypical, one-of-a-kind retainer."
    -- Dr. Eukanuba, _The Retainer_
%
Mom: "Don't suppose he forgot about his appointment do you?"
Dad: "Oh you know Marshall, he never forgets anything. Heck he even
      remembers stuff that never happened."
    -- Marilyn, and Edgar, _The Retainer_
%
"You better believe it. You realize we made contact with the animal
 kingdom. This is going to make us rich and famous. We could get the
 Nobel Peace prize. We could end up on 'Unsolved Mysteries.'"
    -- Marshall, _The Retainer_
%
Simon: "Hey guys, I think he likes me."
Dog:   "That's what you think, you bite sized punk."
    -- _The Retainer_
%
"Looks like lunch, smells like lunch."
    -- Dog (about Simon), _The Retainer_
%
"Lets go find us some dogs."
    -- Marshall, _The Retainer_
%
Simon:    "Weird, we can slip in. Can't the dogs get out?"
Marshall: "Simon, this is the Eerie pound. Dogs check in, but they don't
           check out."
    -- _The Retainer_
%
"All right! Night patrol."
    -- Simon, _The Retainer_
%
"Today Eerie, tomorrow Indianapolis."
    -- Dog, Retainer_
%
"I bet Steve doesn't think Eerie is boring anymore."
    -- Marshall, _The Retainer_
%
"Even though Mr. Chisel was cleared on all counts of bank fraud, the
 judge sentenced him to 1000 hours of community service - just in case."
    -- Marshall,  _The ATM Machine_
%
"I guess the rule is, if something's too good to be true, then it's
 probably too good to be true."
    -- Marshall, _The ATM Machine_
%
"There's trouble, and there's trouble. Eating ice cream before dinner is
 one thing, but never had I been in the kind of trouble where they'd
 throw my Dad in Jail."
    -- Marshall, _The ATM Machine_
%
"What are you talking about? You heard Mr. Wilson, it's all from a flush
 fund."
    -- Simon, _The ATM Machine_
%
"Mr. Wilson told me he gets the money from a big slurpy fund, like all
 the government guys."
    -- Simon, _The ATM Machine_
%
"He was flying, but like they say, what goes up - must come down."
    -- Marshall about Simon, _The ATM Machine_
%
"Now here's tonight's news. The fire department had its hands full with
 a two engine blaze today. The problem is we only have one engine."
    -- News Anchorman, _The ATM Machine_
%
"It's just phenomenal. Mr. Wilson did upwards in 40,000 dollars in
 business over the weekend. Funny it's all withdraws though."
    -- Marshall's Dad, _The ATM Machine_
%
"Perfecto Garcia"
    -- Marshall's Dad, _The ATM Machine_
%
"We had no choice but to stuff and lick a deposit slip for every man,
 woman, and child in Eerie. Simon will never be the same. Neither will
 my tongue."
    -- Marshall, _The ATM Machine_
%
Simon:    "You know what's weird?"
Marshall: "Besides Eerie?"
Simon:    "They always tell you you can't buy friends.  But I think you
           can.  You know, guys like Nick and Eddie.  But it's like
           buying expensive tennis shoes.  They cost way too much and
           they don't last very long."
Marshall: "Can I use that?"
           [high five]
    -- _The ATM Machine_
%
"Everybody knows money can't buy you happiness, but Simon was about
 to find out money can buy you big, big trouble."
    -- Marshall,  _The ATM Machine_
%
"The problem with losing stuff is that it always happens when you're not
 watching. Of course if you were watching I guess the stuff wouldn't get
 lost, would it."
    -- Simon, _The Losers_
%
Marshall: "... So now Dad's all freaked out that he's got this old
           people's disease that makes him lose stuff. He's pushing 35,
           you know."
Simon:    "Scary."
    -- _The Losers_
%
"A satellite?  No, sir, I'm not saying it's impossible but... Well, I
 thought after what we accomplished with the Hubble telescope... Very
 well, sir, I'll book Al on the next shuttle."
    -- Lodgepoole, _The Losers_
%
Marilyn: "The only thing I couldn't replace is the petroleum-based
          banana extract."
Edgar:   "Oh, that project was a bust.  They never could get
          rid of the diesel aftertaste."
    -- _The Losers_
%
"I had no idea what hole I had fallen through to land here in the
 Bureau of Lost, but this made 'Alice in Wonderland' look like a day
 at the beach."
    -- Marshall, _The Losers_
%
"Did I need to get lost so that Dad's briefcase could be found in the
 Bureau of Lost?  What I did know is that if I didn't find out soon I
 was going to loose something really tough to replace - like my mind"
    -- Marshall, _The Losers_
%
"I'll be right back. Don't you get lost, just yet."
    --  Lodgepoole to Marshall, _The Losers_
%
Syndi:    "Marshall, quit goofing around with your friends and answer
           the door."
Mummy:    "Who was that?"
Marshall: "Your worst nightmare."
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_
%
Trick or Treater #1: "Cool costume."
Trick or Treater #2: "Hey, what smells."
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_ with mummy nearby
%
Mummy:    "What did you say this projector in a bottle is called?"
Marshall: "Television."
Mummy:    "Truly dreadful invention. I do hope it never catches on."
    -- _Scarest Home Videos_
%
Marshall: "Poor lady, she doesn't stand a chance."
Simon:    "Harley (tap, tap on TV screen), Harley, Harley Schwarzenegger
           Holmes, you leave that poor lady alone right now or I'm going
           to come in there and blister your butt. Do you hear me?"
Harley:   "Hee Hee"
Marshall: "Oh he's really scared now."
    -- _Scarest Home Videos_
%
Marshall's Dad:  "Anything good on the old boob tube?"
Simon's brother: "You do not want to know."
    -- Edgar and Harley, _Scarest Home Videos_
%
Marshall: "And when he bit down on the remote control he caused some
           sort of video feedback timewarp zapping thing."
Mummy:    "Of course, why didn't I think of that."
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_
%
"Wow, never thought I'd see a mummy, a dead person, and a movie star
 all in one day."
    -- Simon, _Scariest Home Videos_
%
Simon:    "How did he get in there anyhow?"
Marshall: "Does the word mega-eerie-voodoo-weirdness mean anything to
           you?"
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_
%
Mummy: "Heavens to mergatroid, what is that detestable little yard
        ape doing in my movie. He's ruining it."
Simon: "You should see what he does to my bedroom."
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_
%
"So many channels, so little to watch."
    -- Mummy, _Scariest Home Videos_
%
Marshall: "He's not a real mummy, he's an actor."
Mummy:    "I've been kidnapped by geniuses."
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_
%
Simon:    "What if there's a curse?"
Marshall: "If there is a curse, it can't be worse that what our parents
           are gonna do to us when they find out we traded Harley for
           King Tut-Breath, here."
    -- _Scariest Home Videos_
%
"Where's a good victim when you need one"
    -- Simon, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"Undercover is my life"
    -- Simon, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"Thanks for the heart attack son."
    -- Marshall's Dad, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"Of course you know this means war."
    -- Syndi to family, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"If he kills me, you can have my stuff."
    -- Simon to Marshall after Dimsdale eats the gum, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"Since coming here, I've seen more weirdness than any ten men.  But
 until you get your eyes checked by the Eerie school nurse, you ain't
 seen nothing yet."
    -- Marshall, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"All work and no fun makes Simon a good boy."
    -- Simon, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"I'm not a zombie."
    -- Simon, _Just Say No Fun_
%
Nancy: "...but I've seen your type before."
Mars:  "Yeah, cool and suave."
    -- The school nurse and Marshall, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"I'll show you fun. Simon, let the games begin."
    -- Marshall, _Just Say No Fun_
%
Nancy: "Boys, where do you think you're going?"
Mars:  "We're going to the FBI."
    -- The school nurse and Marshall, _Just Say No Fun_
%
"Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse."
    -- Devon Wilde, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"But guys, she's a *girl*."
    -- Simon, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"A girl - cool? What's so cool about a girl?"
    -- Simon, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Hi, I'm Simon. Are you a girl or a lady?"
    -- Simon (to Melanie), _Heart on a Chain_
%
"To Melanie: Welcome to Mars - I mean welcome to Eerie - Mars."
    -- Melanie reads Marshall's card, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Want my advice little boy?  Buy her something tender and nice - 
 like a Cadillac."
    -- Elvis, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Just remember little paper boy - love's a heart breaker."
    -- Elvis, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Mom, this isn't 'Happy Days'. Could we have a little privacy."
    -- Marshall (with Melanie in the attic), _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Hey buddy, wanta go look for UFO's?"
    -- Marshall to Simon, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Note to myself: this is probably not the best joke to pull on a girl
 with a heart problem."
    -- Marshall (after Melanie opens his gift), _Heart on a Chain_ 
%
Marshall: "Say - aren't you...?"
Elvis:    "You in love, little paperboy?"
Marshall: "Well, uh... uh, maybe.  How'd you know?"
Elvis:    "It's the eyes.  They give you away every time."
Marshall: "That's it.  I'm gettin' sunglasses."
    -- _Heart on a Chain_
%
"My heart belongs to you - Devon Wilde, esquire."
    -- Melanie reads Devon's card, _Heart on a Chain_
%
"Gentlemen, thanks for the wakeup call."
    -- Tripp McConnell, _The Dead Letter_
%
Marilyn: "Tripp's going to stay for dinner of course."
Edgar:   "Oh, then he's going to stay with us for the night. Heck he's
          so interesting he can stay till he's 18."
    -- Marshall's Mom and Dad, _The Dead Letter_
%
Marshall: "You know I've never seen you before today. Now you are in
           there turning my family into blithering idiots."
Tripp:    "Mars, come on, its not that hard to do."
    -- _The Dead Letter_
%
"Appeared, what is he, a ghost?  I mean did he just beam down from the
 inner rings of Saturn?"
    -- Syndi, _The Dead Letter_
%
"Look, all of you, do not under any circumstances let that bozo back in
 this house. That's an order."
    -- Marshall to family, _The Dead Letter_
%
Tripp:    "Hey Mars, cool dream."
Marshall: "What are you doing here.  This is my dream, you're not
           supposed to be in my dream."
    -- _The Dead Letter_
%
Marshall:        "Mom, Dad, Syndi; tell him to leave me alone."
Mom, Dad, Syndi: "But we love Tripp, we love Tripp more than we love you."
    -- _The Dead Letter_
%
"I just hate being second banana on this show."
    -- Simon, _The Dead Letter_
%
"As we walked deeper and deeper into that musty old house, I kept asking
 myself - Marshall, why are you such a bonehead."
    -- Marshall, _The Dead Letter_
%
"A letter, don't make me laugh. I haven't had a letter since the dawn of
 the last ice age."
    -- Old Mary, _The Dead Letter_
%
Simon:    "I thought garlic was for vampires."
Marshall: "Ghosts, vampires, whatever. You can't be too careful."
    -- _The Dead Letter_
%
"Late that night, something really creepy-mondo-weird was happening at
 my house."
    -- Marshall, _The Dead Letter_
%
"I really didn't want to do this, but I guess there are some things you
 gotta risk your neck for, and I guess love is one of them."
    -- Marshall, _The Dead Letter_
%
Dad:      "I don't understand it. Why does my cereal taste like garlic?"
Mom:      "That is so strange, all my clothes smell like garlic too.  I
           just don't understand."
Marshall: "Me, did I do something?"
    -- _The Dead Letter_
%
"Its tough to battle the forces of weirdness when you're under 18 and
 your parents can still boss you around"
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
"Note to myself: never make a deal with your parents without a lawyer."
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
Marshall: "Who do these Tasmanian devils think they are, anyway?"
Sara Bob: "My brothers."
    -- _Who's Who_
%
"When we saw my bike parked out front my mind was flooded. Unanswered
 questions were playing tiddlywinks with my gray matter. It looked
 like my bike, and felt like my bike, but..."
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
"Simon and I booked back to my house with the bike and Sara Bob's
 drawing. As usual something weird was going on."
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
Syndi: "Hey Mom, what do you think of my drawing?"
Mom:   "Ah, well, I'm not quite sure. Is it upside down, abstract,
        autobiographical?"
    -- _Who's Who_
%
"Syndi, you just draw what you feel.  You feeling OK?"
    -- Edgar, _Who's Who_
%
"To serve and control, that's our motto, that's what we do."
    -- Policeman, _Who's Who_
%
Syndi:     "Hey, aren't you at least going to rough him [Marshall] up?"
Policeman: "Maybe later, Mam."
    -- _Who's Who_
%
"Wow spelled backwards is wow."
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
"Coincidence is one thing, but this thing with the bike was bordering
 on mega strange."
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
"This ain't 'The Partridge Family'."
    -- Marshall referring to Sara Bob's family, _Who's Who_
%
"Major bizarro."
    -- Marshall, _Who's Who_
%
Marshall: "It's too quiet. I don't hear the pitter-patter of little
           monsters, Simon."
Simon:    "Bad sign."
    -- _Who's Who_
%
"Holy Yornado!"
    -- Simon, _Who's Who_
%
"Holy Corn!"
    -- Simon, _Who's Who_
%
"I've been ripped off of an hour of my life.  This wouldn't have happened
 in New Jersey."
    -- Marshall, _The Lost Hour_
%
"We've been Eeriefied again!"
    -- Simon, _The Lost Hour_
%
"I don't care what anybody says.  I'm going to set my watch back like the
 rest of the planet.  Nobody rips off an hour from Marshall Teller."
    -- Marshall, _The Lost Hour_
%
"You better get out of bed or you're a dead man Simon."
    -- Marshall, _The Lost Hour_
%
"What's going on here?  Where did everybody go?  Hello.  Hey where is
 everybody?  Yo Eerie."
    -- Marshall, _The Lost Hour_
%
"I had lived in Eerie long enough to expect the unexpected, but this was
 really creepy."
    -- Marshall, _The Lost Hour_
%
"It's alive."
    -- Syndi (about Simon), _The Lost Hour_
%
"Good morning Simon.  So where's the big lazy thing?"
    -- Marilyn (about Marshall), _The Lost Hour_
%
"Better wear a seat belt.  I don't even have a learners permit."
    -- Marshall, _The Lost Hour_
%
"Oh man.  Oh man oh man.  Anything but digital;  I *hate* digital."
    -- Simon (trying to reset Marshall's watch), _The Lost Hour_
%
"I was born for this."
    -- Simon, _Marshall's Theory of Believability_
%
Professor Zircon: "... My collegiates at NASA have assured me that this
                   object is neither American or Russian in its origin.
                   Therefore this leaves only one possibility."
Simon & Marshall: "Extraterrestrial!"
    -- _Marshall's Theory of Believability_
%
Simon:    "What if he thinks we're just a coupla of kids."
Marshall: "We are a coupla of kids. But once the professor sees the
           quality of our work, he can't say no."
Simon:    "Right."
Marshall: "We gotta act like pros."
Simon:    "Pros. Got it, but you better do all the talking."
    -- _Marshall's Theory of Believability_
%
"There it was, daring us to believe.  The professor, Simon, and I are
 used to the unbelievable, goes with the territory." ... "But for Syndi,
 Mom, and Dad?  This was big time weird."
    -- Marshall, _Marshall's Theory of Believability_
%
"Do you ever have a normal thought?"
    -- Syndi to Marshall, _Tornado Days_
%
Howard Raymer: "This - is a radio-isotopic thermally-generated cyclonic-
                acoustic data storage unit.  I built it myself."
Simon:         "I guess you'd have to."
    -- _Tornado Days_
%
"Why aren't you boys at the picnic? What are you trying to do, make
 him mad?"
    -- Howard Raymer, _Tornado Days_
%
"Come and get me?  You big bag of wind??  I'm no expert, but I'm pretty
 sure it's not smart to tease a tornado."
    -- Marshall, _Tornado Days_
%
"You mean to tell me a twister's mad because I missed a picnic?!?"
    -- Marshall, _Tornado Days_
%
"Do what you got to do, just get him [Old Bob] out of here."
    -- Marshall, _Tornado Days_
%
Mom:  "Marshall, Simon, time to go to the picnic."
Mars: "I'm not going."
Dad:  "It's our first Tornado Day!"
Mars: "How can you even *think* of going?  Every year a tornado named
       'Old Bob' strikes Eerie on the same day - and they've turned it
       into some sort of mondo, voodoo, pagan ritual."
    -- Marilyn, Marshall, and Edgar, _Tornado Days_
%
Marshall: "Simon - if anything happens -"
Simon:    "I can have your bike?"
    -- _Tornado Days_
%
Howard Raymer: "Ready troops?"
Simon:         "Uh.....after you Marshall."
Howard Raymer: "What about you Marshall?  Are you with me, or again me?"
Marshall:       "Anything to scare Old Bob."
    -- _Tornado Days_
%
"Are you sure your brains didn't get scrambled spinning around in Old Bob?"
    -- Marshall, _Tornado Days_
%
"Come and get me Bob.  This time it's personal!"
    -- Howard Raymer, _Tornado Days_
%
"Geez, Louise."
    -- Marshall and Simon, _Tornado Days_
%
"I laugh at danger."
    -- Officer to Syndi, _Tornado Days_
%
Simon:         "Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man."
Howard Raymer: "Ditto."
    -- _Tornado Days_
%
"Yeeeeee-Haaaaaa!"
    -- Howard Raymer, _Tornado Days_
%
Marshall: "What's with the gray hair?"
Dash X:   "I'm starting a trend, what's it to you?"
    -- _The Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Marshall: "Hey, Mr. Radford.  How come you aren't pressing any charges
           against that impostor guy?"
Radford:  "Well, in spite of all his faults, 'that guy' was one hell of
           a salesman.  He moved more merchandise in six months with me
           tied up in the basement than I made in my best year.  You
           just can't find help like that anymore."
    -- _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
"Philately can be a very rewarding pastime if you give it a chance.
 Stamps are beautiful.  They're a good investment.  And they can't kill
 you like a gun!"
    -- Simon, _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
"Stamp collecting is looking better and better. I mean, what's the worst
 that can happen - a paper cut on your tongue?"
    -- Simon, _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
"Sometimes I wish we collected stamps for fun, instead of battling the
 forces of Weirdness."
    -- Simon, _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Radford:  "Well boys, you're my first customers in quite some time.
           Drinks are on the house; what'll you have?"
Marshall: "Uh - Black Cow with a nip of java."
Radford:  "Black Cow with a nip of java." [Turns to Simon]
Simon:    "Ditto."
Radford:  "Ditto.  Coming right up."
    -- _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Simon:   "Hey, new Mr. Radford."
Radford: "Yes, young man?"
Simon:   "How are we supposed to know for sure if you're the real Mr.
          Radford?"
Radford: "You don't."
Simon:   "Oh.  Thanks."
    -- _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
"I'm doomed to wander around here aimlessly for eternity...or until they
 demolish the mill for a mini-mall, whichever comes first."
    -- Grungy Bill, _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Dash-X: "This kind of stuff happen to you guys a lot?"
Simon:  "Oh, at least once a week."
    -- _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Grungy Bill: "Don't try to stop me or your friend here gets it!"
Marshall:    "Gets...what?"
Grungy Bill: "You know -- IT."
    -- _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Simon:    "That sounds like bats.  I hate bats."
Marshall: "Just think of them as flying rodents."
Simon:    "Thanks I feel much better now."
    -- _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
"Shut up Shrimpenstein."
    --  Dash X to Simon, _Hole in the Head Gang_
%
Simon:    "Who'd be crazy enough to live in a haunted house?  I mean,
           besides a ghost."
Dash X:   "I've got a better question for you.  Who'd be crazy enough
           to mess with somebody's stuff who's crazy enough to live in
           a haunted house?"
Marshall: "Ah, beats me.  Well Simon, guess we better get going."
Dash X:   "Nobody's going nowhere, till we finish a little business."
Marshall: "Talk to my lawyer.  C'mon Simon."
    -- _The Hole In the Head Gang_
%
Syndi:   "I still don't see what the big deal about a toaster is.  We've
          already got a toaster."
Marilyn: "Someday you kids are going to grow up and leave us, and when you
          do you're going to need a toaster."
Edgar:   "And you can't beat the price."
    -- _The Hole in the Head Gang_
%
"I couldn't believe it.  I never won anything in my life, let alone a
 lottery I didn't even enter."
    -- Marshall, _Mr. Chaney_
%
Marshall:   "Hey mister, can I take off the goofy hat?"
Mr. Chaney: "No, it's tradition."
    -- _Mr. Chaney_
%
"OK, if you're trying to scare me it's working.  Now cut it out."
    -- Marshall, _Mr. Chaney_
%
Marshall: "It's you."
Dash X:   "Well it ain't the log lady."
    -- _Mr. Chaney_
%
"I smell a cover-up."
    -- Marshall, _Mr. Chaney_
%
"Yo Simon, are you there?  Simon.  I'm on station at Wolf Base One.
 There's a high chance of mega-weirdness.  Try to stay in contact.
 Yo Simon.  Come in!"
    -- Marshall, _Mr. Chaney_
%
"Puberty -- now that's eerie."
    -- Simon, _Mr. Chaney_
%
"Marshall, it was the biggest, hugest raccoon you ever saw - enormous"
    -- Syndi, _Mr Chaney_
%
"Uh, to 13 more years good luck and - uh - low taxes."
    -- Radford, _Mr. Chaney_
%
"Simon, you stay here with the werewolf.  If he comes to, kabong him."
    -- Marshall, _Mr. Chaney_
%
Marshall:  "So... what exactly happened to all the guys who saw the wolf
            before?"
Mr Chaney: "Uh... they're in... Spain."
    -- _Mr. Chaney_
%
"To 13 more years of good luck and, uh, low taxes."
    -- Radford [dejected], _Mr. Chaney_
%
Simon:    "Think we should call a doctor?"  
Marshall: "Simon, he's a werewolf.  An animal."
Simon:    "Should we call a vet?"
    -- _Mr. Chaney_
%
"C'mon Marshall - hurry up...  I'm hungry.  (To wolf)  Stay here."
 [Simon goes over to counter, dives into apple pie.  Werewolf awakens
 but Simon is oblivious.  Werewolf creeps up, and Simon gradually
 becomes aware something is wrong.]  "Uh oh."  (Turns to see werewolf.)
"Arghhh.  Arghhh.  Help!  Help!  omanoManOManOManOMANOMANOMAN!
 Down boy!  Down boy!"
    -- Simon, _Mr. Chaney_
%
"We did it!  We shot the werewolf with the silver bullet!  OK, so we
 just winged him, but we cured Mr. Chaney.  He'll never again turn
 into this mega-ugly monster terrifying Eerie every 13 years.  But what
 about me?  That was Radford's only silver bullet.  Who was gonna cure
 me?"
    -- Marshall, _Mr. Chaney_
%
"Simon's not himself."
    -- Marshall, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"Thanks to the brainalyzer, my nine year old buddy Simon has an
 Einsteinian intellect - and a pretty snobby personality to boot."
    -- Marshall, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"Did they steal your brain, too?"
    -- Charles Furnell to Syndi, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"Where's the tape with Simon's brain on it?"
    -- Marshall, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
Mom:  "Oh man... Shouldn't we?..."
Syn:  "Don't even think of that Mom.  That guy is the *Mad Whacker*!"
Sim:  "Syndi's right.  They call him the whacker because he uses his axe
       to kill his victims."
Dad:  "Now, come on!  I've heard rumors he was Eerie's last living
       liberal, but"
Sim:  "What's a liberal?"
Dad:  "I'll explain it to you when you're older."
Mom:  "Well, I don't care whether he's a liberal or an axe murderer,
       I want you boys to stay clear of him.  Understood?"
Mars: "Yes, Mom."
    -- _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"Poor guy's got nothing - except one handsome haircut."
    -- Simon, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"In the meantime, one false move and Simon here becomes
 vice-presidential."
    -- Dash X, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"What?!?  I invented the brainalyzer for the good of humanity.  To
 preserve intelligence for coming generations.  And then that 'great
 woman' sold us out.  She negotiated a multimillion dollar deal with Ed
 Meese to steal the 1980 election by pumping MacGyver's brain into
 Ronald Reagan, quadrupling his IQ."
    -- Charles Furnell, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"I guess when you're all alone in this world it makes it tough to think
 about anything but think about yourself.  Meanwhile, things weren't
 looking so hot for Simon and me."
    -- Marshall, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"Dad's fortune was not only weird, it came true."
    -- Marshall, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"Hey, don't you boys know it's not nice to tease a poor defenseless woman?"
    -- Dash X, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
Eunice: "I'll be back."
Dash X: "I didn't know there was a Mrs. Terminator."
    -- _No Brain, No Pain_
%
"That's no lady, that's my wife!"
    -- Simon/Furnell, _No Brain, No Pain_
%
Simon:    "People say they run things.  People say you'd better do as
           they say."
Marshall: "Have people noticed they're a bunch of goons in stupid hats?
           C'mon."
    -- _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
"Plus and minus?? What kind of a stupid name is that? You guys are a
 constant source of embarrassment."
    -- Dash X, _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
"What is this?  Some kind of intergalactic video zapping portal kind
 of thing?"
    -- Dash X, _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
"In Eerie, Indiana, when you scrape away the surface weirdness, what
 you find is ... more weirdness."
    -- Marshall, _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
Dash:     "What's his old man got to do with this?"
Ned:      "Your father [Edgar] is building a universal tuner for that
           screen in there."
Marshall: "My father? Our VCR has been flashing 12 o'clock ever since
           we bought it."
Dash:     "Well, looks like your pal Simon is gonna be in re-runs for
           awhile."
Marshall: "Simon is doomed."
    -- _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
Simon:    "How big is this place?"
Marshall: "Bigger inside than it is outside"
    --  _The Loyal Order of the Corn_
%
Marilyn:  "There you are. Young Man, do you know what time it is?"
Marshall: "Uh, later than it should be?"
    -- _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
"Hang in there Simon. I'll be right back."
    -- Marshall, _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
"C'mon.  There's shucking to be done."
    -- Marilyn, _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
Simon:    "Have you noticed that ever since we met this guy [Dash] we're
           always broke?"
Marshall: "Or in trouble."
    -- _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
Simon:    "Cool cable!"
Marshall: "What is it?"
Dash-X:   "What does it look like?"
Marshall: "It looks like a giant TV screen, but nobody makes 'em
           that big!"
Dash-X:   "Yeah, except for the Loyal Order of Corn."
Simon:    "Oh no.  Maybe they're working for the Japanese."
Dash-X:   (sarcastic)  "Oh no.  Maybe they're working for Orville
           Redenbacker."
    -- _The Loyal Order of Corn_
%
"Coming up: our definitive answer to the JFK assassination, the Iran
 contra cover-up, the cure for the common cold, and our hidden videotape
 of Madonna's torrid affair..."
    -- Anchorman, _Zombies in PJs_
%
"My brain is very important to me. That's why I'm super careful about
 what I put into the little laboratory on my neck."
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in PJs_
%
"Just when you think you have a handle on how weird Eerie is during the
 day, the whole town does a bellyflop at night."  
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
"Just can't get enough... Just can't get enough... Just can't get enough..."
    -- _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
Marshall:   "You gotta stop this.  They don't even know what they're
             buying."
The Donald: "Hey, it's the American way."
Marshall:   "Listen, mister.  Nobody turns my family into zombies and
             gets away with it."
The Donald: "They're not zombies, they're consumers."
Dash-X:     "Yeah, besides, how can you tell the difference?"
    -- _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
"I've heard of subliminal advertising, but this is ridiculous!"
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
"Simon and I retreated to the Secret Spot, the only place we felt safe
 from Eerie's Midnight Weirdness sale.  We had to take extraordinary
 measures to stay awake."
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
"The Donald wasn't a good loser.  There are only two things that are
 certain in this world according to Benjamin Franklin:  death and
 taxes.  Two hundred years later in Eerie, old Ben had no idea how
 right he was."
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
The Donald: "Wouldn't you rather be...shop--ping?"
    -- _Zombies in P.J.s_
%
"Danger, Eerie weirdness directly ahead, danger!"
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in PJs_
%
"Understand?  The IRS?  They're ruthless, heartless beaureucrats with one
 goal in life - making me pay.  Why the average IRS agent would make the
 devil himself seem like Mr. Rogers."
    -- Radford, _Zombies in PJs_
%
"Good afternoon.  Donald Chergenlachenhagenflagen is the name, but you can
 just call me - The Donald."
"You can call me 'The Marshall.'"
"'The Simon' here."
"Just plain Radford."
    -- The Donald, Marshall, Simon, and Radford, _Zombies in PJs_
%
"Even professional weirdness investigators like Simon and me weren't
 immune to the onslaught of advertising.  Finally sleep got the better
 of us, and we too, became shopping zombies."
    -- Marshall, _Zombies in PJs_
%
Edgar/Francis: "These lines aren't that hard to memorize. It isn't as if
                we were doing Chekhov here."
Marshall/Omri: "What's 'Star Trek' have to do with this?"
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Syndi/Julie Condra: "Where's he going?"
Makeup Lady:        "Where does any red-blooded teen star go when they get
                     cancelled?  On a crime spree."
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Sic Transit Gloria Omri."
    -- Edgar/Francis, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Marshall/Omri: "Hey, wait a minute.  This is a script!  There must be a
                writer around here somewhere."  
Radford:       "Ya know, I never thought of it, but there's a logic to
                that.  Otherwise, everybody'd make things up as they go
                along, and we'd have chaos."
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Script writer: "Rrrah!  I smell Emmy!!"
Marshall:      [frown] [sniff] [sniff]
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"I worked all night on my big line."
    -- Syndi/Julie Condra, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"If I have to say one more air-headed big sister line, I'm going to 
 vomit on a producer."
    -- Syndi/Julie Condra, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Marshall:  "What are those?"
Prop Man:  "Squibs, for when the bullets hit you."
Marshall:  "What's he using, an uzzi?"
Dash X:    "Oh Lyle, Lyle, those won't be necessary.  We'll be doing 
            this take _au naturel_."  [evil chuckle]
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Marshall/Omri: "Wait... uh... What's my motivation?"
Joe Dante:     "Your motivation? Your motivation is you say a few words,
                you go outside, you get shot, and you die."
Marshall/Omri: "Why?"
Joe Dante:     "Because I said so."
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Every kid dreams of being the star of their own TV show. Take it from
 me, it's a living hell."
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Eerie had collided with a parallel reality called NBC.  
 *I* was being written off the show.  Correction:  Killed off the show.  
 Double correction:  Killed dead!"
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Marshall:      "Wh-wh-what do you mean wh-when you say - 'dead'?"
Jose Schaefer: "I mean 'offed'"
Dash X:        "'snuffed'"
Jose Schaefer: "'kicked the bucket'"
Dash X:        "'pushing up daisies'"
Jose Schaefer: "'bought the farm'"
Dash X:        "Did I mention 'rigor mortis'?"  [chuckle]
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Syndi: "The Wilson twins give it two fingers up."
Simon: "Which finger?"  [laughs]
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Syndi:    "'Revenge of the Corn Critters' is a good monster movie sequel.
           It's got all the gore of the original plus some romance, but
           never gets all mushy [so] as to gunk it all up.  You won't be
           sorry."
Marshall: "Since when did you become such a cinephile?"
Syndi:    "You better watch your mouth."
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Radford:  "How about a Black Cow on the house in honor of your being my
           first customer of the day?"
Marshall: "Thanks, Mr. Radford."
    -- _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"My name is Marshall Teller, and I've learned an important lesson about
 Reality.  In this life you can either follow the script they give you,
 or demand a rewrite.  Here in Eerie, Indiana, _Weirdness Central USA_,
 you've gotta be ready to improvise."
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Simon, we have major Eerie mega-weirdness here."
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"You're all a bunch of pod people!"
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Eerie, Indiana.  The Last Testament of Marshall Teller.  I had come to
 the end of the line.  Hunted.  Lost.  Nowhere to hide.  And then I
 saw - home.  The safest place there is.  But like everything else,
 it turned out to be fake."
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"I had to work fast.  If that writer guy wouldn't change the script,
 I'd have to do it myself."
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Mr. Radford - something mondo-bizarro is goin' on here."
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
"Things had gone from the ridiculous to mega-voodoo-primetime!"
    -- Marshall/Omri, _Reality Takes a Holiday_
%
Marilyn:  "Tell us something that won't terrify us."
Marshall: "Well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."
    -- _The Broken Record_
%
"Fishing?  Guys, I'm a head banger, I don't do fishing."
    -- Tod, _The Broken Record_
%
"What's wrong with you?  Aren't you stupid enough?  Isn't your
 mind already full of mush?  You wanna pollute that worthless
 brain of yours even more?"
    -- Phil McNulty, _The Broken Record_
%
Tod:      "No one understands you.  No one digs your dream.  Just crank up
           the music.  Don't wanna hear your parents scream.  What you
           need is an..."
Marshall: "Eardrum lobotomy.  Eardrum lobotomy.  Yeah yeah yeah."
    -- (album lyrics), _The Broken Record_
%
"What's happenin', man?  What it is.  What isn't.  What it would-da been.
 What it might-ta been."
    -- Tod, _The Broken Record_
%
"Trouble at six o'clock.  Marshall get out here!"
    -- Simon, _The Broken Record_
%
"I am sworn to uphold the law.  I am sworn to protect and defend the fine
 citizens of Eerie.  I am sworn..."
    -- Derek the policeman, _The Broken Record_
%
Tod:          "Can't you guys just shoot me instead?"
Bert & Ernie: "Hmmmm.  Un-Un.  Naaaah."
    -- _The Broken Record_
%
