[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean *my* stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian. [she claps her hands to try to get Monk's attention]
Adrian Monk: [looking at the closet] He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains. [sniffs the curtains] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - [turns to Sharona] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it. [to the other detectives]
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh, after he killed Miss, uh...
Lt. Gitomer: Nicole Vasques, 25.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Miss Vasques, he - he hung around. He was, uh, looking for something.
Lt. Gitomer: He was looking for what?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. He checked something on her computer. He could've erased a file.
Lt. Gitomer: Anything else?
Adrian Monk: Yes, he's tall. He's 6'3", maybe 6'4".

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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[After watching Monk at work]
Cop #1: So that's the living legend.
Lt. Gitomer: If you call that living.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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Sharona Fleming: You're going straight to Hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are scrambling after the attempted assassination on Warren St. Claire]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I'll call you back. I'll call you back. Okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: St. Claire just issued another statement.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is he blaming us?
Lt. Randall Disher: Not yet. Just rah-rah stuff. He will not be silenced. He will not be intimidated.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He will be blaming us soon enough. Everybody does sooner or later. We gotta make a statement too. Is the press here? Who's here?
Lt. Randall Disher: The girl from channel 3.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The pretty one? [starts to check his hair]
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the other one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Who do you want on camera?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Me. I'll do it. I think it'll reassure people to see me taking point.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Anything on the shooter? Say yes.
Lt. Randall Disher: The forensic boys are still on site, but nothing so far.
[Deputy Mayor Sheldon Burger comes in]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Sheldon Burger: If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Monk?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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Gavin Lloyd: No, no, no. Forget it. We're four points behind with ten days to go. I am not putting my man in a box.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody wants to put anybody in a box, Mr. Lloyd.
Lt. Randall Disher: All we want to do is limit your public appearances... and not announce your schedule in advance.
Gavin Lloyd: Oh, I'm sure the mayor would love that. Maybe we should move the whole campaign and run it from the basement. How about that?!
Warren St. Claire: Gavin, that's not fair. The captain's just doing his job.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. St. Claire, can you think of anybody who might wish you harm? A disgruntled employee?
Miranda St. Claire: Or an ex-wife. Or a union official. I know a couple of ex-business partners... who no longer send us Christmas cards. You boys have your work cut out for you.
Warren St. Claire: A man who hasn't made any enemies hasn't done squat.
Jesse Goodman: Warren, you're sure you want to go through with this? After yesterday, no one would blame you if you quit.
Warren St. Claire: Jesse, you used to say "quit" was a four-letter-word.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. We haven't been introduced. I'm sorry. Who are you?
Jesse Goodman: Uh, Jesse Goodman. I work upstairs. Senior vice president/concerned friend.
Warren St. Claire: I couldn't make this run if Jesse wasn't upstairs minding the store. Baby. [stands and approaches his wife] Do you need that?
Miranda St. Claire: Yes, I do. Somebody tried to kill my husband yesterday right in front of me.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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[Warren St. Claire speaks at Jason Ronstadt's funeral. Monk has lost his keys]
Warren St. Claire: In a few seconds, we will be closing the casket and saying good-bye to Jason forever.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, it's okay. We'll make new ones. Just - It's okay.
Adrian Monk: It's the key chain. The key chain - it was Trudy's. I gotta - I gotta - I gotta have those keys. That packet right there - just give it to me.
Sharona Fleming: No. [Reluctantly, she hands over the paperclip from the packet]
Warren St. Claire: Jason showed up every Sunday...
Sharona Fleming: You are going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.
Warren St. Claire: May his loving spirit live forever in our hearts and in our prayers. [Adrian starts to create a makeshift fishing line using some dental floss and the paperclip] Why don't we take a moment and meditate silently? [the people close their eyes and bow their heads. Meanwhile, Adrian lowers the fishing line] Now... old friend... we turn and salute you one last time. [St. Claire faces the casket and salutes. By mistake, Monk hooks Jason's sleeve. He pulls on it, yanking up the hand as if in response to St. Claire's salute. Cuts to later, outside the church]
Jesse Goodman: We gotta pull the car around. He's ready to go.
Angry Old Lady: [to Monk] You should be ashamed of yourself!
Miranda St. Claire: Do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I like awake at night and try not to think at all.
Warren St. Claire: These things happen. Hell, for a minute, I thought I had a new campaign slogan: "Vote for St. Claire. He can raise the dead!" [He and Miranda take off down the steps] Where's my boy?
Jesse Goodman: Here, sir.
Warren St. Claire: Make sure Miranda gets home.
Jesse Goodman: Of course.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, a couple of questions.
Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
Miranda St. Claire: No.
Adrian Monk: No?
Miranda St. Claire: No.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let it go!
[leaves]
Sharona Fleming: Are we gonna let it go?
Adrian Monk: Hell, no.
Sharona Fleming: So what do we do now?
Adrian Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm, aah! I've always wanted to say that!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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Miranda St. Claire: You have to believe me.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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Adrian Monk: So, are you ever going to tell me what kind of dancing you did in Atlantic City?
Sharona Fleming: Ballroom.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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[After shooting his employer, Ian Sykes continues to fire on the crowd.]
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God! It's Sykes! He's here.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sykes? What's he doing here?!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] I think he and Gavin are having some kind of contract dispute.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] - Season 1
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[ Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Adrian Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona Fleming: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] - Season 1
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[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Adrian Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona. [looks at his desk, which has been cleaned off] What happened here?
Adrian Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] - Season 1
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[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]
Adrian Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] - Season 1
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[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]
Adrian Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.
Sharona Fleming: Where was it?!
Adrian Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...
Sharona Fleming: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] - Season 1
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Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything - UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] - Season 1
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Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

  --  Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] - Season 1
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[Dale is on the phone with someone]
Man on phone: I'm sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that's out of the question.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I'll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC-
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I'm watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he's just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not finished!
Dr. Christiaan Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I'm not gonna die. You won't let me, will you, Doctor?

  --  Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] - Season 1
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Monk: Go to hell.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] - Season 1
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[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Lt. Disher: What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [checks his watch] No, don't ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Lt. Disher: Oh- [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher: What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Lt. Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that's possible?
Lt. Disher: I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [chuckles] Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?

  --  Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] - Season 1
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[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] - Season 1
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[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]
Sharona Fleming: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".
Sharona Fleming: So when she died...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

  --  Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] - Season 1
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[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]
Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No - you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] - Season 1
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[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]
Sharona Fleming: You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona Fleming: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]
Sharona Fleming: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] - Season 1
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Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Disher: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] - Season 1
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Sharona: You okay?
Monk: I just wanna be alone.
Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] - Season 1
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[first time line is spoken in the series]
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] - Season 1
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[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa," in reality Dr. Lancaster in disguise, as the police cover them from below.]
Adrian Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know - except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05] - Season 1
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[Monk and the other patients are painting their self-portraits]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Jane Gordon sighs]
Adrian Monk: I-I-I need to wash up.
Jane Gordon: Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
Jane Gordon: [takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
Jane Gordon: [sighs] Sorry.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Everyone: Santa Claus!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
Manny: [points to the little boy] That's me.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Hmm. Why are you so small?
Manny: Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]
Jane Gordon: He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
Manny: I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
Jane Gordon: It's August, whackjob!
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05] - Season 1
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[Dr. Lancaster tells Sharona about how Monk's condition has "deteriorated"]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Morris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Morris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of Santa fabric that he found, but he can't find it]
Adrian Monk: It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...
Sharona Fleming: Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?
Adrian Monk: Like... Santa's tuis.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Sure. [He and Sharona walk away]
Sharona Fleming: He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.
Dr. Morris Lancaster: Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.
[Sharona approaches Monk, who is now looking under his bed]
Sharona Fleming: Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05] - Season 1
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[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]
Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.
[Monk looks at his watch.]
Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] - Season 1
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[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk; camera focuses on an article that is headlined "Who is Fraidy Cop?"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's what they're calling him. [Stottlemeyer scruitinizes the article] We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco, and sighs wearily] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins] After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [Inserts a pushpin into an intersection] he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Randall Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don't find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] - Season 1
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[Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference about Sidney Teal's death]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal's wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.'s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?
Reporter #1: Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
Reporter #1: Captain, there's a story in today's Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.
Reporter #2: Is that true, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
[The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts]
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement, and here it is: The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] - Season 1
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[Monk and Sharona arrive at the crime scene]
Adrian Monk: Captain! I see the circus is in town!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It's gonna get a lot worse.
Sharona Fleming: Captian, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee!
Adrian Monk: [notices Archie Modine] That the shooter?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He's an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now, he's the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Sharona Fleming: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want-
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: We want to talk.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, please. [to Stottlemeyer] Walk me through it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber... [off Monk's look] I already called, he's licensed. Bang, bang, bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So, I just have one question: What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get-out-of-town. What in God's name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I wouldn't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
Adrian Monk: Well-
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.
Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going rollerblading after?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] - Season 1
%
[Monk and Sharona question Sidney Teal's chauffeur]
Willis: You know, it's funny. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
Sharona Fleming: Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine how that must feel.
Adrian Monk: Get in the car!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] - Season 1
%
Monk: It doesn't make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07] - Season 1
%
Todd: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Monk: I am, 24-7.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07] - Season 1
%
[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]
Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!
Monk: You won't have to get me - I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07] - Season 1
%
[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!
[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Monk: You don't have to say that.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07] - Season 1
%
[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
Monk: It was askew!
Sharona: So what? So what - why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08] - Season 1
%
[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]
Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.
Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08] - Season 1
%
[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]
Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Sharona: Just give it to me.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08] - Season 1
%
[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] - Season 1
%
[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?
Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] - Season 1
%
[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]
Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Monk: It's a nutty world.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] - Season 1
%
Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...
Benjy: Breaking and entering?
Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] - Season 1
%
[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Benjy: Think the dead body's in here?
Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] - Season 1
%
[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]
Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.
Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?
Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] - Season 1
%
[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]
Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?
Sharona: Neptune.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] - Season 1
%
[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]
Benjy Fleming: The water's all rusty!
Gail Fleming: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
Gail Fleming: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.
Gail Fleming: With my mineral water?!
Adrian Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Gail Fleming: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!
Adrian Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] - Season 1
%
Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Lt. Disher: ...And?
Gail Fleming: And, that's what it's like!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] - Season 1
%
[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]
Darryl Wright: Son of a bitch!
Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw!
[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] - Season 1
%
[Stottlemeyer speaks at a police press conference]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This investigation is open and ongoing. We have at least one witness, and there is some physical evidence, which is being analyzed as we speak.
Reporter #1: Captain, is Willie Nelson a suspect?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't ruled out anybody as of yet. That's all I can say.
Reporter #2: Has Mr. Nelson made a statement?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Nelson has been very cooperative. He's agreed to stay in town and remain available to us at our discretion. Now, I-I wanna stress this again. We have not accused or charged anyone of this crime. [a streaker runs by behind them]
Streaker: Whoo-hoo! [the reporters laugh and applause. The streaker runs away, but slips and falls on the ground] Whoo! [the reporters walk over to him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?
Lt. Randall Disher: That was a streaker, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974? [Reporters take pictures of the runaway streaker]
Streaker: Oh, yeah!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] Well, if there are no further questions, we'll be going. Thank you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]
Willie Nelson: You know more about me than I do.
Sharona Fleming: He knows more about everybody than they do.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, we see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. [A few minutes later, Sonny Cross walks by] Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
[Radio jockey Kenny Freedman introduces Willie Nelson and his band]
Kenny Freedman: We're back. I'm Little Kenny Freedman. You're listening to Three Chord Monte on KNGY. We are very excited to have live in our studio the legendary Willie Nelson. I know you've been reading a lot about Willie in the papers. Everybody seems to have an opinion on "the incident". But tonight, we're gonna forget about all that and enjoy the music. Willie, would you like to introduce the band?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
Lt. Randall Disher: So, what's the plan?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
Wendy Maas: No, I like classical.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. Good. Bring him in.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lt. Randall Disher: The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 40%?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forty-eight percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
Police Spokesman: As you know, Willie Hugh Nelson was arrested at 10:15 last night. He will be indicted in Judge Hackman's courtroom tomorrow. Captain Stottlemeyer was the arresting officer and will be happy to answer any of your questions. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Jeff. First of all, I would like to thank the members of my department who have been investigating this case. They've done an outstanding job.
Reporter #1: Captain, how strong is your case against Willie Nelson?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We would not have authorized this arrest unless we were certain that we have all the facts for the district attorney to successfully prosecute this case. [the same streaker from before runs by]
Reporter #1: Oh! Get a shot of that.
Streaker: Hey, hi! [Stottlemeyer turns and whispers to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the love of-I want him. Go, go! Get him! [Randy and the other cops take off after the streaker. Stottlemeyer turns back to the cameras and fakes a laugh]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: San Francisco. You gotta love it. [the streaker keeps on running, with the police hot on his trail]
Lt. Randall Disher: We're on foot, heading south towards Prospect.
Police Dispatcher: Is there a description?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's wearing gray sneakers.
Police Dispatcher: Is there anything else?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's not Jewish!
Streaker: Come on! [He passes a homeless man] Excuse me. Oh, yeah. Good boys.
[a police car blocks the streaker's way]
Uniform Cop #1: All right, hold it right there! Stop! Stop! Stay where you are. All right, we got him.
[They handcuff the streaker, and Randy speaks on the radio]
Lt. Randall Disher: Streaker in custody.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Jody Payne - Band Member #1: I'm Willie Nelson.
Bee Spears - Band Member #2: I'm Willie Nelson.
Mickey Raphael - Band Member #3: I'm Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson: Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lt. Randall Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] - Season 1
%
Sharona: Aunt Minn's not coming here. I'm going there. My, ah, flight leaves in about an hour, and... I'm gonna be gone for seven days.
Monk: In a row?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
[Adrian empties his pockets of all his baggied items, including his money.]
Security Guard: You didn't have to put them in baggies, sir.
Sharona: No, he did.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?
Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
Sharona: What's that?
Monk: It's my will.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
Little Girl: Pete and Repeat got in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Adrian Monk: Repeat.
[Scene repeats]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
[Monk observes Stefan and Barbara Chabrol's behavior when a close friend, Bernard, comes up]
Bernard: Stefan!
Stefan Chabrol: Bernard.
Bernard: [chuckles] What a small world. Can you believe this?
Stefan Chabrol: No.
Bernard: I was just thinking about your father, God rest his soul. Are you heading back home?
Stefan Chabrol: Yeah, that's right.
Bernard: Yes, me too. I haven't seen you since the big anniversary party.
Stefan Chabrol: Ah! [Bernard turns to Barbara]
Bernard: Barbara, ravissante, comme toujours. ["Barbara, lovely, as always."] [He kisses her hand]
Barbara Chabrol: It's a pleasure to meet you.
Bernard: To meet me? Well, you don't remember. [laughs] You're breaking an old man's heart. I taught you how to waltz that night.
Barbara Chabrol: Oh, yes. Of course you did, I'm sorry, I'd forgotten.
Bernard: Moi, j'aurais pu jamais oubliee une soiree pareille. ["Me, I could have never forgotten that evening."]
Barbara Chabrol: I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Bernard: Since when? We spoke for over an hour. That was only three years ago.
Stefan Chabrol: Uh, Bernard.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
[Monk takes drastic measures to stop the Chabrols from leaving Newark]
Adrian Monk: Hi! Hello. [clears his throat] Yeah, I'm, uh, worried about a buddy of mine, uh, Captain Claude Pritchard.
Man on phone: Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. He's on the tarmac right now. He's been cleared to take off.
Adrian Monk: So, he made it okay. What a relief. Unbelievable.
Man on phone: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: Uh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. We were out partying all last night, and into this morning, and...we're just...party boys.
Man on phone: Party boys?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty ugly there for-I tried to take his keys away, but you know how old Claude gets when he's totally... [Sharona mouths the word "hammered"] Hammered.
[Cuts to the inside of the plane, where Stefan Chabrol and "Barbara" toast their wine glasses]
Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen, we have been asked to return to the gate. Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] - Season 1
%
Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01] - Season 2
%
Monk: [repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01] - Season 2
%
Adrian Monk: Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Adrian Monk: Were you all here when Miss Landow died?
First Teacher: That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
Adrian Monk: So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
First Teacher: No, we were in different classrooms.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
Derek Philby: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh - um... just making them even.
Derek Philby: [highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together!
Adrian Monk: But they're - they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even...
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even...
[changes the subject]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01] - Season 2
%
[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] - Season 2
%
[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]
Monk: [tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] - Season 2
%
[Monk has been presumed dead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] - Season 2
%
Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.
Sharona Fleming: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?
Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.
Sharona Fleming: What are fiesta beads?
Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?
Sharona Fleming: Ahh, no.
Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, what for?
[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!
Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] - Season 2
%
[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]
Adrian Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] - Season 2
%
[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]
Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Monk: You're welcome.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03] - Season 2
%
Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?
Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03] - Season 2
%
[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]
Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona: Okay, here it is!
Monk: Don't blink.
[They watch the video.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my...
Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!
Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03] - Season 2
%
[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]
Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03] - Season 2
%
[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Adrian Monk: Did he understand?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming: Can we just focus on the work now?
Adrian Monk: OK.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
Adrian Monk: From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Lt. Randall Disher: Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
Adrian Monk: [incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
Adrian Monk: And who was the victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Adrian Monk: Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
Adrian Monk: The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. What's that mean?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. What about the cashier?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Adrian Monk: Wood shavings.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wood shavings?
Adrian Monk: Sawdust?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
Adrian Monk: What happened next?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
Lt. Randall Disher: No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
Adrian Monk: What pun is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because of the alley.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] ...and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Adrian Monk: Is there a circus in town?
Lt. Randall Disher: A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Master of ceremonies?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, the ringmaster.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At the circus?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: [laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Monk and Sharona talk to Arianna Dakkar, the horse trainer]
Adrian Monk: What is your name?
Ariana Dakkar: Ariana Dakkar.
Adrian Monk: Miss Dakkar, we're investigating the death of Sergei Cluvarias.
Ariana Dakkar: Why talk to me?
Adrian Monk: You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed.
Ariana Dakkar: Who told you that?
Adrian Monk: No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table.
Ariana Dakkar: I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too.
Adrian Monk: "She"? You think the killer was a woman? [Ariana's demeanour changes]
Ariana Dakkar: I don't think anything. I know exactly who it was! I know she was crazy, but I never thought she would try something in public.
Sharona Fleming: Who?
Ariana Dakkar: Natasia Lovara. She calls herself The Queen of The Sky.
Adrian Monk: An acrobat.
Ariana Dakkar: Sergei's ex-wife. Jealous bitch! [As she continues to talk, she goes off to reach into her purse for a grooming impliment] She couldn't stand the thought of him having a life. If she's miserable, everybody else has to be miserable. She tried to kill him before, six months ago, but there wasn't enough evidence to indict her.
Sharona Fleming: If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Adrian Monk: Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.
Ariana Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.
Ariana Dakkar: Thank you, Mr. Monk.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Nikolai Petroff, as he tends to one of the leopards]
Lt. Randall Disher: Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Who's asking? [Disher flashes his badge]
Lt. Randall Disher: This shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Are you trying to scare me, huh? This pussycat weighs a couple of hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat! I ain't scared of her. [laughs] You think I'm scared of you? [Stottlemeyer steps in front of Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. You may not be scared of the Lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me, 'cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually, and it's not a whole lot friendlier, and if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're going to spend some time in it. What's your name?
Nikolai Petroff: Yeah, okay. I'm Nikolai Petroff. Can we make this fast? I have a show in thirty minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not going to cancel the show after what happened?
Nikolai Petroff: Most people around here are celebrating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? I take it Sergei wasn't very well-liked?
Nikolai Petroff: Not by me. Well, it's no secret. You're going to find out anyway. Until last week, I was with Ariana.
Lt. Randall Disher: The woman he was with last night.
Nikolai Petroff: To hell with both of them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is it you do around here?
Nikolai Petroff: I'm a wrangler. Anton the Great goes into the cage. I watch his back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You watch his back, so you've got a gun in case there's a problem.
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that gun's a .454 Ruger Casull?
Nikolai Petroff: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can we see it, please?
[He pulls down the tarp of his case and notice that someone has smashed the lock]
Nikolai Petroff: What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know?
Nikolai Petroff: I swear to God I checked it last night. [He goes for the trunk, but Randy steps in and takes over. He bends down, and with an orchestrated manuever to barely touch the sides to avoid prints, he pops the trunk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, sir, just step back, please. [The spot for the gun is empty. All that is present is an indentation in the shape of a revolver]
Nikolai Petroff: Where is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was hoping you could tell me. Phone it in, get S.I.D. down here right away. You, sir, are going to have to find somebody else to feed your kitty cat. You're coming with me.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Nikolai Petroff is being questioned at the police station]
Adrian Monk: A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: [glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[While catching up with Natasia while stalking her, Monk accidentally causes a tower of performers to fall over]
Adrian Monk: Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Natasia Lovara: Don't worry about them. They know how to fall. It's the first thing we learn. You brought your camera, Mr. Monk. [Monk regains his composure]
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure. I love it here. It's so upbeat.
Natasia Lovara: You hate it here. You think I can walk. You're trying to catch me.
Adrian Monk: You're right. I was.
Natasia Lovara: You saw the x-rays, Mr. Monk. How can I walk on this? I'm curious. What is your theory?
Adrian Monk: Some people have a very high threshold for pain. They can take it.
Natasia Lovara: Mm, nice try, but any doctor will tell you it's impossible. Besides, I was married to Sergei for 15 years. That's enough pain for a lifetime.
Adrian Monk: You fell two weeks ago. Is that right?
Natasia Lovara: Your point?
Adrian Monk: Your cast looks - looks like new. No scuff marks. It's not even discolored.
Natasia Lovara: Again, nice try. My old one was itching.
Adrian Monk: Ah.
Natasia Lovara: So I put a new one on four days ago. [An organ playing fanfare is heard] The show is about to begin. You are missing it.
Adrian Monk: You're wrong, Natasia. I'm not missing a thing.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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Adrian Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: I'm paying you...
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: ...but you won't tell me.
Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Adrian Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Stottlemeyer notices Randy looking down into one of the air cannons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Lt. Randall Disher: Bingo!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What exactly does "bingo" mean, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: We got the murder weapon. .454 Ruger Casull. [Stottlemeyer opens the side cabinet to the cannon, as a bewildered Randy looks up at him with his flashlight. In embarrassment he turns it off. The captain reaches in with a handkerchief, grabs the revolver by its trigger, and smells it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now, that's been fired recently.
Lt. Randall Disher: Any prints?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope, it's been oiled down. How'd it get in there?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's the backup cannon. The cannonball guy says anybody could have dropped it in. They haven't used it in a week. [The cannonball man is giving Randy an aggravated look, they being very impatient]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Backup cannon? Good lord! Get that down to ballistics. Put it on the fast track. [He gives the gun to another detective behind him and closes the hatch]
Cannonball Guy: Excuse me. Are you guys about done?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you step back? This is official police business!
Cannonball Guy: Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff! How'd you like that, huh? [Randy just glares angrily off into space as Stottlemeyer walks over to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: I hate that cannonball!!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Monk is unhappy with the annoying clown during the summation]
Adrian Monk: Everyone just accepted the fact that your foot was broken. [Floppy sticks up his oversized shoe and flips it back, pretending to be in pain] What is your problem?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, clown! Take a walk!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]
Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[Floppy the clown motions Randy out]
Adrian Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down... [Natasia looks smug] Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it. [The smug look fades.] You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Floppy the Clown: [makes honking sound, mimes drawing a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]
Floppy the Clown: For what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, just suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] - Season 2
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Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] - Season 2
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Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Leland Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Leland Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] - Season 2
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Monk: So what do you think?
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.
Monk: Don't say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] - Season 2
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[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay - I don't need the entire list.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] - Season 2
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Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] - Season 2
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Leland Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Leland Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] - Season 2
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[First lines; Monk and Sharona are watching Gail's performance]
Sharona Fleming: What do you think so far?
Adrian Monk: There's no legroom. It's so crowded.
Sharona Fleming: It's supposed to be crowded. It's sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Adrian Monk: So where is she?
Sharona Fleming: She's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters]
Sharona Fleming: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut]
Hal Duncan: [as Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
Gail Fleming: But you're supposed to be in jail!
Hal Duncan: It's funny that phrase, "supposed to be". I'm "supposed to be" in jail, you're "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can't count on "supposed to be" the way he used to.
Gail Fleming: You know, my husband's upstairs! If he hears you he'll come down-
Hal Duncan: Your husband's downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda! I saw him leave about an hour ago.
[Hal fusses with Gail's blouse]
Gail Fleming: I've got some money in my purse! Why don't you just take it and go?
Hal Duncan: You think I want your pocket change?! You think that's why I came back?! [Hal overturns the table, spilling all of its contents on the stage. Gail screams and secretly pulls out a knife]
Hal Duncan: Who ordered the tossed salad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I came back for what's mine.
Gail Fleming: You know, if you don't leave, I'll-
Hal Duncan: You'll what? Huh? You'll do nothin'! [takes a bite of the apple he is holding] Like I said, I'm here for what's mine! [Gail stabs Hal with the prop knife. Hal screams, and staggers across the stage, obviously having a seizure]
Gail Fleming: Hal, are you okay? [Hal falls on the floor and starts having convulsions] Hal? Hal?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
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[Monk meets Sharona's mother after being told several white lies]
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fleming.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
Adrian Monk: Wipe?
Sharona Fleming: Not now.
Cheryl Fleming: Where's Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, he's not here. He's sleeping over at a friend's house.
Cheryl Fleming: You forgot I was coming, didn't you? No, that's all right. I understand. You're probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Sharona Fleming: Hey, Ma, you know what? There's, there's something I've got to tell you.
Cheryl Fleming: What? A bad review?
Adrian Monk: Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, no, I'm fine, I've been sittin' all day.
Sharona Fleming: Ma, you know what? I think it's best that we sit down.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh.
Sharona Fleming: Something happened last night at the show. [Sharona and Cheryl sit]
Cheryl Fleming: Okay.
Adrian Monk: There was a stabbing.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, you mean, in the audience?
Adrian Monk: No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail...stabbed him.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I know. I read the script.
Adrian Monk: No, no, Cheryl. He died.
Cheryl Fleming: Oh, I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming: Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
Adrian Monk: She's been arrested for murder in the second degree. There's a bail hearing tomorrow.
Cheryl Fleming: Gail?! [scoffs] No. I don't believe it. It's a mistake, right?
Adrian Monk: The police don't think so.
Cheryl Fleming: Well, they're wrong. Well, you're gonna help her, right? I mean, that's what you do. You're a couple of detectives, right?
Adrian Monk: Of course, we're going to help her. After all, we're...we're a couple of detectives. Right?
Sharona Fleming: Right.
Cheryl Fleming: Right.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
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[Monk inspects the propmaster's toolbox]
O'Dell: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I was just...nothing.
O'Dell: Hey, don't fiddle with the props. I've got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment's notice. I've been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.
Adrian Monk: What was the...
O'Dell: The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it.
Adrian Monk: Really? Wow. I'm, uh, I'm Adrian Monk, and this is Sh-she's usually right here. This is a terrible week. I'll bet.
O'Dell: Hey, that wasn't my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them...I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O'Dell pulls out and stabs himself with a prop knife]
Adrian Monk: Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts; O'Dell laughs]
O'Dell: Don't wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
Adrian Monk: May I? [He holds the prop knife up]
O'Dell: See? It doesn't feel like a real knife at all, does it?
Adrian Monk: No.
O'Dell: She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. "Hell hath no fury," right?
Adrian Monk: And you're sure you put a fake knife on the stage?
O'Dell: I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.
Adrian Monk: And there was nobody else here?
O'Dell: Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail's understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody's sick.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
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[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Adrian Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
%
Adrian Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
%
[Monk is forced to go on a Speedy Date to talk to Jenna Ryan]
Date #1: I like your eyes.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.
Date #1: So you're a former police officer.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Date #1: You still have your handcuffs?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Date #1: Can you show them to me sometime?
Adrian Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
%
Sharona Fleming: So, how'd the dating go?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single!
Sharona Fleming: You are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
%
[Monk is trying to use Sharona to reenact the crime scene, but Sharona is getting confused by Monk's directions]
Adrian Monk: You... you enter from the right...
Sharona Fleming: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Adrian Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona Fleming: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]
Sharona Fleming: My sister's an actress!
Adrian Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.
Sharona Fleming: [sardonically] Like you would know.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] - Season 2
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[first lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [Brian gives them the finger, then floors on the gas pedal]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs his radio]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He's eastbound on Union.
Lt. Randall Disher: [excited] This is my first car chase! I've been waiting for this my whole life! [A pickup truck immediately T-bones Brian's car and sends it crashing into another vehicle. Stottlemeyer nonchalantly unbuckles his seatbelt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy looks at the wreckage, dumbstruck]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: Is that a new tie?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona Fleming: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Randall Disher: Ooh - do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona Fleming: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
%
[The four convene at Amanda Babbage's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, old buddy, old pal, old chum.
Sharona Fleming: "Old buddy"? What have you done with the real Captain Stottlemeyer?
Adrian Monk: What do we have?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mail bomb. An ounce and a half of plastique with a magnesium charge.
Lt. Randall Disher: There were two triggers: a chemical detonator wired to the wrapping, and a motion detector-so when you opened it and moved it, "boom".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not hard to make.
Lt. Randall Disher: Crude and unpredictable, actually.
Adrian Monk: Who's the victim?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Amanda Babbage, thirty-five years old. She lived here alone.
Adrian Monk: Nice house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It was a lot nicer two hours ago.
Adrian Monk: [notices the ATF agents] The Feds are here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, up the wazoo -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They're in charge, and they're not shy about saying so. Monk, if you can make me look good here, I would really appreciate it. I'd love to show these bastards up. Wouldn't hurt our careers either.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
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[Monk has inspected the knots Ricky has used to tie down his surfboard]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okeydokey.
Adrian Monk: Who's Marion?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You are. Marion the Librarian.
Adrian Monk: So, it's like a put-down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup. It's a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?
Adrian Monk: [on Ricky] Oh, he's not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the package was mailed to the old address.
Adrian Monk: Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They're a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So the feds-
Adrian Monk: Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Brian, but he's a dead end.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or practically dead.
Sharona Fleming: What do you mean?
Lt. Randall Disher: The guy's in a coma.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and-and stepped on the gas.
Lt. Randall Disher: It was my first car chase.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That didn't count. The guy didn't go half a block. You didn't get the car in gear!
Lt. Randall Disher: It counted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It wasn't a chase, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: We ran to the car.
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh...four months ago. So, he wouldn't have known that his sister had moved.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Sharona] It counted.
Adrian Monk: I'd like to meet him.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
%
[Monk thinks that comatose Brian Babbage is the killer]
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who? [Monk indicates comatose Brian] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
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[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Lt. Randall Disher: You want some coffee, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. CREEP to eat crow!
Adrian Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don't know how.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he's in a coma.
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea. Tell him.
Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.
Sharona Fleming: It's not exactly something you can plan.
Adrian Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Adrian Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit - it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?
[Agent Grooms comes out of the interrogation room, having finished questioning Ricky Babbage]
Agent Grooms: Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. So, how's it look?
Agent Grooms: He's bending not breaking. I'll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I'm gonna list him as my primary. I'll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we're all on the same page.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm thinking... [glances at Monk] Maybe it's the other brother.
Agent Grooms: Well, there's only one other brother, and... he's in a coma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.
[Stottlemeyer takes another glance at Monk, who is showing support]
Agent Grooms: He's a vegetable, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know.
Agent Grooms: Don't you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I'm just...curious. How do you think he did it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're still working on that.
Agent Grooms: Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
%
[Monk looks at one of Brian Babbage's magazines]
Adrian Monk: He was looking for a lawyer.
Sharona Fleming: That's no surprise. He was suing his whole family.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. These are criminal lawyers. Look at the name he circled: "Scott Butterworth".
Sharona Fleming: I know that name.
Adrian Monk: "Suspended twice." He was a hack. Brian Babbage could afford any attorney in town. Why would...why would anyone want to hire a bad lawyer?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
%
Sharona Fleming: Why can't you be happy for me?
Adrian Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.
Sharona Fleming: Who's Brian?
Adrian Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona Fleming: The coma guy? He woke up?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: But you were talking to him.
Adrian Monk: He's a good listener.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
%
[Monk and Sharona have narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
Sharona Fleming: You don't have to shout!
Adrian Monk: [still yelling] Why are you whispering?!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
%
U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] - Season 2
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[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nude magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously]
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona Fleming: He is now.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That assistant, she called you.
Sharona Fleming: Mm-hmm. Diane Luden.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I think she might be on to something.
Sharona Fleming: We'd like to look at the official file.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Lt. Randall Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Lt. Randall Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you're on your own.
Adrian Monk: Okay, forget it. Let's go. What's our first stop?
Sharona Fleming: Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Elliot D'Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Lt. Randall Disher: Saphhire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Once. Ten years ago.
Sharona Fleming: Did your wife find out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Lt. Randall Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.
Sharona Fleming: Ugh.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
%
[Monk is observing Dexter Larsen's room]
Adrian Monk: That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona Fleming: Try not to think about that now.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
%
Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.
Sharona Fleming: You still are.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
%
[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him]
Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?
Model: I just want to go home.
2nd Model: Me, too.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
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[Monk is searching Danny Bonaduce's car when Dexter Larsen spots him]
Dexter Larsen: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh...you looking for something?
Adrian Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?
Dexter Larsen: Why would you think that?
Adrian Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here.
Dexter Larsen: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.
Dexter Larsen: Hmmm.
Adrian Monk: How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D'Souza?
Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.
Adrian Monk: Right. How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You've taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I've taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th...that's...that's my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dexter Larsen: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?
Adrian Monk: He is twelve.
Dexter Larsen: Twelve. That's an impressionable age. I think we understand each other, don't we? Any more questions about what happened to Elliott?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dexter Larsen: You can let yourself out.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
%
[Monk and Sharona go to Noelle Winters' apartment]
Noelle Winters: Hello.
Adrian Monk: Noelle. Do you remember me?
Noelle Winters: Oh, yeah. From the party. Uh, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Hi.
Adrian Monk: Do you mind if we come in?
Noelle Winters: Uh, sure. Well, you'll have to excuse the mess. I'm still unpacking from my trip.
Adrian Monk: Noelle, did you know that you were directly below Elliot D'Souza's apartment?
Noelle Winters: No. No, I knew he lived in the building.
Adrian Monk: At the party, you mentioned that Dexter Larsen found this apartment for you.
Noelle Winters: Yeah, that's right.
Sharona Fleming: When was that?
Noelle Winters: Uh, about a month ago.
Sharona Fleming: And then he sent you out of town?
Noelle Winters: Yeah, that's right. To London and Paris on a promotional tour. So, what's all this about anyway? [Monk spots some indentations in the carpet]
Adrian Monk: Did you make these?
Noelle Winters: What?
Adrian Monk: These indentations on the carpet.
Noelle Winters: Uh, maybe. I might have or maybe they came from that chair.
Adrian Monk: No. No, they're not from the chair.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
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[Dexter finds the police at his house; Stottlemeyer, Monk and Sharona are waiting for him in his dining room]
Dexter Larsen: What the hell is going on? [Stottlemeyer gives him a search warrant]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dexter Larsen, that's a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house.
Bimbo: Dex, I tried to call you. They've been here an hour. They've been looking everywhere!
Dexter Larsen: Looking for what?
Adrian Monk: Looking... for proof that you killed Elliot D'Souza.
Dexter Larsen: Mr. Monk, are you serious? [notices that his Carvasia is lying on the dining room table] My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that!
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I'll get it. [He starts to grab for it]
Dexter Larsen: No! No! Don't touch it. I'll do it. It's very valuable. [He tries to pick it up off the table, but it doesn't budge; Sharona stares at Dexter oddly]
Sharona Fleming: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's wrong? Pick it up. Can't weigh more than fifteen pounds.
Dexter Larsen: All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, if I may. [He picks it up with ease] No, not glued. Your turn. [Dexter tries to pick it up again, but it is stuck to the table] We found it, Dexter.
Dexter Larsen: Found what?
Sharona Fleming: The magnet that you built. [Stottlemeyer moves aside a dining table chair, revealing that Randy is holding a large magnet to the underside of the table]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you can come out now, unless you're enjoying yourself down there. [Randy gets up, carrying the large magnet with him]
Dexter Larsen: What's this supposed to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you don't recognize that? We found it in your workshop. It had fingerprints all over it. [to Monk] Go ahead.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] - Season 2
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Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.
Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

  --  Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09] - Season 2
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[Monk and Sharona talk to handyman Ian Agnew about his lawsuit against the Babcocks]
Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]
Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!
[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
Ian Agnew: I testified.
Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?
Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors! [singing] Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer true! [turns back to the empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG! [then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most? [points to the pipe] Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this. [picks up the phone again]
Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.
Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is right now! [Monk and Sharona walk out] Well I don't believe that for a minute!

  --  Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.

  --  Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09] - Season 2
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Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: How did you know that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.

  --  Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09] - Season 2
%
[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
[pause]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
...
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
%
Adrian Monk: Why do you torture me like this?
Sharona Fleming: Because I can.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
%
[Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen to this: this is "News from Around the World," Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder; a woman was found strangled, and both of her hands were cut off.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: That happens all the time: no fingerprints. Makes it harder to ID the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now here's the thing: they found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass.
Adrian Monk: The killer cut off both hands, but then left them near the body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. She and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille.
Adrian Monk: Prison museum?
[cuts to a Paris police prefecture. A police lieutenant comes into his captain's office]
Lieutenant Lafitte: [in French] Captain Dupres, there is a detective calling from America. He has solved the murder of Madame Beaudreau.
Captain Dupres: [in French] He solved it?
Lieutenant Lafitte: [in French] By reading a newspaper, from 9,000 kilometers away! [Dupres sighs and picks up the phone]
Captain Dupres: Captain Dupres, Prefecture de Police. [cuts to Monk's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bonjour. Je m'appelle Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. Je travaille avec le department de police de San Francisco. Uhhhh, parlez vous English? ["Hello, my name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I work for the department of police of San Francisco. Do you speak English"]
Captain Dupres: I speak enough. What can I do for you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, hi, I've got a friend. His name is Adrian Monk.
Adrian Monk: [into the phone] Bonjour.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He has a theory about an unsolved case of yours. Here, I'll put him on. [hands the phone to Monk] He speaks English well enough. [Monk wipes down the phone, pressing several of the other buttons]
Adrian Monk: Yes, yse, hello. I think I know who killed Madame Beaudreau.
Captain Dupres: [skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
Adrian Monk: I think her husband did it.
Captain Dupres: Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
Adrian Monk: He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
Captain Dupres: I do not follow you.
Adrian Monk: They were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
Captain Dupres: Mon Dieu...
Adrian Monk: He must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
Captain Dupres: Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
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[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a body shop to arrest a businessman named Malcolm Cowley for a hit-and-run death]
Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder of Nestor Alvarez. Come with me. [He starts to lead Cowley away]
Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? Monk, we've read the man his rights.
Adrian Monk: He is guilty of the hit-and-run, but he didn't kill the paperboy. He didn't know who I was. There is something else in this newspaper, something I'm missing. [He drops the newspaper, disgusted, realizing that he has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
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[Disher walks into Stottlemeyer's office while Stottlemeyer does work on his laptop]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, I have a thought. [Stottlemeyer doesn't look up, and waves his fingers] About paperboy. [Stottlemeyer continues gesturing with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This means "hurry up".
Lt. Randall Disher: It was a burglary; the paperboy interrupted a B&E; in progress. It fits: there were five break-ins on that block last year alone.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [stands up] Nope. I already looked into that. All of those break-ins were hot prowlers - forced entry with a crowbar.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Our guy was empty-handed.
Lt. Randall Disher: What about a car thief?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, doesn't it? [He puts on his overcoat]
Lt. Randall Disher: Right. So we're back to Monk's theory?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid so. [shows Randy the door] And this means "we're leaving".

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
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[Monk and Sharona are at the Stop 'n Go]
Boz Harrelson: How 'bout a lottery ticket?
Sharona Fleming: Oh no. You just had a big winner. I never buy a ticket unless the jackpot's more than 10 million dollars.
Adrian Monk: [pretending to laugh] Yeah, 10 million dollars. I don't know how they can even call that a jackpot.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
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[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
Adrian Monk: When did it happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Adrian Monk: No prints on the bottle?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nothing yet.
Adrian Monk: Surveillance camera?
Lt. Randall Disher: Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, this was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But the killer took the money.
Adrian Monk: The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
Adrian Monk: No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
Adrian Monk: That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
Sharona Fleming: It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
Adrian Monk: How did I miss that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's stronger and smarter than you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do?! There's a dead woman over there!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Adrian]
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[To search van Ranken's house, Adrian and Sharona make a surprise visit]
Sharona Fleming: Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.
Pat van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
Adrian Monk: No, I'm his brother.
Pat van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Adrian Monk: Thirty-two...
Pat van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Adrian Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose Monk: Outside? Oh no, I can't.
Sharona Fleming: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[Adrian believes that the incriminating shell casing they are looking for is in van Ranken's pie]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
Pat van Ranken: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.
Pat van Ranken: And if I refuse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.
Pat van Ranken: For a pie?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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Adrian Monk: He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.
Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll aggressively with his shirt sleeve]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] - Season 2
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[Monk tries to recreate the murder of Susan Malloy, and has Sharona play the victim]
Sharona Fleming: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

  --  Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12] - Season 2
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[Monk solves the case]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
Sharona Fleming: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?

  --  Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12] - Season 2
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[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it! Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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Granny Parlo: And--and it was raining.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Sharona Fleming: Weep openly.
Lt. Randall Disher: --do some paperwork.
Sharona Fleming: While you weep openly.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk: Let the man speak for himself.
Man: I don't want any gravy!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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[Monk approaches the homeless man that didn't want gravy]
Adrian Monk: Here, it is!
Man: I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: Are you serious?
Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you, I don't want it.
Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Monk: That's it.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God!
Sharona Fleming: [sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
Phone Technician: Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long do we need?
Phone Technician: Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which it will be.
Phone Technician: ...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
Julie Parlo: Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] - Season 2
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[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14] - Season 2
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Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: Have you been drinking?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Adrian Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15] - Season 2
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Sharona Fleming: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Adrian Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15] - Season 2
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Adrian Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona Fleming: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
Adrian Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes! You live in a dream world.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15] - Season 2
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[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]
Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?
Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.
Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] - Season 2
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Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] - Season 2
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Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] - Season 2
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[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]
Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you?
Adrian Monk: Yes, she is.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] - Season 2
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Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!
Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!
Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.
Lody: He's a cop!
Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.
Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?
Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] - Season 2
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[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long does he have?
Captain Walter Cage: Two, three days. He's being deposed in connection with that federal racketeering case, and they're afraid they're gonna lose him before they get what they need. They're not letting anybody else near him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Captain Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you! If we close the ambassador case...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador! He means less than zero to me, okay? My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him, too! In a way. [silence]
Captain Walter Cage: If we close this case, we can call the press, we can call City Hall, we're gonna have juice. Come on, you know how this works! They won't dare say no to us. Captain, it's not just your best shot. It's your only shot.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway train]
Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Sharona: Adrian Monk.
Subway Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona: He's forty-five.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Monk: We saw what you did-!
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]
Sharona Fleming: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man [gestures to Steven Leight] killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest? [Monk thinks it over]
Adrian Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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Lt. Randall Disher: [describing his "Rolex" to the others] I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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[Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have lost track of Monk after getting out of their cab]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where is he?
Masul the Cabbie: Who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The guy in the front seat, where is he?
Masul the Cabbie: The nut?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the nut! Where'd he go?
Masul the Cabbie: What is he complaining about? My taxi is very clean! Why is he wiping, wiping, wiping everything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sir, your taxi is perfect! But where did he go?
Masul the Cabbie: Look, I don't care! I never pick him up again! I see him again, I keep driving! I don't care if I lose my license! You tell him, I'll keep driving!

  --  Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] - Season 3
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[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]
Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie?
Benjy Fleming: It's when you pull a kid's underwear all the way out of his pants.
Adrian Monk: When I was a kid they called it something else.
Benjy Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: An "Adrian."

  --  Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] - Season 3
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Adrian Monk: Uh-oh...
Benjy Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: The Band-Aid.
Benjy Fleming: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] - Season 3
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Sharona Fleming: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Benjy Fleming: Mom!
Adrian Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father!
Adrian Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
Benjy Fleming: OW!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] - Season 3
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]
Sharona Fleming: Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?
[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [incredulously] On the wall?
Sharona Fleming: It was pretty awful.
Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!
[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] - Season 3
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[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] - Season 3
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[During a blackout]
Monk: [groans]
Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.
Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!
Sharona: Let him squeeze it.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.
Monk: When will it be over?
Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.
Monk: When will it be over?!
Benjy: Make him stop!
[The lights come back on]
Sharona: See? I told you.
Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.
Sharona: So I heard.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Monk and Sharona are talking to Michelle Rivas at the power plant. Michelle hears a noise, looks up, and sees Gene Edelson coming down the ladder]
Michelle Rivas: Gene, what are you doing up there?
Gene Edelson: What am I doing? I am checking the auxillary generator.
Michelle Rivas: Well there's a reporter looking for you.
Gene Edelson: Well you're the company mouth. You talk to them. It's not my job. [spots Monk tapping one of the gauges on an instrument panel] Excuse me! Uh, do you see the sign? [Monk notices the "DO NOT TOUCH" sign over the gauge]
Adrian Monk: Ah, no problem. I got it. [He straightens it a few centimeters. Michelle chuckles]
Michelle Rivas: I've been dying to do that for six months. [Stottlemeyer and Disher come back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk, we've got the prelim on the explosives. [Monk joins them to examine the remnants of the bomb] We think... four to five pounds of a high density plastique with a magnesium charge. It was detonated with an egg timer.
Adrian Monk: You mentioned the letters. Is that the letter?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, three pages, taped to the back door outside. [Monk looks over Randy's shoulder to see the note]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah it's a basic environmental laundry list: solar power, fossil fuels, Saudi Arabia, "it's the only planet we have."
Adrian Monk: [reading] "We are free men... unshacked by your barborous laws." I know that phrase. I've heard that before. "Unshackled." "Barborous laws." [He thinks for a few seconds] Ten years ago, that exact same phrase was in a letter, written by a guy named Winston... No yes, Winston Brenner. Trudy wrote an article about him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I remember that guy. He was a serious radicalist in Boston. He blew up a recruiting station; a couple of soldiers got killed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Looks like he just came out of retirement.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's check him out.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer walks into his office when Disher calls to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer walks back out to Randy's desk] Monk was right. And you're right too sir, about Monk being right. Check this out. Good work.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What have you got, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Winston Brenner. He was an activist in the 90s. He was indicted in a series of bombings in Boston. Pretty angry individual. [grabs evidence bags with two different notes; he holds up the left one first] Here, look at this. This is the note from the power plant. [holds up the one in his right hand] This one is from 11 years ago. He uses a lot of the same phrases: "The blood I shed today."/"The blood I shed today." "The price of absolute freedom."/"The price of absolute freedom." And check this out. [rotates his desk lamp to show the comparison in the writing sample, also shining the light right into Stottlemeyer's face] The handwriting is identical. This is definitely the guy. The only thing is, is that back then, Brenner didn't really care about the environment. Anti-military was his thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you read the rest of the file, Randy? [Randy produces surveillance photos]
Lt. Randall Disher: We've got some pictures too. They're blurry, but good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Read the rest of the file, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Which part?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The part here where it says that he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's dead.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a construction site to talk to tree-hugger Alby Drake]
Alby Drake: No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
[Monk and Sharona arrive]
Sharona Fleming: Did you call Michelle?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: Did you think about it?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: Did you think about thinking about it?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, I'm a married man.
Sharona Fleming: Captain, Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, Monk.
Sharona Fleming: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree hugger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.
Adrian Monk: How long has he been up there?
Construction Foreman: Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.
Sharona Fleming: How does he go to the bathroom? [Almost immediately, everyone except for Randy steps back]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Monk has a date with Michelle Rivas]
Sharona Fleming: Are you excited?
Adrian Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
Sharona Fleming: "Petrified and full of regret". Welcome to the world of dating.
[They walk around the remains of Alby Drake's tree to meet Stottlemeyer, who climbs over one of the fallen branches to meet them]
Adrian Monk: Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk. Sharona. I'm sure you've noticed by now that there used to be a big tree standing right over there.
Adrian Monk: What time?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 4:35 AM. A security guard heard somebody start up the bulldozer. Moments later, ch-ch-ch, "Timber!" Drake was dead on impact.
Lt. Randall Disher: He made a phone call though at around midnight.
Adrian Monk: To a payphone, right?
Lt. Randall Disher: You guessed it: Palo Alto.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, well it had to be to Brenner. He's the guy.
Adrian Monk: So not only is Winston Brenner alive and well, he's making sure that his old pals don't rat him out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right. The FBI's calling at Palo Alto tonight. They want to compare notes; synchronize watches.
Adrian Monk: Ouch, whoa-whoa, I-I can't make it.
Sharona Fleming: He has a date.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Monk is on the phone with Michelle Rivas]
Adrian Monk: That used to be my nickname, Mr. Punctuality.
Michelle Rivas: In college?
Adrian Monk: Kindergarten.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Monk, Michelle and a pregnant woman are trapped in an elevator due to Winston Brenner's latest blackout]
Adrian Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...
Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.
Adrian Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[during yet another blackout]
Adrian Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at Winston Brenner]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] - Season 3
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[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04] - Season 3
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Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
Monk: I'm back, baby!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04] - Season 3
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Sharona: 74 percent is good enough for me! [tackles the Commissioner and wrestles to grab his toupee]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04] - Season 3
%
[Randy has given Stottlemeyer an update on an arson fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What did the fire marshal have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04] - Season 3
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[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
Adrian Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona Fleming: That's my music.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] - Season 3
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[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli]
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
Lt. Randall Disher: Number Five.
Adrian Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] - Season 3
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[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]
Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Adrian Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] - Season 3
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[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
Agent Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Adrian Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] - Season 3
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[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Monk and Sharona at the FBI's post]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! What, you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside. [to Monk] Monk. [to Colmes] Colmes! Whaddaya think you're doing?!
Agent Colmes: This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, neither does he! What's going on?
Sharona Fleming: They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family. [Randy looks at a surveillance photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing! And don't call him that!
Lt. Randall Disher: What? Are you defending him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you start by telling them, what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? Oh, start by telling them where we found the body buried!
Sharona Fleming: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually the parts that they found.
Agent Colmes: Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] - Season 3
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[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]
Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
Dr. Kroger: Your father?
Sharona: Adrian.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06] - Season 3
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Varla Davis: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.
Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06] - Season 3
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[Monk just explained to Varla Davis what the boot tip means.]
Monk: Wipe.
Varla Davis: Wipe what!?
Monk: I say wipe and you give me a wipe. That's how it works.
Varla Davis: Well you better get over "it" fast!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06] - Season 3
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[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?
Monk: No.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?
Monk: No choice.
[Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb-
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
[He calls two more officers over]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
[They keep popping for a few seconds.]
Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.]
Sharona Fleming: Tired?
Lt. Randall Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona Fleming: [sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
Lt. Randall Disher: Crystal.
Sharona Fleming: [sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona Fleming: You have a picture?
Lt. Randall Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona Fleming: That's sad.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models! Thank you very much.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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[Monk is late for dinner]
Sharona: So where is he, anyway?
Joe Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
Sharona: He's putting boxes away?
Joe Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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Joe Christie: [indicates the prize mug] What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Adrian Monk: Joe... [He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
Adrian Monk: I said that?
Joe Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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Joe Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Adrian Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
%
[At a Mega-Mart staff meeting, Brent Donovan declares Jennie Silverman the Employee of the Month for the second consecutive month]
Brent Donovan: So this will come as no big surprise to anybody, but the Employee of the Month for the second straight month is, drum roll please, is Jennie Silverman. [Everyone applauses and pretends praise] Well done, Jenny. And as winner, Jenny will enjoy another month of special privilages: the Employee of the Month parking spot in front of the main entrance, of course the--Mega-Mart mug, the gift certificate for dinner for two at the Lobster Barrel on 17th Street - good only on weekdays and does not include lobster - and the winner's plaque, which will be on display right at the main entrance for the entire month, which should inspire all of us.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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[Monk and Christie look through Jenny's special privilages]
Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] - Season 3
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[first lines; Lizzie Talvo is showing an old tape of a Treasure Chest game to her boss]
Roddy Lankman: Doesn't prove anything.
Lizzie Talvo: It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
Roddy Lankman: No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
Lizzie Talvo: Roddy, why did you do it?
Roddy Lankman: You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
Lizzie Talvo: That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses to Dwight Ellison]
Roddy Lankman: What are you doing?
Lizzie Talvo: The right thing!
Roddy Lankman: Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
Lizzie Talvo: I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
Roddy Lankman: All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
Lizzie Talvo: I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
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[Before the show, Monk and Dwight talk to Val Birch while a crew member adjusts his outfit]
Dwight Ellison: Val Birch? This is my old friend Adrian Monk.
Val Birch: Adrian? Ooh, gym glass must have been hell with a name like that.
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes it was-
Val Birch: Are you nearly done or do you just like touching me?
Stagehand: Almost done.
Dwight Ellison: Adrian's here from San Francisco.
Val Birch: Oh, Frisco? God-awful town! I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week! When are they gonna do something about all that fog?
Adrian Monk: Well, I-I don't know. I'll make some calls.
Val Birch: I couldn't see a damn thing! Not even that, um, uh, golden bridge they've got.
Adrian Monk: The Golden Gate.
Val Birch: No, genius, the bridge.
Adrian Monk: Right, that's what they call it: the Golden Gate-
Val Birch: Okay, okay! Testing 1-2-3, we're done! [walks away]
Dwight Ellison: [to Monk] That idiot's won seven times in a row!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
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[Monk notices that Kevin has picked up a pencil]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What is that?
Kevin Dorfman: Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a "collectible": you can look, but don't touch.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
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[During the game]
Roddy Lankman: The next question, for $1,500: Which monarch is sometimes known as the Tragic Queen? Was it: A) Queen Elizabeth, B) Marie Antoinette, C) Catherine the Great- [He is cut off when Birch buzzes in]
Val Birch: B: Mary Ann Tonette.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct: Marie Antoinette.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
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[Kevin and Monk are looking inside Val Birch's house, and are debating whether they can go in]
Kevin Dorfman: I know, I'll lean in.
Adrian Monk: What?
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
Adrian Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
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[Monk and Kevin have been to Birch's house and Monk decides he has to get closer]
Adrian Monk: I have to get closer.
Kevin Dorfman: Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.
[cuts to another Treasure Chest show in the process of being taped]
Roddy Lankman: Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]
Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.
Roddy Lankman: [onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Roddy Lankman: Who'd that be?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.
Roddy Lankman: That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]
Stagehand: Did he just say "car bomb"?
Adrian Monk: [continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
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[Monk's game enters the second round]
Roddy Lankman: Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.
Adrian Monk: Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
Roddy Lankman: Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibula- [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: B, Tibula.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]
Val Birch: It's C.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
Val Birch: Lucky guess.
Roddy Lankman: Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]
Adrian Monk: D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy ["D" being "1901"].
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. The next question, who-[Monk buzzes in insistently]
Adrian Monk: B-B-B-B-B-B!
Roddy Lankman: "B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?
Susan: I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!
Roddy Lankman: Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]
Susan: C!
Roddy Lankman: No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]
Adrian Monk: A.
Roddy Lankman: 'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element-[Monk rings in]
Adrian Monk: D.
Roddy Lankman: D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]
Adrian Monk: Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
Roddy Lankman: [scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?
Adrian Monk: Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]
Val Birch: Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]
Roddy Lankman: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
[up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]
Kevin Dorfman: Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
Adrian Monk: [onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]
Roddy Lankman: Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]
Dwight Ellison: You do and you're fired.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] - Season 3
%
[first lines]
[A biker, Dewey Albert, comes out of a store but finds a police officer and undercover cop waiting by his Softtail motorcycle]
Dewey Albert: Aw, man!
Officer Cooper: Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?
Dewey Albert: [to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!
Officer Cooper: You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.
Dewey Albert: Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.
Undercover Cop: You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.
Officer Cooper: Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]
Dewey Albert: Have you guys got anything better to do?
[A light blue Toyota Corolla pulls up to the nearby intersection. Upon seeing the cops, the driver - whose face is kept hidden - pulls a Springfield 1911 handgun out of the glove compartment and aims it out the passenger's side window]
Dewey Albert: Get off my bike.
Undercover Cop: You know I think I'll take it for a ride.
Dewey Albert: Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]
Undercover Cop: What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.
[The driver of the Corolla checks the slide as Stottlemeyer and Disher get out of their car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the driver continues to fire at them and speeds away]

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
Monk: I am so outta here.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
[Monk shows up at Marlene Highsmith's apartment, where Sharona is waiting]
Sharona Fleming: Is it you?
Adrian Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
Sharona Fleming: What happened to "the Monk"?
Adrian Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
[Monk walks up to Randy]
Monk: Hey, toystore!
Randy: What did you just call me?
Monk: Toystore. Your name's Disher, dish. Plate, play-to, play-dough...where do you buy play-dough?
Randy: Toystore?
Monk: That's what I'm talking about.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
[Monk and Sharona are speeding through the streets to stop Lester Highsmith]
Adrian Monk: A Stop sign is not a suggestion!!
Sharona Fleming: Yes it is!
[cuts to Lester and his accomplice loading money boxes into the back of their van. After finishing loading the money, Lester pulls out his sidearm Glock and draws it on the hostage guard]
Lester Highsmith: Sorry, Kelly, nothing personal. [Monk and Sharona come speeding into the industrial park. Lester and his partner look up as the car screeches to a stop]
Adrian Monk: Lester! Drop the gun!
Lester Highsmith: You? [starts to lower his gun, but stops] Is that a water pistol? [The barrel is dripping]
Adrian Monk: No. [pause] Maybe. [Lester starts to raise his gun again. Police cars begin to approach just behind Monk] It's... scalding! It's scalding hot water! Just drop it! [As an unmarked unit screeches to a stop, Stottlemeyer hangs out the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lester, drop it!

  --  Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] - Season 3
%
Dr. Charles Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Adrian Monk: God help her.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Monk is in session with Dr. Kroger]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Didn't she sell her house?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Charles Kroger: And she moved back to New Jersey?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Charles Kroger: And she remarried her ex-husband?
Adrian Monk: I'm not sure I like where you're going here.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: Nine A.M....
Nurse #2: Until...?
Adrian Monk: Until one...
Nurse #2: One P.M.?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Monk is investigating Natalie Teeger's house to figure what the two intruders who have broken into her house might have been after]
Adrian Monk: Is there money in the house?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.
Julie Teeger: [whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
Adrian Monk: Technically, it's a crimson marblefish.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it extinct?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out why the intruders in Natalie's house wanted her marble fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[In dead perp Brian Lemmon's pocket, Monk finds a note]
Adrian Monk: "2:30 Sea of Tranquility." What is that? A club?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Adrian Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[watching a somber parrot]
Natalie Teeger: What happened to him?
Adrian Monk: His wife died.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
Natalie Teeger: Why not put another female in there with him?
Adrian Monk: Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[At the museum]
Human Corpuscle performer: Hello, I'm a white corpuscle. I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
Natalie Teeger: No. I'd like to know less about you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
Adrian Monk: [examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
Natalie Teeger: It was over 30,000 years ago!
Adrian Monk: Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...
Natalie Teeger: Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie Teeger: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
AdrianMonk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
[Later, up the tunnel]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Adrian Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c- I can't go up there, I- ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Julie's teacher has disqualified her science project, and Natalie needs Monk to validate that Julie's project is legitimate]
Natalie Teeger: What do you call a guy who studies fish?
Adrian Monk: An ichthyologist.
Natalie Teeger: That's what you are.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, you are.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think I am.
Natalie Teeger: For the next five minutes you are.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[Peck has set one of the exhibits on fire as a distraction; Stottlemeyer rushes up]
Kid: Here, use this! It's a fire extinguisher. [He hands Stottlemeyer his homemade fire extinguisher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thanks. [He sprays it on the fire, which causes the flames to grow and intensify] Hey! What's in this thing?!
Kid: Turpentine. [Stottlemeyer resorts to using his coat to smother the blaze]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] - Season 3
%
[In John Ricca's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!
Lt. Randall Disher: Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Cobra?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Adrian Monk: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, thank you for coming. [adknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.
Adrian Monk: More or less. How did he enter the building?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
Adrian Monk: He didn't mind being seen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
Natalie Teeger: Was he really killed with nunchucks?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.
Adrian Monk: The killer left these behind?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]
Police Officer: Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]
Natalie Teeger: You can't even see his face!
Lt. Randall Disher: He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.
Medical Examiner: He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.
Adrian Monk: How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it could have fallen off during the fight.
Medical Examiner: Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]
Lt. Randall Disher: "OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Stottlemeyer makes a late night visit to Monk's apartment. Monk, carrying a container of lightbulbs, answers]
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Got a minute?
Adrian Monk: Sure. [Stottlemeyer comes in and Monk closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, nothing. I was just... polishing the lightbulbs. What's going on? [He takes his box of lightbulbs back to the kitchen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about: I landed, I hailed a cab, and, I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed, he was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, I'm gonna wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs! Can you help me with this? I mean, I've gotta know, I've gotta be certain. Is this guy alive or dead?

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Natalie asks Master Zi if he thinks Monk should pay her expenses]
Master Zi: This man is your employer, your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. [to Monk] I would not pay this woman any more money. You must teach her that wealth is in the heart, not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It's not in the bank.

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
Adrian Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Sonny Chow's coffin is being exhumed]
Natalie Teeger: Lieutenant, you realize that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's killed at least two people.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You'd have to arrest him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie Teeger: He might even try to kill you.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow!
[Cuts to the gravediggers lifting the coffin out of the ground]
Adrian Monk: Captain. How are you feeling?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a nervous wreck. How'd things go with the Zen master?
Adrian Monk: Well he said Sonny Chow died in his arms. I believe him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Well at least the press hasn't gotten wind of this, 'cause once they do, it's gonna be like Christmas morning for those vultures.
Natalie Teeger: [examining the monument] Look at that thing!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. His fan club in the Phillippines paid for that!
Adrian Monk: [to the gravediggers] Be--be careful with that! You wanna be careful with that! [One gravedigger, Chris Downey, turns to Monk]
Chris Downey: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: I said you might wanna be careful with that.
Chris Downey: Come on, I've been doing this job since I was eighteen years old! I think I know what I'm doing. I don't come down to your station house and, tell you how to beat a confession out of some kid. [Stottlemeyer eyes and appears to recognize Downey]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Chris Downey: Maybe you do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're Chris Downey. [incredulously] They let you out?
Chris Downey: I did my time. Now I'm doing my job, at least I'm trying to. [swallows some pills from a bottle]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk and Natalie] I busted this low-life for assault and armed robbery.
Chris Downey: Got me on the assault. There was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right. We never recovered the jewels you stole-
Chris Downey: Allegedly stole, allegedly. I love that word.

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Monk and Natalie are waiting for Sonny Chow's coffin to be opened; Monk is examining pickle jars containing preserved organs]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this was not in my job description. Let's get out of here.
Adrian Monk: Oh I'm okay. What a beautiful pancreas. [Stottlemeyer, Disher, and a doctor come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, here we go. [They open the lid of the coffin]
Doctor: Hello...
Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you.
[They take a part of the corpse, and examine it under a microscope]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you're the expert. Is it him or not?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.
Doctor: We'll know soon enough. It'll take two minutes to compare these with his old dental records.

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Adrian Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
Natalie Teeger: [as Monk puts a small coin in a donation jar at the museum] It says five dollars.
Adrian Monk: Suggested donation. Considered their suggestion. Appreciate their suggestion. Decided to give less.

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
Adrian Monk: [as Natalie is leaving] I solved the case! Aren't you interested?
Chris Downey: I'm interested. [Monk looks behind just in time to see Chris Downey swing a shovel at his head. Cuts to Downey heaping dirt onto a buried coffin]

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Three police cars intercept Chris Downey's pickup truck as he drives out of the cemetery]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn off the motor! Throw your keys out the window! [Downey complies]
Lt. Randall Disher: [advancing on Downey, his gun drawn] Show me your hands, Downey! Show me your hands! Get out of the car! Get out of the car! [Downey slowly opens his door just as Natalie runs up. Stottlemeyer gets her out of the crossfire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, stay back! Stay back! [He forces Downey onto the hood of his truck] Where's Monk?! What did you do with him?
Chris Downey: Relax, Captain. He's still alive, for now.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where is he? What did you do with him? We can save both of your lives.
Chris Downey: If you wanna find your friend, I want something too: I want a car to the airport. [produces a small bag from his uniform pocket] I'm already packed. I want a jet that can fly 2,000 miles without refuelling. When I'm in the air, I'll tell you, A) Where I'm going, and B) where you can dig up... [stammers] Di-Dig. Y-you can dig. [immediately has a heart attack and collapses to the ground]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God, I think he's had a heart attack! [They start to perform CPR on him]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got no pulse.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downey! Downey!
Natalie Teeger: Don't die on us!

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
[Monk has been buried alive.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want that backhoe ready and running! Keep it running! [to the search party] All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes. This is Monk, I want the best you've got! So we're gonna spread out and we're gonna work the grid, all right! We're looking for fresh dirt, tire tracks, footprints, anything! Let's go-go!
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! There's a problem; the cemetery's just expanded. They just tore down a restaurant over there. It's all dug up, like, an acre and a half. Monk could be anywhere.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's already been 20 minutes. Even if we find him, he'll be a basket case!

  --  Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] - Season 3
%
Adrian Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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Adrian Monk: [as they drive into the mountains] Why couldn't we stay in the city?
Natalie Teeger: Because a man there wants you dead.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Agent Grooms: And that man packs a lot of muscle in the Bay Area.
Adrian Monk: I know that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's why they have a witness protection program.
[Grooms stops the car at a gas station. Stottlemeyer gets out]
Agent Grooms: Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you afraid of, Grooms? A sharpshooting raccoon with a high-powered rifle?
Agent Grooms: Okay, Captain, this is not a joke. Tommy Winn has already had two other federal witnesses killed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know he has. That's why I'm here. [Natalie gets out behind him]
Agent Grooms: Miss Teeger, stay in the vehicle.
Natalie Teeger: No.
Agent Grooms: All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourselves.
Natalie Teeger: Good advice coming from a guy wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.
[Monk gets out]
Adrian Monk: Where are we?
Agent Grooms: You're safe. That's where you are.
Adrian Monk: How long do we have to stay here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until the deposition hearing on Monday.
Adrian Monk: Six days. [Grooms goes to the gas pump and removes the hose]
Agent Grooms: You're doing God's work. We've finally got Tommy Winn behind bars and thanks to you, he's gonna stay there.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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[Monk tries to use the persona of a hunter while at the general store]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me, do you carry Sierra Springs bottled water?
Store Owner: In the cooler. Help yourself. [Natalie heads towards the cooler in the back] You folks just passin' through here?
Adrian Monk: I'm---I'm a hunter. I'm gonna do some hunting [mimes holding a hunting rifle]. [Another customer in the store, Kathy Willowby, eyes Monk oddly]
Kathy Willowby: Season doesn't start for three months.
Adrian Monk: I know. Uh, I like to get here early, and get a good spot.
Kathy Willowby: What are you gonna do? Squat in the woods for twelve weeks? [laughs]
Martin Willowby: Kathy! It's none of our business! This gentleman ain't poking his nose into your life, is he?
Kathy Willowby: He can ask me anything he likes! I've got nothing to hide. [to the owner; who is playing country music on his radio] Turn that up! Martin hates country music; he doesn't let me play it at home. Isn't that right, darling?
Martin Willowby: That is why the good Lord invented headphones.
Store Owner: Oh, Martin. I've got those dipsy-digglies you were asking about. [hands Martin a pair of fishing lures]
Martin Willowby: Thank you very much. [eying Monk] Best bass lure in the whole world!
Kathy Willowby: Yeah every lure you buy is the best lure in the world!
Martin Willowby: Well that's 'cause they keep improving them! I'll take two: one for the fish, and one for my lucky hat. [The cashier is taking care of Natalie's payment]
Store Owner: Okay. That will be $22 even.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
%
[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer are observing Kathy Willowby through binoculars. She is carrying some bags of ice into the cabin]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's carrying two packages. Looks like ice.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's brought in so far.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food! No beer, no chips, just ice!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: The only other thing that she bought today is a new radio. Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was me. You tied my foot to the bed.
Adrian Monk: I mean before that, and it was definitely coming from that cabin. [shushes them; faint country music can be heard from across the lake] You hear that? She said her husband didn't let her play country music in the house.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he's not home.
Adrian Monk: Where did he go? There's his boat! They only have the one car.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he went on a walk!
Adrian Monk: No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.
[Stottlemeyer gets an idea. He goes inside while Monk and Natalie continue to observe Kathy. Monk hands the binoculars over to Natalie. Kathy takes another bag of ice into the cabin. Inside, the cabin phone rings. Stottlemeyer comes back out of the FBI cabin carrying the phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's ringing.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
Kathy Willowby: Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. Uh, we're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much. [hangs up] She says that he's on the lake fishing.
Adrian Monk: Captain, she killed him. [Natalie sets down the binoculars in disgust]
Natalie Teeger: You have got to be kidding. Can I take you anywhere?!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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[Monk knows that Kathy Willowby electrocuted her husband]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
Adrian Monk: 95 percent.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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[In the woods]
Adrian Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
Adrian Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, this was handmade. See the edge? It was cut with scissors.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, did you just drive up here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get down!
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
Deputy Paul Coby: Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer:' There's at least two! One behind the canoes!
Deputy Paul Coby: Who the hell are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hit men from San Francisco!
Natalie Teeger: THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!
Kathy Willowby: Good!
[As the two hit men continue to fire on the cabin, Monk puts Kathy's radio on the table, and notices scorch marks with the shape of an electric cord that run from the electric outlet to the bathtub, while Randy examines his fortunes]
Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened! [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously (Monk about how Kathy Willowby killed her husband Martin and made it look like an accident, and Randy about his girlfriend's relationship), with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation. Randy is shown in a bar when Hayley "accidentally" spills her drink on his lap]
Lt. Randall Disher: We met by accident! I can see it now. God I'm such an idiot! [switches to Kathy electrocuting Martin in the bathtub]
Adrian Monk: ...She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She needed it to look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance, but... [switches to Randy's fortunes being prepared separately in the kitchen]
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them. All of those fortunes were printed in advance just for me! [switches to Kathy pouring ice over Martin's body]
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came!
Natalie Teeger: That's why she bought all those bags of ice.
[flashbacks end]
Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one. [A bullet shatters one of the vases behind them]
Lt. Randall Disher: All they had to do was send me a fake IRS check!
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] She froze the body so that the coroner would never be able to determine the right time of death! [A flashback showing a Chinese driver in the garbage truck that nearly ran Randy down is played]
Lt. Randall Disher: The first fortune predicted that I would be save by a dirty death, which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant. [switches to Kathy putting Martin's body in the boat and creating fake scorch marks]
Adrian Monk: Last night during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lt. Randall Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She probably broke up with me.
[Outside, Agent Grooms crawls behind one of the canoes and pops up, taking the hit man in front of him by surprise]
Agent Grooms: FBI! Freeze! [He shoots and kills the first thug. The other thug comes over, preparing to shoot Grooms (who is checking the first goon), but Stottlemeyer is ready to take out the second goon]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Grooms! [He shoots and kills the second goon] A little vacation, huh? [Grooms scorches daggers at Stottlemeyer. Inside the cabin, a shaken Kathy stands up]
Kathy Willowby: Is it over?
Deputy Paul Coby: Not for you. I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body; they'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?
Natalie Teeger: She electrocuted her husband!
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
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Adrian Monk: It's probably people.
Captain Stottlemeyer: (pause) Yeah, Monk, it's probably people.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] - Season 3
%
[Julie has to go to the bathroom.]
Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Julie: Really?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
[about five miles later]
Julie: Here.
Monk: What's this?
Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] - Season 3
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[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]
Monk: They spelled "Corn" wrong!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] - Season 3
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Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] - Season 3
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Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] - Season 3
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Monk: [to a Korn member] I like your socks.
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer has been rudely awaken by knocking at the door. Waking up from a hangover, he accidentally shatters a plate]
Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Disher: You threw them out the window.
Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] - Season 3
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[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors, on the excuse of "because I'm cute".]
Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] - Season 3
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[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie: What're you doing?
Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie: W- Then you be the victim!
Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie: I'm sure she was.
...
Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.
Natalie: That's an old saying?
Monk: I've been saying it for years.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] - Season 3
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Daniel Thorn: Virtue is not one of my virtues.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] - Season 3
%
Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Monk: Smarter!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] - Season 3
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[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant... [pins "Vote Teeger" button to Randy's lapel] ...thank you for volunteering!
Natalie Teeger: He's my bodyguard?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie Teeger: I'm still not dropping out.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15] - Season 3
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[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
Lt. Randall Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15] - Season 3
%
[while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]
Harold Krenshaw: Now you have to eat a sugar one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't want a sugar one.
Adrian Monk: Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.
Harold Krenshaw: Or two coconuts and two glazed.
Adrian Monk: Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.
Harold Krenshaw: That's a good idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or, I can do this. [takes the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Monk and Natalie have brought Tommy along as they stake out the Carlyles]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Tommy Graser: Me separating food!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher fill Monk and Natalie in on the finger]
Natalie Teeger: We just got your call. You found a body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-
Lt. Randall Disher: No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.
Natalie Teeger: A finger?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah about four hours ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just said that, Randy!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]
Forensic Technician: Are you ready?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Forensic Technician: It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
[Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
Adrian Monk: There's a callus.
Forensic Technician: That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
Adrian Monk: No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who plays the violin.
Lt. Randall Disher: Should I put a list together?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
Forensic Technician: It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
Adrian Monk: Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professional.
Adrian Monk: So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] - Season 3
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[Entering his store, Harold receives a call on his cell phone]
Harold Gumbal: [answering] Yes?
Eddie Dial: [on the phone] How's it going, Harold?
Harold Gumbal: I'm in, I'm doing it.
Eddie Dial: Friendly reminder: don't be a hero. When we hear a police siren, Peggy's dead.
Harold Gumbal: Is she okay? Can I talk to her?
Eddie Dial: Just hurry up!
Harold Gumbal: No let me just talk to her! [Dial hangs up] Hello? [As Dial and his partner Vic Blanchard wait patiently in their Ford Taurus parked out front, Harold unlocks his safe and fills two bags with his most valuable inventory, including emptyig a safe. When he's done, he leaves the store and carries the jewels out to the car]
Vic Blanchard: Backseat. [Harold hands the jewels to Blanchard, sitting in the backseat with the dog]
Harold Gumbal: Let her go! You said you would! [Blanchard hands the dog through the window to Harold]
Vic Blanchard: Pleasure doing business with you. Thanks for the car, Harold.
Harold Gumbal: [to Peggy] Come here, Peggy. [The mall security guard notices them]
Security Guard: Harold! Everything all right?
Harold Gumbal: Paul? Everything's okay, I'm all right, no problem! [The guard notices that Blanchard and Dial are wearing ski masks]
Security Guard: Get out of the car! Both of you! [draws his gun] Do it! [Dial takes his hands off the steering wheel. After a few moments, Blanchard opens his door]
Vic Blanchard: Okay! [takes off his mask] Happy Halloween, man. Just relax. [draws his revolver and shoots the guard dead with three shots at long range]
Eddie Dial: What did you do?!
Vic Blanchard: No choice! They want me.
Eddie Dial: We could've just driven off! Get in the car! [Blanchard gets back into the car and closes the door]
Harold Gumbal: [cowering and shielding Peggy] I didn't see any car! I didn't see your face! Neither did Peggy!
Vic Blanchard: I'm not done. [draws his gun again, pointing it straight at Harold]
Harold Gumbal: No! [Blanchard shoots Harold in the chest, and he falls to the ground. Peggy runs off]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] - Season 4
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[Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: [looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] - Season 4
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Marty Eels at his office]
Marty Eels: Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.
Marty Eels: [to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?
Natalie Teeger: Yes.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] - Season 4
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[Stottlemeyer is unsure that Marty Eels has become a great detective overnight, so he and the others question Marty at his office]
Marty Eels: So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Marty Eels: Sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
Marty Eels: You mean when the robbery was happening? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: [pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lt. Randall Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa! She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No, no. That's him. That's my client.
Natalie Teeger: [incredulously] You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm this good?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] - Season 4
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[Monk believes that Marty has to be cheating]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] - Season 4
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[Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
Marty Eels: He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
Adrian Monk: No. He's not, Captain.
Marty Eels: Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Casio?
Marty Eels: Lefty? [thinks] Dial?
Lt. Randy Disher: Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's check him out.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] - Season 4
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Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Adrian Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02] - Season 4
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02] - Season 4
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[At Ambrose's house]
Natalie Teeger: [looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie Teeger: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02] - Season 4
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[Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie Teeger: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Adrian Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie Teeger: You have massive internal bleeding?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

  --  Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03] - Season 4
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[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

  --  Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03] - Season 4
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[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.

  --  Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03] - Season 4
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[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04] - Season 4
%
[Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04] - Season 4
%
[Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
Sylvia Willis: We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylvia Willis: It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
Adrian Monk: I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
Sylvia Willis: Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] - Season 4
%
Adrian Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] - Season 4
%
[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] - Season 4
%
[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
Wine Expert: Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Adrian Monk: Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think so.
Adrian Monk: Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] - Season 4
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[Monk is horrified, having found out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
Adrian Monk: I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] - Season 4
%
[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

  --  Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06] - Season 4
%
Adrian Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

  --  Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06] - Season 4
%
Lt. Randall Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
Lt. Randall Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a family heirloom.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out]

  --  Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06] - Season 4
%
[Natalie pins Theresa Scott, her brother's murderous new wife, to the floor]
Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
Adrian Monk: She was... wow.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane (which Monk calls a "spittle shield")]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [After a few moments, Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames, which continue until Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher]
Adrian Monk: Hey, happy birthday.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I might reconsider that investment.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
Lt. Randall Disher: Who's Jonathan Davenport?
Natalie Teeger: He's my brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
Natalie Teeger: Uh, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
Adrian Monk: [in disbelief] What?
[Disher produces a tube of Davenport Toothpaste]
Lt. Randall Disher: This is you?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lieutenant Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lieutenant Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Lieutenant Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[Someone has nearly tried to kill Randy by running him down]
Natalie Teeger: How is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.
Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?
Adrian Monk: [produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll get this down to the lab right away.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's not your case.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: By hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Natalie see Stottlemeyer posing as a photographer]
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because Randy says he thinks he can identify the driver.
Adrian Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I'd develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
Natalie Teeger: You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile. [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] - Season 4
%
Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Adrian Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry Judd: You remember?
Adrian Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

  --  Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] - Season 4
%
Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]

  --  Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] - Season 4
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Natalie Teeger: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

  --  Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] - Season 4
%
Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

  --  Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Adrian Monk: It's awful.

  --  Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] - Season 4
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Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
[Terry is putting up a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" banner, which is slightly askew]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.
Detective Terry Chasen: It's good enough.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Detective Terry Chasen: Ah, hell. Okay.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party, Alice?
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually last?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
Detective Terry Chasen: That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh yes, you do!
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Oh, and this came for you. Someone dropped this off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." [turns to Alice] You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
[Disher is tuning up Stottlemeyer's guitar]
Lt. Randall Disher: I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, my name's Randy... Disher, and then... Project.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
Captain Stottlemeyer: [after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?
Adrian Monk: eBay? No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
[the SFPD has come to arrest Frank Prager, who is hiding in a church]
Sister Heather: Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?
Sister Heather: Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, I do.
Sister Heather: You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're godda- Yes, I do.
Sister Heather: I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brad's not his name.
Sister Heather: You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Sister Heather: Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want justice.
Sister Heather: Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Revenge.
Sister Heather: My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Your father?
Sister Heather: He's your father, too.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
[Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a gun and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his S&W; gun, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
Adrian Monk: And they just left the bullet holes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Stottlemeyer have viewed the scene where Frank Prager fired at Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: Maybe he's home for Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.
Adrian Monk: Why would she say that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] - Season 4
%
Natalie Teeger: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect!
Natalie Teeger: Damn!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Hodge's fashion house to talk to him. Hodge advances on Natalie]
Julian Hodge: If you're gonna rob me, you should bring a gun.
Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
Julian Hodge: The blouse. It's a knock-off of one of my designs.
Natalie Teeger: Oh. It is? I didn't know.
Julian Hodge: Of course. That's not the real crime. The real crime is how you look in it.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie Teeger: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie Teeger: This is how I dress.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
Adrian Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Adrian Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
Adrian Monk: [during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie Teeger: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Is there any new evidence?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Monk met the killer's mother.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's a shirt inspector.
Natalie Teeger: She swears he's innocent.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.
Lt. Randall Disher: Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
Natalie Teeger: What, you have an accountant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
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[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it look, Gordo?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Were those prescription?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Probably not.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]
Natalie Teeger: Am I in your way?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: [to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
Adrian Monk: You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Well yeah, they're hers.
Adrian Monk: But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what do you think it means?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that your boss scared somebody.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Natalie are observing Julie before the rehearsal for Hodge's show]
Natalie Teeger: She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]
Adrian Monk: [puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] - Season 4
%
[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!

  --  Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11] - Season 4
%
Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

  --  Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11] - Season 4
%
[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
Natalie Teeger: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] - Season 4
%
Gerald Vengal: I'll never forget that face if I live to be 40.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] - Season 4
%
[Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
Karen Stottlemeyer: Did something happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] - Season 4
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[Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
Adrian Monk: Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] - Season 4
%
[Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
Natalie Teeger: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] - Season 4
%
[Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] - Season 4
%
[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] - Season 4
%
[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] - Season 4
%
[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] - Season 4
%
Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] - Season 4
%
Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14] - Season 4
%
Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14] - Season 4
%
I'm tired of suckin' up.
I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
Chorus
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.
Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
Chorus

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.
I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
This guitar here's my badge.
Rock 'n' roll set me free.
This guitar here's my badge.
You better not try to take it from me.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[first lines; an armored car is making its way down the street]
Armored Car Driver #1: We're ahead of schedule.
Armored Car Driver #2: That's a first time.
Armored Car Driver #1: Wanna grab some coffee?
Armored Car Driver #2: Nah, I've gotta get home. We're meeting the wedding planner.
Armored Car Driver #1: I thought that was last night.
Armored Car Driver #2: No, last night was the caterer.
Armored Car Driver #1: Should've taken my advice, man: should've just eloped. [They come up behind a semi truck at a red light in a deserted part of the city]
Armored Car Driver #2: Yeah well it's too late now.
Armored Car Driver #1: No it's not. You can do it: hop on a plane tonight, go to Vegas, it's over.
Armored Car Driver #2: Rachel's mom would never speak to me again.
Armored Car Driver #1: That's the best argument to do it. I've been trying to get my mother-in-law to shut up for five years.
[The back doors of the semi are opened and men come out, pointing hunting rifles at the drivers]
Armored Car Driver #1: Whoa, what's this?
Armored Car Driver #2: What the hell are they doing?
[An orange garbage truck comes up and crashes into the rear of the armored car and shoves it into the back of the semi truck]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
Terri: He worries about me.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 3 molar.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[Randy is placed into anasthesia]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Terri, I'm gonna need that angle director probe.
Terri: Angle director probe. [she hands it to Dr. Bloom] Doctor, I think he's coming awake again. [They put the mask back on Randy's mouth to knock him out again. Randy's vision fades to the next moment where he gains consciousness]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Come on, come on. [An intruder bursts into the office and Dr. Bloom and Terri look up]
Denny Jardeen: Hey!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: What are you doing here?
Denny Jardeen: What did you do with Barry Bonds? I know he's here somewhere. I know he's here.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I don't know what you're talking about.
Denny Jardeen: Barry Bonds!
Lt. Randall Disher: Barry Bonds...
Terri: We don't know any 'Barry Bonds'!
Denny Jardeen: He's worth $13 million! What did you do to him?!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: We have a patient here. [With the intruder getting agitated, Dr. Bloom and Terri attack the intruder. We see a struggle ensue]
Lt. Randall Disher: [fading back into unconsciousness] Hey, cut it out! [Terri grabs an object and brings it down several times on the intruder] I'm a police officer. [His vision fades] I'm a police officer.... [cuts to Terri and Dr. Bloom standing over Randy]
Terri: Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome back.
Lt. Randall Disher: [opens his eyes] Are you okay?
Terri: Am I okay? Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?
Lt. Randall Disher: There was a man in here.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: She has men in here all the time.
Lt. Randall Disher: You were fighting.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh there was a fight all right, between me and this molar here! It didn't wanna come out! [jiggles a little container with Randy's tooth] Now there's going to be some sensitivity for a couple days, so I wrote you a prescription that should help with the pain. You need to take one every four hours.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[Randy tells Stottlemeyer about the murder he "witnessed"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You saw it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sort of. I was sedated.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia, I thought my mustache was a chipmunk!
Detective Patterson: I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't want to wake up.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[Determined not to go back to a dentist's office ever again, Monk is flossing in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's he doing?
Natalie Teeger: Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, cut it out. I mean it; this is a floss-free zone.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since right now!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[Randy has quit the force]
Natalie Teeger: You miss him. I can tell.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
Natalie Teeger: That is not true!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] - Season 4
%
[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: Why don't you check her identification?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16] - Season 4
%
[Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the bureau's.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what part?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."
[Stottlemeyer groans in frustration]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16] - Season 4
%
[Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]
Special Agent Lapides: Is this a bad time?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [to Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? [Lapides produces an envelope]
Special Agent Lapides: Actually I'm not alone. I'm with the attorney general. Wanna read it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.
Special Agent Lapides: Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but we caught him here!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.
Special Agent Lapides: Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to himself] Sons-of-bitches.
Special Agent Lapides: There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's gonna work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [to Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up."

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16] - Season 4
%
[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]
Jack Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01] - Season 5
%
Dr. Kroger: And they canceled the movie [about you]?
Monk: He said he wanted to play a character who wasn't so dark and depressing. [pause] He's in England playing Hamlet.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01] - Season 5
%
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are watching the actors playing them in a movie adaptation of "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut"]
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: [talking on prop cellphone] Uh look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go. [pauses] That's right. Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute? [A female Disher enters the room; the real Randy is embarrassed]
Actress Playing Disher: [enters] Yes, Captain.
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
Actress Playing Disher: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
[gets closer to the Stottlemeyer actor]
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
Actress Playing Disher: I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.
[They start kissing; the real Stottlemeyer and Disher are mortified]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not even once.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01] - Season 5
%
Adrian Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
[Monk speaks with the Mayor]
Adrian Monk: Yes sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Uhh....
Adrian Monk: Then just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco ...from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]
Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
Monk: It's no secret that rock stars collect antiques, especially antique chairs.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
Monk: I got it all figured out. When this truck's full I'll drive it into the bay. Then come back, get another truck, and keep driving them into the bay. One bag at a time, one truck at a time. One bag at a time, one truck at a time.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
Adrian Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
Adrian Monk: Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?
Drugstore Manager: How many do you need?
Adrian Monk: Oh, about...a trillion.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
[Monk is trying to have a session with Dr. Kroger, but garbage bags are being thrown into the courtyard]
Adrian Monk: It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We live 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed. Smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash. Piling up outside, higher and higher...until we couldn't leave the house. [chokes] We were buried alive. [A bag is tossed] And now it's coming true. [Dr. Kroger does not reply] Dr. Kroger? [after a pause]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
Adrian Monk: [laughs in disbelief] No.
Dr. Charles Kroger: See...I've been getting boxes of trash, sent to me in the mail.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't try to deny it. It's all sorted by color and food groups. It's your handwriting on the label. It's upsetting my wife, it's upsetting my children, and I want it to stop!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] - Season 5
%
[Monk is trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]
Adrian Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: Up you go!
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: I'm just the assistant!
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"
[with difficulty, Monk hoists Natalie to the top of the lockers]
Natalie Teeger: Well, higher! [Straining, he does so] Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what is it?
Natalie Teeger: There are footprints!
Adrian Monk: Footprints... down you go.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, down I go?
Adrian Monk: Down you go.
Natalie Teeger: Down we go.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] - Season 5
%
Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] - Season 5
%
Natalie Teeger: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie Teeger: Well, that's something.
Adrian Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie Teeger: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] - Season 5
%
[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie Teeger: Your mother would be so proud.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] - Season 5
%
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [starts walking out of the Captain's office, but then stops, and turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention! My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah! Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday! He's shooting some commercial. You want to meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday! Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [grins, and walks out of the office]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] - Season 5
%
[Monk and Natalie are in the girl's bathroom]
Natalie Teeger: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Girl's bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: What are you afraid of? [pokes Monk] Cooties?
Adrian Monk: Don't laugh. The jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] - Season 5
%
[first lines]
[Rusty delivers lunch to his crew]
Rusty: All right, gentlemen! Here they are. Get 'em while they're warm.
First Fireman: Hey Rusty, what's in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wise guys something: when I was on payroll, we respected our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a "Thank you, Rusty?" No, I get jokes! And they aren't even funny jokes! They're old and stale.
Captain Stockton: Come on, Rusty, we all love you! You know that! Look, I'm eating one! [takes a bite out of his sandwich. Monk walks into the garage carrying a container of smoke alarms]
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."
Captain Stockton: Aw, hell, he's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey Chucky, you missed a spot. [comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?
Captain Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right? [The station's call alarm goes off. Everyone stops what they are doing and immediately runs for the ladder equipment. Someone hands Stockton a slip of paper]
Captain Stockton: House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Captain Stockton: Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away. Don't you think that should take a priority right now? [Monk turns to Rusty]
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh... [turns back towards the fire captain, who is now climbing into the engine's cab]
Captain Stockton: Don't you? [Monk turns back towards Rusty. Behind him, the engine's brakes are released]
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
First Fireman: Let's go! [The engine starts to drive away]
Adrian Monk: OK, but I haven't got all day! [As he says that, the engine turns right, activates its siren, and drives off. Cuts to Rusty testing Monk's alarms by producing a puff of smoke from his cigarette]
Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Adrian Monk: Five.
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?
Adrian Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say, "You can't be too careful." I'm never saying that again.
[He hears a squeaking noise. He looks up and sees Eddie Murdoch walking into the firehouse garage]
Rusty: Excuse me! Hello? [Murdoch disappears around the engine's front cab. Rusty gets up and walks around the back of the truck, where Murdoch is standing by the coat rack, about to grab a turnout coat] Hey! You're not allowed back here! [Murdoch grabs a shovel and swings it at Rusty's head, killing him instantly]
Adrian Monk: Rusty? [pause] Rusty! [He gets up, and immediately worried, he runs around the back of the truck. Murdoch swings at him with the shovel, but after a short struggle, Monk manages to grab the shovel. As he's about to swing, Murdoch grabs a bucket of solvent from the workbench and throws it in Monk's face. He drops the shovel, staggers back against the truck and slides down the side to the ground, covering his eyes]

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
%
[Monk is having his eyes checked after being attacked by Eddie Murdoch at the firehouse]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, how's it look, Doc?
Dr. Jackman: Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which means what, exactly?
Dr. Jackman: It's hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn't.
Natalie Teeger: [stroking Monk's shoulder] Shhh...it's okay, Mr. Monk. [to Dr. Jackman] He's afraid of the dark.
Dr. Jackman: Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk?
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's Randy! I'm speaking to you. I'm standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk's face and squats] Now I'm squatting. I'm about eye-level. I just want you to know that we're gonna find the man who did this to you. I'm gonna work on this case 24/7. I don't care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there's a reception the night before, so I'm probably gonna need... [turns to Stottlemeyer] I'm probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sternly] Randy...
Lt. Randall Disher: So from the 11th to the 13th...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! I didn't think this was possible, but you're making this situation worse.

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[At Monk's apartment, Natalie is helping Monk put photos of Trudy back onto the fireplace mantle]
Adrian Monk: Is it straight?
Natalie Teeger: It's perfect.
Adrian Monk: I'll never see her face again.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't say that!
Adrian Monk: Am I crying?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: Huh, it feels like I'm crying. It feels like I'm crying all the time. [walks over to the couch and sits down] Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.
Natalie Teeger: I am not going anywhere! Look at me! [stops and regains control] Your life is not over! You could still do anything! There've been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Natalie Teeger: Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know...
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You know...uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh........ [struggles to find the answer] Mr. Magoo.
Adrian Monk: Who's that?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Adrian Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie Teeger: I don't wanna talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Adrian Monk: Me neither. [There's a knock on the door. Stottlemeyer comes in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hello? Door's open.
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! How's he doing?
[Stottlemeyer waves his hand in front of Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Uh, oh, oh, gosh, he's doing great! He's just great! I'm so proud of him! [Her statement comes off as ironic, since she's giving a thumbs down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Good. Listen, Monk. I'm on my way over to the firehouse right now. I need you to come along.
Adrian Monk: What for? I gave the Lieutenant my statement.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, but I just thought that you might "see" something.
Adrian Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition, you're still the best detective I know.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you don't mean that. You're just trying to cheer me up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you. This is a homicide investigation; a fireman was killed.
Adrian Monk: Rusty?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a standup guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son-of-a-bitch that killed him, and you're gonna help me.
Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't! I can't-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you. [pause] Natalie, get him up.
[Natalie helps Monk to his feet]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, you heard the Captain!
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm coming, I'm coming! Listen, don't expect too much from me; I'm no Mr. Magoo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Magoo, the famous inventor!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Magoo?

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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Adrian Monk: [his answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about. [The beep goes off]

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Monk has just been momentarily separated from the group]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Stay with the group. [turns to Peter Breen] Have you ever been to Stefanie Preston's house?
Peter Breen: Why would I go to her house?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She was a very attractive woman.
Peter Breen: Yeah, and so is my wife.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is that your Ferrari out there? [He points towards Breen's convertible parked out front]
Peter Breen: That's one of them.
Lt. Randall Disher: You like it? I'm thinking about getting one myself. It's either between that or the Ford Festiva.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you Sunday afternoon?
Peter Breen: Ah, Sunday, I was here, onsite, meeting with the architect and construction manager. [Eddie Murdoch passes by]
Eddie Murdoch: Hey, boss, I got that work order. Oh, and I still have those keys.
Peter Breen: Uh, Eddie, we're a little busy right now. You know what? We'll take care of that later. Gentlemen?

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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Dr. Jackman: I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I'm cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it is.
Dr. Jackman: Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I'd like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Doctor. We'll be here.
Natalie Teeger: Isn't that great? She sounded so hopeful!
Adrian Monk: Hope. I hate hope's guts!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I'm so pathetic! I'm half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I'm...
Lt. Randall Disher: Five-sixteenths of a man.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]'s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that's a good day.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, Monk, he is definitely the guy. I just came back from his house, and we found the clothes he was wearing when he set the fire. They were in a laundry hamper covered with soot.

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Monk and Stottlemeyer are alone at the hospital]
Adrian Monk: Why did he do it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Adrian Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Adrian Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He said, "I still have those keys." [Flashback to Murdoch holding the keychain while speaking with Breen]
Adrian Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferarri, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What do their keychains look like?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a rearing horse. [Flashback of the keys resting next to the TV remote on Stefanie Preston's coffee table during the fire] The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen's keys!
Adrian Monk: You said Murdoch's body is on a slab?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downstairs. [He hands over Monk's cane and they head down to the morgue. They walk into the quiet and dim room] Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. [Stottlemeyer starts examining the tags on each body to locate Murdoch while Monk feels around with his cane]
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you see?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a long shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there's no doubt about that. It wasn't his idea though. His boss paid him to do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?
Adrian Monk: Exactly! He had keys to her house, and loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He went back [into the fire] for the keys. That's what he went back for.
Adrian Monk: Right, and if we find those keys...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...Mr. Breen's going to have a lot of explaining to do. [He lifts up the canvas over Eddie Murdoch's body and checks the tag on the feet] Got him. Hello, Edward! Don't get up! Uhh, they usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag. [searching through the bag, he finds the keys] Ha-hahaha! Exhibit A - D.A.'s gonna love this! [Monk also feels the keys and the rearing horse keychain. Peter Breen sneaks up behind Stottlemeyer and knocks him out with a hammer, then handcuffs him to the stretcher. He then stands up to face Monk]

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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Peter Breen: Mr. Monk, I'm gonna need that key ring!
Adrian Monk: Help! Somebody! [He throws his cane at Breen, who tosses it aside, snickering]
Peter Breen: The keys please. [Monk throws the keys, which land behind Breen] Oh I don't have time for this! [He walks over that way to grab a shiv while Monk feels for Stottlemeyer's Smith & Wesson 5913] Actually, it's pretty convenient that you're already here! That way, they won't have to move the bodies. [Monk grabs the gun and points it at Breen. His eyesight is just starting to come back]
Adrian Monk: Don't move. [To distract Monk, Breen first shoves one of the stretchers into the wall, causing Monk to fire an errant shot. Then he taps on the other wall with a cane, but by squinting heavily, Monk is able to spot his opponent, and quickly shoots Breen in the chest]

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are sitting in Stottlemeyer's office at the police station, blindfolded.]
School for the Blind Teacher: This is what we call an empathy exercise. We use it to teach families and friends about what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel right now?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless and out of control.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, me too. I feel disoriented.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Even more than usual?
School for the Blind Teacher: This is how your friend Adrian is feeling 24/7. He has to relearn everything, even things he's done a thousand times. For example, you spend a lot of time here at the station. You both probably know it very well.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
School for the Blind Teacher: I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake. [Stottlemeyer and Disher, blindfolded, head back into the squad room. Randy immediately walks straight into a detective's desk.]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [He stumbles along. As he passes a startled detective, he asks] Where's the cooler? [He eventually bumps into another officer's desk] Sorry!
[Stottlemeyer, meanwhile, takes a more normal approach, feeling for the walls with the palms of his hands. He explains to the startled detective]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're doing an empathy exercise. [He feels his way along the wall, and then accidentally bumps into Randy, who lifts off his blindfold]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, how does he know I'm cheating unless he's cheating? [Randy spots the water cooler, and walks over]
Lt. Randall Disher: I won!
School for the Blind Teacher: Lieutenant, this isn't a competition.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know, but if it had, I would've been the winner.
[He pushes down on the nozzle, which the cup isn't lined up under; Stottlemeyer realigns the cup accordingly and takes off his blindfold]
School for the Blind Teacher: There's a trick you can teach your friend. If you stick your finger over the edge of the cup, it won't overflow. [Stottlemeyer quickly stops Randy from spilling any more water]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Stein, you've never met Adrian Monk. He's not going to be sticking any fingers in any cups - he'd sooner die of thirst. The thing is, this guy's very fragile to begin with. I-I just don't see how he's gonna function at all.
School for the Blind Teacher: Then it's up to you to make him function. Get him back to work. That's the best medicine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Back to work?
[Randy accidentally knocks the cooler over]

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Monk makes his way around the firehouse, as cops and firemen watch and wait]
Adrian Monk: Now, the table is here. [He's actually pointing at the foldout lawn chairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table.... is here. [He points Monk's hand at the table]
Adrian Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there. [Stottlemeyer redirects his hand]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pole's there.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie Teeger: You can do this, you can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Just try to picture the room. You can do this, you have an amazing memory!
Adrian Monk: Oh right. I forgot about my amazing memory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can't figure is what the guy was doing here. What was he looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Is anything missing?
Captain Stockton: I don't think so. There's nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It just doesn't make any sense.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's do this. [Stottlemeyer and Natalie get Monk down into the chair he was sitting in] You and Rusty were sitting here. You were checking the smoke detectors.
Adrian Monk: Right, and then this man, entered from over there. [He points his finger and moves it, following Murdoch's footsteps] He walked around the truck slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed. [Randy steps forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Lt. Randy Disher here. I'm speaking to you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to tell the man that you're speaking to him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notebook] OK, you know who this is, and that I'm speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were squeaking?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And that he was tall, heavyset, about 6'1", with sandy hair, and wearing a leather jacket?
Adrian Monk: That's right. And then Rusty walked over to him, around the back of the truck. Then I heard this big noise, and I walked around the back of the truck. [He walks over there, and feels for the truck, which is a few feet in front of his hands] The truck? Where-Where is the truck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The truck's been moved, Monk. You're good. You're doing good.
Adrian Monk: And I saw Rusty on the floor, and the man was holding a shovel in his hands.
Lt. Randall Disher: You said you could smell him. He'd been drinking?
Adrian Monk: Rum! He smelled like rum!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got that, Randy! Is there anything else? Anything new? Anything you forgot to mention?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't think so. He grabbed the container and... threw the solvent in my face. That was the last thing I saw. [realizing] Oh my god. It was the last thing I saw! [He gets tangled up in the crime scene tape that has been stretched from the wall, around the ladder, to the truck's rear bumper. Natalie tries to get the tape off of him]
Adrian Monk: Is it off? Can I go home now?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, you can go now. [She starts to walk him out. In doing in so, Monk brushes his arm against the coat rack and stops]
Adrian Monk: Hold on. [He turns back to the coat rack]
Natalie Teeger: What? What is it?
Adrian Monk: There's a coat missing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A coat?
Adrian Monk: There were six coats there.
Captain Stockton: He's right. There's one missing.
First Detective: He came in to steal a coat and he's willing to kill for it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It doesn't make any sense to me either but if we find that coat, we find our guy. [He, Randy, and the first detective leave]
Natalie Teeger: See, you're amazing!
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey. High five. [Randy raises his hand as if to give a high five, but then retracts his hand] Okay. Good work.

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Monk is getting soot on his hands as he searches the remains of a burned out house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, do you want some gloves?
Adrian Monk: No, don't need them. Out of sight, out of mind. [He walks out of the bathroom] Oh, excuse me, blind man walking.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me.

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Natalie leads Monk to the station and they meet Randy in the hallway]
Natalie Teeger: What's so important, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.
Natalie Teeger: But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Adrian Monk: Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.
Natalie Teeger: So you found the guy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found 
Natalie Teeger: Did his shoes squeak?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.
Adrian Monk: [following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This must be it.
Adrian Monk: Describe it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh you know, Monk! It's the Tenderloin! We're right in the heart of wino land. We're standing in an alley, behind a bar, in front of a standard issue dumpster, probably about three cubic yards. It is filled with garbage - broken bottles, cardboard boxes...
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk? Randy Disher speaking. I'm opening my notebook. [starts to grab his notebook, but can't find it] Hold on, I can't find my...I can't find my notebook. [starts checking his pockets]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm checking my pockets. Patting my pockets. [He finds it in his pockets] Ah! Found the notebook! Opening notebook. [opens it to the right page] Yeah, according to Mr. Colbert, he was here at 5:00 PM last Sunday collecting bottles. He found the fireman's coat in the dumpster.
Adrian Monk: Five o'clock? That's just three hours after Rusty was killed.
Lt. Randall Disher: He also said he found a fireman's helmet, which he gave to a couple of kids.
Adrian Monk: He kills a man for a fireman's coat, and he throws it away a couple of hours later? That makes no sense.
[They hear squeaking from two rats scrounging around in the trash cans. Natalie looks at them and immediately turns away]
Natalie Teeger: Ugh! Oh!
Adrian Monk: Oh, God, I'm glad I didn't see that! Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. [Monk chuckles]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I'm glad I didn't see that.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: This is an alley, right? It must be pretty filthy.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's disgusting.
Adrian Monk: I'd probably hate this place.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, you wouldn't last five minute here. There's cockroaches...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's a dead cat right over there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it doesn't bother me! Nothing bothers me! It's great! I can't see anything! I don't see any of it! [Stottlemeyer puts a lid on the rats in the garbage can] This could really work for me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this neighborhood. I was stuck here for three hours [on] Sunday. The house that burned down was just around the corner.
Adrian Monk: Hold on, hold on, the fire on Sunday was right here in this very neighborhood?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the woman who [lived there] was killed. She fell asleep smoking a cigarette in front of the TV.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. No, no, there has to be a connection between that fire, and what happened to Rusty. Okay, let's go. Come on, people. Come on. We got a case to solve. [He starts back towards the car]
Natalie Teeger: Dead cat on your left! [She moves him out of the way in time]

  --  Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] - Season 5
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[Natalie's desk phone rings]
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm been kept in a room against my will.
Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped. Uh, do you know who did it?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie... Teeger. [As he says that, the camera pans around Natalie to reveal that Monk is talking on his desk phone]

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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Natalie Teeger: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!
Adrian Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick. [Linda Fusco enters the room, unseen]
Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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Lt. Randall Disher: The sign said that you were the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: [sarcastically] Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drolly] The elephant's the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: [perplexed] Pardon me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said "tell you something you don't know," and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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Natalie Teeger: You can't swim?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie Teeger: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]
Natalie Teeger: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie Teeger: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello, tsunamis?

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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[Before jumping off a boat to escape Jay Bennett, Monk quickly consults his card.]
Monk: "Don't panic"-forget that-"Breathe normally, flutter kicks..." [jumps]

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
Lt. Randall Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Stottlemeyer, Disher, and Natalie: Uh...

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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[After Natalie hands out Monk's business card]
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie Teeger: How'd you get so cheap? Really?!?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least I used to. Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me!

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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Adrian Monk: [about his new office] Natalie, you can't afford this.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this!
Natalie Teeger: Oh yes you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grown ups have a word for that. It's called "embezzlement."

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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[Monk was rescued and is compleatly wrapped in a towel]
Monk: [mumbles incoherantly into Disher's ear]
Natalie: What did he say?
Disher: He said "Jump and a net will appear my ass."

  --  Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer arrives at a crime scene]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Morning. What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, what you see is pretty much it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do I see?
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like an accident. Her name's Katherine Rutherford. 62. Lives here on the third floor. Patrol officers called us in just to make sure. [Stottlemeyer points to the necklace beads on the midway landing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are those?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, beads. She was wearing a necklace, which broke. She slips on the beads, breaks her neck. [Skeptical, Stottlemeyer looks down the stairwell]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A lot of gravity in these stairwells.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just used the elevator. Why didn't she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Um... [starts checking his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was it broken? [Randy doesn't find anything] If you don't know, just say so.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, are there any beads down there?
Police Officer: No, sir. [Stottlemeyer walks down to the midway landing and gestures with his hands]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn't any of them roll away?
Lt. Randall Disher: [starts checking his notepad] Beads, beads, beads, beads...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know. Randy, something's wrong here. [He picks up an intact portion of necklace and walks down to the body] This is wrong. [to the officers] Lift up her head. [Stottlemeyer puts the intact portion of the necklace around Katherine's neck, but it doesn't fit] It doesn't fit; it's too small. Okay, we're changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander; this is now a homicide investigation.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
[The officer picks up a lapel pin with the number 25 under the body]
Police Officer: Captain. I just found this under the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is that, a lapel pin?
Lt. Randall Disher: Wait, I've seen that before. That pin; someone was wearing it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Lt. Randall Disher: [thinks for a while] I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know.
[cuts to Monk fussing with an identical pin on his jacket]
Adrian Monk: Is it straight? I can't get it straight.
Natalie Teeger: Why don't you just stand at a slight angle? [they start walking] Mr. Monk, maybe I should stay.
Adrian Monk: No, I...
Natalie Teeger: No-no, my parents can pick up Julie.
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Natalie Teeger: Well it's just that the last time you saw these people, you were with Trudy, and... I remember after Mitch died, how difficult it was, going to parties, seeing our friends. That's when I missed him the most.
Adrian Monk: I'm way ahead of you. I did all my crying last night; I'm good to go.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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Adrian Monk: Do you still have my invitation?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I do. [She pulls Monk's registration form out of her purse] "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk"? Who's Captain Cool?
Adrian Monk: [strikes a Macho pose] Me. That was my nickname.
Natalie Teeger: 
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know!
Adrian Monk: Look, I didn't write the invitation! Did I?
Natalie Teeger: Okay! Okay! Well, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at 7:00. Okay? [strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain. [She walks away]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Randy is at his desk, and noticing something, he rushes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When?
Lt. Randall Disher: Just now at my desk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, 20 years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.
Lt. Randall Disher: The killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie are in the college cafeteria]
Natalie Teeger: Well this looks delicious! So this is where you ate? I mean was this your "hangout"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.
Natalie Teeger: No! I'm not gonna let you go! You've been looking so forward to this!
Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me! The truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're "the girl with me". [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Indeed, the spit-shields have Monk's name on them]
Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie Teeger: So you donated all of these? That was so generous of you!
Adrian Monk: Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time. [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian! There you are. We've been looking for you. [She looks at Natalie suspiciously]
Natalie Teeger: Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger.
Dianne Brooks: [shakes hands with Natalie] Hi. Dianne Brooks.
Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.
Dianne Brooks: Ahh... Oh, so you two aren't [dating]? [she points between Monk and Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: No. [blushes]
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No-no-no-no.
Dianne Brooks: Ok. Where are you sitting?
Adrian Monk: Uh, we're not...
Dianne Brooks: Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [They start walking in that general direction]
Natalie Teeger: See, you have a friend!
Adrian Monk: Not really. She was Trudy's roommate, freshman year.
Natalie Teeger: But she saved us a seat!
Adrian Monk: Out of pity. These are what we call "pity seats".

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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Natalie Teeger: So, Kyle, you didn't go to Berkeley?
Kyle Brooks: Me? Hell, no. Community college. C.C. all the way. Never had much of that book learning.
Dianne Brooks: Kyle works for my father now. He's one of our top salespeople.
Kyle Brooks: Yeah. It's like Monopoly money. Daddy pays me, and I give it all to her.
Dianne Brooks: Kyle, not now. You promised.
Kyle Brooks: So, Adrian, what do you do?
Adrian Monk: I'm a private detective. I do some consulting.
Kyle Brooks: [gulps] Really? Sorry. You don't look like a detective. [Dianne passes a photo over to Natalie]
Dianne Brooks: We don't have any children, so we just show pictures of our house instead.
Natalie Teeger: Oh! Well it's beautiful!
Dianne Brooks: We designed it ourselves, and that's Tangerine. [Monk looks at a wallet photo of Dianne and Kyle, and their black mastiff, Tangerine]
Adrian Monk: Wait. Didn't you used to have a dog named Tangerine?
Dianne Brooks: What a memory! That's amazing! Trudy was always bragging about his amazing memory! That's right. I had a poodle, junior and senior year, Tangerine.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Dianne Brooks: And then Kyle brought home this big ball of love a couple of weeks ago.
Kyle Brooks: Yeah. He was already named. That's what they were calling him at the shelter. "Tangerine".
Dianne Brooks: Isn't that funny? I mean, what are the odds of that?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk is suspicious of Kyle Brooks]
Adrian Monk: One in a million! Maybe one in a trillion!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
Adrian Monk: How could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, happened to be named Tangerine? "Tangerine"? And this Tangerine is black!
Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [snaps her fingers] You said you were gonna show me your dorm room!
Adrian Monk: Well, it's right here. This is it, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! [there is a tie wrapped around the doorknob] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think I might know about that.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet!" [Natalie stares at him incredulously]
Natalie Teeger: Your closet?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet 4-5 times a week.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, all the time, they were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. "Neat freaks!" [spots something in the student lounge] Oh my God. Oh...my...God! [Natalie moves aside] I...can't...believe it! [They walk in] He's still here. Hello, old friend. [Monk walks over to the refrigerator] Remember me? Oh, I knew we'd meet again. It is our destiny. [puts his hand on the freezer door] Natalie, put your hand right there.
[Natalie puts her right hand on the freezer door]
Adrian Monk: You feel that?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: He's afraid. Step back. Step back. [pulls his hand into his sleeve] I'm going in. [Monk opens the freezer door, and they find the freezer totally frosted over. Natalie is visibly disgusted]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk notices that a big wall of snow has built up inside the fridge in the student lounge]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a spatula, a pan.... and a Bible.
[Cuts to Monk defrosting the fridge. Midway through, Stottlemeyer walks in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
[Monk and Natalie stare at each other; two students come through]
First Student: Captain Cool lives!
Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
First Student: The Iceman cometh back! [They head down the hall laughing to themselves]
Adrian Monk: Might be me. [Stottlemeyer gives him a look; Monk turns and continues to defrost]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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Adrian Monk: Katherine Rutherford?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell? She was a nurse here at the school clinic. [points to Monk's pin] Found one of these near her body.
Adrian Monk: A reunion pin?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Did you notice anyone missing a pin?
Adrian Monk: I haven't noticed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess not. [Randy comes up to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Monk. How's memory lane?
Adrian Monk: Ah, it's pretty awful. Thanks for asking.
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I was at the security office going through some old files. I think we have a name: Henry Kalimarakis.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, oh, he was on the swim team.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's correct. He was trying out for the Olympics. 25 years ago, Nurse Rutherford administered a drug test. Henry came back positive for steroids. She turned him in. He threatened her; said she ruined his life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's what the kids call a motive.
Natalie Teeger: Then he waited twenty-five years to do something about it? Who could hold a grudge for that long?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I could. And have. Let's check him out. Wanna come with?
Adrian Monk: Maybe later. I wanna show Natalie the library.
Lt. Randall Disher: I was just there; there's nothing special.
Natalie Teeger: It's where he met Trudy.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk has explained how he met Trudy]
Adrian Monk: And that's how I got her number.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, wait, wait. You mean when he wrote it on your back, you could feel it? You could do that?
Adrian Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
Natalie Teeger: That's like a superpower! Like a very weird, not very useful superpower!
Adrian Monk: It took me three weeks to call her. It was the bravest thing I ever did. She was already dating that other guy Drew.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, but she chose you! Never forget that! She chose you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don't know why. And he was just written up in TIME Magazine last year. He's a famous heart surgeon. He's rich. He's happy. What was she thinking?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, she knew exactly what she was doing!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk is looking at the cluttered information kiosk]
Adrian Monk: I can't believe this kiosk got all cluttered again.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, well, I guess you'll have to just come back for your 50th. Okay, come on. Come on. Come on.
[Dianne Brooks hurries up to them]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian! Oh my God, did you hear about Nurse Rutherford?
Adrian Monk: Uh, yes. We were just talking about it.
Dianne Brooks: Can you believe it? The police are here. They're talking to everybody. They said she was killed.
Natalie Teeger: Were you close with her?
Dianne Brooks: I haven't talked to her for years, but...well, still.
Adrian Monk: Horrible. It's horrible.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Kyle arrives with an older woman]
Kyle Brooks: Dianne. Hey, honey, are you okay? [gives Dianne a kiss on the forehead, and turns to the lady with him] The nurse who died, Rutherford, apparently Dianne used to know her. These things happen, right? I mean, it's a big city. [Monk turns to the other woman]
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Kyle Brooks: Oh I'm so sorry. Have you all met? This is Trudy.
Gertrude: Gertrude.
Kyle Brooks: But your nickname's Trudy, right?
Gertrude: I--I had an aunt that called me Trudy.
Kyle Brooks: So it's Trudy! Trudy and I met over at the fountain, and I've invited her to join us for lunch.
Natalie Teeger: Okay! All right! Where are we eating?
Kyle Brooks: How about Rocco's?
Dianne Brooks: Rocco's?
Kyle Brooks: Rocco's! Honey, you've been telling me about Rocco's for years! You said it was your favorite hangout.
Dianne Brooks: Honey, I'm not even sure it's still there!
Adrian Monk: No, no, no.
Kyle Brooks: It is. I checked.
Adrian Monk: Rocco's...you don't want...that place is terrible. They have this rotisserie thing in the window with this one sad, lonely hot dog, going around and around...
Kyle Brooks: It sounds great! Huh? Come on, I am not taking no for an answer! It'll be my treat. Come on. Let's go have lunch, huh?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie are roped into accompanying Kyle and Dianne Brooks to lunch]
Natalie Teeger: Who is this guy?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I can't believe I'm eating at Rocco's again. I used to have nightmares about that hot dog!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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Natalie Teeger: Oh look! There's a reception for all current and past chess club members. Weren't you in the chess club? That sounds like fun. [Monk gives her an odd look] You never know. It might be fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing? [Monk is picking at weeds underneath the bench Natalie is sitting on]
Adrian Monk: Weeds.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere! What are you gonna do? Clean up the whole campus?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer is at the university clinic]
Clinic Doctor: Here it is. Katherine Rutherford's employment file. [He hands it to Stottlemeyer, who starts flipping through it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So if there were any complaints or any grievances against her, they'd be in here, right?
Clinic Doctor: Yeah we'd have a copy of it, but I can't think of anyone who had anything bad to say about her. Katie was an angel; a great nurse. It's just heartbreaking. Say, did you go to school here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Me? No.
Clinic Doctor: Oh you look familiar. Maybe one of your kids.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I was here one time though for a No Nukes rally. It was a long time ago.
Clinic Doctor: Yeah, that must be it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Must be.
[Randy comes back to Stottlemeyer]
Lt Randall Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down [Henry] Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. [looks at his notes] Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He uh, got a waiver.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right. Number Two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And Number Three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s so there's no record of him returning to the United States...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy? Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you read Number Two again?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right... See I probably would've stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first.
Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.
Lt. Randall Disher: Anything in her file?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Not a single complaint.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher interview Dianne about Katherine Rutherford]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was a lovely wreath.
Lt. Randall Disher: She must have meant a lot to you.
Dianne Brooks: Katherine Rutherford saved my life. My senior year was really tough for me.
Adrian Monk: I remember. Your mother passed away.
Dianne Brooks: That's right. I was in a really bad place. So, I wrote a note, a suicide note, and...I don't even remember what it said, and I took 53 little white pills. Katherine was worried about me so she came by the apartment, she broke down the door, and she called 911. I wouldn't be here today. A wreath, you know, a few flowers, it's the least I could do.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Kyle has roped Monk, Natalie and Dianne into playing touch football with him]
Kyle Brooks: Okay. Everybody, let's huddle up. Come on, everybody in. All right. All right, Adrian, I want you to go out, and then cut over to the left.
Adrian Monk: [following Kyle's fingers on his palm] So that's one inch up, and three inches to the left?
Natalie Teeger: No, no, Mr. Monk, it's like a map. Like a scale map.
Adrian Monk: Okay. What's the scale?
Kyle Brooks: I don't know. Uh, one inch is 20 feet.
Adrian Monk: So, that's 60 feet. I'm going to be in the shrubs. You're sending me into the shrubs?
Kyle Brooks: Okay, you know what? Let's keep it simple. All right? Everybody just go out, try and get open, and if you get the ball, don't get touched!
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Give the ball to Mr. Monk. He hates being touched!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Dianne is quarterback for the second round; she throws to Kyle, but the ball misses and breaks through the window behind him]
Kyle Brooks: Sorry! That was my bad! It was the sun in my eyes!
Dianne Brooks: Oh my God! That is so weird! I can't believe that happened again!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Dianne Brooks: I broke a window in the science building, right over there, my senior year. I tried to force it open, and it just shattered. Guess the jinx continues, huh?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie are at the reunion dinner. Monk points at Kyle Brooks]
Adrian Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. I think he wanted her to break that glass.
Natalie Teeger: Well why, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: And the dog? What about the dog with the same name and how he insisted that everyone eat at Rocco's? What was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know! Maybe the guy's eccentric!
Adrian Monk: No, I'm eccentric. He's up to something.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer steps up to the stage]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa-whoa, excuse me! Excuse me! Could you kill the music please? Thank you. [the music stops. Stottlemeyer tests the microphone and receives feedback] Sorry to interrupt your dinner. Uh, this will just take a minute. My name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm with the San Francisco Police Department, and we're working on a homicide investigation and could use your help. As you may know, a woman was killed on Friday night. Her name was Katherine Rutherford; she worked as a nurse at the university clinic. [Kyle and Dianne Brooks sit down at Monk and Natalie's table] Now, we have reason to believe that someone in your class, possibly someone in this room, might be involved. We're looking for information - if anyone knows anyone who might have had a grudge against Mrs. Rutherford, or someone who might be missing a reunion lapel pin. The alumni... [the projector shows a photo of Stottlemeyer in riot gear, and everyone starts booing at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right! Hey-hey-hey-hey! Look! Settle down! Settle down, everybody. This- [takes a quick look at the photograph] This is completely out of context. You can't tell the whole story from ONE photograph! [The projector shows an image of Stottlemeyer using a nightstick on another protester. After a bit more booing from the audience, he finally speaks up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You didn't have a permit!
Male Student: Yes we did!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It expired at Noon! [the image on the projector changes to one of Stottlemeyer pointing at the Campanile clock tower, which clearly shows 12:06 PM]
Male Student: 12:06!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it expired at Noon.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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Lt. Randall Disher: You forgot to give them the toll-free number.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, I don't think we're going to get any hot leads from this group, Randy.
Natalie Teeger: [pulls a set of earrings from her purse] Oh, shoot! Dianne's earrings. I forgot to give them back! [Stottlemeyer notices them]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hang on a second. [He takes the earrings, and compares them to a sample of the necklace beads at the crime scene, and then hands them back to Natalie] Whaddaya think?
Natalie Teeger: Well it looks like they're from the same set. I mean they match perfectly.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whose earrings are these?
Adrian Monk: Dianne Brooks. She and her husband left about a half an hour ago. He said she was depressed. He's been saying that all week.
Lt. Randall Disher: Were they in town Friday night?
Natalie Teeger: Um, yeah. They got in the day before. [Monk stands up in realization]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Captain, I think Dianne is in danger. I think her husband is planning to kill her. Tonight.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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Lt. Randall Disher: Why did he kill the nurse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He had no choice! Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it!
Natalie Teeger: My God, Mr. Monk, he could be doing it right now! [Stottlemeyer and Disher reach the registration station]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The registration sheets are all gone!
Adrian Monk: Oh!
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, do you have a cell phone number?
Adrian Monk: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: Do you know where they stayed?
Adrian Monk: [sighs, exasperated] Some hotel!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are over 200 hotels in this city, Monk! It'll take us over five hours to check them all!
Adrian Monk: Hold on. Hold on! [rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's he doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: The hotel where they're staying. It was on their registration form.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah? So?
Adrian Monk: When Dianne signed in... [flashback to Dianne filling her registration sheet out on Monk's back] We were standing in line. She wrote...she wrote on my back. [Natalie smiles, realizing what Monk is doing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie Teeger: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!
Adrian Monk: Oh, there's her name. Home address.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.
Adrian Monk: She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? [makes what almost appear to be spasms as he tries to remember what Dianne wrote] She ordered the prime rib, medium rare.
Natalie Teeger: Keep going. It's just below that.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, there's an L, uh, L-E... Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No that's the car they drove, Monk!
Natalie Teeger: Keep going. [Monk finally reaches the section with the hotel name]
Adrian Monk: There's a "P", "P", No! "P", "P", "B"! "B"! "B"!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "B"?
Adrian Monk: It's a "B." It's a "B." It's a "B." "L."
Natalie Teeger and Captain Stottlemeyer: Bla...
Adrian Monk: "A."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Bla...The Blaza...
Lt. Randall Disher: The Blaza! Plaza!
Adrian Monk: B-L-A...The Bla...The Blab...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Blakemore Hotel!
Lt. Randall Disher: It's right up the street! [They take off]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] - Season 5
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[After taking a bullet for Dr. Kroger]
Harold Krenshaw: Monk... Monk... Come here, closer... Beat that!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07] - Season 5
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Monk: I'm Adrian Monk, here to see Dr. Sorenson.
Receptionist: Fill this out.
Monk: It says to list your phobias.
Receptionist: That's right.
Monk: There are only five spaces.
Receptionist: You can use the back.
Monk: I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet, and repeats this a few more times]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07] - Season 5
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Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I cannot continue to practice anymore after today. The police think that one of my patients killed Teresa Mueller. I should have seen it coming. I didn't; I missed it. This is all my fault.
Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.
Adrian Monk: Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...
Dr. Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial. [Monk comes back to Dr. Kroger]
Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.
Natalie Teeger: That's not denial.
Dr. Kroger: No, that's step two, that's anger.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.
Dr. Kroger: This is step three, the bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.
Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.
Natalie Teeger: Depression?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, step four.
Adrian Monk: This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.
Dr. Kroger: And finally, step five, acceptance.
Natalie Teeger: Thank God that's over. [Monk walks over to another police officer]
Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, what's going on?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop. [Monk peeps through the window blinds]
Adrian Monk: I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KROGER! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! You understand me? DEAD!
Dr. Kroger: I really should be heading home...

  --  Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07] - Season 5
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[first lines; roadie Stork Murray makes his way through the stage]
Stork Murray: Hey Billy. You seen Kris Kedder?
Billy: Check his trailer.
[Stork walks through the backstage area to a motorhome, and bangs several times on the door, but then sees Kedder approaching]
Kris Kedder: Hey man. What's going on? [Stork pulls a CD out of his pocket] Where'd you get that?
Stork Murray: Disk jockey I know. They sent him an advanced copy.
Kris Kedder: Do you like that cover? That was my idea.
Stork Murray: Stealing my credit, stealing my song, was that your idea too?
Kris Kedder: What, your name's not on there?
Stork Murray: No, don't give me that! "Peggy's Gone to Memphis, Words and Music by Kris Kedder!" You know, you told me if I kept my mouth shut, that I was a good boy, then you'd take care of me! I guess you figure I'm just some dumb roadie that you can rip off and nobody's gonna care.
Kris Kedder: Okay Stork, my man, let's just relax, huh. I was gonna talk to you about this. I'm gonna offer you five grand.
Stork Murray: [scoffs] Five grand, for a hit song?!
Kris Kedder: Look dude, you've got talent. You co-wrote a great song but you don't understand how the businss works.
Stork Murray: I didn't co-write anything! I wrote that song! Every note, every line! I let you take half-credit because you said it would jumpstart my career.
Kris Kedder: Come here. Keep your voice down.
Stork Murray: What's the matter? Don't want anybody to see us?
Kris Kedder: No, just come here. [He leads Stork to a spot behind the trailer]
Stork Murray: Hey, you know what? I don't blame you. Rock-and-roll legend hasn't written a half-decent song in ten years, but I've got some bad news for you, rockstar: I can prove I wrote that song - I made copies of the sheet music, sent it to myself, registered mail.
Kris Kedder: That's not legal.
Stork Murray: Wanna bet your career on that? [takes out his cell phone and starts to dial a number]
Kris Kedder: What are you doing?
Stork Murray: I'm calling a copyright lawyer! I'm taking my song back!
Kris Kedder: All right, you win, you get half-credit!
Stork Murray: Listen, Jackson. All right, my name is- [Kedder strikes Stork over the head with a beer bottle] Ow! [As the roadie groans and loses consciousness, Kedder quickly takes his inhaler]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station, where Stottlemeyer is busy doing filing]
Natalie Teeger: Captain.
Adrian Monk: Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I couldn't drive or had anything else to do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]
Natalie Teeger: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you gonna do about it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no-no! We've already submitted this twice! It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get, but, there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, where is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.
Adrian Monk: With that phlegmy flu thing? [Natalie waves her hands frantically]
Natalie Teeger: Okay-okay! If Randy is not here, who is in charge of payout?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: And who is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't have one. Is there anything else?
Adrian Monk: Nah, that about covers it.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer prepares to head up to a music festival to find Jared]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he's gone to a rock show.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I used to do that! Play hooky. Go to rock shows.
Natalie Teeger: You did?
Adrian Monk: All the time.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anyhow, I've gotta get up there and see if I can find him.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, you need some help?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind.
Adrian Monk: I'll come with you.
Natalie Teeger: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: Of course I'm sure!
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry! I just can't picture you at one of these!
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.
[They file out of the squad room. Cuts to Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer walking through the parking lot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! Gonna wring his little neck!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No!
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold on! What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie Teeger: It's the biggest festival of the year!
Adrian Monk: Festival?
Natalie Teeger: [blushes] Wait-wait-wait, Mr. Monk! You thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not really.
Adrian Monk: Okay, well, no harm done. So, I guess I'll need a ride home.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not going home without my kid.
Adrian Monk: All right, look, I, I, I can't... [A passerby bumps into Monk]
Passerby: Move it!
Adrian Monk: I can't do it! I, I can't go in there!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! The Captain needs you!
Adrian Monk: But there's-- 10,000 of them, and not even one of me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, look, I understand, Monk. Why don't you just go wait by the car?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'll go wait by the car.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, it's gonna be a while!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Take your time. But, but hurry back. But take your time. Hurry back. [trails off; leaving Natalie and Stottlemeyer confused]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Natalie and Stottlemeyer reach the entrance. Stottlemeyer shows his badge]
Head Security Guard: How can I help you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm looking for my son.
Head Security Guard: Okay. [starts writing information down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's fifteen...
Head Security Guard: [writes it down] "He's fifteen...."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wearing a gray t-shirt. About 5'6".
Head Security Guard: "...5'6". Fifteen...."
Natalie Teeger: Isn't he sixteen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, he's sixteen.
Head Security Guard: Okay, sixteen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brown hair.
Head Security Guard: "...Brown hair...."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wearing an earring.
Head Security Guard: "...Earring." Which ear?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhh....
Natalie Teeger: Left ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Left ear.
Head Security Guard: "...Left ear earring." Hey, listen, you got a picture? We can make copies and pass it out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Good idea. Yeah. [pulls a photo of Jared out of his wallet; we can tell that it's obviously a very old photo] Well, that's Jared. Jared Stottlemeyer.
Head Security Guard: He's sixteen? This kid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, no, that's an old picture.
Head Security Guard: You don't have anything more recent?
[Stottlemeyer searches his wallet, but finds nothing else]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess not.
Head Security Guard: All right, look, I'm gonna do what I can. Meanwhile, you guys take these. [hands Stottlemeyer and Natalie passes] You'll have full access, backstage, wherever you want. If you still can't find him, we'll make an announcement from the stage. All right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I appreciate it.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imagining he is having a conversation with a silent Natalie] What? You think I don't spend enough time with Jared. [pause] Why, because I haven't got a bunch of pictures of him? Doesn't mean anything. How many pictures of Julie do you walk around with? [pause] Oh, I get it: You think I'm avoiding the boys on purpose because I feel guilty about the separation, and the fact that I'm dating Linda. Is that it? [pause] Don't you ever shut up? All right, you go that way. Keep your cell phone on. Give me a call if you find him.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk is left out in the parking lot]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Excuse me! There's no dancing here! This is a parking area! This is for vehicles and people waiting for the Captain! I'm sorry, I don't make the rules! [A man at one of the tailgate parties nearby turns to Monk]
Man at Tailgate Party: That's right. You don't. [Monk turns and sees a couple making out on the hood of Stottlemeyer's car]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? Hey, this is the police captain's car! How old are you? There's no way you're twenty-five! Excuse me! Attention, may I have your attention please?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk starts navigating through the crowd, searching for the payphones]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Sorry! [Monk tries turning to a man punching his fist in the air] Payphone? This way? That way? This way? That way? Sorry, am I heading towards a payphone?! [A blue beach ball hits him on the head] Hey!
Girl: Over here! Over here! [Monk throws the ball to her]
Adrian Monk: Try to minimize the roughhousing! Can we?
[He finds the phones, but just then, he gets hit by the same beachball once again]
Adrian Monk: All right, who threw that?! Who threw that? Gi-give me that! [The ball is tossed over to him] Who was it?! You have to watch what you're doing! People's eyes got poked out with these things! Well, not poked out, but, cornea was scratched or bruised! Discoloration! I'm next for the phone... [Monk absentmindedly walks into a port-a-potty a few feet to the left of the payphones and shuts the door behind him. After a few minutes, he comes out]
Natalie Teeger: Oh! Oh! [runs up] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?!
Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi; they're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes!
Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!
Adrian Monk: No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie loops her arm around his and leads him away] Oh my God! What was I talking into?! Oh my God, where--where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?! [A maintenance man breaks open the port-a-potty next to them and Stork's dead body falls out]
Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
[As Monk and Natalie look on, dazed and shocked, a woman screams and a crowd gathers behind them]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie converse after having discovered the body]
Adrian Monk: How long do you think I was in there?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk! Maybe a minute!
Adrian Monk: It was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read that the Spanish Inquisition used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a stray blue beachball strikes Monk for the third time] Ow! Okay, it's-it's-it's time to go. [He tries to walk away, but Natalie grabs his arm]
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, Mr. Monk! We haven't found the Captain's son! [Kendra Frank runs up to them]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me! I heard some, uh, cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective?
Adrian Monk: That's true, I am some kind of detective.
Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie for Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Natalie and then with Monk. Monk hands her a wipe] I was a friend of Stork's. [hands Monk's wipe back to him] Here. I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and, uh, Stork is?
Kendra Frank: The roadie. The roadie they just found.
Natalie Teeger: Oh. God, I'm so sorry.
Adrian Monk: Stork?
Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, all right, but that's not possible. He's been clean for 17 months. I know; I talked to him about it every day.
Natalie Teeger: Well, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm.
Kendra Frank: That's how I know something's wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I ever met that didn't have a tattoo. I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated! [Natalie shrugs her shoulders]
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it.
Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight! Do you?!
Adrian Monk: No. You don't.
Kendra Frank: So, please! [holds up a spare roadie's jacket]
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Kendra Frank: Well they gave me his stuff. [She hands it to them] It's his tour jacket. [Monk and Natalie rifle through the various coat pockets. They pull out, among other things, backstage pass and a map of the grounds]
Adrian Monk: Is this a map?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have one of these. They gave these out at the door. [Monk unfolds the map, and notices a marker over the acupuncture tent with the number "7:30" underneath it. He looks up]
Adrian Monk: You say he was afraid of needles?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: He had an acupuncture appointment at 7:30 this morning.
Kendra Frank: What?! [Monk hands her the map, and points it out. Kendra drops the map in disbelief]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Noticing Randy in the crowd, Stottlemeyer calls him from a few feet away]
Lt. Randall Disher: [feigning illness] Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
Lt. Randall Disher: [fake coughs] What time is it? [Long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? [pause] Hey, what's that music I hear?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, [fake coughs] it's my stereo. It's broken! I can't turn it down!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's LOUD!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm gonna get up now; make myself some soup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Soup? Yeah soup is good; fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]
Lt. Randall Disher: My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder] Whoa. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [takes one last sip from his beer bottle before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra are questioning an acupuncture lady about her encounter with "Stork"]
Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7:30?
Annie: I remember. He was my first customer. [pause] Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. [to her patient] How does that feel?
Adrian Monk: Horrible. [Monk reacts in pain as Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back] Ow! [Kendra hands a photo to Annie]
Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him?
Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?
Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton. [Annie fidgets around for something]
Annie: No.... [Monk touches a needle on Annie's patient, and the patient promptly writhes in pain]
Natalie Teeger: Detective!
Annie: And he dropped this. [She shows them an earring]
Kendra Frank: Oh my God! I made this for him! He loved this earring. [Monk reaches out to try to straighten the same needle, but Natalie swats his arm to the side]
Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else?
Kendra Frank: Please, Annie, I have to know!
Annie: He asked me where could score some H.
Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I get it.
Annie: He said he was giving up; he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles but he got over it.
Kendra Frank: I-I don't believe this!
Annie: Well I guess he's with Kurt, Jimi, and Janis now.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you later.
Annie: Well then he paid me and left.
Adrian Monk: Did he... talk to anyone else?
Annie: No. Oh, but before he left, he helped some kid, some poor girl. She had a beachball. She was having trouble with it so he blew it up for her.
Adrian Monk: A blue beachball?
Annie: Uh-huh. I think so.
Adrian Monk: He blew that up? Thing almost killed me! I hate that beachball.
Kendra Frank: So it's true. They were right, he OD'd.
Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry.
Kendra Frank: Well, thank you for trying.
[They start to walk away. Monk stops to touch the bulb on a heat lamp]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, no! No-no-no-no-no-no! That's 400 watts! [Monk withdraws his arm, and starts to walk away, but cannot resist stepping back to touch it with his right arm. Natalie tries to restrain his right arm] No! No! [Monk reaches his left hand over and burns his left pointer finger]
Adrian Monk: Ow! [He makes sure to burn his right pointer finger as well on the same bulb so that his hands are symmetrical, and then leaves]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie are at the first aid clinic after Monk has burnt his pointer fingers]
Red Cross Volunteer: [prescribing a cream to Natalie] This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp? [Natalie reluctantly nods] Why?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Red Cross Volunteer: What about the other hand?
Natalie Teeger: He kept touching it. [pause; she waves her hand dismissingly] I don't know. [Monk, visibly bothered, walks over to the stretcher on which Stork's body is resting on. Natalie and the first aid volunteer join him]
Red Cross Volunteer: They found him in a port-a-john. Can you believe it?
Natalie Teeger: I know, we were there when it happened. He was so young.
Red Cross Volunteer: Overdose. The medical examiner will be here soon. If you could just step back-
Adrian Monk: No-no-no. It's okay. I'm a police officer, at least I used to be. There's no mud.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: On his boots, there's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, well they carried him out.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but who carried him in? [He pulls off the sheet covering the body] No other track marks. [notices the victim's personal effects] Are these his? [picks up a rubber strap] This rubber strap was around his arm?
Red Cross Volunteer: That's right. I took it off myself.
Adrian Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
Red Cross Volunteer: It goes with the territory.
Adrian Monk: Natalie? [Natalie extends her right arm, allowing Monk to gently hang the strap above her elbow] Do they wrap it around like this, and tie it in a knot?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, like... this. [With some difficulty, she uses her left thumb to create an improvised knot]
Adrian Monk: And then, they pull it tight with their teeth?
Red Cross Volunteer: That's right.
Natalie Teeger: I'm not doing that!
Adrian Monk: There's no other way to tie off your own arm?
Red Cross Volunteer: No, sir. [Monk looks at the strap more closely]
Adrian Monk: No teeth marks.
Natalie Teeger: Someone tied it for him.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading Jared back to the car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about it, Jared. You're under house arrest; you're grounded for two weeks! [Monk, Natalie and Kendra catch up with them]
Adrian Monk: Captain! Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, can we get out of here? [notices Kendra] Who's this?
Natalie Teeger: This is Kendra; she's a friend of the guy they found in the port-a-john.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Overdose?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I think he was murdered. We can't leave yet.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer checks out the port-a-potty]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up? [He shows the handyman a handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" sign]
Maintenance Employee: Not me, no.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
Maintenance Employee: Yes, sir. We had to jimmy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [speaks into his walkie-talkie] He says it was locked from the inside. [Monk is on the hill, communicating with Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, it would help things if you were to stand a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not gonna happen. Over. [Natalie and Kendra are waiting by the barricades]
Kendra Frank: So this is how he does it? From 100 feet away?
Natalie Teeger: Not all the time! [Stottlemeyer looks inside the port-a-john]
Annoyed girl in line: How long are you gonna be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [points to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy, who is looking towards the stage]
Lt. Randall Disher: These guys are great. Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine". [calls out] "KILLER MACHINE!" [Natalie and Kendra are obviously less than impressed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into his walkie-talkie] I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. There's no rust. [He finds a guitar string on the floor] Hold on. I've got a little piece of wire here. It looks like a guitar string. [shows it to Jared] Is that a B-string?
Jared Stottlemeyer: No, it' a D; a high-D from a 12-string guitar.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer goes over to Jared after speaking with the coroner]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Jared. Thanks for your help with that guitar string.
Jared Stottlemeyer: I didn't do anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure you did. That was an important clue, and I might have missed it without you. We make a pretty good team, huh?
Jared Stottlemeyer: What is that? [He's pointing at a black-and-white poster that reads "Runaway Child; Jared Stottlemeyer; Contact Security Ext. 17"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Runaway child? [Stottlemeyer takes it down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess we don't need this anymore.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Where'd they get that picture from?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It was went we went to Cabo.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Was that the only one you had?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Jared, it doesn't mean anything. It's--It's a new wallet.
Jared Stottlemeyer: It's not a new wallet, liar! I bet you have a thousand pictures of your girlfriend in there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared, please.
Jared Stottlemeyer: "A pretty good team", huh? Not a team at all. Or a family.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, this has been tough on me, too. I lost my family too. [He crumples up the poster and throws it away]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk, Natalie and Kendra locate and question Kris Kedder, who is playing "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"]
Kris Kedder: [singing] "Peggy's gone to Memphis / Daddy's all alone..." [Monk, Natalie and Kendra come up. Kedder stops]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're with the cops.
Kris Kedder: Cops?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, they're looking into what happened to Stork.
Kris Kedder: What's the big mystery? He's been chasing that dragon for years. I tried to help him.
Kendra Frank: When did you try to help him? [to Monk] See now that he's dead, everyone's his best friend. [to Kedder] Where were you when he was sinking?
Kris Kedder: Where were you? [he starts playing again] "Peggy's gone to Memphis / She didn't wanna go / Signed that piece of paper / Now Daddy's all alone..."
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice song.
Kris Kedder: Thank you. It comes out next week. You should buy a copy. In fact, buy two. I've got my eyes on this new beachhouse.
Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock-and-roll... song singer? [Several of the young women sitting behind Kedder blush]
Kris Kedder: I guess I am. [Monk produces an evidence bag containing the guitar string that was found in the outhouse]
Adrian Monk: Right. This was found at the [crime] scene. It is from a 12 string guitar.
Natalie Teeger: You're the only musician that has one.
Kris Kedder: I am.
Roadie: So what are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything. Just asking questions. Let's all just chill, you know, out.
Kris Kedder: Hey man, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case.
[He plays another chord, off-key]
Adrian Monk: You're out of tune? [Kedder looks up]
Kris Kedder: Do you play, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: A little bit. Clarinet.
Kris Kedder: Wow, clarinet? Hey, man, you and I should jam some time. When I'm, like, 87 years old.
Adrian Monk: You have mud on your boots. [Kedder lifts up his foot, revealing that he does indeed have mud on his boots]
Kris Kedder: Yes, I do. I must be at a rock festival.
Adrian Monk: It's just that I don't see mud on anybody else's shoes.
Kris Kedder: I see some on yours. [Monk lifts up his foot and realizes that he has mud as well on his shoe, but he ignores this. The same young women behind Kedder blush. Monk turns to Kendra]
Adrian Monk: You were gonna show me where Stork lived?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, he had a camper. It's back here.
Kris Kedder: It's locked.
Kendra Frank: I have a key. He trusted me.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra, along with Kedder, are in Stork's trailer]
Adrian Monk: He lived in here?
Kendra Frank: He loved it. Between gigs he'd come here, camp out. Sometimes I'd go with him.
Adrian Monk: What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy?
[A few feet away, Kedder takes a shot from his inhaler. Monk and Natalie glare at him]
Kris Kedder: Asthma, since I was a kid.
Natalie Teeger: [sniffs] It smells like mint.
Kris Kedder: It's imported from Denmark. Want a hit?
Natalie Teeger: No thanks.
[Monk turns over a rhyming book]
Adrian Monk: Rhyming dictionary?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, he was writing songs; it was his dream. He was really shy though, wouldn't play me any of his stuff. [Kedder sees an envelope that contains the incriminating sheet music copies he needs, but his opportunity to pocket the note is ruined by Monk looking over that section of the trailer. At that point, Natalie notices a photo of a little girl]
Natalie Teeger: Who's this?
Kendra Frank: Oh that's his daughter Margaret.
Natalie Teeger: Oh no! Where is she?
Kendra Frank: Tennessee. Her mom moved her there after they split. I guess I should call them. I know I have their number somewhere. [As she says that, Kedder removes the envelope with Stork's sheet music copies and tucks it under his shirt]
Kris Kedder: Oh hell! I'm late. [Monk, Natalie and Kendra turn towards him] Gotta go be famous. I'll catch you later. [He leaves, but Monk stops him]
Adrian Monk: "You'll catch me later"? [Kedder smiles, then leaves. Monk continues looking around the trailer, but he appears a little bit concerned]
Natalie Teeger: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Something's different. Did either of you move anything?
Natalie Teeger and Kendra Frank: No.
Adrian Monk: Something's missing. [points] There was an envelope; a white envelope right there.
Kendra Frank: There was? [Natalie grabs a blue slip of paper from the spot Monk is pointing to]
Natalie Teeger: Huh, it's a receipt. "Registered mail." He mailed something to himself.
Kendra Frank: I remember: that was about four months ago. I went to the post office with him. He was mailing sheet music to himself. He called it his "insurance policy".
Natalie Teeger: What song?
Kendra Frank: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I think I do: the song Kris Kedder was just singing.
Kendra Frank: "Peggy's Gone to Memphis".
Adrian Monk: Kedder didn't write that song, Stork wrote it about his daughter. "Peggy" is short for "Margaret"; "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"!
Kendra Frank: Oh my God, he just took that envelope!
Adrian Monk: Can't prove anything without that envelope! [They leave the trailer]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Monk delivers his summation over the noise of the song being performed on stage]
Adrian Monk: And then he stuffed him into the hell-hole!
Natalie Teeger: You mean the port-a-john!
Adrian Monk: No I mean the hell-hole!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Monk that there is no evidence to allow them to arrest Kris Kedder for killing Stork, but Monk notices a blue beachball in the air]
Adrian Monk: Beachball! The beachball!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me? [Cuts to black-and-white flashback of Kedder blowing up the beach ball]
Adrian Monk: When he was pretending to be Stork, and when he was still--still in disguise, Kedder blew up--that blue beachball!
Lt. Randy Disher: There will be a million fingerprints on that ball, Monk!
Adrian Monk: The proof is not on the beachball; it's in the beachball!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, the asthma!
Lt. Randy Disher: In the beachball?
Adrian Monk: Kris Kedder has asthma. He uses an inhaler; a very distinctive inhaler.
Natalie Teeger: And it's mint flavored! It's one-of-a-kind!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[Jared has caught the incriminating ball on top of the scaffolding for one of the speakers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good job, son. Give me the ball.
[Kedder climbs the adjoining ladder]
Kris Kedder: No, don't. Don't you do it! He's a cop. What's your name?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Jared.
Kris Kedder: Jared.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared, this is very important! Give me the ball!
Kris Kedder: Hey, man, you do everything the cops tell you? You know, I don't. I like your shirt.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Thanks, man.
Kris Kedder: You play?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Yeah!
Kris Kedder: Me and you, we should jam sometime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared! Listen to me! If he deflates that ball, we don't have a case!
Kris Kedder: Dude, he's trying to set me up because of what I am, what I represent.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's nonsense, Jared! [becoming desperate] You might not like me, but you know me!
Kris Kedder: Hey. You don't trust cops, do ya?
[long pause]
Jared Stottlemeyer: I trust this one. [throws it to Leland]
Kris Kedder: Don't, don't, don't do it! [Randy handcuffs him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Let's go.
Kris Kedder: Punk!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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[last lines. Kedder is being led in handcuffs to a police car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a uniformed cop] Be careful with this. Detective Kramer is waiting for this at the lab.
Officer: Yes sir.
[Monk and Natalie see Randy's new Kris Kedder T-shirt]
Lt. Randall Disher: Check this T-shirt out. Sweet, huh?
Natalie Teeger: Ooh that's gonna be worth a fortune when he's convicted!
Lt. Randall Disher: Exactly. So Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Adrian Monk: Ah I still like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. [They leave for the parking lot while Stottlemeyer and Jared stop by a photo booth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, we'll meet you guys back at the car. [to Jared] Hey Jared. How 'bout a picture for my wallet? So I have a good one for the next time you take off. [Stottlemeyer and Jared sit in the photo booth, and they receive three photos - one of them with no emotion, one of them with Randy in the middle, and one of just Stottlemeyer and Jared sitting and smiling]

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] - Season 5
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Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.
Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] - Season 5
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Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!

  --  Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] - Season 5
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Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] - Season 5
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Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!
Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?
Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!
Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!
Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...

  --  Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] - Season 5
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[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]
Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father! Look at Jack, Jr.!
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

  --  Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] - Season 5
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[Monk notices that Natalie is drinking a bottle of mouthwash]
Adrian Monk: Are you drinking that?
Natalie Teeger: Mmm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: Where's the woman who's been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you know what? It's not funny! You didn't have your tongue down his throat!
Adrian Monk: I shook hands with one. That's bad enough.
Natalie Teeger: Your leper wasn't even a real leper! My leper was the real deal!
Adrian Monk: I thought he was real! That's what counts. You know the old saying, "There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the Phony Leper"?
Natalie Teeger: No, I never heard that one.
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a saying. Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you...Up...go.
Natalie Teeger: Go.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[Monk realizes he was conned]
Adrian Monk: Julie, I was duped.
Julie Teeger: A leper-con.
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: [giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, thanks, I'll talk to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly from the flexible tap] Hotter! I need it hotter!
Julie Teeger: Mom, are you okay?
Natalie Teeger: I'm fine! [gargles]
Julie Teeger: How was your date?
Natalie Teeger: It was great. Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [soon, Monk and Natalie are speaking simultaneously]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen to this!
Natalie Teeger: I've gotta tell you something!
Adrian Monk: We've been duped! Are you ready for this?
Natalie Teeger: I've been duped! Okay, you're not gonna believe this!
Adrian Monk: He's not a leper!
Natalie Teeger: ...He's a leper! Oh God!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]
Adrian Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Julie Teeger: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
Adrian Monk: You are mistaken.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Of course I am.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
Julie Teeger: $8.50 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? [pause] I guess you're the boss.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the morning after he first meets Derek Bronson]
Adrian Monk: Any more soap?
Natalie Teeger: That's it.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean, is there any more soap in San Francisco?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you've been scrubbing your hand for nine hours! I'm surprised you have any skin left!
Adrian Monk: It's not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it's spreading. [pulls a can out from under the sink]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing? Is that kerosene?! [Monk pours kerosene over his entire hand and then throws a match to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Light me!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: For the love of God, light me!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, I'm not gonna light your hand on fire!
Adrian Monk: Fine. [Monk goes over to the stove, puts his left hand over his eyes, and screams as he goes to put his hand in a boiling pot. Natalie stops him]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? You know what? Get away! You are overreacting, all right! All you did was shake a man's hand!
Adrian Monk: You're right. You know what? I'm glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper, and I survived.
Natalie Teeger: Exactly!
Adrian Monk: The worst moment of my life is behind me now. [wipes his hand] I'm free. Wait. [rotates one of the pots in his cabinet] Okay, now, I'm free.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, Mr. Monk, it's not completely over. Don't be mad, but I talked to Mr. Bronson.
Adrian Monk: You did what? What?!
Natalie Teeger: He called here this morning.
Adrian Monk: The leper! He called me? On what phone? On this phone?! [points to the kitchen phone]
Natalie Teeger: Yes. [Monk pulls a roll of paper towel, wraps the phone in it, and puts it in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can't catch anything over the phone!
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Now all of a sudden, you're an expert on lepers?!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you know? Mr. Monk, he's a nice man, all right? He's in pain! He was crying his eyes out and...okay, listen to me. He upped his offer: he said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you: No!
Natalie Teeger: That's it? That's your argument?
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's go through it. A: whatever he's asking us to do is probably illegal. "B" through "Z": the man is a leper!
Natalie Teeger: You know what, I don't know anything about leprosy, and neither do you. So, I called a doctor. He's a specialist. He said we could come in, and talk with him. Let's just see what he recommends, okay? I mean, it can't hurt to listen, right? $25,000!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[Natalie notices photos of Randy with acne on the wall in Dr. Polanski's waiting room]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Doctor, could I ask you one thing?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Certainly.
Natalie Teeger: Right over here. [leads Dr. Polanski over to Randy's photos]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: What?
Natalie Teeger: Is that Randy Disher?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Yeah, Randall was one of my first patients. Do you know him?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, I know Randy Disher, I don't know that kid.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Well, you know, teen years. I don't know how any of us survived it. We could talk over here. Come on.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie are talking to Dr. Polanski]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Well, how about this: if you do contract the disease, I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: What the hell are you talking about? How about this: we never call the guy back, we don't see him again, I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[During the probate hearing]
Nephew's Lawyer: Mr. Monk, is this the man you saw? [shows Monk a photo of a younger Derek Bronson]
Adrian Monk: I believe it is.
Nephew's Lawyer: According to your testimony, you only saw him in a dimly lit bar and a parking garage. Hardly ideal conditions.
Adrian Monk: It's true.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, Mr. Bronson's nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I am reluctant to make a decision based on one man's testimony.
Mandy's Lawyer: Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, there's a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk? Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk stands up and turns around] Could you describe my shirt?
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: "Which one?"
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt that your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it? You cut yourself shaving - there's a little drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair on that couch. The cushions are all backwards, and one her earrings fell off. [He walks over to the couch, and picks up the earring in question with his tweezers] She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify." What the hell is Hansen's Disease?
Adrian Monk: Leprosy. He's a leper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh my God!
Lt. Randy Disher: I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And, uh, you met this guy face to face?
Natalie Teeger: Yep. He's a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
Adrian Monk: I shook his hand. I can still feel it!
Natalie Teeger: He's not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
Lt. Randy Disher: No.
Natalie Teeger: Aaron Polanski?
Lt. Randy Disher: No, can't say that I do.
Natalie Teeger: Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Lt. Randy Disher: Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're on your own, Randy.
Adrian Monk: It's still tingling.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I'll tell him you said hi. We're going out tomorrow night.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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[Randy visits Dr. Polanski's office. He walks over to the wall of photographs and eyes the photos of himself]
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Lt. Randy Disher: Oh, no, I'm just browsing.
Receptionist: Browsing for what?
Lt. Randy Disher: Oh, did I say "browsing"? Uh, no, I'm waiting. Just waiting for someone. [Randy takes a seat, and browses through a magazine on dermatology. He then looks at his photographs hanging on the wall. The receptionist leaves her desk, at which point, Randy gets up, walks over to the wall, and casually pulls one of photographs, but it won't budge. Randy struggles to remove the frame, causing him to receive stares from an old lady in the waiting room. With the photo stuck on so well, Randy takes a pen to pry the frame off. As he struggles with this method, it ends up causing all of the other frames that aren't glued to the wall to fall off. Randy finally manages to remove the frame - and the drywall it's glued on to - just as Dr. Polanski comes in]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Randall! What a nice surprise. [sees the hole on the wall, and Randy holding his photo]
Lt. Randy Disher: Hey, Doc. This fell off the wall. [hands the frame over]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Right. Yeah. Not to worry. We'll just toss it.
Lt. Randy Disher: Thanks.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: That's okay. Well, you're looking good.
Lt. Randy Disher: Thanks. Well, uh, I'll see you around.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Take care.
Lt. Randy Disher: Oh, hey, I, uh, hear you're dating a friend of mine, a uh, Natalie Teeger.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Oh, yeah, she's amazing, but I don't think it's going to happen. Well, she reacted pretty badly when I told her I used to have leprosy.
Lt. Randy Disher: Really. She couldn't handle it, huh? [He starts to inconspicuously wipe his hand] Some people.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Actually, I've been trying to reach her, to give her a heads up. I think Derek Bronson lied to her. I mean, he told her he's been living on Kimino Island, but I checked this morning, and it turns out the leper colony there has been closed for two years.
Lt. Randy Disher: Really?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Mmm-hmm. I mean maybe that guy wasn't really Bronson. I mean, all those bandages?
Lt. Randy Disher: I don't know, I mean, the wife met him. It's funny, though, we...we're working on another case as missing persons. We were gonna talk to Monk about it. We found a makeup kit and a book on skin diseases. [he stands up] I think I'm gonna stop by and have a chat with the wife. Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Can I come with you? If Natalie is in trouble, I'd just like to be there.
Lt. Randy Disher: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Oh, that's great. Thank you. [Randy is appalled when Dr. Polanski pats his back]
Lt. Randy Disher: Why don't we take separate cars?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Randy, I'm not contagious!
Lt. Randy Disher: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Is that what you thought I meant? I mean, is that what you...hell, no.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Come on.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] - Season 5
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Julie: [Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal Tucker] I like him.
Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.

  --  Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11] - Season 5
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Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm your friend.
Monk: Because I PAY YOU!!
Natalie: Not that much.

  --  Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11] - Season 5
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[Monk faces an unplanned job interview with Paul Buchanan]
Paul Buchanan: [enters, carrying a hunting rifle] Sorry for the delay. This is in case the interview doesn't go well. Just joking; I was just doing a little hunting. All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Adrian Monk: I... "lost" it.
Paul Buchanan: You lost your resume? Well that doesn't bode well, does it? What's your name?
Adrian Monk: Adrian....
Paul Buchanan: Adrian? [Monk briefly glances at the spine of a copy of the book Moby-Dick, then looks back up]
Adrian Monk: Melville. Adrian Melville. [Paul notices the cleanliness of the room]
Paul Buchanan: What's with this place? I had friends over last night; the place was a mess.
Adrian Monk: While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.
Paul Buchanan: I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville. Did you do this? [Points to a finished jigsaw puzzle on another table]
Adrian Monk: Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Paul Buchanan: What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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Paul Buchanan: Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked for? Anybody I know?
Adrian Monk: Mmm...I don't think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco.... Stottlemeyers. Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Kroger.
Paul Buchanan: No, I don't know them.
Adrian Monk: And Natalie Teeger.
Paul Buchanan: Natalie? Really? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me. Wouldn't leave me alone.
Adrian Monk: Is that right?
Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo? [Monk stands up in shock]
Adrian Monk: She has a tattoo?
Paul Buchanan: Well, I guess you wouldn't have seen it. Not where she put it. Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It'd make the afternoon a lot better.
Adrian Monk: I don't think... [Paul glares at him] maybe.
Paul Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut. And my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me. Congratulations. You're my new butler.
Adrian Monk: I'm your butler?
Paul Buchanan: Yeah. Come on. I'll show you around. Your room's upstairs. Grab that drink.

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the Buchanan estate luncheon in five days, with all the maids standing around him]
Mrs. Murphy: [hesitantly] Mr. Melville, it's 2:30 in the morning! We've been here all night! Luncheon isn't until Sunday afternoon, sir.

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Monk spots a frog while looking at the crash site]
Adrian Monk: Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog.
Natalie Teeger: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know; I've never been this close to one. [A frog hops on his shoe] Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where's the list?

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie arrive at the Buchanan estate's driveway]
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie Teeger: I know, wow. 14 bedrooms. [The car stops]
Adrian Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie Teeger: Okay let me just tell you something about Paul Buchanan: He basically stalked me for three years, all during high school. He just kept on asking me out. He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend! They broke his jaw and both of his legs.
Adrian Monk: 14 bedrooms.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! He beat up my boyfriend! Or hired some thug to do it! He thinks he can get away with anything!
Adrian Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie Teeger: I wouldn't put it past him. All right, so the garage is back there. The Morgan is inside. He hasn't even bothered to fix it.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: My father saw it the last time he was here.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Let's take a look.
Natalie Teeger: I can't go in. I'll meet you back here in ten minutes.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I'm not going in there alone. That would be like me going in someplace alone.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk your way out of it! If he sees me, it'd be horrible! It'd be like high school all over again! I can't. [hands a cell phone to Monk] Here. In case you need it.

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Natalie is at her parent's house when a maid hands her a phone]
Natalie Teeger: Hello? Oh, Mr. Monk, thank God.
Adrian Monk: [in his bedroom] I'm gonna need you to come and get me now.
Natalie Teeger: What happened? Where are you?
Adrian Monk: I'm in my bedroom. I work here now, I'm the butler.
Natalie Teeger: You're the butler?
Adrian Monk: Yes, you're old boyfriend just hired me. I'm the new manservant.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's great!
Adrian Monk: Really, do you think it's "great"?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you'll be able to look around. You're right there, you're-you're-you're in the belly of the beast!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's not a good thing, it's a bad thing. Okay, it's a belly... and it's a beast. Now come and get me!
Natalie Teeger: How about this? I pick you up tomorrow morning.
Adrian Monk: Tomorrow morning?
Natalie Teeger: Yes, maybe by then we'll have something to show the Captain.
Adrian Monk: Yes that's one solution. May I suggest an alternate solution? [taps the phone against his dresser] PICK ME UP! [Someone knocks on the door of Monk's new room] There's somebody here. I'll call you later.
Natalie Teeger: Wait! Wait, wait, wait! [Monk hangs up]
Adrian Monk: Come in. [Susie, one of the housekeepers, comes in]
Susie: Mr. Melville?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Melville.
Susie: Hi, I'm Susie, the housekeeper. Assistant housekeeper, actually. And Mrs. Murphy wanted me to see if you needed anything.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm fine.
Susie: I'm supposed to pick up your uniform, and I need to know your size.
Adrian Monk: Oh, thank you, Susie, but that won't be...I'm a 42 regular.
Susie: Okay. I'm sorry about all the mess. [puts some of the magazines aside] This was Stilson's room. And he subscribed to, like, 50 magazines.
Adrian Monk: Who's, uh, Stilson?
Susie: Your predecessor. Edward Stilson. He was with the family forever. I just can't believe he left like that.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Susie: Well, Mr. Buchanan said that they had a really big fight about back pay or something. Stilson just stormed out of the house.
Adrian Monk: When was this?
Susie: Last week.
Adrian Monk: [looks around the room] And he left his suitcase, and all of his pictures?
Susie: Well, he'll probably send for them when he cools off. Um, I know you haven't even unpacked yet, but we need you to approve this. It's the seating chart for the luncheon on Sunday.
Adrian Monk: I'm sure it's fine. Just do...do whatever you want.
Susie: Very well, sir. I'm right down the hall if you need me.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Could I...could I see that again? [he inspects the seating chart] There will be, uh, eleven at the table?
Susie: Yes, sir. So do you just want to put five on one side, and then six on the-
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. That wouldn't be even. It has to be even. How long is the table?
Susie: I'm not sure.
Adrian Monk: [with disapproval] Susie. Susie. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you!

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Paul Buchanan finishes looking at the completed luncheon table that Monk has carefully organized and straightened out]
Paul Buchanan: Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are! The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they expect me to screw up! And I intend- to dissapoint them. Mr. Melville.
Adrian Monk: [standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Pepperidge? [Mr. Pepperidge pulls the tarp off the canvas, revealing a color coded map of the house] I've divided the house into four zones.
Susie the Maid: Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: [retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way: the Monk way.
Susie the Maid: Who's Monk?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: You see... I grew up in a monastery. And the monks, were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs, it was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.
Paul Buchanan: Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Natalie has shown up at the Buchanan luncheon, and she pulls Monk aside]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Melville, will you help me with my coat? [Monk hesitantly takes her coat off and hangs it on a coat rack and they go into the living room, where Natalie drops the facade]
Adrian Monk: How did you do that?
Natalie Teeger: See, Mr. Monk, when two people love each other, they want to express that love...
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: It's a pillow!
Adrian Monk: Uh, well, that explains almost nothing.
Natalie Teeger: I had to come. I realized something about the frogs.
Adrian Monk: What frogs?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, on that 911 call, there were no frogs in the background. You were there; remember how loud they were? That call was definitely made from some place else.
Adrian Monk: Not necessarily. Maybe they just weren't croaking. Maybe they were tired.
Natalie Teeger: Frogs don't get tired!
Adrian Monk: You don't think frogs don't get tired?
Natalie Teeger: No, I don't.
Adrian Monk: Believe me. Frogs get tired. The hopping, and the thing with the tongue. You try hopping around, and catching flies. You wouldn't last ten minutes.
Natalie Teeger: This man is a creep! Why are you protecting him?!
Adrian Monk: I'm not protecting anyone. There is no evidence here!
Natalie Teeger: Then find some! You're a detective! You were supposed to go check out the car in the garage! Have you been to the garage?
Adrian Monk: No, something came up.
Natalie Teeger: What?!
Adrian Monk: This. My life. My new career. I love it here.
Natalie Teeger: No, you don't.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do.
Natalie Teeger: No, you don't. I can tell, you look terrible!
Adrian Monk: Well, fortunately, this job is not about my looks.
Natalie Teeger: Have you been sleeping at all? [She picks up a glass of champagne as Mrs. Murphy comes in]
Mrs. Murphy: Mr. Melville, shall we begin the main course, sir?
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy. [He leaves]
Mrs. Murphy: Should you be drinking that [champagne]? [Natalie puts the glass back where she found it]

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Monk is serving the main course]
Woman #1: I'll have some quail, please.
Adrian Monk: He took the quail. We're alternating.
Woman #1: I prefer the quail.
Adrian Monk: It's just...we've been going quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck...
Woman #1: I don't like duck.
Adrian Monk: Then you'll have to sit over there.
Woman #1: I have to change seats?
Adrian Monk: Fine. Here. [gives her a plate with quail] Two quails right next to each other there! [frustrated, he stabs a knife into the quail at an inverted angle] Enjoy.
Paul Buchanan: By the way, you're all invited to stay. Alfred and I are gonna do some quail hunting later with a few of the neighbors. [turns to Mrs. Murphy] Where's Natalie?
Mrs. Murphy: She said she had to freshen up, sir.
Paul Buchanan: [checks his watch] Really?

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[As Natalie leaves, Paul intercepts her car]
Paul Buchanan: You're leaving? We're going hunting. I wanted to invite you.
Natalie Teeger: No, thank you.
Paul Buchanan: Your parents will be joining us.
Natalie Teeger: I can't. I have to take care of something.
Paul Buchanan: I'm sure they'll be fine.
Natalie Teeger: What do you mean?
Paul Buchanan: You know what it's like hunting. Accidents happen all the time. Don't worry. I'll look after them.

  --  Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] - Season 5
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[Monk answers the door at his apartment and finds Linda Riggs, Jeanette Hudson's sister, on his doorstep]
Linda Riggs: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Linda Riggs: I'm sorry to bother you at home. I read about you on the Internet, and I looked up your address. I don't know where else to go.
Adrian Monk: I'm on the Internet?
[cuts to Linda Riggs sitting on the couch. Monk hands her a tissue box]
Linda Riggs: Oh. Thank you. [blows her nose] Thank you. [Monk becomes uncomfortable]
Adrian Monk: If you could wait till my assistant gets here. She's in charge of saying the right things.
[From the kitchen, Kevin speaks to Monk]
Kevin Dorfman: Adrian, I'm putting the tablespoons in front, the serving spoons in back. Any objections?
Adrian Monk: Kevin, it doesn't matter!
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. [Monk turns to Linda]
Linda Riggs: My sister, Jeanette, died four weeks ago. There was a gas fireplace in...
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. [to Kevin] Actually, I do prefer the serving spoons in the front!
Kevin Dorfman: Really? In the front? Okay. You're the boss. [Monk turns back to Linda]
Adrian Monk: Sorry. There was a fireplace?
Linda Riggs: There was a gas fireplace in the bedroom. It was turned on, and she was asphyxiated. [she hands a case file to Monk] This is a copy of the coroner's inquest. They said it was an accident. But, Mr. Monk, Jeanette never used that fireplace. I know he killed her.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Linda Riggs: Her husband Max. Getting a divorce would have cost him thirty million dollars. I'm...I'm sorry could I have another?
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. Uh, I buy ten boxes at a time, and, uh, they have to last me the whole month.
Linda Riggs: Oh...
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. Okay, okay. [He takes a tissue, separates a ply, and gives it to her]
Linda Riggs: Thanks.
Kevin Dorfman: [from the kitchen] Okay, I'm pouring the detergent. You're missing it.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, please! Please, I'm trying to talk to...I'm sorry.
Linda Riggs: Uh, Linda Riggs. Jeanette Hudson was my sister. [Kevin comes out of the house, fascinated]
Kevin Dorfman: Jeanette Hudson? Max Hudson's wife? [gasps]
Linda Riggs: Yeah, everyone thinks he's so funny. Jeanette was terrified of him. You know he once got arrested for assault. He has a terrible temper.
Kevin Dorfman: So, you've actually met him?
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Linda Riggs: Yes, I've met him! I think he killed my sister!
Kevin Dorfman: What's he like?
Linda Riggs: He's a monster!
Adrian Monk: Kevin...
Kevin Dorfman: [walks back to the kitchen] Forget it. Withdrawn. Never said it. Excuse me. I have dishes to do.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie arrive at Max Hudson's house]
Natalie Teeger: Well, I don't like that guy either. He's such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. What station is he on?
Natalie Teeger: 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Ah, so close.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I just don't see how he could have done it. Have you looked at this? [Monk shakes his head]
Adrian Monk: Mmmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: So when Jeanette died, Max was on the radio doing a live show, and the night before he's in Los Angeles at a party. He hasn't been home in two days.
Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it! I had to; she was using up all my Kleenex! [They meet Linda Riggs at the front door] Hi.
Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming? [spots a welcome mat that says "GO AWAY"]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, that's not for you. It's a joke.
Adrian Monk: It's a joke? How--how is that funny?
Natalie Teeger: Um, well, I guess it's funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
Adrian Monk: S-so it's an opposite joke?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. That's right.
[a neighbor, walking his dog past the driveway, notices them]
Neighbor: He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.
Linda Riggs: Okay.
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog!
Neighbor: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat. [force laughs unconvincingly, then turns and wipes this thought]
Linda Riggs: [sighs] Okay that's it. This is still my sister's house. I'm going in. [She uses her own house keys to unlock the door]

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie examine the crime scene with Linda Riggs]
Linda Riggs: This was where she was found, on the bed. This morning I heard him joking about it on his show. I don't know how somebody can joke about something like that.
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. Any time I'm in a store or in a restaurant and he's on the radio, I just have to leave.
Linda Riggs: According to the police, Jeanette turned on the gas, then forgot that it was on and just went to sleep.
[Monk looks inside the closet, and stops]
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: There's only 39 shoes here. There's one missing.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, is that important right now?
Adrian Monk: Looks like a dark brown Romano loafer. It's about a size 10.5 or 11, I guess.
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Okay. [She starts to pull Monk from the closet]
Adrian Monk: It's a ten and a half.
Natalie Teeger: [points to the bed] Okay, Mr. Monk, Jeanette was found here.
[Monk notices the gas lever on the fireplace]
Adrian Monk: So she turned it... like this? [turns the lever] And then forgot it was on?
[He starts looking inside the fireplace chimney, but soon is overpowered by the fumes. He collapses]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? You should turn off the gas! [She quickly turns off the valve and tries to keep Monk from collapsing]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm...I'm fine. I'm fine. Just a little...little gas. According to the police report, the flue was...was closed?
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Adrian Monk: Right. Closed. But look. [He uses his tweezers to pick up some leaves that have fallen out of the chimney] Dried.... dried leaves. Fire would have burned them or charred them. No, this thing hasn't been used in months, if ever.
Linda Riggs: That's what I was saying; that it couldn't have been an accident. [Linda opens a window to give Monk some fresh air. Monk straightens up]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You have the inventory? Are there any matches or cigarette lighters anywhere? [Natalie looks through the file]
Natalie Teeger: Uhhhh, no.
Adrian Monk: No matches anywhere? That makes no sense. [He walks over to another desk and finds a calendar open to July on it. Natalie joins him] So she died on the 15th?
Linda Riggs: Yeah, that's right. Two days before their tenth wedding anniversary. They always did something special. Last year, they went to Cabo.
Adrian Monk: But not this year. July 17, 10th anniversary? Natalie, nothing's been written; nothing planned. Nothing erased.
Natalie Teeger: He knew she wouldn't be around.
Adrian Monk: Linda, I think you're right. I think he killed her.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie are waiting in the control room as Max and his crew do their show]
Max Hudson: I'm gonna be down at the, uh, Book Barn on Market Street tomorrow signing copies of my new book Sex, Lies and Radio. So, come on down, but get there early. I was at a book signing in Dallas last week and I mean it was freakin' insane! It was a riot. It was on the news, and everything.
Little Willie: It's an amazing book!
Max Hudson: Like you know! You can't even read! You didn't read it!
Little Willie: That's true! I'm waiting for the movie!
J.J.: I read it, boss. Twice.
Little Willie: Kiss-ass. [a kissing sound effect plays]
Max Hudson: My master plan...
[Cuts to the control room]
Natalie Teeger: Be very careful. He's very quick.
Adrian Monk: I'm quick.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you're not quick. You have to focus. He'll try to make fun of you.
Adrian Monk: Why would he make fun of me? He doesn't even know me!
[Cuts back to the studio]
Max Hudson: Hey Howard Stern, if you're listening and I know you are, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BABY!
J.J.: Down! [plays an explosion sound effect on his computer]

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk tries to add dots to the "CHAIRMAN OF THE FCC" sign on the inflatable dummy in the control room, and Natalie tries to grab the pen from him]
Natalie Teeger: Sir, please... [she tries to grab the pen, and it escalates into an arm-wrestling match. Willie rings a little bell in the studio]
J.J.: Cat fight in our control room! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Little Willie: Go left! Go right! [Monk swings, and pokes the dummy in the chest, deflating it]
Max Hudson, Little Willie, and J.J.: OHHHHHHHH!
J.J.: Oh my God! He killed Mr. Limpey!

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk and Natalie enter the studio]
Natalie Teeger: Hi.
J.J.: Oh, hello.
Max Hudson: Hello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
Adrian Monk: This is Natalie. She's my assistant.
Max Hudson: Ooh, Natalie.
Little Willie: I think I need a little assistance.
Max Hudson: Me like...
Little Willie: I think I need some assistance!
Max Hudson: Give a little twirl, Natalie.
Natalie Teeger: No, thank you.
Max Hudson: [as a small sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer] "No, thank you." Okay, she's feisty! She's brassy, she's sassy, she's got gusto!
Little Willie: Sassy, brassy, but she won't show her...
Max Hudson: I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can't see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Natalie Teeger: Why don't we talk about that after the show?
Max Hudson: You don't get it, sugarbumps: here is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don't you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk wipes his headset down]
Max Hudson: Okay, folks, you got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he's swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
Adrian Monk: This is not a baby wipe. This is...this is an adult wipe.
Max Hudson: Oh, I'm corrected.
J.J.: You've gotta know the difference.
Little Willie: One of those, oh...
Max Hudson: Sorry about that one.
J.J.: Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus? [Max claps happily]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you don't have to answer that.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I'll be happy to. I'll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Max Hudson: Oh, I bet she does. [The men play a sexy woman's sound. Natalie is left very mortified as they start commenting about her, which continues until Monk starts wiping his microphone down, causing static feedback in the other mens' mikes]
Max, J.J. and Little Willie: Ow! Ow!
Max Hudson: You're hurting me!
J.J. and Little Willie: Ow! Oooh!
Max Hudson: This guy's great. He's possessed.
J.J.: Yo, Adrian! [pause]
Adrian Monk: Yo.
[They burst out laughing until Max signals for them to stop]
J.J.: What is going on there?
Max Hudson: Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then, so just for the record, you're here because of my sister-in-law?
Little Willie: Loony Linda.
Max Hudson: That's right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn't that charming?

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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J.J.: Adrian, I thought you'd like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
[Monk immediately throws off his headset and runs out of the studio]
Adrian Monk: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe!
Radio men: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
[Monk grabs Natalie's purse as he leaves]
Natalie Teeger: You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Max Hudson: I agree, I should be. But I'm not! [She walks out of the booth]
J.J.: Oh! And there, we've got the view. [Natalie turns around to cast a look of disgust at them before closing the door]
Max Hudson: There she goes. She gave us a twirl.
[cuts to Monk and Natalie walking into Captain Stottlemeyer's office]
Adrian Monk: I think he's the guy!
Natalie Teeger: I do too, at least I hope he is.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
Adrian Monk: According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Natalie Teeger: Which is the maximum dosage.
Adrian Monk: And it was Max's suggestion.
Natalie Teeger: He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold- [In the background, Randy tries to contain his laughter]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
Lt. Randall Disher: S-sorry.
Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys- [Randy once more tries to contain his laughter]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
Lt. Randall Disher: I think he's great...ting. It's grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he'll grow up, but he never does.
Adrian Monk: [continuing] Anyway, he has one of his guys-
Lt. Randall Disher: Goons. They're called goons. "The Goon Platoon."
Adrian Monk: Goons - thank you, Randy - snuck into the house, turned on the gas-
Lt. Randall Disher: Could've been J.J. The guy's a joke machine. He's been with Max for 15 years, since Philadelphia.
Adrian Monk: -Whoever it was closed the bedroom door. She never woke up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right. How did they get in the house?
Natalie Teeger: Max made an extra key.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sounds good but it doesn't track. [hands a house diagram to Natalie] This is new. It's from the security company. That house is wired. It's monitored 24/7, sealed tight. No door or window was opened all night long. No one, no thing came in or out.
Natalie Teeger: Well what about that window? It says "open".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That is a ventilation window to the basement. It only opens about eight inches.
Lt. Randall Disher: Little Willie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who?
Lt. Randall Disher: Little Willie. He's a little person. He'd do anything for Max. Last week he ate his own weight in bologna. Jiggle me timbers! I think I just solved this case.
Natalie Teeger: "Jiggle me timbers"?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, something that...I heard it on the radio. I don't remember who says it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. I mean, we don't even know if a little person can fit through an eight inch window.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sure they could.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's awful small!
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, could a little person fit through an eight-inch window?
Adrian Monk: I'm proud to say I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, we don't even know where this Little Willie person was the night she died.
Lt. Randall Disher: Wait a minute, we can settle it right now. They're all downtown at the book signing. We go down, we talk to Little Willie. If we get a chance, if it happens to come up, we measure the circumference of his head. Then divide it by pi or something.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whaddaya think?
Adrian Monk: I think we have to check it out.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[While the team is at a bookstore where Max is doing a book signing, we see another fan having his picture taken with a man who belches loudly]
Lt. Randall Disher: You see that guy over there? They've got him on all the time; they call him "the Burpinator".
Natalie Teeger: Really? The Burpinator's here? Is he single? Do you think you could introduce me?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, sure. Come on.
Natalie Teeger: I was kidding! You knew that, right? I was kidding?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on Randy, let's get this over with.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher pull Little Willie aside]
Lt. Randall Disher: We're big fans. No, not big height.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, we are looking into the death of Jeanette Hudson.
Little Willie: Why? There was inquest; it was an accident. Don't you guys talk to each other?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're probably right, there's just a few loose ends that we want to look into. Where were you the night she died?
Little Willie: Where was I? I was on the air.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean before that, the night before. I-I know Max was in Los Angeles but you didn't go with him.
Little Willie: That's true. I was with my wife and kid. I've got nothin' more to say to you guys; you wanna talk, talk to my lawyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey-hey-hey. I'm not done talking to you yet. [Randy puts his hands around the sides of Willie's head to measure] Thank you very much.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thank you. [shakes Willie's hand oddly] I'm a big fan, just, uh, nice meeting you.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk is vaccuming his apartment while Natalie and Kevin stand nearby]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk, come on, you have to call the Captain!
Adrian Monk: I can't hear you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God. [She pulls the plug on the vaccum] You heard me! If you think Max Hudson killed his wife, then we need to call the Captain!
Adrian Monk: And tell him what? I have no proof?
Kevin Dorfman: Okay, let me see if I understand: 1) You need proof. 1A) To get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect. 1B) Your suspect won't talk to you unless you go on his show. 1C) omitted. 2) You're afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm not afraid. I'm terrified. There's a big difference. You heard what happened it was a massacre. He ripped me apart in there. I felt like I was back in 7th grade.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, then, the next time you go on, you'll know what to expect!
Adrian Monk: No, it won't help, because I can't fight back. I'm just not funny. I'm not funny.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that is not true.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you've known me for three years. Have I ever said anything funny?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah...um... [she struggles to remember]
Adrian Monk: Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?
Kevin Dorfman: That's a good question. Okay, let's see: I met you in October 1998. First week, no. You were kind of a Gloomy Gus. Second week... [pauses for a long time] No. Third week. [pause; he laughs] Yes! The...wait. Sorry, no. That wasn't you. It was Arsenio Hall. He's hilarious!
Adrian Monk: It's like a blind spot. It's like everybody else in the world can speak another language that I can't learn. Maybe it's genetic. I don't remember my parents ever laughing.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, that is not possible. Everybody laughs. You're just blocking it out.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk goes back to the radio station to try to talk to Max again]
Adrian Monk: Hi, Max, J.J., Willie. Did you guys miss me? [J.J. replays a portion of Monk's voice from the previous interview. The men laugh]
Max Hudson: Well, well, well, look who's back.
Adrian Monk: Surprised?
Max Hudson: Uh, more like annoyed, actually. For those of you who missed it last week, Adrian Monk is a private detective who was hired by my ex-sister-in-law - who's delusional - because she thinks I murdered my wife. So, what can we do for you today, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Well...for three weeks before Jeanette died, you left the house at 2:00 every afternoon.
Max Hudson: Yes.
Adrian Monk: According to her sister, you said you were going to the gym.
Max Hudson: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Well I went to your gym, and they said you haven't been there in six months. So, my first question is what were you doing at 2:00 every day?
Max Hudson: Well, uh, that's really none of your business, but, uh, I'm gonna tell you anyway. It's no secret, Jeanette and I had an understanding. We had what some people would call an open marriage.
J.J.: In my house it's called "The Impossible Dream".
Max Hudson: So, uh, you're absolutely right, I did not go to the gym. I was getting a different kind of workout.
J.J.: Yeah, baby! [Willie dings the bell and Max motorboats] For those of you keeping score at home, that's Max, one, Monk, nothing!
Adrian Monk: You want to play? Okay, let's...let's play.
[He secretly pulls out Kevin's joke cards from his sleeve]
Adrian Monk: You know, Max, you look like you're out of shape. When you go to a restaurant, you don't use a fork. You use a harpoon.
Max Hudson: Uh, what?
Adrian Monk: You heard me. When you took your dog to the dog show, you won first prize, not your dog. [The sound effect of crickets chirping plays]
Max Hudson: Yeah, that's... that's not funny. [J.J. plays a howling coyote sound effect]
Adrian Monk: Yes it is.
Max Hudson: No, no, it's not.
Adrian Monk: Yes it is. You know who you remind me of? The hippie who came home and gave his dog fleas.
J.J.: Hippie? What year is this?
[short pause. A cricket chirping sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer, along with the sound of a howling coyote]
Adrian Monk: Actually, you remind me of several different hippies. Like the hippie who moved into a new apartment and it was six months before he realized; there was no hot water.
[Monk casts a look at the control room to give an embarassed Natalie a thumbs-up]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, but you had that coming.
Max Hudson: Yeah, um, Adrian. Are you telling jokes, buddy? [The phone rings]
Mickey: Max, you got a caller.
Little Willie: Thank God.
Kevin Dorfman: [on the phone] Hello, Mr. Hudson. Longtime listener, first time caller.
Max Hudson: Yeah.
Kevin Dorfman: I love the show.
Max Hudson: Thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: I can't believe I got through! Listen, I just got back from Los Angeles and the smog was terrible. I was wondering if anyone there has any thoughts on the subject?
Max Hudson: Uh...
Adrian Monk: Max, I'll take this one. I know what he means: The smog was so bad, one time I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. In the air. Stuck. It was smog. [J.J. plays the sound of a toilet being flushed, and a fart sound effect on his computer]
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, J.J., that sound effect is about as funny as my wife's cooking. You know what she made every night?
Max Hudson: A noose?
[The men laugh]
Adrian Monk: No, no, not a noose. Leftovers. Why would she make a noose?

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Monk has attacked Max Hudson on the air]
Adrian Monk: Did you hear him? Did you hear what he said about Trudy?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah we were in the car; we had to pull over. I couldn't even drive.
Adrian Monk: That wasn't funny, was it?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it was unspeakable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what I was thinking: Number One, it sounded like you got a few good shots in, I was proud of you; and Number Two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.
Natalie Teeger: He is guilty.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 25 years to life. That's the best revenge. So let's just take a deep breath, let's focus, and let's figure out how he did this.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Okay, he was on...on the radio, doing his show and the house was locked.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Locked and bolted from inside.
Adrian Monk: The little window in the back was open, but only eight inches.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not big enough for a little person, which has already been established scientifically.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Disher waiting out front]
Max Hudson: What, uh...what's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He's upstairs. After you. [When Max enters the bedroom, he finds Monk, Natalie, Linda, and Captain Stottlemeyer there waiting for him]
Max Hudson: Linda? Uh-huh. I don't know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hudson, that's a search warrant. You've been duly served.
Max Hudson: Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You're just embarrass yourselves, again.
Adrian Monk: It's over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
Natalie Teeger: You were next door!
Max Hudson: That's right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Adrian Monk: No, you were training their dog.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, "Jangle my tenders."
Lt. Randall Disher: "Jiggle me timbers", sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jiggle me timbers.
Lt. Randall Disher: You never said it before that day or since. I'm a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you're not guilty, in which case, we're all really sorry about all this. Although, I'm pretty sure you're guilty. But if you're not, I'm sorry.
Max Hudson: This is insane.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, it's easy enough to prove. [picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let's do it.
[cuts to a shot of a police officer standing outside the neighbor's house, carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
Max on tape: Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
Little Willie on tape: Hey Max, where did you get that? "Jiggle me timbers"...

  --  Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] - Season 5
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[first lines; Harvey Disher is tending to his pet pig Nadine]
Harvey Disher: That feels good doesn't it? Doesn't it, honey? I got a great meal for you. Yes, I do. Yes, I do! That's a good girl. Now, you finish up all those vegetables. I...I mixed it up for you just the way you like it. Yes, I did. [as he continues tending to Nadine, a Dodge Ram pickup truck parks outside the shed] Yes, I did. Yes, I do. You're the prettiest baby on this farm. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. [The truck driver, Jimmy Belmont, gets out and enters the shed]
Jimmy Belmont: Harvey! [Harvey looks up]
Harvey Disher: Hello, James.
Jimmy Belmont: I figured you'd be here. I heard she took another blue ribbon on Sunday.
Harvey Disher: That's right. We're going to Sacramento in three weeks.
Jimmy Belmont: Now, why don't you two just get married already and make it legal?
Harvey Disher: What the hell you talking about? She's a pig!
Jimmy Belmont: Harvey, it's a joke!
Harvey Disher: Well it wasn't funny! Now I was just down in the gulch! It's all still there, James! I'm no fool! You said you'd get rid of it by Friday!
Jimmy Belmont: Relax! We've been neighbors, what, fifteen years?
Harvey Disher: Right.
Jimmy Belmont: Now, you're a businessman, right? [pulls a wad of money out of his pockets] $10,000 dollars, and I know you could use it.
Harvey Disher: This isn't about the money. It's about the law!
Jimmy Belmont: All right. I got it. You're a boy scout. [produces some extra money] Fifteen grand. Now, that'll buy you a whole lot of merit badges, and a pretty pink bonnet for your girlfriend, too. [Nadine oinks]
Harvey Disher: You keep that money, 'cause you're gonna need it for a lawyer. I'm calling Sheriff Butterfield! [He starts to leave, but Belmont speaks up]
Jimmy Belmont: Harvey, wait. Okay, you win. I'll do it. I will do it. I promise I'll get rid of it. I promise, but I can't do it tonight. Now, I need 24 hours. That's all I'm asking. One day, and it'll all be gone, guaranteed.
Harvey Disher: Okay, 24 hours.
Jimmy Belmont: Thank you, Harvey. Good man. Good pig, too!

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Shortly after his uncle's death, Randy and several cops make their way down a hallway in a hotel preparing to execute a drugs bust]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from a piece of paper] Okay. This is it. 109. [A police officer follows him to the door of Room #109. They hear a toilet being flushed] He's flushing the drugs. We gotta take him now.
Police Officer: The captain said to wait!
Lt. Randall Disher: No, no time. Let's do it. [he kicks down the door and enters the room, arousing the couple in bed] Police officers! Police officers!
Startled Woman: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: Watch her! Show me your hands! Now! Show me your hands! Right now! Hands up! Hands on the wall. [He accosts the man and pushes him into the wall]
Startled Man: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing, you son of a bitch? Against the wall!
Startled Woman: Oh, my God. Leave him alone.
Lt. Randall Disher: Tell your hooker to shut up.
Startled Man: My hooker? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm a cop. Wanna tell me what you just flushed down the toilet?
Startled Man: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: All right, Alfonso. We'll do it your way. You have the right to remain silent.
Startled Man: Who the hell is Alfonso?
Lt. Randall Disher: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a... [Another police officer arrives, and turns on the lights, revealing that Randy has handcuffed an old man, and terrorized his wife]
Woman: Oh, Bernie. Oh, Bernie. Get away.
Lt. Randall Disher: [embarrased] Um... Oh. [He takes out the note in his pocket. He turns it around, and realizes that he was reading the number #601 upside down. Unfortunately, he's also alerted the real drug dealer, whom Randy turns just in time to see running down the hall]
Police Officer: There he goes! Alfonso! Police! Drop the gun! Drop the gun!
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm, uh, I'm really sorry, Mr...
Startled Woman: His name is Bernard Garrison. He is a retired lawyer.
Bernie: I'm not retired anymore.
Startled Woman: Oh.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Randy hands Stottlemeyer a resignation letter]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, don't do this.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's effective as of noon today. So, I have, uh, nine minutes left if there's anything you need me to do quickly. Maybe some filing? [checks his watch again] That's 8 minutes and 49 seconds.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know how you feel. You screwed up. Everybody screws up.
Lt. Randall Disher: You're right. Everybody does screw up, but I am a screw-up. There's a difference. [surrenders his gun and badge] You need to sign for those.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We picked up Rivera this morning.
Lt. Randall Disher: No thanks to me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't have to worry about Garrison. State's attorney's negotiating with him. He's gonna settle, they always do. [holds up the badge and fidgets with it] Randy...son...this badge represents ten years of your life. Ten years of good work.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, I'm done. I'm leaving. Hey, I've already sublet my apartment. You remember my uncle? Uncle Harvey?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure. The farmer. The suicide.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, an estate lawyer called me last week. He left me his farm.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're kidding.
Lt. Randall Disher: I know. I was gonna...I was gonna sell the place, but, you know, after this, I'm...I'm gonna do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're gonna do what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Take it over. Run the place. Work the land.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Work the land"? What are you, Woody Guthrie? Randy, you're not a farmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you might be right. All I know for sure is, I'm not a cop.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Monk is getting off the bus
Adrian Monk: [talking to the driver] Thank you for letting me keep my bags with me. [pause] Oh, and is this where I get the bus to go back?
Bus Driver: No! [quickly shuts the door and speeds off]

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Oates wakes up Randy, who is fast asleep and listening to a self-help tape]
Man on Tape: These changes are like ripples on a pond. But is that enough? Are you satisfied being just a ripple?
Randy Disher: [muttering] No. Not a ripple.
Man on Tape: You are a tidal wave. Say it with me. I am a tidal wave.
Randy Disher: I am a tidal wave.
Man on Tape: I love and approve of myself.
[Oates starts shaking Randy to arouse him]
Farmhand Oates: Mr. D?
Man on Tape: I live in the now.
Farmhand Oates: Hey. Tidal wave! [Randy opens his eyes]
Man on Tape: And my inadequacies...
Farmhand Oates: You've got company.
Randy Disher: Who is it?
Farmhand Oates: Funny fellow. Kinda nervous.
Randy Disher: It's Monk. [He gets up and puts on a buttoned shirt] Oh, okay. Okay. I'm up. I'm up. Oh, hey. Something smells good. What's for breakfast?
Farmhand Oates: It's lunch. I've been up since five.
Randy Disher: O'clock?
Farmhand Oates: Yes, o'clock!
Randy Disher: Why? I know. Farm stuff. You should've woken me up.
Farmhand Oates: I did.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Monk is visibly uncomfortable as he watches Randy unloading hay bales off the truck for storage in the shed]
Randy Disher: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It's just, you know, everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals. Animal byproducts.
Randy Disher: Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
Adrian Monk: Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.
Randy Disher: Well, I love it. I used to come up here every summer helping Uncle Harvey run the place. I still can't believe it's all mine. It's all mine. It's my farm. I own a farm. I'm the Farmer in the Dell. [Oates arrives]
Farmhand Oates: I got that tractor running.
Randy Disher: Was it broken?
Farmhand Oates: Since Tuesday.
Randy Disher: But it's working now? Good. Good. Good man, Oates.
Farmhand Oates: You feed the jerseys?
Randy Disher: Yes. Yes, I did.
Farmhand Oates: Today?
Randy Disher: No, not today exactly.
Farmhand Oates: They gotta be fed every day! Animals eat every day! I'll do it. Jesus... [starts to leave, but Randy stops him]
Randy Disher: Oates. Oates, would you, uh, would you tell Monk what you were telling me the other day?
Farmhand Oates: About how you're not cut out to...
Randy Disher: Oh, no. No, no, no. About Uncle Harvey.
Farmhand Oates: Well, I've been working this farm for 20 years. Your uncle was a tad peculiar. Especially about Nadine.
Adrian Monk: Nadine?
Randy Disher: Uh, his pig. It was like his child.
Farmhand Oates: Old Harvey was a character. There's no denying it, but it was just him and me up here. I knew that man better than I knew myself. I could live a thousand years before I'd believe that he tried to do himself in.
Randy Disher: Monk, can I show you something?

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Randy takes Monk to Harvey's truck; which has been left abandoned by the roadside ever since the incident]
Randy Disher: This is exactly how they found it. They were gonna tow it away, but I took another look. Something just didn't feel right. I covered it up, and I called you.
Adrian Monk: I'm glad you did.
Randy Disher: Really?
Adrian Monk: No. Where was the pig?
Randy Disher: [points to a spot a short distance back up the road from the truck] She was right there on the road.
Adrian Monk: So, according to the police, your uncle was driving home, lost control of the truck, accidentally ran over Nadine, his beloved, prize-winning, 200-pound pig.
Randy Disher: She was Pig of the Year. Three years in a row.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't get a chance to...to meet her. So he hit Nadine, and then he careened off the road, and into the electric fence. Then he realized what he had done. "Oh my God! I killed the Pig of the Year!" And he was so depressed... and so overcome with grief, that he grabbed the rifle from that gun rack, and killed himself. [Randy opens the driver's side door so that Monk can get a better look]
Randy Disher: Right. That's the official version, but look at this. [points to underneath the driver's seat] Uncle Harvey kept a handgun under the seat. Why didn't he use it? It would've been a lot easier.
Adrian Monk: You think he was killed by somebody who didn't know about the handgun? Did he have any enemies?
Randy Disher: Well, I've been asking around. Two days before the "accident," he was seen arguing with Jimmy Belmont. He's another farmer. He lives up the road.
Adrian Monk: Arguing about what?
Randy Disher: Nobody knows.
Adrian Monk: People argue all the time, Randy.
Randy Disher: Okay. Okay, I know. But what about this: How did Nadine get out of her pen? She was locked up 24/7, and she wouldn't let anybody near her except Uncle Harvey.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, yeah, maybe, maybe she was drugged. Where is the pig? Maybe we could have them do an autopsy.
Randy Disher: We ate her.
Adrian Monk: [in disbelief] You ate the pig?
Randy Disher: Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn't say that...
Randy Disher: No, I'm....... See, Monk? That's why I'm not a cop! What kind of cop eats a crucial piece of evidence?!
[A Chambers County Sheriff's SUV arrives, and Sheriff Butterfield and her deputy get out]
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Mr. Disher. I've been telling you all week you've gotta fix your fence! You've got deer all over the road! [She points out a pair of deer milling around a short distance up the road] You must be the famous Mr. Monk. Disher talks about you all the time.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: You gonna clean his house while you're here?
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: He's joking. We were joking with you. Welcome to Chambers County, Mr. Monk. Got a housewarming gift for you. [hands a file to Monk] It's the case file. Complete with photos, but you're both wasting your time. It was a suicide, sure as shooting.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Lenny and me were the first ones up here. We were at the community center down the hill. There's a big dance every month. Someone heard a gunshot. We were here four, maybe five minutes later.
Adrian Monk: You didn't see anybody else?
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Nah, he was alone. I'm a hundred percent sure. The irrigation sprinklers were on. The ground was muddy. There were no footprints. By the truck, on the road, nowhere. It was suicide. Sad but true.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: Sheriff, we have to go. [Monk starts reading the file]
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: I'm gonna need that back. Uh, there's another dance tonight. You can bring it with you.
Randy Disher: Well, I wasn't planning on going to the dance tonight.
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: I wasn't talking to you. [She winks at Monk and clicks her tongue] Do something about those deer!
Randy Disher: Yes, ma'am. [Butterfield and her deputy get in their car and drive away]
Adrian Monk: Did she wink at me? I think she winked at me.
Randy Disher: There's no footprints. Monk, I'm sorry. I guess I brought you out here for nothing.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not. Maybe not. She said that somebody at the dance heard the gunshot. Check out who it was.
Randy Disher: [looks through the file for the part in question] Jimmy Belmont.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. How far away is that dance hall?
Randy Disher: I don't know. Half a mile?
Adrian Monk: Do you really think somebody could hear a gunshot from that far away? Especially if there was dancing and music playing?
Randy Disher: I don't know, but...we can find out.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Monk asks a woman selling lemonade at the square dance hall]
Lemonade Woman: Lemonade?
Adrian Monk: OK.
Lemonade Woman: I made it myself!
Adrian Monk: Oh, then, no, thank you. Were you here last month?
Lemonade Woman: I sure was! I haven't missed a dance in twelve years!
Adrian Monk: Great. Great. Did you hear the gunshot? From the Disher Farm?
Lemonade Woman: No, sir. I sure didn't. [As the dancing ends, Monk talks to another man]
Adrian Monk: Sir, did you hear the gunshot, last month from the Disher Farm?
Man at Dance Hall: No, I can't say as I did. 'Cause I didn't.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Monk is roped against his will into dancing with Sheriff Butterfield]
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?
Adrian Monk: Well... pretty long list.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[As part of their experiment, Randy stands by Harvey's truck with a rifle, and at 9:00 PM, he tries to fire, only to find that the rifle is empty. He resorts to cupping his hands over his mouth]
Randy Disher: Bang! Bang! Bang!
[Cuts to Monk, Randy, and Oates sitting around the kitchen table]
Randy Disher: I still can't believe I forgot to load the gun! I tried yelling. Did you hear anything?
Adrian Monk: No.
Randy Disher: I was standing in the middle of the road yelling "bang" for 20 minutes. I'm just glad the captain wasn't there.
Adrian Monk: These things happen.
Randy Disher: Yeah, to me. They happen to me, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Okay, look. Our little demonstration didn't work, but you might be right about Jimmy Belmont: That night, a month ago, was the first dance he had been to in 10 years, and, he was the only person there who heard the gunshot. It's pretty suspicious.
Randy Disher: Suspicion isn't proof.
Adrian Monk: You know. I'd still like to meet him. Talk to him.
Farmhand Oates: Well, it won't be easy. Belmont never leaves his farm, and he don't like visitors. But he is looking for a new farmhand.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Monk arrives at Jimmy Belmont's farm disguised as a laborer in search of work]
Adrian Monk: Ola, Senor. Intiendo que usted busca ayuda. ["Hello, sir. I see that you are looking for help."]

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[While Monk is examining the fenced off area of Belmont's farm, Belmont comes along carrying a shotgun]
Jimmy Belmont: Senor Monk.
Adrian Monk: Si. [Belmont asks him something in Spanish] Si.
Jimmy Belmont: Si?
Adrian Monk: Si.
Jimmy Belmont: I just asked if you got a squirrel in your pants. [Monk struggles to make a Spanish response] You don't speak any Spanish, do you?
Adrian Monk: Some. High school.
Jimmy Belmont: You want to tell me what you're doing back here?
Adrian Monk: No.
Jimmy Belmont: You know, there are no secrets in a town like this. I know all about you, Former Detective Adrian Monk. I heard you were dancing with Sheriff Butterfield last night. Badly. Heard you were asking about me. Well, here I am. Now, you want to ask me something, you go right ahead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy Belmont: Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Adrian Monk: You know what I mean: Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
Jimmy Belmont: What makes you think that I'd actually-
Adrian Monk: Magic Dragon. Bambalachi. Yellow Submarine. Black Bart. Doctor Giggles. Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Railroad Weed! That's right. The Devil's Parsley. Skunk, Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy Belmont: Side Salad?
Adrian Monk: You've been supplementing your income. What do you have? About four or five acres of marijuana back there? Harvey Disher found it, and he was threatening to turn you in. [Belmont cocks his shotgun] You killed him.
Jimmy Belmont: Did I? How? See, Harvey Disher's truck went off the road at 10:30pm. That's a fact. Hit the electric fence. Everybody saw the lights go out. I was in the dance hall. Half a mile away. In front of fifty witnesses. Now, you think you got enough for a search warrant? [Monk doesn't respond] Yeah, I don't, either. Not in this county. It's time you were headed home, Former Detective Adrian Monk. Front gate's that way. Go on ahead. Go on. Go. [Monk leaves]

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Oates is outside on the porch, and looks up to see Monk handcuffing himself to the grain drill]
Farmhand Oates: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Oates? Oates! Thank, God! Where's Randy?
Farmhand Oates: He's asleep. I can't help but noticing that you're handcuffing yourself to that grain drill.
Adrian Monk: I inhaled some reefer.
Farmhand Oates: I got you.
Adrian Monk: It's gonna kick in any minute.
Farmhand Oates: Okay.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I can't tolerate any drugs or medications. It's my metabolism. I don't know what...I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I might go berserk! I might hurt somebody. Oates, dude...here. Here. [Monk throws the handcuff keys to Oates] Listen, whatever happens, don't unlock me. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY! Even if I'm begging you! Oh, my God. Here it comes! Oh, God! I think it's starting!
Farmhand Oates: We're talking about marijuana, right?
Adrian Monk: UH-OH! [stands up, and starts shaking, and jumping around] RIVERDANCE! Oh! Oh! I can feel it! I'm getting hungry!
Farmhand Oates: Did you have dinner? Got some pecan pie in the fridge.
Adrian Monk: IT'S THE MUNCHIES! Oates, whatever you do, don't put anything near my mouth!
Farmhand Oates: Can do! But I gotta say, you know, I've had some experience in this area, and I don't think you're stoned at all.
Adrian Monk: No! Oh, no! I SEE LIGHTS FLICKERING!
Farmhand Oates: Yeah. They're fireflies. [The sprinklers start spraying water, and Monk gets drenched]
Adrian Monk: What was that? What was that?!
Farmhand Oates: It's 8:00! Irrigation sprinklers. [Monk suddenly calms down]
Adrian Monk: Do they come on every night all over the property?
Farmhand Oates: Every night.
Adrian Monk: Oates. I know how he did it. I know how Belmont killed Randy's uncle. Get me out of this.
Farmhand Oates: Okie doke.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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Farmhand Oates: One minute you're hand-cuffing yourself to a piece of farm machinery, sobbing like a schoolgirl, the next minute you're putting all the pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. Which is the real Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I like to think that a man is made up of many different-
Farmhand Oates: I think it's the schoolgirl.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you're probably right.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Monk sneaks into Randy's bedroom and disguises his voice as the motivational CD Randy is listening to, after turning it off]
Adrian Monk: [in a low voice] Randy. You were right. Belmont killed your uncle.
Randy Disher: Killed my uncle.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened.
[cuts to the sun rising on the horizon. Randy walks to the kitchen, where Monk and Oates are waiting for him]
Randy Disher: Morning. Any coffee left?
Farmhand Oates: Got a full pot. How'd you sleep?
Randy Disher: Well, fine, I guess. [Randy goes to the fridge, and smells the cream] Ew, it's sour. What kind of farm is this? We don't even have any fresh cream! [He walks out of the kitchen. He slaps his head. Monk glances at him to see if Randy has figured out everything that was fed to him in his sleep]
Adrian Monk: Randy, what is it?
Randy Disher: Mosquito. So, fill me in, what happened on Belmont's farm?
Adrian Monk: Not much to tell. It was a dead end. How, how about you? Any new thoughts on the case?
Randy Disher: No. [Suddenly, Randy stops with a surprised look on his face]
Adrian Monk: What? What is it?
Randy Disher: No. It's nothing. Wait! Wait. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. Oh my God! [walks over and takes a figurine pig off one of the shelves] Oh, my God. Monk, call the sheriff. I think I solved the case.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[Randy gives the Monk-fed summation on how Belmont killed Harvey Disher]
Randy Disher: It was a perfect alibi, and that is how you did it, Mr. Belmont.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: Um, I'm not following.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I don't think you're quite done. You mentioned that part about the... [imitates sprinklers running] Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Sprinklers.
Randy Disher: Yes! I'm not done yet. The sprinklers! [In a black-and-white flashback, the sprinklers go on, and the salt licks that have propped up the rear wheels on Harvey's truck melt, and the truck rolls forward] At 8:00, the sprinklers kicked on and melted the blocks of salt. [The truck runs straight into the electric fence, causing several sparks from a short-circuit] Touchdown. [The lights in the dance hall flicker] When the lights flickered, you were half a mile in front of fifty witnesses. [Flashback ends] That's the prettiest piece of homicide I've ever encountered. Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I...I guess I just...I don't know.
Randy Disher: I understand. You're in a slump. Don't worry. I've been there. Just give it time. You'll be back.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: It would explain a lot.
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: It would explain everything. Including the deer: They were licking the salt.
Jimmy Belmont: Now that is a nice story. See that's all it is. [advances on Randy to the point of getting in his face] Where's your proof? Physical proof. You don't have any, do you?
Adrian Monk: I think he's right. [Randy suddenly has an epiphany]
Randy Disher: Sheriff, do you have an evidence bag? Monk, your pen. [He takes both and walks over to the driver's side door of the truck] This truck was never touched or moved, right? [He uses the pen to remove the keys from the ignition, and then breathes air onto it, revealing a fingerprint] Yes. That's a fingerprint. See that? [to Belmont] If this is your fingerprint, it means that you were the last person to operate that vehicle. Is that proof enough?

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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[last lines; Randy is back in Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I guess I need to talk to the chief now.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, you don't need to talk to anybody. [He produces Randy's badge and gun from his desk drawer] I never sent it down. You've been sick. You had meningitis. [points at a pillow Randy is holding (Randy having been duped by Monk into thinking that he will get the summations just by sleeping)]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's this?
Lt. Randall Disher: I have, uh, I have a new technique. Go to sleep, wake up, case is solved.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good for you.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know how I do it. It just happens. What are you working on?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A double homicide in the Castro. A couple of... [Randy takes the file]
Lt. Randall Disher: Great. I'll take it. Cold case?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. [Randy takes that file as well]
Lt. Randall Disher: Good, I'll take that one, too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey...I, uh...
Lt. Randall Disher: I missed you too. [walks over to the office couch] All right. See you in a couple of hours. [yawns] Just try to keep it down a little bit. [he lies down, clutching the files to his chest] Okay.

  --  Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] - Season 5
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Monk: It's enough to make me LOL... out loud.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] - Season 5
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[Julie is seen teaching Monk about computers.]
Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.
Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.
Julie: And this is a mouse pad...
Monk: Wow! It is so rubbery!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] - Season 5
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[Stottlemeyer mentions to Agent Thorpe that his equipment is severely outdated]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're wrong about Adrian Monk.
Agent Thorpe: Am I?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. I know he's a little strange, and he can be difficult. But I can tell you of at least twelve different cases where all of the evidence...
Agent Thorpe: Captain Stottlemeyer, you're looking at a half a billion dollars worth of equipment. Are you trying to tell me your funny little friend is smarter than all of this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [smiles without flinching] Yes, I am.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] - Season 5
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[Randy sings his song "I Don't Need a Badge" out of tune and key]
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a flaw to your plan.
Agent Thorpe: What?
Stottlemeyer: The first person that attacks him might not necessarily be your serial killer. It may be me.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] - Season 5
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Stottlemeyer: This is a complete waste of time, you know that.
Agent Thorpe: Did you say something?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I said, "Monk is right, sir." I have never read one of these "psychological profiles" that meant squat, particularly if it was created by one of these gizmos.
Agent Thorpe: These "gizmos," as you call them, are going to catch our killer. Mark my words.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] - Season 5
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[When the "serial killer" makes a break for it, Stottlemeyer grabs FBI Agent Keao's custom-made PDA and throws it, catching the killer in the back and knocking him to the ground.]
Stottlemeyer: Hey! You were right, one of your gizmos caught the killer.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] - Season 5
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[A man is being pushed in on a stretcher, with bandages on his head]
Monk: HEY! I WAS HERE FIRST!
Receptionist: He has a head wound.
Monk: I have a head wound!
Receptionist: That is not a head wound, it's a nosebleed.
Monk: I happen to believe this very well might be a head wound.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16] - Season 5
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[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take part in an SFPD bachelor auction.]
Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: Sure.

  --  Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] - Season 6
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[Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama of one of Monk's past cases.]
Marci Maven: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."
[Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]
Marci Maven: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie Teeger: Is that me? [Picks up the doll.] It's a troll doll.
Marci Maven: Huh.

  --  Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] - Season 6
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Monk: It's possible-there's a chance-she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]
Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?
Natalie: Take it like a man.

  --  Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] - Season 6
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[Marci's dead dog Otto is being framed for a murder]
Marci Maven: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School"-oh, you remember that one?
Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?

  --  Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] - Season 6
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Natalie: After all, you're only human.
Monk: There's no need for name-calling.

  --  Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] - Season 6
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[last lines; Marci has sent her box of memorabilia back to Monk. He finds the troll doll]
Adrian Monk: Oh look, it's you. [Natalie finds the bobbleheads of Monk and Marci]
Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you! You're so amazing!"
Adrian Monk: All right...
Natalie Teeger: [as Monk] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. How would you like to be my new assistant? You can follow me around and worship me all day."
Adrian Monk: All right, it wasn't like that...
Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Cut it out, will you? I know it's you!
Natalie Teeger: [following him out of the room] "Oh, don't go away, I just want a little clue hug! Clue hug, clue hug, clue hug!"

  --  Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] - Season 6
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Monk: What's up, Killa?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] - Season 6
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Murderuss: What is this, good cop, demented cop?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] - Season 6
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Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1-that's the information.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] - Season 6
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Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not according to this. [produces a CD, which he puts down on the table] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
[imitates rapping]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes." Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] - Season 6
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] - Season 6
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Peter Magneri: He threatened me once-at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
Adrian Monk: He's a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3] - Season 6
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]
Arlene Boras: You don't have any...
Natalie Teeger: ...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.
Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3] - Season 6
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[Monk and Natalie leave Linda's office after interviewing her; Monk is visibly horrified]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to say it out loud. She knows how to use a shotgun; she had a motive. You saw those boxes! He was taking a lot of their clients with them.
Natalie Teeger: Wai-wait-wait, are you talking about Linda?
[They head towards the elevators]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, she's the same height as the killer. She had a key to the house.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, that's the captain's girlfriend! I still don't believe it. It could just be a coincidence, could it? [As they step into the elevator, Monk produces a tube of lipstick]
Adrian Monk: I found it in her purse.
Natalie Teeger: [reads label] Coral Peach by Runway.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] - Season 6
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[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie Teeger: What?! No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
Lt. Randall Disher: What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] - Season 6
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[Monk and Natalie are talking to Randy to see if he has any ideas on how to beat Linda Fusco's alibi]
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories, like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] - Season 6
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Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes, he, I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!
Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: How, how?
Adrian Monk: How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.
[Monk and Natalie walk away]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] - Season 6
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[Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]
Linda Fusco: Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, he does something every Wednesday.
Linda Fusco: It's Thursday.
Natalie Teeger: And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] - Season 6
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Adrian Monk: [about Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?
Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
Adrian Monk: No.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] - Season 6
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[first lines]
[Dewey Jordan breaks into a house, and Rob Sherman is waiting for him]
Rob Sherman: You're late.
Dewey Jordan: What are you doing? You said the place was gonna be empty.
Rob Sherman: Change of plans. I decided to help out.
Dewey Jordan: Well, you're the boss.
Rob Sherman: That's right. I'm the boss. [Dewey gets ready to execute the scam] Hey. Did you wipe your feet?
Dewey Jordan: Yes, I did, as you said.
Rob Sherman: Good. You can start with these over here. [Dewey walks over to a glass case containing sports memorabilia and Sherman unlocks it]
Dewey Jordan: So how does this work? I mean, when do you call the insurance company?
Rob Sherman: I won't be calling the insurance company. [He conjures a gun in his left hand]
Dewey Jordan: What's that?
Rob Sherman: This, uh, this is your gun, Dewey.
Dewey Jordan: My gun? [Sherman promptly conjures another gun, a SIG-Sauer P226, in his right hand]
Rob Sherman: This one's mine. This is the one that, I'm gonna kill the intruder with.
Dewey Jordan: Intruder? [With a loud bang, Sherman shoots and kills Dewey, leaving a small puff of gunpowder residue in the air. His wife hears the noise]
Pam Sherman: [from upstairs] Rob? What was that? Are you all right?
Rob Sherman: I'm fine, Pam. Everything's fine. You'd better come down.
[She comes downstairs and turns on the lights]
Pam Sherman: That sounded like a gun. [She sees Dewey Jordan's body]
Rob Sherman: It was.
Pam Sherman: Rob, is he-is he dead? [pause] What did you do?
Rob Sherman: He had a gun. This one! [He accidentally holds up the gun he used to kill Dewey, only to realize he's holding up the wrong one] No, wait. This one.
[He holds up the other gun, and then shoots her in the chest. Sherman then methodically goes around the room to stage the scene. He first rolls Dewey's body over to make it look like he fell facing up. Then he places the gun he used on Pam into Dewey's right hand, to frame him for that murder. After firmly positioning the gun in Dewey's hand, Sherman twists the gun and fires a shot that leaves a bullet hole in the doorframe - both to make sure there is gunpowder residue on Dewey's hand and also to make it look like he fired a shot at Sherman. Satisfied with how the crime scene now looks, Sherman sits down in a chair, takes out a phone, and calls 911, pretending to sound like he's panicking]
Rob Sherman: Oh my God. You've got to help me. It's my wife. She's been shot.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[Monk notices that Dewey Jordan wiped his feet before entering the house]
Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
Disher: You wiped your feet.
Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[Monk examines Dewey Jordan's apartment]
Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
Mr. Morissey: Oh, nine months. I should've known he was going to be trouble - always late with the rent, always coming and going. So is it true what they say? He broke in and killed the guy's wife?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[While they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you... [she stands up] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
Adrian Monk: What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]
Natalie Teeger: Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him? [points at Mr. Morissey]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He picks up the gun by fitting the screwdriver blade through the grip and examines it]
Mr. Morissey: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
Mr. Morissey: So he had another gun.
Adrian Monk: But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: ...In this particular case.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry] [Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.
Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
Adrian Monk: All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this: Here's what happened...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[Stottlemeyer leads a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Randy has a backup of the disk with the photo of Julie and Tim Sussman that prominently features Sherman and Dewey Jordan in the background]
Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo and tells Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very 
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too. [shows the mug]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, 

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's go over it again.
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK, husband Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
The Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
The Lovely Rita: Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
The Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
The Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
The Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.
Adrian Monk: That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was the wife insured?
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
The Lovely Rita: Wake up! [scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
Adrian Monk: He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Lovely Rita: You ever unbutton that top button?
Adrian Monk: Uhh...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Adrian Monk: Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they lived in different worlds. [hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]
Adrian Monk: It's not even.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!
Adrian Monk: Well they are now!
[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] - Season 6
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[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
Ridley: How old do you think she is?
Troy: 34, maybe?
Ridley: That's twice my age.
Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6] - Season 6
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[Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]
Monk: Mineral. It's a mineral.
Troy: [Pause] Is it gravel?
Monk: [Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6] - Season 6
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[Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer his reasoning as to why he would like one of the dead bank robber's coupons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you getting at?
Lt. Randall Disher: Circle of life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's The Lion King.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Randy, I'll let you have the receipt, on one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that as long as I am alive. Understood?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6] - Season 6
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We hit a wall on that West Bay Trust robbery. I wanted to run a couple of things by you. We could have done this yesterday, but you were on your little road trip. What was that all about?
Adrian Monk: Oh I was helping Dr. Kroger's kid with his homework.
Lt. Randall Disher: Troy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the kid needs a role model; somebody to look up to.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you're gonna help him find one?
Natalie Teeger: Actually, Mr. Monk did a great job yesterday. He was like a big brother, you would've been proud of him. [Randy starts sipping from his 44 ounce soda cup. Stottlemeyer grabs a pen from his cupholder and pokes a hole in the side of the cup, which starts leaking]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's do this. We've got surveillance video from the bank. [takes a VHS tape out of its case and plugs it into the TV, while Randy uses his finger to plug his cup] Here we go. [on the tape, we see two gunmen wearing ski masks walk in the bank lobby; with screaming from the terrified customers] Wednesday, 9:18 in the morning: two Caucasian males enter the Vinton Street branch. They pistol-whip Steven Connolly, the assistant branch manager. [As he says that, we see it being played out on the TV, though a railing partially obscures the view]
Lt. Randall Disher: And guess who his brother is: "Happy" Jack Connolly. Remember him?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. [On the surveillance tape, one security guard come out and fires a shot at the robbers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 9:21, it all hits the fan: the security guard gets off one round. This one, the guy in the green ski mask, gets hit, we think in the chest. [The accomplice fires a return round that kills the security guard] They kill the security guard, grab the cash. Two minutes later they're gone. Yesterday, Thursday, we find one of them in a parking lot, dead as dust. [hands them a file with a photo of the dead robber]
Natalie Teeger: From the gunshot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope, this is the other guy: Mr. Black Ski Mask. It was a heart attack; one cheeseburger too many. We found blood in the backseat, but no body, no footprints.
Lt. Randall Disher: And no money.
Adrian Monk: Double cross?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe. Or somebody else found him. Could've been some kids, hanging out, skateboarding. [Randy starts slurping from his soda again] We traced the car. Mr. Black's name was Tony Gammelobo, single, 47, lives in Daly City. [Irritated by Randy's slurping, Stottlemeyer pokes another hole in his cup] Did four years in Arizona. Ring a bell? [Monk sits down, realizing something]
Adrian Monk: He was 47? [He has a flashback to Pez trying to buy beer at the minimart, saying "I'm totally 47!"] You said there were kids?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's possible, we're checking it out. [Randy starts sipping again]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, whoever it was, they cleaned him out, wallet, cell phone, everything.
Adrian Monk: What kind of cell phone?
Lt. Randall Disher: It was, uh, we found the charger. [takes one hand off his leaking cup to pull the charger out of his pocket] Yeah it was a Motorola.
Adrian Monk: Wha-what do they look like?
Lt. Randall Disher: [plugging his cup again] I've got the same model. It's in my pocket. [Natalie pulls the phone out of Randy's jacket pocket. Monk becomes disturbed]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? [Monk has a flashback to Troy's friends using an identical phone to take a picture of the "X" at the quarry]
Adrian Monk: Uh, I-I-I-I just remembered something. I have to go.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're leaving?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I-I have to talk to Troy about something. [He heads for the door]
Natalie Teeger: I'll go with you.
Adrian Monk: No, no-no-no, this is between me and him. You stay here. I'll call you. [He rushes out of the office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. [Randy starts sipping loudly again. Having had enough, Stottlemeyer pokes a hole in the bottom of the cup, causing it to spill all over Randy's shoes]
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't care. Free refills for life. [walks out of the office, the cup still leaking heavily]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6] - Season 6
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[Two kindergarten kids want to give Harold a poster of him]
Kindergarten Teacher: They wanted to give you this. [hands Harold and Joey a poster from the kids]
Little Girl: It's a picture of you!
Harold Krenshaw: That's me, huh? [looking at the sketch of him on the poster] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!
Joey Krenshaw: I'm surprised you can stand up!
[They laugh together]
Harold Krenshaw: [noticing an unusual bridge-shaped object on the poster] And what is that?
Little Boy: The Golden Gate Bridge.
Harold Krenshaw: Really! What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge] NOW it's a bridge.
Joey Krenshaw: It's basic physics.
Kindergarten Teacher: They're only six years old.
Harold Krenshaw: They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.
Joey Krenshaw: [notices an unusual looking thing in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah! It looks like Mothra. Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey make a scene imitating the screaming from Mothra, startling the two kids]
Kindergarten Teacher: [nervously] You're on the school board?
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah. [Joey takes a call on his cell phone. It's his uncle's doctor.]
Joey Krenshaw: Hello?
Dr. Levine: Mr. Krenshaw?
Joey Krenshaw: That's right.
Dr. Levine: This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.
Joey Krenshaw: How long does he have?
Dr. Levine: Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.
Joey Krenshaw: Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]
Harold Krenshaw: That was nice. Who was that [on the phone]?
Joey Krenshaw: Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?
Harold Krenshaw: No.
Joey Krenshaw: Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial. Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7] - Season 6
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[Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search.]
Randy: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Stottlemeyer: "Tsunami"?
Randy: Silent "T".
Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Randy: What's the difference?
Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
Randy: It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.
Randy: Second letter, "P" as in...
Stottlemeyer: ..."P" as in "Paul".
Randy: No.
Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".
Randy: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
Randy: Society. We live in a society.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for 10 minutes!
Randy: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Stottlemeyer: "L".
Randy: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7] - Season 6
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Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.
Julie: How can you not like Christmas?
Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie: But it's so joyful!
Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] - Season 6
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[Monk confronts Michael Kenworthy on the roof for disrupting traffic]
Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] - Season 6
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Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] - Season 6
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Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] - Season 6
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Dr. Charles Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
Adrian Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Adrian Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Uh... 1964.
Adrian Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
Dr. Charles Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Adrian Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] - Season 6
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Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Monk: Stone mason, huh?
Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.

  --  Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11] - Season 6
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Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
Monk: Have you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?

  --  Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11] - Season 6
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Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?

  --  Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11] - Season 6
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Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.
Monk: Oh, God! Did you stop that check?
Natalie: Yeah, I already called the bank.
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.

  --  Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11] - Season 6
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[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]
Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie: No, you are not!
Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12] - Season 6
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Natalie Teeger: [spots Randy, who has frozen still as he practices to become a Living Statue] Randy? What are you doing? [no response. Natalie blushes] Hello? Are you all right? [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen] Oh, my gosh... tickle, tickle, tickle! [tickles Randy hoping that he will react] All right... [starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy's shoulder. He still doesn't move!] I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [puts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [puts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two. [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks] Our tax dollars at work.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12] - Season 6
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[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh I get it! [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[the Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]
Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
Living Statue Performer: [groans] This is my job. I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams] in your face, huh? [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sorry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
Living Statue: Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...
[his break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
Lt. Randall Disher: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that. [pause] Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12] - Season 6
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[Stottlemeyer talks to the bank employees]
Peter Crawley: Where do I start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well the gunman came in at 9:05, let's start at 9:04.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12] - Season 6
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[Monk and Natalie are conversing while waiting for Stottlemeyer and Disher on the walkie-talkie. Monk locks the doors of Stottlemeyer's new Dodge Charger]
Natalie Teeger: Speaking of cars, guess where Julie is today? Drivers' ed. She's taking her test tomorrow. She wants me to buy her a used car. Can you believe it? I don't know what to say.
Adrian Monk: Just say no. You obviously can't afford it.
Natalie Teeger: Have you ever tried saying "no" to a teenager?
Adrian Monk: How hard can it be?
Natalie Teeger: It's impossible! They're a force of nature! It's like... walking into a hurricane! [These last few words are overlapped with a transmission over the walkie-talkie]
Police Dispatcher: [over radio] All units, be advised, possible 187, Julie Teeger. Repeat, all units, possible 187. [Natalie immediately presses the communication button on the walkie-talkie]
Natalie Teeger: The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. [Natalie turns to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! What's a 187?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?!
Adrian Monk: Homicide.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! [she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, wait! Just call the Captain! Wait for the Captain!
[Natalie jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, makes a U-turn, and speeds away]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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Adrian Monk: How many Julie Teegers do you think there could be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. We're checking the phone directories.
Adrian Monk: What about children? They wouldn't all be listed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true. Check the schools - public and private - and birth records.
Detective: The whole country?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Start in California. Work your way up the coast.
Adrian Monk: What about women who are married, who change their names?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. Call Social Security.
Detective: OK. When do you want it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout now?
Detective: How about tonight?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout you get busy. [to Monk] Any ideas?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.... OK. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Adrian Monk: Any arrests?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
Adrian Monk: Julia Teeger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A history of violence and a mother obsession.
Adrian Monk: I like it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher file out of the squad room]
Adrian Monk: [to Randy] What about your other idea? You said you had two?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator? What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imitates Schwarzenegger] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, that was T-2.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] "And things of this nature..."

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Matthew's house in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know; maybe Natalie drove it someplace.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
Natalie Teeger: It's not her!
Adrian Monk: Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
Natalie Teeger: But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
Adrian Monk: But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the smashed-in hood]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek!
Natalie Teeger: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
Natalie Teeger: Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]
Lt. Randall Disher: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
Natalie Teeger: So?
Adrian Monk: So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over there, he finds a set of tire tracks. Meanwhile, Randy looks at the tear in the victim's sweater]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a bruise. It's square.
Adrian Monk: It's from a trailer hitch. [to Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He backed up?
Adrian Monk: He ran her over. This was no random accident.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.
Adrian Monk: Someone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Natalie tries to use her cell phone to contact her Julie]
Natalie Teeger: It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice. Call me when you get this! [She hangs up and she starts walking away]
Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] Tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger. [Natalie stops, and listens carefully]
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. The picture matches. It's definitely her. [Natalie runs over to Stottlemeyer's car. She is getting in just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
Adrian Monk: Natalie? Natalie?! [She speeds away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Julie is with her driving instructor. She turns onto another street, disregarding the stop sign]
Mr. Carlson: Miss Teeger, what are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Turning.
Mr. Carlson: I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]
Julie Teeger: Sorry. I didn't see it.
Mr. Carlson: I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?
Julie Teeger: Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.
Mr. Carlson: You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold on. [Julie stops] What are you forgetting? [pause] Your blinker.
Julie Teeger: Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.
[Immediately, three police cars come barreling around the corner, sirens wailing, and box Julie in]
Julie Teeger: OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of one cruiser]
Natalie Teeger: Julie! Julie, thank god!
Julie Teeger: Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?
Natalie Teeger: You have to come with us right now!
Julie Teeger: Oh my God! It was just a blinker!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Monk makes an emergency apointment with Dr. Kroger after discovering the stuffed dead body of Julia Teeger]
Adrian Monk: [grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no, happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
%
Natalie Teeger: Randy, I need to ask a favor...
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
Police Technician: Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
Adrian Monk: Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]
Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
Police Technician: This is a new low.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
Lt. Randall Disher: [through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is that we keep him talking.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ten of what?
Adrian Monk: Of anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
Lt. Randall Disher: I've heard people say that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never."

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Julie is trying to get Monk to let her take her driving test]
Julie Teeger: You were a child once, right?
Adrian Monk: Very briefly.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] - Season 6
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[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Adrian Monk: Outside.
Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?
Adrian Monk: Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!
Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!

  --  Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14] - Season 6
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[Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
Adrian Monk: Un-Googleable! End of discussion.

  --  Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14] - Season 6
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Lt. Randall Disher: [accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
Bennie Wentworth: What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
Lt. Randall Disher: $40 bucks. No way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. An eclectic spree?
Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly].
[Benny makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give him five bucks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[He takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]
Adrian Monk: I wonder what happened to his partner.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What partner?
Adrian Monk: It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike!
[Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him]

  --  Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14] - Season 6
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[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]
Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
Lt. Randall Disher: [holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more.]
Natalie Teeger: Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grabbing Natalie, and turning to the other cops] Grab that painting!
Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!

  --  Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14] - Season 6
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Monk's lawyer: Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15] - Season 6
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Adrian Monk: I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15] - Season 6
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Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Monk's lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15] - Season 6
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[From a payphone, Monk tells Stottlemeyer about how Rollins set him up]
Adrian Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15] - Season 6
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Natalie Teeger: [makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
Lt. Randall Disher: [notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Adrian Monk: OK. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, thank you.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15] - Season 6
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Adrian Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[A mover is packing Monk's belongings up]
Mover: Was he a professor?
Natalie Teeger: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Mover: Like the Car Wash guy.
Natalie Teeger: What "Car Wash guy"?
Mover: That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. He solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. His boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]
Natalie Teeger: Can I see that? [she looks at the article] There's no picture.
Mover: I guess he's modest, too.
Natalie Teeger: [reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into his office with Disher and notices Rollins reclining in his chair] Sheriff Rollins, make yourself at home.
Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5. [points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."] Male Caucasian. 5'11".
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
Sheriff John Rollins: [stands up and walks around the desk to Stottlemeyer] Well. I'll tell you what was strange: you weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer. [Rollins leaves and Randy casts a suspicious glance at his Captain]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy! I was turning over rocks. [takes out a file] Trying to get a bead on that son-of-a-bitch. [Randy looks at Rollins's file]
Lt. Randall Disher: He just bought a second house near Catalina.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this. [turns a few more pages and points to what seems to be a financial statement] He's got two offshore bank accounts. On a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy is dirty and I can smell it.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]
Natalie Teeger: It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god!
[Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you tell me?!?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! [she calms down, but is still visibly angry at him] I am so sorry.
Natalie Teeger: You're sorry?!?! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [looks at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
Natalie Teeger: That's his name!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's just stupid!
Natalie Teeger: What's he doing in Nevada?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
Natalie Teeger: He's all alone?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie.
Natalie Teeger: Randy doesn't know?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I'm trying to protect him.
Natalie Teeger: From what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins. Rollins is working for somebody. May-maybe somebody in the Governor's office.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it. I just need a little more time.
Natalie Teeger: I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.
Natalie Teeger: I promise.
[cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[Rollins calls Biederbeck as he prepares to follow Natalie]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses, cuts him off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's alive? He's alive.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Lt. Randall Disher: I can't believe it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[Natalie tracks Monk to the car wash where he is hiding]
Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]
Sheriff John Rollins: Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.
Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [to Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
Sheriff John Rollins: What was that?
Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
[He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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Natalie Teeger: [looking through Rollins's papers] No, wait. Okay, there's a check for $10,000 made out to Angel County Children's Center.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Angel County Children's Center.
[Randy types this into the field of a business idenfication program on Stottlemeyer's computer. It doesn't find any matches.]
Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation. [Randy begins to type] No, "X".
[Randy presses enter. One match comes up in his results.]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] "Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group..." [more typing] which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... [more typing] Oh my God!
[Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?
Manicurist: Sometimes.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
Manicurist: I doubt it.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[Natalie breaks out of hiding, runs through the crowd, and attempts to climb up to reach the trigger on the detonator. Sheriff Rollins's deputies seize her and drag her down]
Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Randy] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit!
Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting! [to his deputies] Arrest him! [The deputies grab Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: Get your hands off me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'M A CAPTAIN WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE DEPARTMENT! Arrest him!
Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him! [No one has paid attention to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[Stottlemeyer pulls the bomb out from under the Governor's car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Clear these people out of here! Call the Bomb Squad!
Riverton Cop: Uh, we don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think we can wait that long.
[After a few suspenseful moments, Stottlemeyer unscrews the detonator, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day. [They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here. [Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[An exonerated Monk visits Dale]
Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
Adrian Monk: And they're making you eat in the cafeteria. That can't be good. At least you won't be alone. Your old pal Sheriff Rollins will be joining you. He's talking to the D.A right now, telling him everything - about how he hired Frank Nunn to plant that bomb and then killed Nunn and tried to frame me for it. You might want to save a seat for the Lieutenant Governor as well...
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?!
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Have a good life, Dale. [turns and walks away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk turns the corner, meets Natalie, and they walk away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes you are.

  --  Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] - Season 6
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[first lines; Cassie Drake is on the phone with the niece of Joseph Moody, her patient]
Cassie Drake: So he started his new medication, and it's already made a big difference. [she listens] Yeah, he's having a very good day. [she listens] Oh, you mean today? No-no, that's fine. Yeah, well I always say family's the best medicine. 40 minutes? [she checks her watch] Okay, we'll see you then. [she hangs up as she enters the living room, where Joseph is sitting in his wheelchair] Joseph, that was your niece. They're gonna be here any minute.
Joseph Moody: You know I had a new neighbor once, and his last name was Nabors. He had a crabapple tree out in the backyard-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, they'll be here soon. We don't have much time; I need you to remember what happened in 1968. You were talking about it this morning: the Hampton Street Depository.
Joseph Moody: Crabapple, right, but you couldn't eat the fruit. It was too-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, I need you to focus. You said it was your big, big, big, big secret. Remember, you said-
Joseph Moody: You know my first car was a DeSoto? Beautiful machine. It was as big as a boat.
Cassie Drake: [looks at her watch] Well Joseph, you had your chance. [she wheels him towards the foyer]
Joseph Moody: I can't find my hat. Gregory Peck always wore a hat. [Once Cassie has reached the foyer, she starts wheeling Joseph up the stairs] What was that movie Gregory Peck was in? There was Gregory Peck, and there was the hat. It was a gift from my neighbor, my other neighbor.
Cassie Drake: Uh-huh. That's fascinating.
Joseph Moody: And guess how tall she was? 5'10" in her bare feet. And boy did she know karate. Yes she did.
Cassie Drake: Nobody cares, Joseph. [Joseph realizes he's going upstairs]
Joseph Moody: Whoa-whoa, why are we going upstairs? I never go upstairs; it's way too dangerous!
Cassie Drake: Sorry, just can't take the risk.
Joseph Moody: What are you doing?! I've gotta get my hat!
Cassie Drake: You probably don't. You don't understand anything, do you, Joseph.
[At the top of the stairs, she stands Joseph up]
Joseph Moody: What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?! Wait a minute, where the hell is my hat?! Where-[She shoves him down the stairs, breaking his neck and killing him instantly]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[A woman is watching her daughter practice Chopin's Prelude in A Major. The doorbell rings]
Mother: Don't stop honey, you sound great. No slouching! [She answers the door, and two police officers come in. She sighs warily] What is it this time?
First Police Officer: Sorry to bother you, ma'am. We had another noise complaint.
Mother: You've gotta be kidding me. From who?
First Police Officer: He wouldn't give us his name. We figure it's the same guy.
[Cuts to Natalie looking out the window of Monk's apartment]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, they're leaving! [Monk, who is sulking in the living room, comes over to the window]
Adrian Monk: Oh, finally! Is she in handcuffs? [He immediately realizes he's been proven wrong]
Natalie Teeger: I don't see her.
Adrian Monk: What?! Why aren't they arresting her?! [He walks away and sighs in defeat] The justice system in this country is a joke! [he sits on his coffee table] Oh, God! There she goes again! Natalie, you've gotta make her stop! I can't stand it; I can't!
Natalie Teeger: I still don't hear it!
Adrian Monk: You don't hear that! Are you kidding me?! She was practicing all night! I couldn't sleep; I kept reaching for the phone to call....
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger. Yeah, I miss him too.
Adrian Monk: [mournfully] Actually, I left him two messages. I still can't believe it; a heart attack? I mean, I saw him the day before! He seemed fine!
Natalie Teeger: We'll find a new therapist. Come on, there has to be someone out there!
Adrian Monk: No, there's never gonna be anybody else. The man saved my life. You didn't know me before I met Dr. Kroger. I-I was a little messed up. He wasn't just a therapist; he was..... he was Dr. Kroger.
Natalie Teeger: We'll keep looking. What about the one that my brother recommended? Dr. Beecham?
Adrian Monk: Nah. The chairs in his waiting room are too low.
Natalie Teeger: How about the man you saw yesterday? He seemed nice-
Adrian Monk: NATALIE, EYEPATCH! [The piano playing outside increases in volume] Oh come on, please, listen, you can hear that! It's even louder now!!

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk is looking for an open case file while Randy quizzes Stottlemeyer for a maritime exam by reading questions from a practice booklet]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, here's one. Before adding fuel to the primary tank-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You turn the fuel selector switch to "reserve".
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct. [Sitting one desk over, Monk finds one file]
Adrian Monk: Here, here. What about this one? Here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, those are all closed. Whaddaya wanna do? You wanna solve them again? [Monk sets the file down, obviously fatigued and tired] You okay?
Adrian Monk: Nah. I'm just tired.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you go home?
Adrian Monk: I can't! Beethoven Junior is still at it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Come on. Give me another one.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, safe water markers are usually-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Green and red horizontal stripes. [Monk wanders back over to behind Randy's desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm buying a boat next week if my loan comes through. Randy's helping me study for the maritime exam.
Lt. Randall Disher: Here's one: What does this mean? Dot dot dash ["U"].
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Morse code. You can skip it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know Morse code?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My boys were both Boy Scouts.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yep. I was an Eagle Scout! Oh hey, what am I saying? [starts tapping out something on his desk, as Monk grabs another case file]
Adrian Monk: All right, what about this case? Here? Joseph Moody? This one's still open.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, not anymore. The M.E. just called on this. Uh, it's officially an accident. [He puts the file back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His private nurse found him yesterday. He was 89 years old, fell down a flight of stairs. [Monk grabs the file again]
Adrian Monk: Stairs? Sounds suspicious.
Lt. Randall Disher: What's suspicious about it?
Adrian Monk: Are you kidding? Nine decades? Perfect health? The guy just falls and dies? I think we should check it out!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you really that bored?
Adrian Monk: Yes I am.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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Pamela Moody: I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. You're from Homicide?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, ma'am. Uh, our office has to sign off on the coroner's report. It's just a formality.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know this is a difficult time, Miss Moody. It will just take a couple of minutes. [Monk picks up a small card off the dining room table]
Adrian Monk: Real estate agents? You're selling the house?
Pamela Moody: We don't have a choice; there's no other family. Do you know someone who's interested? It's a beautiful house, and we're flexible on the price; we just wanna sell it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mmm-hmmm. Your uncle had a private nurse named Miss Drake?
Pamela Moody: That's right. We were lucky to find her. She was wonderful. [Monk is in the foyer]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Are these floors Douglas Fir?
Pamela Moody: I think so. [Disher refers to his notepad]
Lt. Randall Disher: I have her, uh, statement here. Uh, she said the accident occured at around 10:30?
Pamela Moody: That's correct. We were driving up to visit, and it must have happened just before we arrived. [Monk passes them and goes into the living room, where he looks at the fireplace]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry. Does the fireplace work?
Pamela Moody: As far as I know, yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you work?
Adrian Monk: It's so clean.
Pamela Moody: I know. My uncle was very compulsive about all that stuff. Before his stroke he was always dusting and cleaning and, polishing everything.
Adrian Monk: Huh, polishing everything. [He goes into the next room. Stottlemeyer continues as if Monk hasn't said a thing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: According to Miss Drake, your uncle was taking a new medication, Tribiteral? She said it made him disoriented. She said she went to the kitchen, when she came back, your uncle was upstairs on the landing?
Lt. Randall Disher: I-I thought he couldn't walk.
Pamela Moody: Well, he could walk some, short distances. Before she could reach him, he must have, lost his balance. [breaks down crying] They found him right there. His neck was broken.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Stottlemeyer notes that Monk is planning on buying the house to get away from the piano girl]
Adrian Monk: Just one more question: do any of the neighbors play piano?
Pamela Moody: I don't know. The walls are so thick; you can't hear anything.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk? Come here. [He pulls Monk aside] You are tired. You're not thinking straight. You're between shrinks; you can't be making any big decisions right now.
Adrian Monk: You can't hear anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look, we all miss Dr. Kroger. Go home. Get some sleep. [blushes] You can't just buy a house on some crazy impulse!
[Monk chuckles, then turns to Pamela Moody and says]
Adrian Monk: I'll take it.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[In Dr. Bell's waiting room]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you bought a house without telling me!
Adrian Monk: You would've said no.
Natalie Teeger: Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.
Adrian Monk: Why should I care what this clown thinks?
Natalie Teeger: He's a therapist! He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.
Adrian Monk: [glances at the analogue clock, which reads 10:59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving. [Natalie spots a certificate on the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N! It's a palindrome! That's a good sign!
Adrian Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Adrian Monk: It was to me!
[At the exact moment that the second hand reaches the top and the analogue clock says 11:00, Dr. Bell comes out of the office]
Dr. Neven Bell: Mr. Monk. [shakes hands with Monk] Neven Bell. I've been looking forward to this. [After releasing Monk's hand, Dr. Bell produces a wipe from a package of Wet Ones] Wipe. [Monk turns to Natalie, who gives a thumbs up. Cuts to Monk sitting in Dr. Bell's office]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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Dr. Neven Bell: Why haven't you been sleeping?
Adrian Monk: Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.
Dr. Neven Bell: Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. About a year ago.
Dr. Neven Bell: Hmmmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?
Adrian Monk: How did you know that?
Dr. Neven Bell: Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]
Dr. Neven Bell: The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk unloads his problems on a clerk while buying fixtures at a hardware store]
Hardware Store Clerk: I'm sorry. I've gotta go, be someplace else. Good luck. [He leaves, and another handyman, "Honest" Jake Phillips, approaches Monk]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, congratulations. [Monk turns to look at Jake] Yeah I couldn't help overhearing. You bought yourself a house. It's a great feeling - pride of ownership.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: You know if you want, I can drill a few more holes into that for you.
Adrian Monk: Really?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, it will just take a couple seconds. I'm the same way about my shower - very particular. My-my girlfriend says I'm "obsessive" about it.
Adrian Monk: I get that all the time.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Do ya? Here, let me give you this. [hands Monk a business card] Jake Phillips. Handyman. Answer to a homeowner's prayers right there. [Monk looks at the text underneath the telephone number]
Adrian Monk: "Honest Jake: No Job Too Small or Too Dirty."
"Honest" Jake Phillips: That's right, now hang onto that, 'cause you're moving into a new place, and if something's creaking or bulging or leaking or cracking, who ya gonna call? [pause; Jake continues in a whisper] Who are ya gonna call?
Adrian Monk: Honest Jake.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [chuckles] That's me! [moves on]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk shows Natalie around the house. They come down the stairs and then head down the hall towards the ground bathroom]
Adrian Monk: And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. That is a claw-footed bathtub, which is something I've always wanted.
Natalie Teeger: It is?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I just didn't know it. [Natalie runs her hand along the wall as they walk back towards the foyer]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I love all the woodwork!
Adrian Monk: Hey, don't touch that.
Natalie Teeger: What, wet paint?
Adrian Monk: No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, another wall, and we're back in the living room. [Natalie steps past Monk and looks around the living room]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe it! You actually did it!
Adrian Monk: Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.
Natalie Teeger: Moving?
Adrian Monk: So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts stepping from side to side, almost like she is step-dancing]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, you mean like this?
Adrian Monk: Maybe wider circles.
Natalie Teeger: Okay I'm just gonna stand over here. [walks back to the foyer]
Adrian Monk: So, whaddaya think? [Monk sits down in the other room]
Natalie Teeger: I like it. I do! I think you're gonna be really hap... [she trails off] You're gonna be... [she trails off again]
Adrian Monk: Happy!
Natalie Teeger: Happy.
Adrian Monk: I already am. I should've done this years ago.
Natalie Teeger: And you don't miss your old apartment.
Adrian Monk: Why should I?
Natalie Teeger: Because Trudy was there! And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of "not the same".
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe I've matured. [pause; Natalie glares at him] I said maybe I've matured.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I was raised in an older house. There are going to be problems; there always are. And you can't just call the super! You know, you're it! You're-you're responsible!
Adrian Monk: That's what I love about it! I have never been responsible for anything. I want to be responsible.
Natalie Teeger: You do?
Adrian Monk: I want to be part of something. Something real. Something [pounds a fist into the dining room door frame] permanent. Natalie, I'm.... home. [Natalie blushes and joins him in the dining room]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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Adrian Monk: I really appreciate this, I mean on such short notice.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Oh, I appreciate the business. [He sets down his stepladder and takes a look at an off-centered lamp in the dining room]
Adrian Monk: Well you see, it's... it's not quite centered.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Absolutely. Yeah that would drive anybody crazy. Let's take a look at this puppy, shall we? [Jake gets up on his ladder, takes a screwdriver out of his belt, and begins removing the screws from the fixture] This is gonna be easy; a piece of cake; a little walk in the park here. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna reattach its fixture to a parallel support beam. It's going to be good as new.
Adrian Monk: Oh I hope so. Be careful!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, ah, you're a little bit of a nervous Nellie, are ya? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous. [He hands a screw to Monk] Hold this. [Monk quickly grabs an evidence bag from a drawer and puts the screw in, then writes the word "SCREWS" on it, and puts the screws inside the back] Got another one coming for you here. Ah, here we go. Head's up. [Jake hands Monk the other screw, and then removes the covering. He stops, and carefully scrutinizes the wiring]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What uh-oh?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.
Adrian Monk: Wha--wha-wha-What does it mean?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Well it means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here-
Adrian Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Adrian, I'm a surgeon. It's just gonna be like taking out an appendix - a little incision, snip, snip, snip, pop over with the wire, and the fixture, a little spackle, a little paint...
Adrian Monk: Is it going to be, you know, like [imitates the sound of a drill] messy?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Nah, no way. You won't even know I was here!
[Cuts to Jake punching a large hole through the wall with his hammer, leaving the framework exposed. After hacking away a large-enough section of the wall, he sets his hammer down]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? Uh, again uh-oh? [Jake shakes his head vigorously]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I do not like the look of this. All right, we've got a little problerino. It's what we call a "glitch".
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, okay.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: You see this pipe? [taps at the one in question with his hammer] Right there? That's your primary water line. It's corroded.
Adrian Monk: Of course it is.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Almost all the way through. Could burst any time. [turns to Monk] I thought-I thought that you got this place inspected!
Adrian Monk: I did! I did!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: What, was the guy blind in both eyes? All right, listen to me, Adrian, I've gotta be honest with you, because I respect you very much: this whole section has to go...
Adrian Monk: Oh no!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: ...right here, which means this wall, that wall, and this half of the floor.
Adrian Monk: What about that half?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: That's gonna have to come up, too. But I know a great plumber. His name is Ramone. They call him "Honest Ramone".
Adrian Monk: Of course they do....
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie sitting on the stairs as Jake and Ramone continue destroying the wall]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie are sitting on the stairs as "Honest Jake" and "Honest Ramone" work]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? [pause] Well you didn't really have a choice, I mean the pipes are corroded! [more shrapnel goes flying] Oh, gosh! You know what, I've been through lots of renovations; they're always like this. I can tell you some real stories! [A large portion of wall comes down]
Adrian Monk: Well please, don't. [Ramone says something to Jake in the other room in Spanish]
Natalie Teeger: Do you wanna stay at my place?
Adrian Monk: I can't. They're almost done. [The sounds of Jake's and Ramone's tools stop]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
"Honest" Ramone: No good, huh? [Jake steps around the broken wall]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yep.
"Honest" Ramone: What?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [points to some exposed wires] Gotta find out what these are, too. They probably go up over there. [Monk and Natalie follow Jake's gaze]
"Honest" Ramone: On the other side, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, the other side. Go on. [Ramone drops his hammer, and picks up a reciprocating saw]
"Honest" Ramone: Here no cut, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, go ahead.
"Honest" Ramone: No problem. [He goes into the living room]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [to Monk and Natalie] Excuse us.
"Honest" Ramone: Right through here, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Just-just watch the molding! [Ramone puts his saw against the wall and begins drilling, and Jake casts a look of impatience. Monk and Natalie duck to avoid being pierced by the blade. As Monk is trying to scrunch up, he spots a tire track on the stairs. Meanwhile, Ramone finishes cutting, and a small block of wall falls out, creating a peephole]
"Honest" Ramone: Hey Jake, can you see me? [chuckles]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Stand up. [He looks at the tire track, then at the two stairs above that step. He follows the marks up the stairs and locates a very tiny rip in the wallpaper]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk has found evidence that proves that Cassie Drake killed Joseph Moody]
"Honest" Ramone: So, you are a, ah, detective?
Natalie Teeger: No, he's the best detective in the world.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?
[Jake comes out of the other room]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]
Adrian Monk: This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Who?
Adrian Monk: The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up [the stairs] to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So you just put that together? Just like that? [impressed] Fantastic!
Adrian Monk: And this. [pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: It's never been opened. You think she killed him?
Adrian Monk: She lied about it. There must be a reason.
[Jake briefly raises his eyebrows. Cuts to Cassie Drake bringing groceries into her house. She turns on the lights]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey Cassie. [Cassie is momentarily startled to see Jake sitting in an armchair, but casts a sigh of relief. She sets her grocery bag down on the floor]
Cassie Drake: Jake! You scared me to death!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Got your work on the night shift again, huh?
Cassie Drake: Yeah.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack, huh. [pause; Cassie sets her keys down on the kitchen counter]
Cassie Drake: How did you get in?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Sliding door. It's broken.
Cassie Drake: No it's not.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: No. It is.
Cassie Drake: [nervous] So, how's it going? When am I gonna see my share?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We--we ran into a little, "bump" in the road today. Guess who bought the house? [pause] Adrian Monk. [short pause]
Cassie Drake: I don't know him.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: He's on to you, Cassie. [Cassie puts her hands up in a defensive position]
Cassie Drake: Jake, it wasn't my fault! I didn't wanna kill him! [Jake starts to rise from his chair and pulls an awl from his toolbelt]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I know.
Cassie Drake: He would've told everybody! I really didn't have a choice!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I know. [He stabs and kills her]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Cassie Drake's house to check out Monk's suspicions on Joseph Moody]
Lt. Randall Disher: So how's the new house? [They leave the street and walk through the front facade]
Adrian Monk: I don't want to talk about it; I don't wanna think about it. Every 20 minutes it's something else, something's rusted or corroded, falling apart or about to fall apart.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well I can't wait to see it.
Adrian Monk: It's like a nightmare, except for the part where you wake up and it's all over. Why didn't you warn me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I tried to. I think we all did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you... tie me down and shoot me in the leg?! What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house? [Randy knocks on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Next time I will, I promise. [They wait, but no one responds to Randy's knocking. Stottlemeyer gestures to Randy to try again] Go ahead.
Lt. Randall Disher: [knocks again] Hello? [Once again, there is no response. He taps very lightly on the door. Stottlemeyer chuckles, realizing that Randy is sending him a message in Morse code. Monk merely scorches a look of confusion at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, did you ever hear the one about the...? [taps his knuckles against the door, giving a reply to Randy's initial message. Natalie appears amused by what they are tapping]
Natalie Teeger: That's not the way I heard it. [Stottlemeyer and Disher glance at her] My husband was in the Navy. Remember?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah right. [As he says that, Stottlemeyer knocks another message on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Drake! [He pulls on the door, which moves a few inches. He pulls open the door a little bit. They see that the house has been ransacked, and also see Cassie Drake's body on the floor]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! [Natalie instinctively flinches while Stottlemeyer and Disher head into the house. Monk follows them, putting up his hands as he begins his "Zen Sherlock Holmes" thing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Stay there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Phone it in!
Lt. Randall Disher: Stay there!
[Cuts to the medical examiner's van double parking next to two police cars parked in front of the patio, where an officer is stretching out crime scene tape. Inside, CSI techs take photos of the body as Monk and Natalie stand by. Stottlemeyer steps over the body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still no murder weapon. Doc says knitting needle. [He squats next to Monk near the armchair that Jake sat in while waiting for Cassie] Whaddaya think? He was tossing the place, she walked in on him?
Adrian Monk: I-I don't think so. Look at the drawers. They were pulled out and flipped over, but everything's just piled up. He didn't really rifle through it. He was here for her. [Disher comes out of another room carrying an evidence bag with an envelope full of money]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? Check this out. I found this in her closet. [holds the envelope up] Four grand, maybe more, all $20s and $50s.
Natalie Teeger: Geez, I should've gone to nursing school. [Monk examines the bills closely, thumbing them with his tweezers]
Adrian Monk: 1967, 1966.... [pause] These are 40 years old. Some of the serial numbers are sequential.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll call Treasury. Maybe they can trace it. Wanna come?
Adrian Monk: I can't. I should go home; see if it's still there.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk is cleaning up as Jake and Ramone continue destroying his house]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. M! Are you ready for some good news?
Adrian Monk: Yes, please! Thank you.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Ramone is getting married! His old lady said yes! [to Ramone] Ramone! [Ramone, who is cutting down a wall, gives them a thumbs up]
Natalie Teeger: Wha-what about the house?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, you know what, I'm glad you mention that. [back to Ramone] Ramone. Ramone! RAMONE! Sieste! ["Stop!"] We found some mold.
Adrian Monk: Mold?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Granted, it probably started in the bathroom, and spread from there. So what we've gotta do is we've gotta go in, and we've gotta get the mold out.
Adrian Monk: No-no-no-no-no. Please, Honest Jake, I am begging you.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Okay, okay, that's fine. If you're, you know, okay with the, uh, spores. The fungus. The bacteria. Living, spreading, eating your house from the inside-out, uh, it's your decision. It's your house. I'll go put this back.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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["Honest Jake" is using his incredibly loud jackhammer; Natalie speaks over the noise]
Natalie Teeger: JUST REMIND ME, WHY DID YOU MOVE AGAIN? OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! THE LAST PLACE WAS TOO NOISY!
[Ramone comes in carrying a box]
"Honest" Ramone: Here, I found this in the attic! Where do you want it?
Natalie Teeger: Just leave it here! [Monk and Natalie find a scrapbook and start thumbing through the pages of old news articles] "Fire Hydrants to be Painted." Look at this: "More Rain Expected." "Thursday, Garden Club to Meet." So boring! Why would you save all this?
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe..... [Jake stops his jackhammer] I have no idea.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a worker at the Hampton Street Depository]
Mr. Sutton: It was before my time, but my father told me all about it. He was in his office right up there when it happened. 1968, the day before Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I was just a kid, but I remember everybody talking about it. Is that the gate?
Mr. Sutton: Yes, sir. Three gunmen stole a milk truck, rammed it through that gate. They shot two guards and walked away with over $4 million.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] This was back when $4 million was considered a lot of money.
Mr. Sutton: All I know is, we never recovered a nickel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until today. [They produce an evidence bag with the recovered money]
Mr. Sutton: From the robbery?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Serial numbers match; we've got $4,200 there.
Lt. Randall Disher: A woman named Cassie Drake was murdered last night. We found this in her closet.
Mr. Sutton: Where's the rest of it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're working on that. I was rereading the file. They caught two of the three, career bad guys. They died in prison without ever ratting out their partner.
Mr. Sutton: I guess he wasn't a big spender.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or he was scared and dead. [The depository worker merely gives a blank stare]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the woman who died, she was a private nurse. Her last patient was a man named Joseph Moody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell?

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie notice the awl on "Honest" Jake's toolbelt, and on close examination, realize that it is the murder weapon. They turn around and see Jake pointing a Browning Hi-Power handgun at them]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. Monk, I've got a confession to make: they really don't call me "Honest Jake".
[They put their hands over their head]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie have been shackled by their legs to the claw-footed bathtub, and are trying to undo the restraints]
Natalie Teeger: You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.
Adrian Monk: Can you reach that hammer? [points to a spare hammer on Jake's toolbelt]
Natalie Teeger: I'll try. [She barely manages to stretch as far as she can to grab the hammer, which she hands to Monk]
Adrian Monk: Pull. [Still weighed down by the tub, Monk and Natalie crawl down the hall, dragging the tub with them. Monk takes the hammer, and pounds in a protruding nail, accidentally making a very small hole in the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Now what?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. That nail was driving me crazy.
[They stop to catch their breath]
Natalie Teeger: Oh God!
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: [points] He still hasn't fixed that light!
[Monk looks up at the off-centered lamp, then at the inside of the small hole he made while pounding the nail in, and he notices that the framework isn't real]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God. [he backs away] Oh my God!
[Jake pops his head out from the other side of the wall he is cutting down]
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: "Oh my God" what? Whaddaya see, hmm? [Monk and Natalie stammer] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see, huh?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is not wooden lattice work] Something there? [he realizes what it is] It's a false wall! There's a reason that light wasn't centered: because this is a false wall! [to Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. Move the furniture! [They move a table]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake?
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: It's in here! Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake! Jake! Whaddaya wanna do with your share of the money?
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He promptly draws his gun and shoots and kills Ramone without hestitation. Monk and Natalie flinch at the sound of the gunshot as Ramone's lifeless body drops to the floor. Jake reholsters his gun and continues hacking away the false wall]
Adrian Monk: This way. [He and Natalie crawl into the corridor behind the false wall. Just as Jake finishes removing the drywall, revealing numerous bundles of untouched and preserved depository money, Monk and Natalie kick the wall, and it starts to give way. Jake tries to run, but the wall falls on top of him and knocks him out]
Natalie Teeger: Is he dead? [to Jake] Are you dead?!
Adrian Monk: No, he's not dead! He's still breathing. He's gonna wake up any second now.
Natalie Teeger: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!!
Adrian Monk: Forget it, it's no use! Nobody's gonna hear you! [He still remembers what Joseph's niece said about the soundproof walls]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie have crawled across the living room to the fireplace, and Monk has handed Natalie some rags]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie Teeger: I'm calling for help. [She puts the rags into the fireplace and ignites them with a lighter] Come on-come on-come on-come on! [Cuts to the Hampton Street Depository, where Stottlemeyer and Disher are waiting by their car, when the depository worker comes back]
Mr. Sutton: You were right! Joseph Moody, worked here for nine years. Retired six weeks after the robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What a surprise.
Mr. Sutton: Actually he lived right around the corner on Beach Street. [points at it]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah we know a friend of ours who just bought that house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell?
[Camera angle changes to show that there are smoke signals coming out of the chimney]
Lt. Randall Disher: Looks like a signal. [Stottlemeyer starts to interpret the frequency of the smoke's release (which concur with Natalie opening and closing the flue) in Morse code]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dot, dot. Dot.
Lt. Randall Disher: "S".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is-is that a dash?
Lt. Randall Disher: S-O. So.... Soda. Somebody's selling soda.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Natalie! She's in trouble! [They jump in their car and speed off]

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[Natalie is emitting smoke signals to summon the police]
Natalie Teeger: Come on!
[Suddenly, Jake, his face bloodied, frees himself from under the wall. He staggers across the foyer and points his gun at Monk and Natalie, who recoil]
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and steadies his aim, and suddenly, Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in, their guns drawn, surprising Jake]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Drop the gun! [Jake complies] On the ground! Let me see your hands! [Jakes drops to the ground and Stottlemeyer jams the barrel of his gun into Jake's back as Disher hands him a set of handcuffs. Stottlemeyer then handcuffs Jake and hands him over to Disher, and they get him to his feet]
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: Good luck. [Disher walks Jake out of the house. Stottlemeyer looks at Monk and Natalie, who has collapsed into Monk's arms. He does a full 360 circle look, and finally turns back to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

  --  Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] - Season 7
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[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Teeeee.................ger."
Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words. [Monk starts to slowly tear the check out of his checkbook. He tears it out so slowly that Natalie is able to go to the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee and get back just as he pulls the check out and hands it to her] Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Um, excuse me, where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer! That was a work!
Adrian Monk: But, you said it was fun. I-I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...
Natalie Teeger: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me?! Is-is that the new rule?!
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to! I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one!
Adrian Monk: Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!!
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger: What?! Oh my God!! [screams in frustration] GOD!!!!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track-
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip. Monk and Natalie stop and turn to face her]
Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.
Adrian Monk: Can I help you?
Linda Kloster: My name is Linda Kloster, husband is Patrick Kloster.
Adrian Monk: Patrick Kloster? The chess master?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I was just reading about him. He's like some kind of supergenius, like, off the charts.
Linda Kloster: Yes, well, Patrick has an IQ of 180, four points higher than Albert Einstein's.
Adrian Monk: Well what can I do for you?
Linda Kloster: Well, it's my husband; he's gonna kill someone.
Natalie Teeger: How do you know?
Linda Kloster: He talks about it. He talks about it all the time; he says he has a perfect plan and he's never gonna get caught.
Adrian Monk: Did he say who he's going to kill?
Linda Kloster: Yes. It's me. [pause] He's gonna kill me.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! [slams the phone down]
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]
Natalie Teeger: What happened?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]
Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, Mr. Monk-
Adrian Monk: Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's go, Randy.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]
First Detective: Hey, the cavalry is here.
Adrian Monk: Can I have the room, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...
Adrian Monk: Not now.
Natalie Teeger: You can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probable heart attack.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation. [Monk crouches by the body]
Adrian Monk: Poison.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
Patrick Kloster: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?
Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was. [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lt. Randall Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
Patrick Kloster: Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
Lt. Randall Disher: [starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."
Patrick Kloster: Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[Monk tries to approach Eric Tavela, but finds that he doesn't have any $20 bills, so he turns to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Do you have any $20s? I don't think I have $20s. [Natalie scrounges through her purse]
Natalie Teeger: I have eight dollars... and an IOU for $1,800 from my boss.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie have parked outside Patrick Kloster's house, and they are reading his books]
Natalie Teeger: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her the next one]
Adrian Monk: Keep going. Here's the next one.
Natalie Teeger: Oh Mr. Monk, come on! We've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head! So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and opens the next book]
Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatiana."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds a check]
Natalie Teeger: Fine, sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [holds the check up]
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You--you made a promise to me, too.
Adrian Monk: [points to the car mirror, and sees Patrick Kloster approaching] Shhh, there he is! [Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Natalie Teeger: He's coming! What do we do? Uh, we should kiss! No! I didn't say that! I wasn't thinking, I never said that! [Patrick comes up to the car]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good. [takes a sip from her lemonade] What? He was right. I am thirsty. [Monk is looking at her oddly] What?
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine. [Monk is still looking at her oddly. She takes another sip] What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need. [Natalie promptly spits out her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger: "It just occurred" to you?! And you didn't say anything?! My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this! [She dumps the rest of her cup onto the pavement]
Adrian Monk: How do you feel now?
Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you, but I feel fine!
Adrian Monk: [offers his bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home. [She starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just stop the car!
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards Patrick's house]
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: His garden.
Natalie Teeger: His garden?!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[To confront Monk privately, Stottlemeyer claims that there is a crooked sign]
Adrian Monk: How crooked is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh it's very crooked. You're not gonna believe it.
Adrian Monk: Well why do you need me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, because I'm not sure if it is crooked.
Adrian Monk: You just said it's very crooked.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Patrick Kloster.]
Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
[She approaches Eric Tavela and begins talking to him, touching his jacket...]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: She's obviously done it before...
Natalie Teeger: Okay.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] - Season 7
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[Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered]
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here. [He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car] This is wrong. [He examines the body] This is very wrong. This is very, very-
Lt. Randall Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: No he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or... was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern. Two, two, and two. [Stottlemeyer and Disher also crouch to examine the stab marks] Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner: Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Spur of the moment. Not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoes. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she was walking she would've seen that.
Adrian Monk: So she was running when she left the building. Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here. [Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee that was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes sir. Any idea on a motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his arms] I guess you could say there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl. She broke my heart three times a week.
Adrian Monk: What is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's what?
Adrian Monk: On her fingertips. Is that paint?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it looks like it. [to a forensic technician] Hey Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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[Stottlemeyer notices Randy writing something down in his notebook]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that? [Randy shows the page to him] "It looks like her number came up."
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I heard about that.
Lt. Randall Disher: Everybody heard about it. People were repeating is; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I just need to pick the right moment.
[The medical examiner comes over to them]
Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK. [starts to sign the paperwork]
Medical Examiner: I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at him.]
Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing? That was my line, man.
Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?
Lt. Randall Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know what, he must have heard me! That's okay, look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook!
Officer Kelton: Look, I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [disbelief] Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can you believe this guy? You know, I'm gonna have your badge, Officer... [Stottlemeyer grabs him and drags him away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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Stan Lawrence: [handing the employee list to Natalie] Excuse me, I'm Stan Lawrence. I'm the station manager; here's that list you wanted.
Natalie Teeger: Great, I'll make sure that they get it. How long did she work here?
Stan Lawrence: Not long, maybe three weeks. I still can't believe it. I should've put more lights up there.
Natalie Teeger: You can't blame yourself; it was at midnight, the parking lot was empty. More lights wouldn't have made a difference.
Stan Lawrence: Thank you, officer, that's very kind of you to say.
Natalie Teeger: Oh I'm not an officer. I work with Mr. Monk.
Stan Lawrence: Is that Adrian Monk? I've heard of him. He's a genius, right? And you're his partner?
Natalie Teeger: Partner / babysitter / assistant / babysitter!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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[Natalie prepares for her first lottery drawing]
Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger: My mark?
Billy Logan: Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
Stage Manager: 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger: 90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [to himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence: They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence: You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]
Natalie Teeger: Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan: [whispering] Turn it on. [pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button]
Natalie Teeger: My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [tears up some fan mail] Seven dwarves.
[The number 32 is drawn]
Natalie Teeger: The next number.... 32. 32 teeth. [clicks her teeth]
[The number 10 is drawn]
Natalie Teeger: 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Aw crap!
Natalie Teeger: Apparently not everybody's favorite. [the number 17 gets drawn] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age. [little wave] Hi Julie! [pause] Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [pauses] You'll thank me later! [the music stops]
Adrian Monk: "You'll thank me later?" That's my line. I say that.
Lt. Randall Disher: It hurts, doesn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [tearing up some fan mail] You know I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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Lt. Randall Disher: Where were you a week ago, Monday, sir?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Uh, a week ago Monday, that would be 4, 7, 23, 35, 44, 53.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, excuse me?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: I was here, like always, watching a drawing. Three prime numbers! I did not see that one coming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you own a pair of scissors, Mr. O'Dwyer?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Of course I do. Who doesn't?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I see them, please? [Malcolm grabs his scissors and hands them to Stottlemeyer] How about some metallic paint?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Paint?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah a shade called titanium black.
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Do you think I killed Marissa Kessler?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well you do have her picture up all over the wall.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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[Monk confides to Dr. Bell that Natalie's position as a lottery hostess is interfering with her other position as his assistant]
Dr. Neven Bell: Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you any more, maybe you're afraid you're going to lose her.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.
Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue. I am putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?! [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9- I mean, how hard is that? You know a talking monkey could do her job. It's embarrassing.
Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Adrian Monk: [looks at it] Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the 9.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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Dr. Neven Bell: But I see your point about the monkey.
Adrian Monk: All I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie! If you knew her you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired!
Dr. Neven Bell: Really?
Adrian Monk: One of the crew, sound guy! There were some wires on the floor, and she was just like [snarls with the look of a mad creature] you know, complaining.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk? Look at this.
Adrian Monk: [walks over] Hello.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the other lens. [pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Adrian Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
Adrian Monk: [with an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim.
Natalie Teeger: Some other what? "Bim" what?!
Adrian Monk: [mulls it over] Bimportant person.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, do-do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]
Natalie Teeger: OK, then I guess I quit.
Adrian Monk: [relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.
Natalie Teeger: No I quit you. I quit us.
[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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[Stottlemeyer looks out the window of the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment, examining the body and the cops around it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.
Adrian Monk: Are we sure he jumped? [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brevity, the soul of wit.
Adrian Monk: But he was a writer! Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this apartment. This is the birthplace of weird!
Adrian Monk: But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win which makes him a whole lot smarter than me. [Monk picks up a contact lens case, and notices something] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: A contact lens case... with only one lens. [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: Ju-just... give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie? [cuts to Natalie signing autographs downstairs]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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Natalie Teeger: [upon noticing a bus with her image on it] I can't believe that is me up there! I can't believe that this is really happening!
Adrian Monk: I can't believe it either. [Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off the cheek on her image on the bus] I hate to bring this up, but we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell? [Natalie steps back]
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry.
[They continue up the street]
Adrian Monk: OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's uh, number 24.
[Natalie enters lottery mode again]
Natalie Teeger: 24. 24! 24!
Adrian Monk: Are you done?! [she stops]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, let's do this! What's the guy's name? No wait, who was he again? Her ex-boyfriend?
Adrian Monk: No! No the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh god.... that's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.
Natalie Teeger: But I had to shop for a dress! I can't wear the same thing every show! I had to wear the same blouse three times last week! Three! [stops and enters lottery mode] Three. Three tres. Three...
[Monk taps her on the shoulder]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Sorry. Just remind me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed. [As they approach a corner, a cab stops and the driver says]
Cab Driver: Hey! I'm a big fan!
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Cab Driver: Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"
Natalie Teeger: That's not actually my line! Mr. Monk said it first! [The cabbie speeds off, as the driver of the Toyota Prius behind him is starting to honk at him]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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[Billy Logan and Eugene Maddox have been arrested for murder]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm glad you like numbers, Billy. You're going to be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lt. Randall Disher: They won't be lottery numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: 'Cause you're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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Natalie Teeger: [accidentally trips over some cables] Excuse me! Do these cables have to be right here?
Billy Logan: Yes they do, because they carry your voice from this microphone to that soundboard.
Natalie Teeger: Well can't you move them somewhere else?! They almost broke my neck!
Billy Logan: Almost doesn't count.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. I'll do it. [She starts to move the cables. Billy comes over]
Billy Logan: What are you doing? Are you mental?! Put it down! Put it down.
Natalie Teeger: I'm taking care of it!
Billy Logan: Let go! [Stan Lawrence comes over]
Stan Lawrence: Billy, what the hell is the matter here?
Natalie Teeger: Stan, I can't work with this guy!
Billy Logan: What, YOU can't work with me?! Who do you think you are, lady?! I've been here for eight years, and you're just another untalented face!
Stan Lawrence: Billy! Calm down!
Natalie Teeger: Untalented, huh? The ratings keep going up every night! How do you explain that?!
Billy Logan: The ratings go up when the jackpot goes up! It has nothing to do with you, you moron!
Stan Lawrence: Billy! I've warned you before about your attitude. That's it. You're out of here! You're fired! Somebody call security! [Natalie turns around]
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, don't fire him!
Billy Logan: See, look, I'm moving the cable! [Two security guards seize him] Stan, please! Don't do this!
Stan Lawrence: It's too late, Billy!
Billy Logan: I'm sorry! I'm apologizing!
Stan Lawrence: Mr. Logan has been terminated. I don't want him back in the building! You make sure to get his security pass and keys. Get him out of here!

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] - Season 7
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Ray "The Machine" Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lt. Randall Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] - Season 7
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're looking for Charles Bach.
Frankie Marino: Bach?
Lt. Randall Disher: The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]
Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] - Season 7
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[Monk decides to go on welfare]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Adrian Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] - Season 7
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[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie Teeger: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] - Season 7
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Adrian Monk: I am the beast!

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] - Season 7
%
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a tough racket. I've done a little boxing myself. Light Middleweight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lt. Randall Disher: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lt. Randall Disher: And he used it.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] - Season 7
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Adrian Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist! Don't even joke about it!
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: Because I love America!

  --  Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] - Season 7
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Adrian Monk: [climbing into the submarine for the first time] I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
Natalie Teeger: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.

  --  Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] - Season 7
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Adrian Monk: We're going down! I mean, we're going down more.

  --  Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a series of continuous dives]
Adrian Monk: Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
Adrian Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
Natalie Teeger: What?!
Adrian Monk: I've got ocean... in my pants! [The camera pans down to show that the water has gotten to just above Monk's ankles]

  --  Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] - Season 7
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Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big, they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on islands before, right? You like islands. It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that: We're going to Hawaii.
Adrian Monk: I believe you are the Devil.

  --  Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] - Season 7
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[Monk confronts Whitaker and accuses him of killing Jason Pierce to protect his reputation]
Commander Whitaker: Lieutenant Commander Pierce's death was a suicide. I'll tell you how I know: because I said it was! When I'm on land, I am a decorated officer of the United States Navy. When I'm on here, I am the lord, THY GOD! I am Jehovah. [getting practically in Monk's face] Do you understand me? No one questions me! Now I've asked around, I know all about your problems, your fears, your claustrophobia. You are having a breakdown, sir. It happens on submarine all the time, to men far better than you. You are delusional.
Adrian Monk: I have my share of problems, I admit it. But when I'm on this case, I'm not delusional. [to an imaginary Dr. Bell] Tell him. [Whitaker eyes Monk like what he said about Monk having a breakdown has just been proven true] Does that sound delusional to you?

  --  Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] - Season 7
%
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
Lt. Randall Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.

  --  Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06] - Season 7
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Where are your pants?

  --  Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06] - Season 7
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[Monk and Leyla Zlatavich are at a Zemenian restaurant with hibachi type tables. As the man prepares their dinner in spectacular fashion, he catches a bit of it in his hat]
Adrian Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.

  --  Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06] - Season 7
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[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]
Natalie Teeger: She's beautiful.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.
Natalie Teeger: Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.

  --  Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06] - Season 7
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[about Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
James Novak: Like what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie Teeger: [ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie Teeger: ...Boats...
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie Teeger: ...Lightning...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Lt. Disher: Egg whites.
Natalie Teeger: Bad.
Lt. Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: I can't die until I know.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[Monk's friends and relatives describe his reaction to Trudy's murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I saw him coming apart, like those rockets that hit the atmosphere at the wrong angle... and there was nothing I could do.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]
Lt. Randall Disher: Do you, uh, have the warrant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? You've gotta be kidding! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]
Lt. Randall Disher: Found it. It was right behind this CD. [shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, just give him the damn CD!
Lt. Randall Disher: You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play, much to Stottlemeyer's annoyance] [cuts to a SWAT team - all of them armed with Heckler & Koch MP5A3 assault rifles - along with Stottlemeyer and Disher (both of them wearing Kevlar vests and carrying their own weapons) standing outside the photo studio's front door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first officer breaches the door with a battering ram, and the SWATs enter their room with their guns drawn]
First SWAT Officer: Clear! [They go into the next room] Clear!
[In the main room of the studio, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is that lipstick? That's good enough.
Lt. Randall Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
First SWAT Officer: The what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [leaves the room]
[cuts to Stottlemeyer and Disher being interviewed in Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: That was probably the low point, because we had that creep in handcuffs the day before.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We never should've let him go. But the law's the law: insufficient evidence.
Lt. Randall Disher: We put out a statewide APB on him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But we were too late.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[James Novak interviews Hal Tucker ("Mr. Monk Makes a Friend"), Jimmy Belmont ("Mr. Monk Visits a Farm"), and Joey Krenshaw ("Mr. Monk and the Daredevil")]
Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend [Gail Segalis] was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like verbal root canal.
Hal Tucker: Excruciating.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[Novak interviews Leigh Harrison, the flight attendant in "Mr. Monk and the Airplane"]
Leigh Harrison: I had Adrian Monk as a passenger from San Francisco to Newark. He'd never flown before; I don't think he'd ever been out of his house before. He asked a million questions, he cried for two and a half hours; he gave half the cabin a nervous breakdown, including me, the copilot, and about a half-dozen passengers. [takes a glass of alcohol and drinks, showing that she's been driven to drinking in the past six years] We have a support group now. We meet every month.
James Novak: Really?
Leigh Harrison: The last one was in Minneapolis! I couldn't make it.
James Novak: Why not?
Leigh Harrison: I'm afraid to fly!

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[Disher tells Stottlemeyer about how Cassandre Rank, the first victim, was killed]
Lt. Randall Disher: Apparently, she comes in, checks her mail. [points towards the door] Creep's outside. He breaks the glass; he opens the door, he comes in; strangles her with this. [holds up evidence bag containing the rope used as the murder weapon and displays it prominently for the camera]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And when you're done with that, may I see it, please?

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[Monk examines the first crime scene, and makes several discoveries]
Adrian Monk: Her lipstick?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what about it?
Adrian Monk: It's on the cup. There's some on her lips. But it's not here; it's not in her purse. What happened to the lipstick?
Natalie Teeger: He took her lipstick?
[cuts to an interview with Stottlemeyer and Disher in the Captain's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I didn't tell the press about the missing lipstick. I always hold back on a couple of key details so down the road, if we do get a confession, we'll know if it's genuine.
Lt. Randall Disher: You do it a lot, but you don't always do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I do. I always do it; I just don't always tell him.
[cuts back to the crime scene]
Adrian Monk: This was no random attack. He knew her, she knew him. Look, she comes home, she's checking her mail, she sees him through the door, she recognizes him, she's not afraid.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She sets the cup down and lets him in.
Adrian Monk: He grabs her, kills her, then he punches through the door to make it look like he had to break in. Look. [lifts up the sheet covering the body] The shards of glass from the door are on top of her body, they're all around her body, but there's nothing underneath. [Natalie turns towards the camera]
Natalie Teeger: Pretty good, huh?

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What about the door?
Lt. Randall Disher: No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a headshot of the victim]
Natalie Teeger: Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
Adrian Monk: What about her lipstick?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
James Novak: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: If you can name them, you can catch them.
James Novak: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Natalie] Natalie, do you have that picture?

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]
Natalie Teeger: There's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.
Adrian Monk: Don't look back! Why are you looking back?
Natalie Teeger: So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.
Adrian Monk: Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.
Natalie Teeger: Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?
[cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God, people actually eat here?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.
Adrian Monk: You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]
Vampire Manager: [staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?
Adrian Monk: That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.
Vampire Manager: [taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]
Adrian Monk: Why are you talking like that?
Vampire Manager: I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! [makes an "ooh" sound]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.
Vampire Manager: Yeeessss, Cassandre Rank. She was a most delictable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-
Natalie Teeger: She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]
Vampire Manager: What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-
Adrian Monk: When did she work here?
Vampire Manager: Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.
Natalie Teeger: There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?
Vampire Manager: [slipping back into character] Yeeeesssss! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectible neck, I'm sure in fact-
Natalie Teeger: She was killed too.
Vampire Manager: [breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?
Vampire Manager: I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-
Adrian Monk: All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
%
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [about Miranda Terhume, the third murder victim] Her lipstick was missing, so we were pretty sure it was the same guy.
Lt. Randall Disher: The Lipstick Assassin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nobody's calling him that, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, you're not. Now the third girl never worked at the restaurant, so the three girls had virtually nothing in common. The case was moving sideways.
Lt. Randall Disher: We didn't have any leads: who, or, where was Mr. Lipstick?
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you turn that off for a minute?

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
%
[last lines]
Adrian Monk: [roaming through newspaper headlines] "TV Writer Found Dead after Contract Dispute".
Natalie Teeger: Creepy.

  --  Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] - Season 7
%
[first lines; Sally Larkin is at a jewelry store trying to sell some of her jewelry]
Mr. Sheckman: [examining one piece] Hmmmm.
Sally Larkin: Whaddaya think?
Mr. Sheckman: It's very nice. A little too nice. You sure you don't want to take this to an auction house, maybe Sotheby's?
Sally Larkin: I can't. [smiles] I don't want any publicity.
Mr. Sheckman: Well, we might be able to find a buyer. We'll need some time, though. A week.
[Sally puts the other merchandise back in her bag]
Sally Larkin: A week? OK, I'll call you in a week then. And if you do find a buyer, let them know that I've got some other things that I'm looking to sell. A whole house full, actually. Thank you. [She starts to head for the door, but stops, petrified]
Mrs. Sheckman: You need an umbrella? [Sally doesn't respond] Sweetheart, are you all right?
[After a few moments, Sally turns to them]
Sally Larkin: Yeah, yeah. I thought I saw my husband. [blushes] I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Thank you again. I'll be in touch. [She uses her purse to protect her hands as she runs across to her car]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08] - Season 7
%
[Monk visits Dr. Climan for hypnotherapy]
Dr. Lawrence Climan: Leap... and a net will appear.
Adrian Monk: Who's Annette?
Dr. Lawrence Climan: No, a net to catch you. You're safe.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08] - Season 7
%
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar...[Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, 
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Adrian Monk: Aw, do I have to?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.
Adrian Monk: [getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?
Adrian Monk: Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?
Adrian Monk: If we find the body?
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08] - Season 7
%
[The main characters are waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house. Disher passes out pieces of gum]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? [turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Natalie Teeger: [making a face] Tar?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]

  --  Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08] - Season 7
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Monk: Bums make their own gravy.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09] - Season 7
%
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie Teeger: What's in it?
Adrian Monk: [reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09] - Season 7
%
Julie Teeger: So, why do they call you the Professor?
Natalie Teeger: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...
The Professor: I eat books.
Natalie Teeger: Oh.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09] - Season 7
%
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]
Natalie Teeger: Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?
Natalie Teeger: On your face! On your lip!
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit about a mustache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09] - Season 7
%
[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]
Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Adrian Monk: Who do you think?
"Joe Endicott": No, wait! You don't want to do that!
Adrian Monk: I don't, huh?
"Joe Endicott": No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Adrian Monk: Give me one good reason.
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
Jack Jr.: I've never hurt anybody.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Ever. I'm a con man. I'm a grifter. A lovable rogue.
Adrian Monk: A lovable rogue? People don't call themselves lovable rogues.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Lovable rogues do.

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[Jack is explaining how he escaped; but Adrian is disgusted at the part where Jack says he crawled through the sewer]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Come on, I didn't kill that woman! I crawled through the sewer, when I got to the parking lot, she was already dead!
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what-what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: I crawled through the sewer, that's how I escaped...
Adrian Monk: No, wait, go back... you crawled, through the what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: The sewer.
Adrian Monk: Wait... (whimpers) Go back.

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
Jack Monk, Jr.: Just one phone call. For old time's sake.
Adrian Monk: We don't have any old times.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Sure we do. Come on, remember... oh, remember in the hallway, when you hit me over the head with that metal box?
Adrian Monk: That was a half hour ago!
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, well it's something. It's a start.

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[Jack has used fake crying to get himself and Adrian into Lindsey Bishop's house]
Adrian Monk: I can't help noticing your fake crying looks a lot like your real crying.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Thank you.

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[As Daniel Reese closes in to kill Adrian and Natalie (who are hiding behind a log pile)]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, here he comes! Now what do we do?
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. I'm going to count to three.
Natalie Teeger: All right, okay.
Adrian Monk: On three... you come up with a great idea. [just as Reese is bringing up his gun, there is a noise, and Jack, driving Natalie's Nissan Sentra, comes crashing through the fence and hits Reese, sending him rolling over the roof of the car. Jack stops and gets out]
Adrian Monk: Paraguay is that way; the beautiful women. [points south]

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[Monk is in session with Dr. Bell]
Adrian Monk: All I ever wanted was a real family. I used to pray for one.
Dr. Neven Bell: I hate to break the news to you, Adrian, but you already have a real family. In many ways, your situation is typical; I've seen it quite often. [Monk raises his eyebrows]
Adrian Monk: There's a four state dragnet on my brother. Do you get that a lot?

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[As Jack is conning Natalie out of her money, an enraged Adrian bursts into the apartment to confront Jack about his ulterior motive]
Adrian Monk: You're not really going back to prison!
Natalie Teeger: [confused] Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: You are going to Paraguay! That's why you came to me: You couldn't leave until I cleared your name!
Natalie Teeger: I'm a little confused. He's your penpal, right?
Adrian Monk: He's my half-brother. It's Jack, Jr.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: AKA Joe Endicott.

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
Natalie Teeger: Did he kill that woman [Lindsey Bishop]?
Adrian Monk: No, but he's practically everything else. [Natalie is disgusted]
Natalie Teeger: On second thought, I'm gonna want my check back. [She snatches it from Jack and stands next to Adrian]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: He's building some orphanage in Quebec!

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[Adrian, Jack, and Natalie are leaving after interviewing Reese]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: I'm 80% sure he's the guy. [Reese immediately opens fire on them from the roof and they dive behind a tool rack] I'm 95% sure!

  --  Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] - Season 7
%
[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]
Adrian Monk: Is that a square tomato?
Sarah Longson: Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
Adrian Monk: So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?
Natalie Teeger: How does it taste?
Adrian Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Dean Berry is testing his genetically altered corn seeds]
Professor Dean Berry: What's our time?
Sarah Longson: 17:20. [The seed begins to sprout]
Professor Dean Berry: Germination complete. That is our best time yet, and that, boys and girls, is how you feed four billion people. [looks up and turns to Sarah, Monk and Natalie] We're in business. Call our investors, tell them to bring their checkbooks.
Sarah Longson: I'll set it up for Friday. Dean, this is Adrian Monk and I believe you remember Natalie Teeger?
Professor Dean Berry: Ah, yes! The woman who stole my bike.
Natalie Teeger: I didn't steal it!
Professor Dean Berry: No, that's right. I believe "aided and abetted" is the correct term. [He crosses the room to his wall safe to lock up his genetically altered seeds] I'm sorry, I have to lock these up. Would you mind turning around? [Monk and Natalie do so as Berry punches in the numbers on the lock's keypad] It's just that if somebody else sees this combination I'll have to memorize a new one and I don't want to waste the gray cells. [He unlocks the vault door]
Natalie Teeger: Look, Mr. Berry, I want to buy you a new bike. If you could just give me the make and the model number-
Professor Dean Berry: Oh that's very kind of you, Miss Teeger, but that's a bike that can't be replaced.

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Natalie promises Berry that she'll find his bike]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk here is probably the best detective on Earth.
Professor Dean Berry: He is?
Natalie Teeger: Yes sir, and I know lots of other detectives. [Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher enter the lab, along with several uniformed cops]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: San Francisco Police Department. What's going on?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, uh, we're fine.
Lt. Randall Disher: You said it was an emergency.
Natalie Teeger: [to Stottlemeyer] Somebody stole his bike.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie Teeger: Rode away.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie Teeger: Didn't come back!

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Monk is using one of the lab's square tomatoes for a sandwich]
Adrian Monk: [in bliss] I can taste the symmetry!

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Monk has been shot]
Dr. Levinson: Are you a fighter, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: [weakly] No.

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]
Adrian Monk: Am I going to need a tetanus shot after this?
Natalie Teeger: Probably not. [As they reach the porch, Natalie sees a set of bolt cutters] Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters!
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, those are nice.
Natalie Teeger: I don't see the bike. Maybe he's out riding it. [Monk peeks through the window blinds]
Adrian Monk: No, he's right in there! Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?
Natalie Teeger: The right thing. [Monk bangs on the door with his elbow]
Adrian Monk: Hello, Johnny! Open up, it's... it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [sighs] You're not in trouble! Nobody's gonna press charges! We just want the bike!
Natalie Teeger: [whispers to Monk] Try again!
[Kuramoto fires at them through the door with a Walther PPK. Monk and Natalie try to run, but one of the bullets hits Monk in the left leg, just below the knee]

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[After Monk gets shot, Stottlemeyer and Disher scramble to find Kuramoto, and late at night, they interrogate his cousin Vince]
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.
Vince Kuramoto: Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?
Lt. Randall Disher: Where do you think he is, Vince?
Vince Kuramoto: [loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I. Don't. Know. [hits the tape recorder's microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer casually puts it back upright]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. Tough guy, ehh? [produces an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet! That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight!
Lt. Randall Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: I did, it's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh for God's sakes!! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [points an accusing finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Lt. Randall Disher: For aiding and abetting!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder, which is a very very VERY long "goodbye"!! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Berry parks his ZAP Xebra at his house and sees Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher waiting for him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What kind of gas mileage does this thing get?
Professor Dean Berry: Mileage? I haven't had to deal with mileage in years!

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
[Berry sees Monk in a wheelchair]
Professor Dean Berry: Mr. Monk, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to adopt ten acres of Brazilian rain forest in your name.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I don't have to visit it, do I? Or-or water it, or think about it?
Professor Dean Berry: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Professor Berry, somebody paid that young man to steal your bicycle.
Professor Dean Berry: You're kidding!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir, apparently they paid him a lot of money. We were wondering why.

  --  Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] - Season 7
%
Adrian Monk: What's the catch?
Dr. Neven Bell: With what?
Adrian Monk: With Marge, what do you suppose she's after?
Dr. Neven Bell: Uh, Adrian-
Adrian Monk: Every time somebody wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle!
Dr. Neven Bell: Not necessarily.
Adrian Monk: How could somebody - how could anybody - love me unconditionally? I mean, come on, you met me!
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.
Adrian Monk: Then how do you explain this? There's always a catch.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]
Adrian Monk: The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.
Lt. Randall Disher: [writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name isn't Ergo, Randy.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
[Randy has noticed that Togo the Egg-Eating Robot is missing]
Lt. Randall Disher: I come here every year on my birthday. Sorta like a family tradition.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When you were a kid. [Randy stares] You meant when you were a kid. Say "yes," Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
[Monk visits Marge's house]
Adrian Monk: I love your house.
Marge Johnson: Do you? Did you grow up in a place like this?
Adrian Monk: I grew up wishing it was a place like this.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
[Monk and Natalie have gone back to Marge's house to apologize to her]
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Natalie Teeger: Just speak from your heart, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Any ideas? Anything, quick!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
Adrian Monk: What's wrong with me?
Natalie Teeger: Are you really asking or is that rhetorical?
Adrian Monk: Rhetorical.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
[John Keyes has taken Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer hostage]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Adrian Monk: Or an ex-cop.
Natalie Teeger: Or an ex-cop's assistant.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
[Last lines; Monk and Natalie have parted with Marge]
Natalie Teeger: A pirate?
Adrian Monk: It's more fun to be a pirate.
Natalie Teeger: That's good advice. Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.
Adrian Monk: What are we having?
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, chicken pot pie, with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.
Adrian Monk: Okay, you don't have to beat it to death.
Natalie Teeger: [imitating a pirate] Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, okay, how is that funny?
Natalie Teeger: It's funny.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] - Season 7
%
Bob Costas: The cat was trying to kill me!

  --  Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] - Season 7
%
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are at a tailgate party]
Adrian Monk: Who are all these people, and where are their parents?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.
Adrian Monk: But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an off-switch, right?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.

  --  Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] - Season 7
%
[Monk learns about the Condors/Wildcats rivalry]
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're Wildcat fans, Monk. It's a big rivalry.
2nd Rowdy Fan: Two years ago they put a bag of bees in my car.
Chet Walsh: Yeah, then his mom spat on my mom, then we flipped his RV! God, I love football!

  --  Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] - Season 7
%
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You used to be a fun guy.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish. Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?
Adrian Monk: Trudy died.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.
Adrian Monk: "Alive" is a funny word.

  --  Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] - Season 7
%
[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".
Captain Stottlemeyer: Does he know you?
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Only one way to find out.

  --  Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] - Season 7
%
[Monk is suspicious of Shawn Metzger]
Adrian Monk: Uh, you have a.. you have a smudge there. What happened there?
Shawn Metzger: What happened? I don't know. Do you remember every little smudge you ever got on your clothing?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I do.

  --  Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] - Season 7
%
Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody changed my life, maybe as much as Trudy did. He ruined everything. It was childhood's end, really.
Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack-
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.
Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at one o'clock, when my head is in the man's toilet.
Dr. Neven Bell: Why don't you just cancel it? Just say you're busy.
Adrian Monk: Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks! Look, what I need is a note.
Dr. Neven Bell: A note?
Adrian Monk: Yes, a note from you, something I can show Natalie, to get me out of this.
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I'm not gonna write you a note!
Adrian Monk: You don't have to write it. [pulls it out of his jacket] It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, this isn't gym class! Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. You know, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you're right. But sign the note!
Dr. Neven Bell: It's an opportunity to confront your greatest and most troubling fears, to finally resolve them! Put them all behind you! Not many people get this chance!
Adrian Monk: I see your point. I never looked at it like that. [pause] Can I have the note back?
Dr. Neven Bell: Sure. [He starts to hand the note back, but stops midway] Wait. You're not planning to forge my signature, are you?
Adrian Monk: [laughs] No! [He lunges for the note]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie park at the Brody house]
Adrian Monk: Oh god.
Natalie Teeger: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: I'm not comfortable.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. [They head towards the front door]
Adrian Monk: Not comfortable.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Natalie rings the doorbell and Monk pulls a showercap out of his lapel]
Natalie Teeger: What is that? Is that a shower cap?
Adrian Monk: Sometimes, he let me wear one.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I don't think you're gonna be needing that! [She quickly stuffs it in her purse just as Marilyn reaches the door]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Marilyn goes upstairs to fetch her husband]
Natalie Teeger: She seems nice! How bad can her husband be?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work that way! Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sakes!
Natalie Teeger: At least we know his checks won't bounce.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
%
Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: Funny crazy.
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] Sad crazy.
[long pause. Roderick is slightly confused]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick. Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [long pause]
Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... "tortured" him.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
%
[Monk and Natalie secretly convene with Roderick in a deserted parking lot]
Adrian Monk: Well, you were right. [passes Roderick a file with photos] His name is Douglas Fendle.
Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. You know, it's so dark.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35-40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We-we understand.
Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street. That's why you hired us.
Roderick Brody: You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that anymore. The woman I saw, maybe it wasn't Marilyn. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
Roderick Brody: I'm just, I'm not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. I think we're in a good place.
Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, you're in a bad place. You're in the Heartbreak Hotel. Look at the next picture.
Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a spoon?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look closer, see the reflection. Yeah. See, that's them. That's your wife. That's your beloved wife. This is killing you. It's eating you up.
Roderick Brody: I don't see it. [Natalie grabs the file from him]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? You're probably right. The bar was dark, she was across the room. We probably have the wrong girl.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what are you-
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we made a mistake!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what... Zip it. Zip it. [starts crying] This is the worst day of your life.
Roderick Brody: Are you crying? Adrian, I'm still gonna pay you. If that's what you're worrying about. [He opens his glove compartment to grab an envelope. Monk recoils when he notices a hidden revolver in the compartment] Oh, what, the gun? Don't worry about it; I have a permit. We live in uncertain times. [gives the envelope to Monk] For your troubles.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie are retracing Marilyn Brody's route. Monk has tried to get information from a doorman]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't you feel bad? Even a little? I mean, if you're right, this could destroy their marriage!
Adrian Monk: You're the one whose always talking about karma! "What comes around goes around"! Isn't that what you said?
Natalie Teeger: That isn't what I meant!
Adrian Monk: Of course it is. Of course it is. [spots a bar just across the street] Ooh, that looks promising. Come on.
[Monk and Natalie walk into an upscale bar and take seats at the counter]
Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Hi, um, we're looking for this woman. [flashes a photo of Marilyn]
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: OK. [Monk pulls a dollar bill out of his wallet and puts it on the counter] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory? [He waves his hand over the dollar bill as if attempting to perform a magic trick]
Bartender: Is that a dollar?
Adrian Monk: [slowly winks] Okay, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... [puts a quarter down] ...
Barfly: Hey. She's right over there. [Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" and her lover at a back table]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god, it's true!
Adrian Monk: This is going to kill him.
Natalie Teeger: [looks over her shoulder] He's actually kind of cute!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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Adrian Monk: I get to tell him, OK. That's the deal. God, I can't wait to see his face! [Monk pulls out his old camera]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...........what is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
Adrian Monk: It's a birthday gift.
Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: Is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it! [looks around his surroundings] Okay, I have three pictures left. Oh, there's not enough light. So--so... [takes out a flash cube]
Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube?
Adrian Monk: [pops cube into place] Bingo. Hold this. Hold it. [He then stands a spoon on its handle and polishes it with a wipe while Natalie holds the camera for him]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror. [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself, muttering under his breath]
Natalie Teeger: [whispering] Hurry up! Take the picture!
[Monk repositions himself, and the flash fires. Monk and Natalie wince their eyes to counteract the brightness of the flash]
Barfly: You like that spoon, huh? [Natalie turns to him]
Natalie Teeger: Sir, um, would you mind taking our picture, please?
Barfly: Madam, I would be honored. [Natalie smiles and hands him Monk's camera]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, thank you! Here you go. It's ready to go!
Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself. A gift from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: And, sir, if you wouldn't mind standing right.... there. [She positions the businessman to just the right angle] Okay. Can you see us?
Barfly: I got ya.
Natalie Teeger: And if you could stand right there. [She repositions Monk accordingly, checking behind them] Right? And on the count of three: One, two, and THREE! [As she says "three", the camera flash goes off and Monk and Natalie dive out of view]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Natalie shows up at Monk's apartment with a grocery bag]
Adrian Monk: Okay it took you long enough. Did you get it? [He pulls out a box containing a digital camera] Oh yeah. Is it a good one?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Well it looks good. [Looks at the woman on the box] She looks happy with it.
Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please. [Monk sits down at his dining room table]
Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
Adrian Monk: Built-in? Excellent! [takes a scalpel and slowly cuts an incision into the sides of the box]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery.
Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by eight o'clock. We can follow her all day.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, uh, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but I can't help you anymore.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: I--I--I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us!
Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.
Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.
Natalie Teeger: No! No! That is just crazy talk! [She marches forward and switches off Monk's table lamp]
Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk!
Natalie Teeger: Pro bono comeuppance?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said! He wants you to quit!
Adrian Monk: I wanted him to quit! I begged him to quit 40 years ago, in stall #3! [He starts looking at the digital camera] Oh yeah. [Natalie's cell phone rings]
Natalie Teeger: Hello? [sighs] Yes, he's right here. [She listens] The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there. Okay, what's his name? [She gasps] Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: [looks up] What happened?
[Cuts to Monk, Natalie and Randy standing in Fendle's hotel room]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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Lt. Randall Disher: His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but let's move on. [looks at his notebook] Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions... [he looks up at Monk] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure. [He looks around the scene as Randy continues reading from his notes]
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation. She didn't even know he was here.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8:00 or 9:00 PM last night. [pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases] He was stabbed three times.
Adrian Monk: Ouch. [Natalie glares at him disapprovingly]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too. I think you're right- [Natalie pulls him aside and leads him into the other room]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute, please? Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
[Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
Natalie Teeger: Well he said he didn't believe us!
Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
Natalie Teeger: Well that's horrible. A man is dead.
Adrian Monk: I know, and that's murder in the first degree, and you know what that means: prison swirlies.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Monk and Natalie are in Douglas Fendle's hotel room]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*!
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Adrian Monk: Hi...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was downstairs doing a little Dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk blushes] Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
[Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Know what? What, you know this guy? [Gestures towards the body]
Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
Natalie Teeger: [overlapping Monk's words] No, [we] don't "know" him; never met him face to face.
Adrian Monk: Never formally introduced. Sort of.... [Natalie gestures to indicate "following" with her fingers] We've been following him.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party... [Monk cuts her off]
Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down a name and address in his book] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]
Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I've got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
Roderick Brody: Yeah, well can I at least call my wife?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well we've already called her. She's on her way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...
Roderick Brody: Yeah, but it wasn't my wife. The woman you saw in that bar, it wasn't Marilyn. It couldn't have been.
[Monk stands up and paces in front of Roderick]
Adrian Monk: Well I told you about your wife and Mr. Fendle and then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roderick.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, skipping ahead, um, eight o'clock last night?
Roderick Brody: I told you. I was at home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.
Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roddy? You look a little... flushed. [pause] Get it?
Roderick Brody: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Neither do I.
Lt. Randall Disher: Flushed?
Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, Monk? We'll take it from here. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'll bet the room is just swirling all around you. Just swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. [pulls out an index card] "Your thoughts are overflowing..." [Natalie pulls the card from his hand]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Marilyn has shown up at the police station]
Marilyn Brody: I'm sorry baby.
Roderick Brody: Oh, thank god. Marilyn, you've gotta tell these guys about what we did last night.
Marilyn Brody: Yes, I know what you want me to say but... I can't lie for you after what you did.
Roderick Brody: What?
[Marilyn steps closer to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Marilyn Brody: The truth is... I was in love with Doug Fendle. Last night, I told Roderick the truth, I tried to...
Roderick Brody: What are you talking about-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Brody, let her talk. [to Marilyn] What happened?
Marilyn Brody: And he got furious, he was screaming. He said he was gonna kill Doug and then he left.
Roderick Brody: What are you doing?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Mr. Brody! What time was this?
Marilyn Brody: 7:30. And he left for 2, 2 1/2 hours. When he came back... he was bloody.
Roderick Brody: Marilyn!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Brody!
Roderick Brody: This is ridiculous!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take him down. [He and another officer have to restrain Roderick] Have a seat. Sit down!
Lt. Randall Disher: It's okay. Go on.
Marilyn Brody: When I came downstairs, he was by the fireplace. He was burning his clothes.
Roderick Brody: That is totally insane! She is lying to you!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down.
Marilyn Brody: He gave me this, and told me to get rid of it. [She produces a steak knife wrapped in a handkerchief]
Adrian Monk: I'm going to step outside for a moment, and get a little fresh air. [He leaves]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Natalie has found Monk in the park and Monk is trying to do a cartwheel]
Adrian Monk: You know how I feel? Liberated. I should've confronted that S-O you-know-what years ago! B. I still can't believe I won.
Natalie Teeger: You know, Mr. Monk, I don't think anyone really won anything.
Adrian Monk: You're right. Except me. I won big-time.
Natalie Teeger: Are you gonna start singing?
Adrian Monk: You know I almost could. You know what I am gonna do? I'm gonna do a cartwheel. [calls out] I'm gonna do a cartwheel. You might want to step back. It's my first cartwheel. I'm gonna do it right here. [He puts wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man's been stabbed to death.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
Adrian Monk: This is no time for cartwheels. [starts to pick up his wipes] On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this! I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again! I'm doing the cartwheel! [puts them back on the ground] My God, it's ghoulish! One man dead, another going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul!
Adrian Monk: What is a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it! [tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "Whee" while you're doing it. Gotta say "Whee"- [He grabs Natalie by her right arm]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, no, thank you.
[Monk stops, having been transfixed to a police officer's holstered gun]
Adrian Monk: Oh no.
Natalie Teeger: What is it? What happened?
Adrian Monk: Brody. He had a gun.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have broken into the Brody house just in time to stop Marilyn's evil twin from drowning her]
Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, uh, that works too. [Stottlemeyer handcuffs the twin]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life.
Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm gonna need that shower cap back.
Natalie Teeger: OK.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] - Season 7
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[Torini is at a backroom in Bangkok talking to some drug dealers. He's taken the ringleader's watch]
Karl Torini: [to the ringleader] I'll trade you: your watch for [cups his hands, and when he opens them, a little chick comes out] this chick. [Unimpressed, the ringleader pulls out a gun and points it at Torini's head and speaks something in Thai]
Translator: He says, "give it back".
Karl Torini: Awwww! Don't you like chicks! [hides the chick. The ringleader says something more threateningly]
Translator: He says he will make this bullet dissappear in your skull! Where is the watch?
Karl Torini: That's a good question. Why don't you ask him? [points to one of the other henchmen, who has suddenly acquired the ringleader's watch. He hands it to Torini, who then hangs it over the barrel of the ringleader's gun. The ringleader puts his gun away and produces some bags of heroin] How much?
Translator: 70 kilos. It is our biggest shipment yet.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15] - Season 7
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[Torini and Tanya are rehearsing for Torini's next show]
Karl Torini: Applause, applause, applause. [holds out a birdcage] Different music cue, show them the cage. [The cage pops and vanishes] It's gone. Oohs and aahs from the audience. That's when you bring on the cabinet. [Tanya wheels on a cabinet] You wheel it on. Turn it around slowly. Let them get a look at it.
Tanya Adams: Like this?
Karl Torini: You open the cabinet. [opens the curtain to reveal that it's empty] Nothing inside! You step in there-[Kevin comes in and Torini sees him] Who's there? [Kevin raises his hand] Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15] - Season 7
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[At Kevin's funeral, Monk and Natalie are looking at a photo of Kevin]
Adrian Monk: That's a nice picture.
Natalie Teeger: I took that picture.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Natalie Teeger: Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.
Adrian Monk: Ha, well, you did it.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, I had to Photoshop it.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15] - Season 7
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[Experimenting with one of Torini's knives, Monk checks to see if it's a real knife or not by using it on Natalie. She immediately yelps as soon as the blade contacts her]
Natalie Teeger: OW!
Adrian Monk: OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.
Natalie Teeger: All right, I won't.
[Monk notices something nearby]
Adrian Monk: What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly Torini's voice comes booming over the loudspeaker]
Karl Torini: [over the speakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you know.
[Monk and Natalie spot a machine producing fog in the other room. After a few seconds, the camera angle switches to show that Torini has magically popped into existence behind them. He clears his throat, and they both turn around]
Natalie Teeger: How did you do that?
Karl Torini: Misdirection, Ms. Teeger. The secret to every illusion - making the audience look where they shouldn't be looking. [faces them] For example. [conjures a coin out of thin air]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15] - Season 7
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Lt. Randall Disher: [Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?
Vendor Al: We use "meat". [makes air quotes with his fingers]
Natalie Teeger: Wh- why do you say it like that?
George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.

  --  Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] - Season 7
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[about two murdered tourists]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, well, they were tourists. Probably German.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? Why do you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they were German.

  --  Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] - Season 7
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Lt. Randall Disher: [examining the bodies of two dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they look pretty quiet.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?

  --  Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] - Season 7
%
Adrian Monk: [in an unsanitary hot dog factory] I was buried alive once.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I remember.
Adrian Monk: I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.

  --  Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] - Season 7
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[Harold opens a city hall meeting by speaking about the late Councilwoman Eileen Hill]
Harold Krenshaw: As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.

  --  Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] - Season 7
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[Harold is trying to figure out the identity of Monk's new therapist]
Harold Krenshaw: I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.
Adrian Monk: I can't tell you. It's privileged information.
Harold Krenshaw: No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.
Adrian Monk: Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.
Harold Krenshaw: Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".
[Natalie promptly spits water in Harold's face]
Natalie Teeger: Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!

  --  Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] - Season 7
%
Kim Kelly: It's $1000 per week.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.

  --  Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1] - Season 8
%
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Her former costar, Steven Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me'."
Steven Dorn: That is a figure of speech.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "'She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck.'"
Adrian Monk: Did you say that? Why would you say that?
Steven Dorn: Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

  --  Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1] - Season 8
%
Samuel Waingaya: Can you reach into my pants?
[Long pause]
Monk: Yes...

  --  Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2] - Season 8
%
Natalie Teeger: Are you trying to impress that girl?
Lt. Randall Disher: What girl?
Natalie Teeger: The CSI tech. You think that's a quality she's looking for in a man? Do you think she's saying, "Why can't I meet an attractive 30-something nonsmoker who's oblivious to the stench of rotting flesh?"

  --  Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2] - Season 8
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[at a laundromat]
Adrian Monk: Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. There are your whites.
Samuel Waingaya: My whites, excellent.
Adrian Monk: Your off-whites. Your off-off-whites. There are the primary colors, red, yellow, green, blue, and that's indigo. Left socks, right socks. I've labeled them for you.
Samuel Waingaya: But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.
Adrian Monk: Well, I don't like to judge people, but that's wrong.
Samuel Waingaya: So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?
Adrian Monk: $200.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2] - Season 8
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Laundry Customer: Excuse me, are you using all the machines?
Samuel Waingaya: That's right.
Laundry Customer: But they're empty.
Samuel Waingaya: That is the pre-wash cleansing cycle.
Laundry Customer: The pre-wash what?
Samuel Waingaya: The cleansing cycle. If you are going to live here, you should learn some of the customs. [to Monk] Did you see that, with the finger? What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: That means "We're number one" and we should hurry.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2] - Season 8
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[At the hotel the morning after Monk and Natalie see the UFO]
Oxygen Women : Hi, is this the lobby?
Natalie Teeger: It's right over there.
Oxygen Women: What's going on here, is there a loser convention in town?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, somebody saw a flying saucer.
Oxygen Women: A flying saucer?
Adrian Monk: I know.
Oxygen Women: The image I saw was a clearly Class IV Intergalactic Doomfreighter. Flying saucer? They're coming for the oxygen. [pulls an oxygen mask out of her trunk and puts it on] Have the negotiations started yet?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, we haven't heard! [to Monk] I'm going to call the repair shop to see if the car is ready.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, dial fast, dial like the wind!

  --  Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] - Season 8
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Natalie Teeger: You just walked around rearranging spoons and plates and sweeping up crumbs. Couldn't you have at least tried?
Adrian Monk: I tried. I smiled. I smiled a lot.
Natalie Teeger: You were wincing!
Adrian Monk: That's my smile. That's how I smile.

  --  Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: [lost in the desert] You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played!

  --  Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] - Season 8
%
[Monk has gone to the sheriff's office in Vintonville to report a UFO sighting]
Sheriff Fletcher: You saw a UFO?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I didn't say that.
Sheriff Fletcher: Oh. So, uh, was it an object?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: Uh, could you identify it?
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Sheriff Fletcher: And it was flying.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.

  --  Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] - Season 8
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[The sheriff has been shot and he and Natalie are stuck in the hills. They hear howling]
Natalie Teeger: I'm going to ask you if that was a coyote, and you say "no." Was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: No.
Natalie Teeger: Really, was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: Yeah.

  --  Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] - Season 8
%
[The Sheriff's been shot]
Sheriff Fletcher: One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.
Adrian Monk: All right, Natalie and I will go.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.
Adrian Monk: All right. Natalie and I will stay here.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he can't walk.
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.
Adrian Monk: Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.

  --  Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] - Season 8
%
Monk: I'm whacking somebody else in Pasadena later. I already bought the bullets.

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
Adrian Monk: [to a nearby couple at an outdoor cafe, after he shoves Harold Krenshaw] What the hell are you looking at? Finish your Shirley Temple!

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
Adrian Monk: [looking at a glass of iced tea] Looks like BM.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's iced tea.
Adrian Monk: Heat it up.
Lt. Randall Disher: So, you want tea?
Adrian Monk: No, I want warm iced tea!

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
Adrian Monk: [looking at a photo of Frank DePalma] Oh my God! It's me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your twin!
Lt. Randall Disher: That's your doppelganger. They say everyone's got one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who says that?
Lt. Randall Disher: People... and their doppelgangers.

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
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Monk: [Undercover as Frankie DePalma, a hit man] Frankie don't dance.

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
[Lola has learned that "DePalma" has a new girlfriend]
Lola: What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]
Lola: Teegerb?
Adrian Monk: With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. it's French Canadian.

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
[Stottlemeyer's reaction when Monk uses a variant of Natalie's name in conversation with Lola]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb."

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
[Monk is run through Frank DePalma's biography by Agent Stone]
Agent Stone: You were born and raised?
Adrian Monk: 829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]
Agent Stone: Your first arrest?
Adrian Monk: October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]
Agent Stone: Your first contract kill?
Adrian Monk: November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
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[Monk and Natalie enter Stottlemeyer's office]
Natalie Teeger: Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
Adrian Monk: [from outside] Sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
[Monk comes into the room]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]
Adrian Monk: "I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.

  --  Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] - Season 8
%
D.A. Charles Friedken: Now, did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Friedken, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5] - Season 8
%
[Monk squeals through clenched teeth when trying to describe Evan Gildea's nude sculpture]
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: Could you read that back, please?
Court Stenographer: "Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."

  --  Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5] - Season 8
%
Harrison Powell: Do you really want to go up against me again, Former Detective Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yes I do. I'll see you on the ball field.
Harrison Powell: The ball field?
Adrian Monk: I've seen your curveball. I can hit it now.
Harrison Powell: Oh, I'm really looking forward to this.
Adrian Monk: No, you're not.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5] - Season 8
%
Natalie Teeger: You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.
Adrian Monk: I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm proud of you, man. Your'e getting back on the horse.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's a good note.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Adrian Monk: Did I do that?
Natalie Teeger: Just a couple times.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: More than a couple of times.
Adrian Monk: I'd better write these down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are no timeouts.
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No do-overs.
Natalie Teeger: No heavy, heavy, sweating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no, no, no.

  --  Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5] - Season 8
%
[Hannigan goes to Callie Esterhaus's hotel room and presents her an engagement ring]
Callie Esterhaus: This is probably the best night of my life. I could die right now! I really could!
John Hannigan: Funny you should say that. [promptly throws Callie over the balcony railing. She screams as she plunges to her death]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]
Adrian Monk: This is the men's room?
Gilson: Mmm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: How long has this been going on?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
Adrian Monk: I just went to the bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
Adrian Monk: It was magical.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Natalie believes that critic John Hannigan killed Callie Esterhaus]
Natalie Teeger: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy is not present in Callie Esterhaus's hotel room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where the hell is Randy?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?
Natalie Teeger: The morning edition comes out at midnight! They're gonna review Julie's play!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]
Lt. Randall Disher: We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]
Miranda: Maybe his name began with a J?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you just write that down?
Lt. Randall Disher: I put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
Natalie Teeger: "A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]
Adrian Monk: I thought you threw that out!
Natalie Teeger: I bought another one!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!
Natalie Teeger: Look who's talking!
Adrian Monk: That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.
Natalie Teeger: How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!
Natalie Teeger: He broke my little girl's heart! [snatches the newspaper from her]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Julie's a tough kid!
Natalie Teeger: He called her forgettable!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
Miranda: Did she know Callie too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Gilson has been brought into the hospital]
Adrian Monk: Can we talk to him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: He's-He's my men's room attendant.
Natalie Teeger: It was John Hannigan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh no-
Natalie Teeger: It had to be him. He worked at the theater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]
Adrian Monk: Nicotine gum?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.
[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]
Adrian Monk: Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: [hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Monk has explained how Hannigan committed the murder]
Natalie Teeger: [raising her hand, seriously] Excuse me. May I say something? [Monk nods. Natalie dances around, poking Stottlemeyer and Disher] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! [After a few seconds, she stops]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
%
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Hannigan's office]
John Hannigan: Captain, I hope this is important. I have a deadline in 37 minutes. Make that 36. [Natalie comes in] Her again? Do I have to get a restraining order? It was just a review; get over it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hannigan, this is not about the review or what happened to Callie Esterhaus. This is a completely different matter. [A rather nervous Julie comes in]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
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[Julie has told all about how Hannigan attempted to rape her]
John Hannigan: I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, how did she get your business card? She said you gave it to her.
John Hannigan: I don't know! I was home! I don't know this girl.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
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[Natalie hands Monk a check to recruit him to investigate]
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Natalie Teeger: A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.
Adrian Monk: Oh, this check's no good.
Natalie Teeger: That's sweet of you to say, but...
Adrian Monk: No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Natalie Teeger: Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
Natalie Teeger: You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
Adrian Monk: I might ask you the same question.
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Your check was bad first!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not! There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
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[Monk is ironing his magazines when he gets a phone call]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry to call you so late.
Adrian Monk: Are you all right?
Natalie Teeger: I'm down at the police station.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing there? [Cuts to Natalie sitting in handcuffs at a table outside the holding cells]
Natalie Teeger: I've been arrested.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] - Season 8
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[As Coach Chauncey is encouraging Petey Cunningham, Martha Murphy is power-walking past the field]
Coach Chauncey: Looking good, Martha! You wanna play? We could use a center-fielder.
Martha Murphy: You trying to kill me, Chauncey?
Coach Chauncey: Don't talk like that; you're gonna outlive us all.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. We caught a weird one. I mean this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: [noticing a new layout in the squad room] What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning: on Friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power-walking past a Little League field when a twelve year old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room? Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, uh, broken it down into five units. It's actually working out-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay-okay-okay. Get this: yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house; they're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they find? I mean, in 30 years of law enforcement, it's the darnest thing-
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't quite get: What was the problem with the old layout? I mean the way it used to be was the way it always has been.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out what really happened to Martha Murphy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it, yet.
Lt. Randall Disher: What, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? It's not funny. I used to laugh about it, too.
Adrian Monk: About what?
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo. Black magic.
Adrian Monk: Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff.
Natalie Teeger: Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know-
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day, Right? So maybe the killer was waiting, behind that tree with a baseball gun.
Natalie Teeger: A baseball gun? There's no such thing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but there are pitching machines.
Natalie Teeger: All right, how would your baseball gun killer-
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good name for him actually.
Natalie Teeger: How would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [no response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [mimics hitting his head with a ball]
Natalie Teeger: With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Natalie Teeger: Was she that strong?
Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher: Yeah she exercised.
Natalie Teeger: I think voodoo's looking better and better.
Adrian Monk: All right, let's be rational. We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything.
Natalie Teeger: Except voodoo.
[Disher takes a call on his cell phone]
Adrian Monk: I don't understand. Did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?
Natalie Teeger: I don't wanna talk about it!
Lt. Randall Disher: We'll be right there. [hangs up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: There's been another doll.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[The team meets a police sergeant at an apartment]
Sergeant Steiner: Hey, Lieutenant.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this a crime scene?
Sergeant Steiner: I don't know, I think so. I don't know what the hell this is.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just tell them what you told me. [Steiner produces a newspaper article headlined "Lightning Kills Golfer"]
Sergeant Steiner: Okay, remember this from a few days ago? There was thunder and lightning, the guy kept golfing? Remember how you said what a jerk the guy was and how he single-handedly proved Darwin's theory?
Adrian Monk: What about it?
Sergeant Steiner: Well the guy's name is Ralph Farris, okay? This is his place. He doesn't have any family, so this morning the super comes in and starts packing up...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And what?
Sergeant Steiner: And this. [shows them the second doll]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
%
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at the doll sent to Ralph Farris]
Natalie Teeger: There's a lightning bolt coming out of its head?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's his neck. [They use a set of tweezers to unfurl the paper lightning bolt] No you're right, it's his head.
Natalie Teeger: Now do you believe me?

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
%
[Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Reverend Hadley Jorgenson's Voodoo Boutique]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
Lt. Randall Disher: Lucky bath crystals.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Incense powder. [looks at another potion] Money powder. "Guaranteed to cure all financial woes."
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you should buy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I can't afford it. [He looks around the store a little more and finds a red bottle of potion; he reads the label] Cupid's Arrow.
Lt. Randall Disher: Love potion. [Stottlemeyer dabs a little Cupid's Arrow onto his cheeks and his neck] It's not working.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher question Reverend Jorgensen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen? My name is Leland Stottlemeyer-
Lt. Randall Disher: So is mine. We'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your merchandise.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [turns to those waiting in line] Uh, we're gonna be a while. Thank you.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: I've been talking to you guys all week, and I'm all talked out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's unfortunate, because there was another incident, yesterday.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you sell this doll? [produces an evidence bag containing the doll sent to Robert Boyd]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Probably. Looks like mine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you're three-for-three because all three dolls came from your shop.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Give me a break. I can't be responsible for how my dolls are used.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, uh, did you take out this advertisement? [produces a full-page newspaper advertisement that says "Reverend Jorgensen's Voodoo Boutique: Home of the Killer Voodoo Dolls"]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Yeah. There's nothing wrong about it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could be a motive.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: A motive?
Lt. Randall Disher: Publicity. You seem very busy around here.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: You think I killed all those people for publicity? How? How did I do that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Jorgenson does a cleansing ritual on Natalie]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Mr. Monk, if you would be so kind as to reattach it's head. Here's some adhesive. [He hands the two materials to Monk as he adds ingredients] Some witchgrass. Some coltsfoot. [He adds Mandrake root] Ah. Mandrake root. Smidgen more. [Adds a little more] All I need now is the doll. [Monk continues trying to get the doll's head centered]
Adrian Monk: Okay, one second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: Almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It's symbolic, really.
Adrian Monk: There we go.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: The forces of darkness are gathering.
Adrian Monk: Hold on.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect!
Adrian Monk: Wait a second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: One second, almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Doesn't...
Adrian Monk: Wait one second.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please, just let him finish!
Adrian Monk: Hold on...
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: She's suffering, Mr. Monk! It doesn't have to be... okay, that's close enough. [grabs the doll from Monk]

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Natalie accidentally drinks the potion]
Reverend Jorgensen: What did you do?!?
Natalie Teeger: What?
Reverend Jorgensen: Did you drink that?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you said it was ready.
Reverend Jorgensen: You're supposed to rub it on your neck. What, are you mental?
Adrian Monk: What do we do?
Reverend Jorgensen: What? 911. 911! 911!
Adrian Monk: Another chant?
Reverend Jorgensen: No! Call 911!

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Jorgensen and Monk are waiting for the ambulance]
Reverend Jorgensen: Maybe we should induce vomiting?
Adrian Monk: No! No. No, no, no, no, no. Let's call that plan never-do.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[Stottlemeyer notices that Monk is less superstitious about voodoo than Natalie is]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking out the window] She's shaking her head.
Adrian Monk: It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]
Adrian Monk: Heart attack.
Lt. Randall Disher: Victim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.
Adrian Monk: Why's that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case...
Lt. Randall Disher: He's real superstitious.
Adrian Monk: So I see.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-
Lt. Randall Disher: Same as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer:' "Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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[The police station is swarming with activity. A detective drops a box on Stottlemeyer's desk as Stottlemeyer talks on the phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no-no, no toche la muneca ["Do not touch the doll"], you understand me? Do not touch la muneca! Don't touch anything! [he listens] Look, we'll have an officer there in 20 minutes! [He hangs up and turns to Monk] I told the Mayor not to go public; now we've got fifty copycats out there, half the town is getting voodoo dolls in the mail and all of them want a squad car in their driveway!
Adrian Monk: Yeah but these are the four; the only four that count. [He walks over to a bulletin board containing photos (from left to right) of Natalie, Martha Murphy, Robert Boyd, and Ralph Farris, with each person's respective doll being placed underneath their head shot] The same wrapping paper, same handwriting. That's strange: he doesn't write the address on the boxes. He uses these labels. [He scans the address labels]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the damndest thing, huh?
Adrian Monk: What about the victims? Is there any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. No, the FBI's been running their names all day. There's no connection, oh and here's some more bad news: our primary suspect - our only suspect - is not gonna fly. [He takes down a surveillance photo of Jorgensen]
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, the guy who was selling all the dolls?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen. He's got an alibi for all three victims.
Adrian Monk: And now Natalie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And now Natalie. How's she doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, scared to death. I just talked to Randy; she hasn't gotten off the couch all day. Now he says she's wearing one of those plastic dog funnels around her neck!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that can't be good.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] - Season 8
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Lt. Randall Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie Teeger: Are you crying?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] - Season 8
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Lt. Randall Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] - Season 8
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Harold Krenshaw: Here's what happened...

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] - Season 8
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Harold Krenshaw: We need your strength, Neven. Your guidance. You're the beacon. you're the light that will see us through our darkest hour.
Rhonda: So, Harold, how is it up there in Neven's butt? You lonely? Getting scared of the dark?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] - Season 8
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[Natalie finds an important letter from Monk's HMO]
Natalie Teeger: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: It's from your HMO.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Don't open that.
Natalie Teeger: It says "important."
Adrian Monk: All the more reason--just throw it out.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe it's good news.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good news from my HMO. What do you think--I won a free colonscopy?

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: We have to find a phone and call the police.
Harold Krenshaw: There's not enough time. It takes the police four minutes and 20 seconds to get here. Don't ask.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] - Season 8
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Voice: Hands up! Any final words?
Natalie: Yes, I have something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk!

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: Why did the captain want to see me again?
Natalie Teeger: I told you. It's a double homicide in Marin County.
Adrian Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie Teeger: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You said triple. All right. What happened, did someone get better?

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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Natalie Teeger: I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!
Adrian Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie Teeger: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Adrian Monk: You are so cruel.
[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's all there is [of him].
Natalie Teeger: But he's all... squished!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.
Lt. Randall Disher: We've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: That's not funny!
Uniformed Cop #2: Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [more laughter]

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher track down Richard Meckler at a public demonstration of the Laser Vac Self Cleaning Vaccum, advertised on a sign as the first of its kind]
Richard Meckler: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Richard Meckler. I'm a patent attorney. Now I must hear a thousand bad ideas every year. And believe me, I've met every nut job in northern California. But when Kurt Pressman walked into my office five months ago with this invention [pulls off a canvas to reveal the vaccum], the world's first self-cleaning vaccum cleaner, I just knew I wanted to be a part of it. Let's bring Kurt on up right now; he can tell you all about it. [Pressman gets up from his seat and goes up on stage] Kurt Pressman, ladies and gentlemen.
Adrian Monk: Self cleaning vaccum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk.

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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[The team is searching Bradley Foster's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, but do I have to remind both of you that two nights ago the guy who lived here got torn apart in a trash compactor?
Natalie Teeger: I bet he was "surprised"!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.
Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna get you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, and T.K. are recreating the murder of Richard Meckler]
Lt. Randall Disher: A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. [pause] They're called dartarangs.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: How do you know they're called dartarangs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [whispers to T.K.] Just nod your head and say maybe.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Maybe.

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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[Monk and Natalie are being followed by a Cadillac Escalade]
Adrian Monk: We're being followed.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys okay?
Natalie Teeger: We're being followed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it a black SUV?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nevada plates?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.

  --  Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] - Season 8
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[Stottlemeyer warns Monk about how working with both Natalie and Sharona is dangerous]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're gonna have a breakdown. I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it's only gonna get worse.

  --  Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] - Season 8
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[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to Perry Walsh's ninth floor apartment. Natalie wants to take the stairs and Sharona wants to take the elevator]
Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? [bangs on the elevator call button] Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk up four flights!
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child!
Natalie Teeger: He's not a child!
Sharona Fleming: I did not say he's a child! I said you're treating him like a child!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I'm being supportive!
Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive! You're enabling him- [Monk, pacing back and forth, interrupts]
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we're gonna do: we're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [cuts to Carolyn Walsh opening the door to find Monk, Natalie and Sharona sweating and almost out of breath]

  --  Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] - Season 8
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Natalie Teeger: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona Fleming: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie Teeger: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona Fleming: Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona Fleming: Really? What did you do?
Natalie Teeger: I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. [blushes] I'm not kidding! I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage!

  --  Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] - Season 8
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[Monk and Natalie are in the law firm's waiting room. Monk is reading a magazine]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: Not now. [Natalie grabs the magazine from him]
Natalie Teeger: You paid her $20 a week more than me!
Adrian Monk: She had a kid!
Natalie Teeger: I have a kid!
Adrian Monk: Her kid ate more!

  --  Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] - Season 8
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[As Monk, Natalie and Sharona travel across the golf course to find Perry Walsh, Sharona can't help but notice that Natalie always refers to Monk as "Mr. Monk"]
Sharona Fleming: Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Natalie Teeger: Me neither.

  --  Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] - Season 8
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[Sharona surprises Stottlemeyer]
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me, I'd like a lodge a complaint against one of your officers.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What did he do?
Sharona Fleming: He hasn't written or called me in five years.
[Stottlemeyer looks up and sees Sharona standing in the doorway]

  --  Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] - Season 8
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[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]
Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
Adrian Monk: ...Yes. [referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11] - Season 8
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lt. Randall Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11] - Season 8
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[DeWitt has nearly tried to kill Shelby and Monk is telling Stottlemeyer about this]
Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11] - Season 8
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Natalie Teeger: [examining a painting] Could be a lover?
Adrian Monk: How do you figure?
Natalie Teeger: Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: [about Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11] - Season 8
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Natalie: It's not too late to back out.
Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.12] - Season 8
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Monk: I don't know how you do it.
Randy: What's that?
Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Randy: Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.
Monk: What happened?
Randy: One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
Randy: [yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.
Monk: Yeah, good night.
Randy: See you in the morning.
Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Randy: Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival].
Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?
Randy: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Randy: [shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.12] - Season 8
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Disher: I'm taking four kids camping this weekend. It's going to be so much fun. Everybody's going to get a badge.
Monk: Almost everybody.
Disher: Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Stottlemeyer: Eh, no.
Disher: Do you have plans?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Disher: You're not feeling well?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Disher: Well, I hope you feel better.

  --  Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.12] - Season 8
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[Disher and other cops are looking over a burned corpse found in Colin Park]
Lt. Randall Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: [dry-heaving] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lt. Randall Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any I.D. at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: [grimacing] You need fingers for fingerprints.
[Stottlemeyer arrives at the scene]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak." [to patrol officer] How you doin'? [singing to himself] "And I finally found the happiness I seek..." [to another patrol officer] Hey, there, Kevin, you look good! You losing weight? Good deal. [singing to himself] "When we're up together, dancing cheek to cheek..." [to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I smell ribs!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grimacing] It is ribs. You're in a good mood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a great mood. I'm getting married in nine days.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[about his fiancee, T.K. (the "T" stands for Trudy)]
Stottlemeyer: Listen, are you all right with this? I mean, about her name...?
Monk: Oh, sure! I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates" (a butterfly orchid and a crocus, respectively), then turns to Monk and matches him with a pen]
Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.
Natalie Teeger: It's plastic.
Joy: Mmm-hmm.
[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]
Adrian Monk: I love it.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[TK has called off the wedding.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Guess I'll be taking that ring back.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm gonna hold on to it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over. I happen to be an expert in this area.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's gonna work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?
Adrian Monk: Trudy used to say it - my Trudy. Besides, I'm not sure if I can open my hand.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his song that he will sing at Leland and T.K.'s wedding] "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Natalie Teeger: Sounds a little bit like "Light My Fire".
Lt. Randall Disher: What part?
Natalie Teeger: The words. And the music. Why don't you just play "The Wedding March"?

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[T.K. stops by Stottlemeyer's office and sees the board with crime scene photos from the burn victim]
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Oh my God, is that a person?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah it was a person. They found it in Colin Park.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Who is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't know.
Adrian Monk: They took his wallet, and everything's burnt.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we'll be lucky if we can get a DNA match.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Stottlemeyer and T.K. accompany Stephanie Briggs out of jail after she has spent a day in the holding cell for speeding]
Stephanie Briggs: I thought I was gonna have to dig my way out!
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: She would not dig her way out; she was afraid she'd break a fingernail.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I ask you a question?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah, sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell were you thinking? You were doing 75 miles an hour in a residential neighborhood.
Stephanie Briggs: It was an emergency, Leland. I had to get to the caterers before they closed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, it's just a wedding! It's not worth getting killed over!

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Monk is at the crime lab fussing with the mixed flower arrangements]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the evidence is over here! Randy, go get him. It's a mixed arrangement! They're supposed to be mixed up! [Randy grabs Monk and leads him over to the part of the table where the evidence from the burn victim is] Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, we know he was "flammable". That's pretty much it.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Monk is holding Leland's bachelor party at his apartment]
Adrian Monk: Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First Cop: Uh, there's nothing on it. [The pizzas have been ordered "extra plain," with absolutely no cheese or sauce on them!]
Adrian Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First Cop: Not even cheese?
Adrian Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. [puts an apple juice container on top of a coaster] All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hallway, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door, only to discover that the bathroom space has been taken up by a port-a-potty]
Second Cop: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom!
Adrian Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: [reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says, 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster! And you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Monk breaks out the booze]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well gentlemen, here's the situation: We've got twelve bottles, which is 144 fluid ounces, which is enough for each of us to get a little sleepy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or for one of us to get good and polluted.
First Cop: Designated Drunk! Hey, I love the idea!
Lt. Randall Disher: [volunteers] I'll get drunk.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Monk has chosen the movie Bachelor Party for entertainment]
Adrian Monk: Read it. [Stottlemeyer reads from the box]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Shocking, shameful"-
Adrian Monk: That's for you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "...sinful..."
Adrian Monk: Go on.
Captain Leland Sottlemeyer: "And the party hasn't even begun yet."

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Disher, drunk, staggers into the party]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey! Hey! Who belongs to the Crown Vic out front?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it green?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's, like a, uh, charcoal gray, with flames on the side. And on the roof and on the windshield.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Flames on the windshield-there's flames on the windshield?
Lt. Randall Disher: "Flames on the windshield"? [Everyone runs out of the apartment leaving Randy alone, looking at the TV] Hey, I like this movie. [cuts to Monk and the others reaching the street, where they find Stottlemeyer's car on fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! Hey, that's my car!

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: You're not going to even ask him?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again!
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, how you guys doing?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height! Think how cool that would look!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I have some news. I just got off the phone with Ralph Toplyn from the FBI. They ran the prints; the clerk's name is Martin Kettering.
Natalie Teeger: Kettering. I know that name.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's a wanted fugitive. He's been on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for 12 years. He was in some ecoterrorist group called the Earth Avengers.
Adrian Monk: I remember. They blew up a bunch of condos in Denver.
Lt. Randall Disher: Which killed two security guards and a fireman. This whole group - Kettering and three others - they've been on the run ever since.
Adrian Monk: Is he the burn victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got the DNA test back. It's definitely him.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Stephanie has just taken back Leland's tuxedo bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm gonna find him - the guy that scared her off - I'm gonna find him, and him and me are going to have a long conversation that kind of involves a lot of punching. [Monk straightens up]
Adrian Monk: Affinity, the flower shop. That's where she got the flowers?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: Leland, that's where Martin Kettering worked. When was she arrested?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A week ago, Tuesday.
Adrian Monk: That's the night Kettering was killed. Where did they pull her over? [Stottlemeyer stands up in realization]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Colin Avenue, a mile from the body! [He and Monk head out of the office. Downstairs, Stephanie Briggs has just exited the building when Monk and Stottlemeyer burst out the door behind her and stop her] Stephanie! Do you have a minute?
Stephanie Briggs: Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. It really can't.
Adrian Monk: You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you before that? You never said.
Adrian Monk: Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance on Stephanie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?
Stephanie Briggs: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?
Stephanie Briggs: Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what I know: I know that we're going back inside. We have a few things to talk about.
[Stephanie produces a Kahr K9 handgun from the tuxedo bag]
Stephanie Briggs: Okay not today, Leland.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[Monk and Stottlemeyer have been taken hostage by Stephanie Briggs, one of the fugitives from the Earth Avengers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll bet you a week's pay that that [gun]'s a .9 millimeter.
Adrian Monk: That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it doing with my tuxedo?
Adrian Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Stephanie Briggs: Just shut up.
Adrian Monk: I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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[As Stephanie Briggs is forcing Monk and Stottlemeyer into her car at gunpoint, T.K. comes running up to Stottlemeyer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just go home. We have nothing more to say, just go home.
Adrian Monk: He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]
Stephanie Briggs: In that case, you're coming with us. Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie has turned out to be]
Adrian Monk: Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.
Stephanie Briggs: Oh, it's not, huh? [She fires a live round into the air, but fails to see the slide lock back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's empty now. [produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]
Stephanie Briggs: Ow! That hurt!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Absolutely.

  --  Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] - Season 8
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Adrian Monk: You polished the bullets.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, they might get a infection. God, we're funny together.
Natalie Teeger: We are.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] - Season 8
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[Stottlemeyer is doing the roll call and morning announcements to the detectives]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is back. Back where he belongs. [Monk stands up and reads from a notecard]
Adrian Monk: Seventy years ago, Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again..."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you don't have to say anything.
Adrian Monk: Thank God. [sits down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, our first order of business is the Pick Axe Killer.
Lt. Randall Disher: The Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they used pickaxes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer! Okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're moving on. Now, I don't have to tell you how important this case is but we have caught a break. We have a witness - a woman who lived down the hall from victim #5 has given us a description of the killer.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] - Season 8
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Detective Jones: Now that, gentleman, is what you call a real woman.
Detective Louis Doyle: No doubt about it.
Adrian Monk: You can tell. No Adam's apple.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] - Season 8
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on, Monk, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What... what is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's outside.
Adrian Monk: What... what is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's you not getting beaten up.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'd like to see that.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] - Season 8
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[Monk has captured Mikhail Almonov]
Sergeant Danny Weaver: Nice work, detective.
Adrian Monk: Former detective.
Sergeant Danny Weaver: Former former detective.
Adrian Monk: Former former former detective.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] - Season 8
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[Stottlemeyer and Disher know that Monk is at Officer Russell DiMarco's wake]
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't see him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's here somewhere. Separated the fruit salad.

  --  Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] - Season 8
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Trudy Monk: It won't be much longer...

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] - Season 8
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Doctor: [to Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] - Season 8
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Monk: Randy, I'm not pregnant. Just dying.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] - Season 8
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Dr. Matthew Shuler: Now, you're going to feel normal for a while and then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [disbelief] Vomiting?
Dr. Matthew Shuler: Followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [still in shock] Vomiting?
Dr. Matthew Shuler: And then death.
Adrian Monk: Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] - Season 8
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Judge Ethan Rickover: His name is Adrian Monk. He'll put two and two together eventually and this case, two and two equals me. It would get rather personal. He'd come after me, try to kill me. He'd probably succeed. Because... twelve years ago, I killed his wife.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] - Season 8
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Trudy Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am...

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - Season 8
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Trudy Monk: [on a farewell message] If anything happens to me, Adrian, I just want you to know: you are not just the love of my life. You are my life.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - Season 8
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Judge Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?
Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - Season 8
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Natalie: [to Monk] Trudy sent you a gift. She sent you someone to love. It's what you've been missing.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - Season 8
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[Randy is on the phone with someone]
Disher: All right, I'll call you later. [hangs up]
Stottlemeyer: Who was that?
Disher: That was the Deputy Commissioner.
Stottlemeyer: Deputy Commissioner Patrick Watson?
Disher: Yeah, that's right.
Stottlemeyer: You said, "I love you."
Disher: I do... love him. I think he's doing a great job. Why? Why? You don't think he's...
Stottlemeyer: No, I think he's doing a fine job. I don't tell him that I love him.
Disher: Well, maybe you should. It's just common courtesy.
Stottlemeyer: It's not common courtesy.
Disher: Well, I think you're doing a great job. I love you.
Stottlemeyer: All right, Randy, I'm sorry I asked. When you're ready to tell me what's really going on, don't.

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - Season 8
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[last lines of the series following up on the first episode of the series]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Monk: Just checking to make sure the stove is off.
Natalie: Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.
Monk: I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - Season 8
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Monk: A Tribute
Sam Axe: You know, a couple of my FBI buddies were telling me about this guy up in San Francisco who was really cleaning up the streets... and, of course, now I know that they meant that, um... literally.
Shawn Spencer: Monk? Sure, I know that guy! I went parasailing with that guy.
Burton "Gus" Guster: No, you didn't.
Shawn: I built sand castles with him.
Gus: No, you didn't.
Zach Nichols: Monk is masterful. I have a picture of him on my refrigerator. I sit at his feet.
Marshall Mann: Like an actual monk, he embodies the realization of his true nature.
Mary Shannon: ...What?
Shawn: We were roadies for Husker Du together...
Gus: No, you weren't!
Hank Lawson: I invited Monk out to the Hamptons! But he hates sand... the sun... and the ocean, so I don't know if it's gonna work out...
Zach Nichols: Well, I tell you, I'm glad he's on our side. Because can you imagine a criminal that is so neat that he doesn't leave behind any hairs or fibers or fingerprints?
Shawn: He's basically my partner in crime-solving.
Gus: That's me, Shawn!
Shawn: ...I'm sorry, who are we talking about again?
Gus: Adrian Monk!

  --  Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] - TV Spots
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