[first lines]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Spring. The birds are singing; the flowers are blooming; the sun is warming the Earth. Somewhere. Not here. It's 30 degrees out; it snowed nine feet last winter; and four frozen sodas just exploded in my truck. Welcome to Patience, Colorado.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] The answer's simple. It's nighttime. I'll just break into that kid's house and kill him. I'll say one thing about whiskey. It's allowing me to make smart, rational, decisions.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] That means there are more people in this town who can see me as an alien than there are slices of pizza. Humans have a term for this: "Bad luck" and "raw deal" and "this is some bullshit".

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] To say my species is more advanced than humans would be a massive understatement. If the universe had a scale for intelligence, humans would land right below lizards.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have work to do.
Asta Twelvetrees: The autopsy's done. What work do you have to do at 8 o'clock at night?
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] I strangled and drowned a guy four months ago, and I have to search the lake for his bloated corpse before some fisherman finds it.
[out loud]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Just stuff.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: This is when you're supposed to ask me about my childhood.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Why? I don't care.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to kill you.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Wait, did you just call me a lizard?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. I compared you to a lizard.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
[the doctor is searching in the snow for wreckage from his ship]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voice over] I was taught that the biggest problem with the human race was their need for a connection. We always saw that as a weakness. But now I realize it may their greatest strength. In 1884 the local mine caved in.
[Flashback to 1884 at the entrance to the mine]
Harry Vanderspeigle: When the miners escaped, they realized there was one man still trapped.
Miner: There's still one in there?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Fifty-nine men went back into the compromised mine, risking their own lives to save him.
[Scene returns to the present]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Fifty-nine died to save one.
[finds a piece of debris from his ship]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Maybe there's something redeemable about the human race after all.
[determines that the debris is part of the device he intended to leave on earth]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Unfortunately for them, It's too late. It's only a matter of time before I find the rest of my device. And when I do, I can finally complete my mission, and kill them all. Every single one of them.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Wait, please don't tell me that you're leaving.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Okay, I won't.
[leaves]

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Feel free to come by... if you ever stop being a weirdo.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Weirdo? That's not good. Now, I have to meet her over there and prove to her that I fit in, that I'm normal, like them. But first, I'm going to cut Sam Hodges' brain out of his head and squish it in my hands.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
[Harry is experiencing his first hangover]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [narrating as he's exploring a glacier, looking for his lost technology] . Whiskey: headache, nausea, severe dehydration. Alcohol must not affect humans the way it does us. If it did, they'd obviously would never drink it.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
[Harry is using his smart phone to look up words that the sheriff and Jay used that he is unfamiliar with]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [typing] Douche... bag. A small syringe for douching the vageena. Images.
[shudders as images appear on his phone]
Harry Vanderspeigle: . What the hell!
Harry Vanderspeigle: [looking up another word, typing] Taint.
[images appear, and he throws his phone aside in disgust]

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I've never been into town before. It's just too risky. Plus, there's no pizza place and the internet said that parking was a nightmare.

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
[Asta has just pulled Harry away from Sam's body while he was examining it in the middle of Sam's funeral]
Harry Vanderspeigle: I know how he died.
Asta Twelvetrees: What?
Harry Vanderspeigle: His windpipe; he needed air. It's the only thing that would explain what happened. He tried to give himself a tracheotomy. He couldn't do it in time.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, that makes sense. But I don't get it. Why would his throat close up?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Because Sam Hodges was poisoned. And one of the people here is the murderer.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [both look dramatically at the mourners gathered around Sam's casket] Kung-kung!

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Alright look, that's one creepy son of a bitch, right? That ain't just me, right? Y'all see that, right?

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
[Harry is at The 59 with Asta. D'Arcy is their bartender]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [looking at pick axe and shovel mounted on the wall] Why are the walls covered in old mining equipment?
D'Arcy Bloom: You are new, aren't you?
[shouting to other patrons]
D'Arcy Bloom: The 59!
Bar Patrons: [shouting back] The 59!
D'Arcy Bloom: Died to save one. Town motto. Maybe stick around long enough, and find out what it means.
[D'Arcy hands a shot of whiskey to Asta and Harry, raises her own shot]
D'Arcy Bloom: To the 59, and to finding the bastard that killed Sam.
Asta Twelvetrees: I'll drink to that.
[All three down their shots. Asta and D'Arcy wince appreciatively]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [Harry gasps and shudders] Wow. What is that?
D'Arcy Bloom: That's our local whiskey. Pretty great, huh?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No! It's awful.
[Asta laughs]
Harry Vanderspeigle: . Why do I want more?

  --  Pilot [1.01]
%
Gerard: How long do you think I have?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Do you like Christmas?
Gerard: Yes. Very much.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Celebrate it before June.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: This kid is a menace. He just won't give up. Where was that effort from the humans when we were helping them build Stonehenge? A bunch of idiots just sitting around drinking mead, making us do all the work. Lazy druids.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] All beings in the universe are different. For instance, my people are brilliant. Humans, on the other hand, are so dumb that they think the leading cause of death is heart disease. It's not. It's almond milk. Even the gray aliens won't touch the stuff. Despite their differences, there is one truth that connects all beings. Life doesn't ever go as planned.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I discovered that woman does not have cancer. I also discovered that "tit" is not the preferred term for "breast".

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: Hey, I know the sheriff can seem kind of mean sometimes, but he's just a teddy bear... with severe control and anger issues.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You can look at me, Max. I don't bite.
[whispers]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Actually, I do.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, it appears that you are in excellent health. Concerning your breath, did you recently eat a dead rodent?

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I was hungry and wanted a quiet place to eat.
Asta Twelvetrees: This is Sam's chicken from the refrigerator!
Harry Vanderspeigle: He is not going to eat it.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Kate Hawthorne: [in a fantasy of Harry Vanderspeigle's] I'm glad my husband and son are here with me in my home. Makes me fulfilled.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I am your husband. This cookie is delightful.
Max Hawthorne: I'm here too. I'm a younger person.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Let me turn on the cooking stove. That's funny. All I hear is a hissing noise. I hope that smell in the air isn't propane gas.
[lights a cigar, massive explosion]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [thinking] Mmm! Explosion is a good option. It looks like an accident.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: It's nice talking to someone who cares, you know? And I love that you're writing things down. Sam, he didn't really ever take notes.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, no one cares more about people than I do.
[his notepad is filled with doodles of other ideas for supposedly accidental deaths]

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Kate Hawthorne: You are going back in there and you are letting that doctor take a look at your sore throat.
Max Hawthorne: And while I'm in there, you can buy a 4-foot coffin.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Pathetic humans, letting their emotions dictate their behavior. These two are distraught by something as small as a loved one being poisoned to death. I wonder if I can get that chicken while they're fighting.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: We got a murder to solve. I got to make room over there for murder stuff.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Yeah, well. There' s no room for those boxes over here, so...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, the laws of physics would tend to disagree with you, since there they are.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] It's a good feeling to know I'm the smartest person on Earth.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Jay: Ms. Twelvetrees wanted me to apologize for calling you a douchebag.
Harry Vanderspeigle: And I apologize that your birthmark looks like a bug.
Jay: Douchebag.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, glad we cleared that up.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
D'Arcy: But, anyway, if you're gonna go around killing people, you should at least make it look like an accident. 'Cause if you get arrested, you can't take me bowling tomorrow night.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [thinking] When I kill that kid Max, I can make it look like an accident. Then I won't get caught.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] This is easy. I've got this. It's all just math. If I can land a spacecraft on an asteroid travelling 50000 miles an hour, I can roll a ball on some wood.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Max Hawthorne: If you work at the post office, how much does a stamp cost?
Harry Vanderspeigle: 100 dollars.
Max Hawthorne: I knew it. You're him!

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
[Asta is arguing with the sheriff. Her late boss, Sam, was murdered, and his wife is collecting things from his office]
Asta Twelvetrees: Abigail is at the clinic right now taking all of Sam's stuff out of his office. Isn't that evidence? Y'know, she's the wife. Maybe she killed him.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Maybe you killed him. How 'bout that?
Asta Twelvetrees: Say that again, and you'll be wearing that hat inside your ass!
Harry Vanderspeigle: [chuckles strangely] Haha maha...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: What the hell are you doing here?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I like watching her when she's angry.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [Head, under drape, between a Judy's legs, performing a pelvic exam] Oh, ok, I see your problem. You sat on an earring.
[Reaches forward...]
Judy Cooper: No! That...
Harry Vanderspeigle: Sorry.
Judy Cooper: That's supposed to be there.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
[Max had run away from the doctor's office because he saw Harry as he truly is. His parents are trying to get him to return to the doctor]
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: OK, look, that's enough. I cannot hear about this alien stuff anymore.
[to Kate]
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: . Look, he can come to work with me and lie on the couch. If his throat doesn't feel better, I'll bring him back, OK?
Max Hawthorne: Oh, now you want to die, too. Make that three coffins.
[walks away]
Kate Hawthorne: I'm serious. If he keeps this up, we're getting rid of him.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Sounds good.

  --  Homesick [1.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I just felt my rear iris pucker and my testicles tighten. My taint remains unchanged.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Not knowing fear allowed me to make bold fashion choices.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I want it so quiet in here, you can hear a mouse piss on cotton. Do you understand me?
D'Arcy: Nope.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I know it. It's my own fault. I should have spent more time searching the lake, and less time watching 'Law & Order' marathons.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Do you ever meditate?
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] By "meditate", do you mean sit peacefully and think of all the people I want to kill?
[out loud]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. I like it very much.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] One mistake. Just one mistake made out of necessity for survival. I had no choice but to kill the human known as Harry Vanderspiegle. I was just defending myself. How was I supposed to know when I threw him on top of the ice, he would disappear into the lake. I am an alien. I don't know every little detail about how Earth works. Everything will be fine. I just need to find that body before someone else does.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: There's a dead body out there somewhere, and we're not going to rest until we find it.
Deputy Liv Baker: Except we are going to go home and rest now.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Sleep. Another example of humans being weak and inefficient. Their bodies must shut down for eight hours every single day or they don't work properly. Please be six am, please be six am.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Kate Hawthorne: If Max doesn't drop the alien thing, I'm going to kill him.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You and me both.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, you don't have anything to worry about. I'm not an alien. Unfortunately. I hear they're pretty cool.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] No one knows where great ideas come from. But you always remember where you were when they came.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [staring at a sleeping Jay] I can't sleep at night. I want to learn how.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay, well, please stop. It's creepy.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
D'Arcy: Nice hook shot.
John: Ball is life.
D'Arcy: Yeah, say that again.
John: -Ball is life.
D'Arcy: -No, don't...
D'Arcy: -Don't say it twice...
John: -Ball is life.
D'Arcy: You always say that.

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] It's amazing how my people have developed the ability to mimic other lifeforms on a cellular level. Incredible, and I forgot to close the door!

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Do you want your baby to get gonorrhea?

  --  Secrets [1.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Hmmm, this is interesting. I've never experienced this before. Nobody is talking. Apparently you can be with other humans and still be alone. I like it.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Sorry about cussing just then. I try not to do that shit around kids.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to Sheriff Thompson] You shouldn't trust your balls. They're nuts.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Max Hawthorne: Cookies. Thus must be bad.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: So I also wanted to ask you what are you doing tonight?
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] I was thinking of chopping up the body in my freezer.
[out loud]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Spring cleaning.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You think that we're getting a divorce?
Max Hawthorne: It's okay. love is fleeting.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Max Hawthorne: Speed?
Sahar: Boredom?

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] This disruption is infuriating and very disrespectful. How am I supposed to sleep or bury the dead guy in my freezer with all these people out here?

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I was even planning on eating some of you to see what humans tasted like.
Max Hawthorne: You know what? I think I'd do the same thing if I were an alien. I'll bet we taste like pot roast.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I have one rule in here. That's if you're gonna start drinking, you have to make sure your gun isn't loaded.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] She's clueless. She has no idea this dinner will just be a kid screaming and throwing food at me.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I'm starting to think the kid's not faking. He actually likes me. And why wouldn't he? I'm a likeable alien.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know how the saying goes, right? If you don't use your arms to signal, the truck will rip them right off. True story.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Sahar: He probably uses mind control to unlock doors.
Max Hawthorne: Or he can shape-shift his fingers into a key.

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [after kissing D'Arcy, looking down towards his lap] Ahh! It's rigor mortis! My penis is dying!

  --  Birds of a Feather [1.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I thought you'd be in Georgia by now, getting probed.
Max Hawthorne: Humans don't probe. Only stupid aliens do that.
Harry Vanderspeigle: My people don't. It's the Greys that have the ass fetish.
Sahar: That's adult language and we don't appreciate it.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Jimmy: What the hell is he doing here? What? Is he your new boyfriend or something?
Asta Twelvetrees: No!
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. I'm just here eating cake.
Jimmy: What? Are you her bodyguard now?
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer ninja.
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, you don't have to do this.
[to Jimmy]
Asta Twelvetrees: Just ignore him.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You shouldn't ignore ninjas.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Humans have a strange practice they call "the art of bullshitting", and that little bastard Max is Michaelangelo.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Kate Hawthorne: He was in the closet.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Are you kidding me? Shit, I scraped ice off the truck for this?
Deputy Liv Baker: Actually, I scraped the ice...
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Yeah, we're really sorry to drag you out...
Deputy Liv Baker: And I warmed up the car while he finished his coffee.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] She's scanning me. It's a good thing I didn't murder those kids. There'd be blood all over my pants, and then I'd have to murder her. Yes, I made the right choice. I'm very good at this.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] My people do family the right way. We don't care if they live or die.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Isabelle: You're so quiet. What are you thinking?
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] If I could fit your body in the freezer next to the other guy.
[out loud]
Harry Vanderspeigle: So many things.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Holy shitsticks! We got ourselves a murder!

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Isabelle: [Isabelle and Harry are dancing after dinner] Well, the dinner's over. What next?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I can only think one thing.
Isabelle: Hmm?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Scrub the pans before you leave.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Kate Hawthorne: You didn't check the closet?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: For our sleeping son? No, I didn't check the closet. Or the sock drawers.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: What type of criminal mastermind are you raising in this house?

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Abigail Hodges: Oh! Hello, Dr. Vanderspeigle. I'm surprised you're still here.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Mayor Hawthorne hasn't found my replacement yet. Because he's bad at his job.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Isabelle: Could I have a glass of your driest white, please.
D'Arcy: Eee. Well, we've been using the same box of wine as a stepladder since Halloween, so, uh... whiskey. That's your best bet.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Is that coffee for me?
D'Arcy: Oh, this coffee that I have not offered to you in anyway?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Umm.
D'Arcy: No.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Screw that foot. For all we know, that thing floated down river from up north. Probably some one-footed son of a bitch up in Gunnison hoppin' around laughin' at our asses right now.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Isabelle: I am going through a divorce, but I'm not quite at "an egg in my whiskey" phase yet.

  --  Love Language [1.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You could remove everything, including your brassiere, which mocks me. It so complicates everything. Once your teats swing free, I will focus on them for arousal, especially the left one. I will become engorged and stiff. I will remove my clothing, and then I will mount you, not giving you all your weight, which would tax your haunches. I will caress your flanks. I will thrust. And then faster. And then I'll slow down.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Now I understand 'douchebag'.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] They have a term on Earth for a man who works on engines--sexy beast. That's me. If these humans ever actually saw me flying my spaceship, I'd have women beating me off with a stick.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Are you leaving without saying goodbye?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I would've said goodbye, but I didn't want to... I didn't want to.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
D'Arcy: Well, I will bring you two a couple of beers when I'm done with Mrs. Chlamydia over there.
Judy: Hey, that's Miss Chlamydia. I'm not my mother.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Then everyone will know I'm better than Ethan. But everyone will be dead. How will they know? I have to work on that one.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] His smile makes me want to love him and strangle him. I think he has more teeth than me.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Everybody's innocent until proven guilty, unless they're guilty.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: He's not sick.
[to himself]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Unless being really annoying is a sickness.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You really came through.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] I did what I had to do, to not be found out as a human killing machine.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Good night, my sweet hairless monkey.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: I want of those Nespresso machines, but sheriff won't let me get one.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hell no! Those things freak me out. I mean, think about it - a whole cup of coffee in that tiny little pod? That shit there's gotta be the devil's work.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: This is fork in the neck.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [to a teenage stoner he is interrogating] You know if I beat you with a phone book, it don't leave no bruises, right? I don't even know if that's true... and I don't have a phone book.

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
[D'Arcy awakes in the morning in Dr. Ethan's bedroom]
[Birds chirping awake D'Arcy]
D'Arcy: Ugh. Shut up. We get it; you're birds.
[She realizes that she's not in her own bed]
D'Arcy: What?
[Sees a picture of Dr. Ethan on one of his missions in Africa]
D'Arcy: Oh, no...

  --  Sexy Beast [1.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I'd grow a mustache as a disguise, but then I'd have to get a job as a firefighter or a pedophile.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Imaginary Harry: [to the alien Harry] I heard you screwing my wife from the freezer the other night. Sounded like a monkey killing a dolphin.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
D'Arcy: You can't use booze and pills to feel better.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah.
D'Arcy: Judy, get the pot!

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [reading 'Dracula'] This man enjoys the taste of human blood. It's very funny.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
D'Arcy: You're doing depression right. The key is to embrace it. Once you accept that you've got nothing, then you have nothing left to lose. That's where freedom lives.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Max Hawthorne: What does it do?
Harry Vanderspeigle: It will cook your monkey ass.
[corrects himself]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Consider it a radio.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] The biggest misconception the humans have about the universe is that it's enormous. It's not. It's tiny. It's all so finite, and smells of slightly burnt caramel corn. I understand why these dumb humans don't know anything about the extended universe. They've never been there. But the universe has been to them.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] What do I have? Nothing. Just this stupid human body with two useless nipples that don't even produce milk.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Honey.
Isabelle: Hmm?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The only reason I'm out here is that I needed space.
Isabelle: What?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes, space. like husbands often say in television shows.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Imaginary Harry: That makes you human.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Don't call me that. That's the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me.

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Sorry to interrupt this little stroll down who-gives-a-shit lane, but is there something you want to say to me, Deputy?

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Max Hawthorne: Storm comin. Better get home.
D'Arcy: What are you, a tiny sea captain?

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
[Harry returns to his cabin after being rude to Isabelle, the real Harry's wife]
Harry Vanderspeigle: We should talk.
Isabelle: [standing up from packing her suitcase] Yes?
Harry Vanderspeigle: What are you making for dinner?
Isabelle: Ugh. I'm leaving. I can't spend another night here with you.
[Isabelle continues packing]
Harry Vanderspeigle: I like it when you make the mini chickens.
Isabelle: You're not listening. I'm leaving you.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You said that once. But you are still here.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] . I don't want her to go. I'm very hungry. I need here to make me food. I must get her to stay. I have an idea.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [aloud] Stay.
Isabelle: Nope.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] That didn't work.
Isabelle: I can't live like this. I feel alienated, lied to.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [aloud] Are you upset because I drugged you? I was trying to be kind. On television, the Three Stooges knock each other out with skillets.
Isabelle: I don't even know who you are anymore. Goodbye, Harry.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Wait, no. I don't like this. Stop.
Isabelle: Just answer me one question. Did you ever love me?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Once.
Isabelle: Thank you for finally being honest.
[leaves cabin]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [sits down and sighs with anguish]

  --  The Green Glow [1.07]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Half your face is all wrong.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Offensive.

  --  End of the World as We Know It [1.08]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I think you're more drawn to being human then you'll admit.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have the right to remain silent.

  --  End of the World as We Know It [1.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: My people do not have scales. That's racist.

  --  End of the World as We Know It [1.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: My people shed their skin in one piece. That way it is easier to eat.
Asta Twelvetrees: Gross.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are gross.

  --  End of the World as We Know It [1.08]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'm enjoying my life so much, I got little cartoon birds flying around my head.

  --  End of the World as We Know It [1.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: We have been monitoring changes to your planet.
Asta Twelvetrees: How we doin'?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Not good.
Asta Twelvetrees: When you say not good, like, how not good?
Harry Vanderspeigle: If a chicken sits on an egg for the right amount of time, you get a perfect little chick.
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh-huh...
Harry Vanderspeigle: But if you do not care about the egg, and you leave it in the sun, it rots and sticks... The earth is the second one.

  --  End of the World as We Know It [1.08]
%
Max Hawthorne: I thought this whole alien thing was just our secret!
Harry Vanderspeigle: It stopped being a secret when you told your little friend over there in the head covering.
Max Hawthorne: She must have followed me. Don't worry, she's not gonna tell anyone. She swore to Allah!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Allah knows? How many people have you told?

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are so pushy.
Sahar: Oh, looks like aliens are also put off by strong women.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Sahar: If you don't stop using that kinda language around us, we're gonna have to wash your mouth out with soap.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Go ahead, I like soap. I eat it all the time. Shit, ass, piss, dink. Where's the soap? I am so hungry!

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are leg-shaming me.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: My people are not a costume.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: You have a tell.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, really? What's my tell?
D'Arcy Bloom: Well, I can't tell you because then you'd know what the tell is and you'd hide the tell from me, and I wouldn't be able to tell.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Then why do they call them "Men in Black"?
Sahar: Because it's cooler than calling them "People in Clothes". It's pretty obvious.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Mayans, everyone talks about their calendar, but they never gave credit for their day planners.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: There are no monsters. Beings do what need to be done in order to survive.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [to Abigail Hodges] Turn around. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You got the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, I'd be surprised because this salon is bangin'.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Bearded Man: We have the Grays,
Harry Vanderspeigle: Insidious assholes.
Bearded Man: the Acrturians,
Harry Vanderspeigle: Jerks, so cheap.
Bearded Man: little green men,
Harry Vanderspeigle: They are so cute, but they so know it.
Bearded Man: the Mantis,
Harry Vanderspeigle: One of them owes me money.
Bearded Man: and the blue avians.
Harry Vanderspeigle: They're actually very nice.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I'm dead. But if I'm dead, why do I feel so warm and squishy like I'm being hugged by a cloud? Oh no, this must be the afterlife. I'm in human Heaven. It makes me want to kill myself.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Why does the afterlife look like a crappy cabin?

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Judy Cooper: We're closer than you and Asta. We shared a boyfriend in high school.
D'Arcy Bloom: You mean the guy that you slept with behind my back?
Judy Cooper: I grabbed his dick and he was into it. So what am I supposed to do, say no?
D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, yeah. Fair point.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The astronauts did land on the moon.
Asta Twelvetrees: Good.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Then their bodies were taken over before they returned.

  --  Welcome Aliens [1.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Everyone has to die eventually. What matters are the choices you make while you're alive. Killing may make humans feel strong in the moment, but what I've begun to realize is that true strength comes from choosing not to kill. Maybe being truly human is about choosing to love, instead.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I told her that was probably some meat in there that looked like you. Like a frozen pig or something.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am more handsome than a pig.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, me, too. Yeah, man, I'm probably somewhere between a pig and a dolphin. You know, that dolphin, that's a fine-ass animal.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Everyone has to die. It is the normal cycle of life for being across the entire universe. Some may live longer than others, but every organism comes into being, and then ceases being. The animals know this. They live in harmony with the Earth, as it was meant to be. Everyone I kill with my device is going to die anyway. At least I'm killing them for a good reason. It's different for humans. Humans kill because they know they're small, insignificant, weak. And killing makes them feel strong, even if it's just for a moment. And when humans are smart, they may even get away with murder. Of course, no being really gets away with anything. The universe knows what you have done, even if nobody else does. And the universe will restore balance, one way or another. Humans have a word for this. They call it "karma".

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I learned from the squirrels that when you've filled your stomach, you should take as much food as you can to eat later. With this pizza stack, I can still kill everyone and still have pizza to eat for days. And now, with a belly that's bursting like a stuffed garbage bag, there's nothing stopping me from completing my mission.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I can't kill everyone on Earth with an empty stomach.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Sahar: Sometimes I talk to adults like my peers because I'm mature for my age. I'm working on that.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] It's unfortunate I have to kill everyone and leave here. The warmth of spring is just arriving.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I know what happened. All right. You and Harry murdered a guy. It happens.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: [as Ben and Kate kiss] That's a lot of tongue.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You trying to get all the way in the back? Y'all nasty. really? Y'all got a room right upstairs.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Lisa Casper: Kill ya later.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
David Logan: [as he and Lisa Casper tail Max Hawthorne] Slow down, you're too close.
Lisa Casper: Jesus Christ. Like driving my grandmother.
[mocking grandmotherly voice]
Lisa Casper: "Why don't you go out back, Memaw, and knit me a sweater?"

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I did not kill anyone.
D'Arcy Bloom: Are you sure?
Asta Twelvetrees: I'd remember.

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Human Harry Vanderpseigle: [a hallucination generated by the alien's mind] You know, you're just stalling. You're afraid to kill everyone.
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, I'm not. My people do not feel fear.
Human Harry Vanderpseigle: Yes, but you're not your people anymore, are you? You've been infected with humanity.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I don't need to listen to this!

  --  Heroes of Patience [1.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Being an alien is easier than being a human. We have evolved past having emotions, so we are not forced to deal with things like seasonal depression or road rage. We also have no roads, so nobody can cut you off, not even Alpha Draconians, who are lizard-headed dickheads.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: What is a skin rat doing here eating my cereal?

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hell, I could cut my shower in half if I had six arms. I'd get my nuts, my butt, and my pits, still have two arms left.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If it wasn't for you, I'd be on my planet right now eating delicious tree skin. It's like pork rinds, except it doesn't make you vomit.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Wait. Who do you think I am?
Harry Vanderspeigle: You're my informant, Cozette the hooker, and from the look of you, you've been working all night.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Maybe humans like pain as much as they like pie.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Can't an alien think underwater without being disturbed?

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm going into that room over there. When I come out, you better be gone, you dumb, little shit pocket!
Max Hawthorne: That makes no sense!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes it does... if you put shit in your pocket!

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Are we family?
49: Um, yeah, I guess so. I'm mean, I'm not like, I'll help you move family but more like, um, I'll see you at the reunion and say wow you got fat family.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [mockingly during psych evaluation] He could never live on my planet. His carbon isotope ratio is less than half the planet's pole magnetism. She is so stupid!

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: See, I love how your minds works, deputy. You're like a true crime podcast. Go ahead, pod me.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
42: Tell him to break me out! I'm Monday's Chef's Special!

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: All octopuses can talk. They just don't like talking to humans. Number 42 only talked to you because you are with me.
Asta Twelvetrees: His name is Number 42?
Harry Vanderspeigle: On the menu. Octopus in black bean sauce. Number 42. And you wonder why they aren't speaking to humans.

  --  Old Friends [2.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have met all the other people in town. They are annoying flesh monkeys.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. I was calling you an idiot in my head.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: And all the beer-drinking douchebags can fry.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: From the look of Asta's car, she's a real piglet.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Mayor Mitch: We have five varieties of trout and zero varieties of dead human feet.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer to eat with you. You order a lot of food. I like to forage off of your plate.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Pie and chowder? That's the meal of a serial killer.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You want to understand a murderer, you got to get inside his food head.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have to help her.
D'Arcy Bloom: Help her what? Get a better burial site?

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Mother Nature takes no prisoners, deputy,

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] But if everyone is gone, who will keep the bunker clean? I hate cleaning, and from the look of Asta's car, she's a real piglet. Maybe Asta's giant father could be in the bunker with us. He can cook and clean, and his aftershave smells like fryer grease. No, it wouldn't work. They are father and daughter. They may turn against me and make me their servant.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
102.6 DJ: Wait, I know this voice. D'Arcy?
D'Arcy Bloom: [in Russian accent] D'Arcy? No, this, uh, Sasha. Hello, yes.
102.6 DJ: Yeah, D'Arcy, we dated for five months. I think I know your voice. And the night we broke up, you stole six bottles of wine out of my fridge.
D'Arcy Bloom: I don't have no stealing wine. Only vodka. So, okay, play song for best friend and then go,

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
49: You wouldn't have to do any of this if you had just gone home like you were supposed to.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I could not go home with that kid on board. I could never get him past customs.
49: Yeah, that why there's an eject button. That kid's body should've been a shooting star over Texas.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You don't know anything about space. You are a Colorado octopus.
49: Is that where we are? Shit! I thought this was India. *That* is an Indian rug. You are appropriating their culture. That's not a good look, man.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I saw it at a red tag sale for $5. I had to buy it. Plus, I think it really brings the room together.
49: Listen to you, you - that's a great price, by the way - you're becoming one of them. Look how human you are. You're even vulnerable to your own people's attack.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am not! Because I will cut a hole in your octopus body and wear you as a protective octo-suit when they come to eradicate all human life!
49: Wow. Is this how you treat a house guest?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Hmm.
49: Then I'm glad I didn't get you a gift.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I can't help that I'm Harry's only friend.
Dan Twelvetrees: Maybe he should have more. We're a great town. If he can't see the value of humans here, maybe we *should* become extinct.

  --  The Wire [2.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: She wanted me to take over her body last night with my penis, but I did not do that.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: She likes long naps, and it is better than being awake for her real life. Her boss is a bad man.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, she said something about that.
Harry Vanderspeigle: He will not bother her again.
Asta Twelvetrees: What did you do?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The same thing you would've done if you had the strength of six gorillas. I am glad to be out of her body. People treated it like breakroom yogurt. Even though her name was on it, they felt comfortable molesting it when they were hungry. It is awful being short.
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, that's not because she's short. That's being a woman. Welcome to our world.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You mean you all feel the eyes hunting you like a baby deer in the woods just walking down the street?
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, I tried to tell you. You know, next time a woman tries to tell you something, sit down, shut up, and listen. and if you feel the need to say anything, all it needs to be is yes ma'am. Okay?

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: It's like a party, but with a decent chance of prison time.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Max Hawthorne: Hey, being a man is hard, too. I have to brush my teeth sometimes.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Of all the gin joints in all the world - this one - is closest to my house.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You want to write her a note? Okay. All right, look. Here's what I want you to do. Here go five dollars. Now, I want you to go down to the mall. You know that kiosk, where they write your name of a grain of rice? Right, you're gonna give that guy five dollars, he going to write your note on the end of a bullet. Right? Now, I want you to take that bullet, and I want you to put it in a gun and go home and stand in your bathtub. And you're also gonna need a phone book. Not something thin, like Patience, something with some girth, like, like Denver, right? And you're gonna put that phone book up against one side of your head, and you're gonna take that gun and put it against the other side, right? And then you're gonna shoot yourself right in the head, and that bullet's gonna fly right through and lodge itself right around D's, for dumbass. And she'll get your note.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: But I'm dead.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You tell her, you're dead anyway.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Your vagina is like a lab?

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The skin on my penis is very clean.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: You should try putting yourself in other people's shoes.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Ugh! Other people's shoes smell like other people's feet.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: When you brought ice dildos into this, you made a commitment to this night.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: You've made me feel good about myself, so I'm open to what you're going to say next.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I know that I am not as pretty as E.T. I do not have his bulbous football head or his squat Corgi legs or his... platypus feet, but I can be a charming alien when I need to be. Mm, mm, mm.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I would like to go by your work. Maybe you could give me a tour of your lab.
Carlyn: Oh, I love that you're interested; that's very flattering. But I can't. Security is so tight, not dissimilar to my vagina.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Your vagina is like a lab?
Carlyn: Yeah. It's - it's tough to get in.
Harry Vanderspeigle: It is?
Carlyn: Lots of neat stuff once you're there.

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Shit. Shit. Shit
Harry Vanderspeigle: Right here?

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Do you have any beer with rat poison in it?

  --  Girls' Night [2.03]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: Sir, how many tampons do you think I need?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Shit, as many as you can carry. Tampons are extremely versatile. You can use them for gunshot wounds, for a sweaty brow. They actually should market them to men and call 'em manpons. I'd buy them.
Deputy Liv Baker: That's quite the TED talk, sir.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: How do humans talk for hours about different ways to cook their meat?

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I don't make a habit of walking around with women's clothing, although I do like dresses with pockets; it makes the handbag optional. Of course, you could always just throw a couple of bandolier belts over your shoulders and tuck little tampons in each little bullet slot.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: Judy Cooper is here to see you.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, shit.
Deputy Liv Baker: I think she thinks you're dating, because you danced with her.
Deputy Liv Baker,Sheriff Mike Thompson: I ain't danced with her; she danced on me.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: It doesn't make sense. Like, how could I drop a whole dress off at the dry cleaners and not even remember?
D'Arcy Bloom: That's weird, especially for you. Yeah, you have a flawless memory. You always remember everywhere I stash my weed.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Do you trust Harry?
Dan Twelvetrees: What I believe should have nothing to do with what you believe. Deep down in your gut, do you trust him?
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, I do.
Dan Twelvetrees: Good. That makes one of us.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Sahar: When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Asta Twelvetrees: That's pretty deep for someone your age.
Sahar: It's Maya Angelou. *Doctor* Maya Angelou. An actual doctor. Unlike the alien who pretended to be one. What else does he pretend to do?
FACT CHECK: PLEASE NOTE: Maya Angelou has never graduated college and has never been a doctor, she merely prefers to be called a doctor among her peers- but she is not one.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Children are pestilence. They are not so much born but replicate like a virus, continuing humanity's path toward destruction. Plus, it is illegal to make them work, so they are just gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Drew: I'm a ho; I know about ho shit. Go be a freak in the forest; I won't tell no one.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I knew you were lying. You're not a good actress. You could not play a beach corpse on 'Law & Order'.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Humans don't know anything about anything. It's funny, because it is true.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Bethany Bloom: I love your confidence. You'll just wear anything, won't you? I missed you.
D'Arcy Bloom: Well, I've just been here, being confident.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I like being on the reservation. It feels comfortable. There's a warmth to it. They must like it too, since they're always together.

  --  Radio Harry [2.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Is this how humans feel when they have a child--angry and resentful for having to care for a tiny thing? If she were a pet bird, I would leave the cage door open, and the ceiling fan on.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: They are easy when they are babies. They cannot run away or almost kill you in a car accident.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I can be a good father. I've seen a lot of television.
Liza Vanderspiegle: Ugh! What happened to the wifi? And it smells like dead people up here!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Then you should take a shower... my darling daughter.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm very fertile.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will win myself; a prize, and consider giving it to you.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] This is weird. She looks like me... if I fell face first into a pile of metal.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
[Harry and Asta are at the sheriff's office, discussing real Harry's daughter, who the sheriff just caught stealing a bicycle]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Liza... is her name. I'm very fertile. This is my sweet little girl.
[looks over at Liza, who is seated in the next room]
Liza Vanderspiegle: [flips Harry off]

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Well, every baby grows into Liza.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Then why do you feed them?
Asta Twelvetrees: 'Cause if you don't, they will die.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I guess I'm so used to being sad with him, something about it seems normal.
D'Arcy Bloom: I don't think that's supposed to feel normal.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Liza Vanderspiegle: I was just borrowing that bike to get to the cabin. I'm not a thief. Not really. I mean, I do steal a lot of shit.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Nurse Ellen Cho: Listen, as a medical professional, I suggest you drink a little less. But, as a single bitch living in this dead-ass town, I suggest you invite me out next time.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Does that thing have to keep popping into my head?
42: You think I like it in there? It's darker than the woods in a Tim Burton movie.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
[Liza notices how weird her father, Harry, is behaving]
Liza Vanderspiegle: Why are you acting *so* weird? Wait, are you high?
Asta Twelvetrees: [slowly] Yes... yes he is. Ugh!
Harry Vanderspeigle: [defensively] It's legal in Colorado! Do not bum my stone, man

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Her momma sent her to a camp for troubled teens, but she ran away. 'Cause she's trouble.

  --  Family Day [2.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I like pie. It is like cake, but made with real food.

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I appreciate mythical creature, all right, I really do. Well, except for mermaids. You know, where do they get off, sitting up on the rocks all high and mighty, expecting you to ask them out on a date? I mean, why they so stuck up? I mean, if you have fish, you gonna smell all like fish, you understand?
Deputy Liv Baker: Gross.

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: You don't fart around your wife? What's the point of being married if you can't fart around your wife?

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: Maybe it was a U...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Deputy, no.
Deputy Liv Baker: F...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Please don't. Please.
Deputy Liv Baker: O.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Dammit!

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am confused. I need more pie.

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: There's weed in my child's bedroom?
D'Arcy Bloom: Hope so.

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
[Harry is packing for his trip to New York]
Sahar: [knocks on Harry's cabin door] Hello?
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] What?
Sahar: [from outside] I know you're in there.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [picks up Murphy the dog and goes to the bedroom]
42: [telepathically to Harry] Do not put that thing in here with me; I'm trying to read.
Sahar: [opens the cabin's Dutch doors and enters cabin] . Hello!
Harry Vanderspeigle: [closes bedroom door after putting Murphy in there] This is a home invasion. Why are you alone? Where is shit-for-brains? Did you get a divorce?
Sahar: Divorce is against my religion, unless it's initiated by the man, which is why I'm never getting married.
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is good news for men everywhere.

  --  An Alien in New York [2.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I took some LSD on my tongue, and now I'm surrounded by horrible creatures! I just saw an alien take off its head, and there was a human inside! Do I have a human inside of me? How many licks does it take to get to the human?

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Dan Twelvetrees: You gonna tell me what's going on? You haven't talked this whole ride. I don't like it when you're quiet, makes me nervous.
Asta Twelvetrees: The alien we went to see was dead, but it gave birth to an egg, and now it's in Harry's bag.
Dan Twelvetrees: I liked it more when you were quiet.
Asta Twelvetrees: Me too.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Dan Twelvetrees: If I had my sage, I'd smudge you. Free pie is a close second.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Nurse Ellen: He's trying to fire you. You're not the doctor you used to be, and if you keep working here, you might kill someone.
Dr. Smallwood: Is this true?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: It's not *not* true.
Dr. Smallwood: You're a sweet boy for not wanting to tell me that.
[to Nurse Ellen]
Dr. Smallwood: You're not sweet at all. It even looked like you enjoyed it.
Nurse Ellen: I didn't *not* enjoy it.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Dr. Smallwood: I had the wrong chart. It happens.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Should it?
Nurse Ellen: No.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Could you give us some privacy?
Nurse Ellen: Also no.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I may have killed the bad woman. It's okay, I threw her out the window. She's gone. Did you get my ice cream sandwich?

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Dr. Smallwood is an institution. She literally delivered me as a baby.
Deputy Liv Baker: Didn't she literally deliver your parents too?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I don't think that's relevant.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Look, you need to fire her ass before a bunch of elves move into my tree-trunk arm here and start making cookies.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: At least your baby won't make you high when you sniff it.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Abigail Hodges: Apparently, no one wants to buy antique spoons from a murderer.

  --  Escape from New York [2.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not understand why humans celebrate their births. Everyone who is alive has been born. It is not special. A birthday party is just a participation trophy.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not like having people in my house uninvited.
Asta Twelvetrees: Well, now you know how Earth felt when you got here.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Take that thing downstairs.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Only half of it is thing. The other half is alien.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Human infants are the only mammal whose main attribute is helpless flopping.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Do you tinker? Do you like to tinker?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. Sometimes it makes me shiver because of the warm urine leaving my body.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Today is all about celebrating the birth of a man I murdered and threw in the frozen lake. Ice seems appropriate.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Do not go down there! The floor's cracked, and if you step on it... you'll break your momma's back.
[heads downstairs]
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [to the rest of the people in the room] What'd he say about my momma?

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: If an alien baby kills you, it's not my fault.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Sahar: Is your brain in your butt?
Max Hawthorne: I hope not.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Come on, let's go pee on a stick.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I'm not a fan of yolk mixtures, or having my soul taken by an angry ghost.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: [to Max and Sahar] What are you guys even doing here? Don't you have a babysitter?
Sahar: It's Ellen.
Asta Twelvetrees: Say no more. Okay, get home safe.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Did you just correct me on how to say a pickle?

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: It's a delicate farm in my mouth.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Unless you got another fight planned, I'm pretty sure that was the highlight of the night.

  --  Alien Dinner Party [2.08]
%
Detective Lena Torres: You still haven't introduced yourself. I guess they don't have etiquette teachers here in Patience.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson. You can call me Big Black.
Detective Lena Torres: In that case, you can call me Medium Brown.
Deputy Liv Baker: I'm Liv. I'm... white.

  --  Autopsy [2.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: When I get a burnt potato in my hash browns, I put it to the side of my plate and ignore it. I will do the same with death. I feel better already.

  --  Autopsy [2.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Victory. The autopsy is mine.

  --  Autopsy [2.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: He also said he hates your honey-glazed salmon.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: No, again, I didn't...
Kate Hawthorne: That salmon is my specialty dish.
Harry Vanderspeigle: He said the only thing special about it was that something that lives in water could be so dry.

  --  Autopsy [2.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have more important things to do then listen to unimportant marriage arguments.

  --  Autopsy [2.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will wait for her to stop talking, then I will jump in and tell them I have to leave... She is not stopping.

  --  Autopsy [2.09]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: When have you ever seen me take a backseat? I don't even sit in the back seat in a car. If I hail a cab, I say "shotgun" or I drive.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know I'm the town sheriff, right? Which means 100% of my job is being a therapist.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: That percentage seems high.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: It's not. If anything, it's low.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: So you're in denial about being denial.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. No. I deny denying it.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, is this where I find out you're a serial killer?
Elliott: I'm more of an oatmeal guy. Get it? 'Cause it's cereal...
D'Arcy Bloom: No, no, I got it. I'm just surprised you said it.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I asked them to fry the pie, but they wouldn't do it.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: We're safe?
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] No, the earth is doomed. But at least I do not have to clean crying snot off your face.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I'm afraid of everything, and you're technically a thing.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [claps hands] I've got good news.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Okay, the only news I wanna hear is that you're gonna stop clapping your bony, porcelain hands before they trigger a migraine.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [mutters] Just regular hands.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Gerard: Every, every morning, Elaine would wake early and have tea ready for me before I went to work. I'm glad she's gone. She'd hate having to see me in such pain.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You will not be in any pain soon, when you are dead.
Gerard: It will be nice to see my wife again.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Will she be waiting for you in hell?
Gerard: [chuckles] No, I hope in heaven.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, I get your fairy tales mixed up.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am afraid of death.
Gerard: You-you-you shouldn't be.
Harry Vanderspeigle: How are you not afraid? You will be dead soon.
Gerard: No-no-no, things got better when I found out that I was dying. It reminded me that life isn't forever. I began to appreciate every moment.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Like when there is only one slice of pie left. It tastes better.
Gerard: Exactly.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Nurse Ellen Cho: Gerard Hundemer needs you to do a house call to bring him pain medication.
Harry Vanderspeigle: He is dying. I do not want to go. It is depressing. Cancel.
Nurse Ellen Cho: You're joking, right?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Of course I'm joking, ha ha ha ha. Reschedule it until after he's dead.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: It's just hard to talk to her sometimes.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: No, I get it. When it comes to talking to 'em, you gotta treat women like they in the cartel, right? You wanna to have a conversation, you take them to a public place. That way you don't have to worry about them murdering you.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: So you think Kate wants to murder me?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Based on the fight at the party, I put the odds at, like, 35%.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Seems high.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You got life insurance? Because that'll push it up to, like, 60.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: So I was thinking maybe you could take a backseat and let Jessup take the reins on this investigation.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: When have you *ever* seen me take a back seat? I don't even sit in the back seat of a car. If I hail a cab, I sit shotgun or I drive.

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Gerard: [SPOILER] Thank you for, for doing this for me.
Harry Vanderspeigle: My friend told me I should not run away from death. Killing you... is not running away.
[Administers medicine]
Gerard: Thank you, Harry.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Goodbye, Gerard.
Gerard: [slumps over, dead]
Harry Vanderspeigle: [whispers, lips trembling] What is it like?

  --  The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood [2.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Your skull is very hollow.
Max Hawthorne: Good. Helps me run faster.

  --  The Weight [2.11]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: This thing smells like it was puked out of an ass factory.

  --  The Weight [2.11]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The human race would be much more productive if they made children work. Even a baby can be hired to lie on your papers so they not blow off your desk.

  --  The Weight [2.11]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: And shepherd's pie, that is - it's not a pie. It should be called shepherd's meat vomit.

  --  The Weight [2.11]
%
Kate Hawthorne: We can't even get him to clean our own house.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Probably because you don't pay him enough... because you're poor.

  --  The Weight [2.11]
%
Dan Twelvetrees: Next time Harry comes in, you want me to send him home without any supper?
Asta Twelvetrees: No, he's, like, responsible for half your sales.

  --  The Weight [2.11]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, yes, see, there it is. There's nothing I love more than a perfectly timed "unless". It's like, like, a spoon being dipped in some soup. Go ahead, bring that soup to my lips, deputy.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: And I starting to care about all humans? What kind of monster have I become?

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Max Hawthorne: I can save the world with my butt?
Sahar: You have to. It's your destiny.
Max Hawthorne: Okay. Me and my butt will do it.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Because we don't live in a police state.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Not yet.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Never.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Someday soon.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If Halloween is a time for monsters, I will be that monster.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: We should probably put this crime tape around the sheriff because he should be arrested for being too handsome, right?
Detective Lena Torres: Well, I mean, he wouldn't serve much time. It's involuntary handsomeness.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I do not want to be squashed by a big bug person!
Harry Vanderspeigle: The internet is wrong.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, okay. Good.
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, the insectoids, they do not squash. They like to eat other beings while they are still alive and struggling.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: We did all the hard work. Now the FBI's going to come in and just reach into our pants and rip off our bean bags.
Deputy Liv Baker: Oh, not me. Not me. I don't... have a bean bag.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, not on the outside.
Deputy Liv Baker: I don't really know what that means.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Kate Hawthorne: Who are you dressed up as?
Nurse Ellen Cho: [Imitating Mayor Hawthorne] I love Patience. Patience is the best town ever.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: That's pretty good.
Nurse Ellen Cho: And I somehow snagged a hot wife.
Kate Hawthorne: Oh!
Nurse Ellen Cho: even though I'm a horrible mayor and a total dork.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Oh.
Nurse Ellen Cho,Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, that's not true. I happen to be a pretty good mayor.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hell, DC's got murders as far as the eye can see. It's like a - like a - like a... a whole forest of them in constant bloom. It's beautiful! It is!

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Sahar: Maybe she put a tracking device in your food. You need to poop it out.
Max Hawthorne: I can't. I only poop after breakfast or when my mom takes me to the bookstore.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
[to D'Arcy Bloom]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Also, you are very old, and your body is falling apart as it prepares for your death.

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hmm, if they do make a movie, I want to play myself, a handsome, rugged sheriff keeping the streets safe in a quaint, Colorado town. Until Bigfoot shows up to kill everybody. But I recognize his beautiful soul, and I teach him to speak English; he teaches me how to play guitar. *That's* a movie.
Deputy Liv Baker: That sounds like a move that's about just you, and it has nothing to do with environmental justice.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: It's got to do with America wanting to see me sing a duet with Bigfoot!

  --  The Alien Within [2.12]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans do not realize what crop circles really are - alien emojis. The complex circle on the right stands for my middle finger.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, it's human nature to care about your offspring.
Harry Vanderspeigle: It is human nature, not alien nature. We do not care if our children die as long as they die in a ditch and not in the road, where they will make it bumpy for our vehicles.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Grey Alien: You are wrong! It is not the Alpha-Draconians here on Earth! And please stop sending them messages! We don't need those idiots down here!
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are the Grays. What are you doing here? The Grays have never cared about the Earth.
Grey Alien: Oh, Myyyy! You are SO stupid!
Harry Vanderspeigle: When you say Oh, My, does that mean...... ..my...?
Grey Alien: Not yours. There is an "Oh" in it!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh...... .yours.
Grey Alien: Oh, Myyyy.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, My.
Grey Alien: Oh, My!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Is this a Gray saying?
Grey Alien: It is an expression. Like Wow! and Holy Shit!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Why do you move so much when you say it?
Grey Alien: Because I'm freezing my Gray dick off!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh my.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Max Hawthorne: You're afraid to be happy.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: That don't make sense! I'm already happy; I'm the happiest person I know! I'm so happy, all day long I whistle "Hallelujah" out of the crack of my ass!
Deputy Liv Baker: I've never heard that. Deputy Fred once did a fart that sounded like the opening chord of "A Hard Day's Night" though.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Kate Hawthorne: Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I agree.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Keep your eyes on your balls.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Aw, that's sweet, calling my mom shit.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: What the hell! Were you just picking my nose?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Alpha Draconians, their nostrils are pleasure zones. So if you were an Alpha Draconian, then you would have liked that!
Asta Twelvetrees: Well, I didn't like it, and if you do it again, I will break your finger.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Obviously, you are a human, so you passed!

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: You never said it was private.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Everything I say to you is private. If I noticed you were on fire and I told you, I'd expect you to keep it to yourself.
Deputy Liv Baker: But, then I'd die.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You'd die with honor!

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
[Harry is pretending to be enthused by the skiing event.]
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm very interested in sports. Go team! High fives! Keep your eyes on your balls.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have to urinate.
D'Arcy Bloom: [in a robot voice] I need to urinate.
[back to her regular voice]
D'Arcy Bloom: Why do you sound like C3PO? Just say you have to pee.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have to pee... 3PO.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Max Hawthorne: You're not supposed to shame the patient.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Look, I told all the nurses they could shame and degrade you if it keeps you alive.

  --  Harry, a Parent [2.13]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: ET was shaped like a sexy potato.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I did not want to murder this man in the middle of town. It is going to be messy for the people who clean up dead bodies. I'll write "sorry" on the wall in his blood.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Nothing says successful town like a good rat infestation.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: He saw me. Give me a fork, I need to stab him in the neck. And anyone who saw. That's a lot of necks to stab.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Max Hawthorne: You spanked me!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Softly. Like a father who wants to be your friend.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Do you want my pickle? It's floppy.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: There is a word for little boys like Max. "Traitor". And also "shit weasel" and "dink". There are many words.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm an alien. Aliens do not hide from humans.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Kate Hawthorne: So, you get a resort. Maybe some rich businessman runs it. He comes to town. He likes it here. Maybe he even runs for mayor and wins. Everybody likes him. Now, let's say that that businessman starts throwing his money around and suddenly, all the buildings are ugly and have his name on it. He gets cocky. He offers you a million dollars to bang your wife. I say no. I'm not some cheap whore. A million dollars is practically nothing these days. So, he offers me 5 million, and I say, "For that amount, you can have me all weekend."

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: You are like my little appliances truffle pig.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I would not want to be a fish in the same way that I do not want to be a human. So much of their lives is out of their control. The fish swims forward, looking for food. And when they find it, they get yanked out of their homes by a weird being, measured and probed, and then thrown back into their home. It is not the fish's fault. If I was hungry and I saw a pizza on a hook, I might not be able to control myself either.

  --  Cat and Mouse [2.14]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Asta always does the right thing. It is her most annoying trait. that, and she never lets me kill anyone.

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: How fulfilling can it be cooking all day?
Dan Twelvetrees: I don't know. Why don't you ask the roof over your head?

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, God, I am so sorry. Harry can be a little serial killer-y.

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: You're not answering your phone.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Did you call me to tell me to come to work?
Asta Twelvetrees: Yes.
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is why I did not answer it.

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [playing with the alien baby] I got your nose. I got your nose.
[alien baby screams]
Harry Vanderspeigle: I don't actually have it. Don't freak out.

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: I don't think running a background check on someone you like is a good way to start a romance.

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Love is like air. Even if you can't see it, you have to know it is there.

  --  Best of Enemies [2.15]
%
Max Hawthorne: You know, you don't usually give me gifts. Except for that hunting T-shirt with the bullseye on it.

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You fall on your keys one time, and you start making different plans.

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: How dare you body shame me. This my goal weight. Are you saying I'm fat?
Max Hawthorne: Whatever. I gotta go home. See you soon.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will see you never! I am not fat. I am thick. All bodies are beautiful... except yours, you squirrel-necked dick!

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Joseph: Grey aliens are pretty powerful.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Not powerful enough to get somebody's number from the phone number company, unless they say, "Yeah, okay, give them my phone number."

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
[Harry is wearing a breastfeeding simulator]
Asta Twelvetrees: Well, I'll never get that image out of my head.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay, you're not gonna help the general save the world? Then what? What are you going to do?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will do what human failures do. I will ignore my horrible life by being a parent and passing my resentments on to my children.
Asta Twelvetrees: Children?

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Sahar: Remember, eating live birds is bad for your cholesterol.

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: This alien doesn't have pants, and you don't seem to notice.

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hell, when we get that resort built, we're gonna need a new prison just for the prostitutes alone. As a matter of fact, go ahead and put hooker jail on that list for me, although to be honest, I'm not sure if that's the proper term anymore. It's probably sex worker jail. You can put that down there, because you know hookers, they love to use that modern terminology, and I wanna be as respectful as I can to all them hard working hoes out there.

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: A real friend wouldn't make their friends come visit them in jail, and they have to go through a cavity search to make sure they don't have a knife up their ass to try to break you out of there! And everybody knows a knife in the ass can feel a little slice-y!

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
[last lines]
Grey Alien: [to a restrained Ben Hawthorne] Do not be afraid. Your baby is here too.

  --  I Believe in Aliens [2.16]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Do you know what one of the best things is about being human?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The colon.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Wait, wait, you wash your cast-iron skillet? You can't do that. Where do you think the food's flavor come from?
Deputy Liv Baker: The food?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: The skillet. What you think got more flavor, the food you're cooking, or 10 years of food cooked on iron?
Deputy Liv Baker: I don't know, but now my stomach feels weird.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Do not bite my balls.
Asta Twelvetrees: There is 0% chance of that happening.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: All right, men pay, women eat. This goes back to caveman times. The men, they... they go out on a hunt, right? And then they take down a dinosaur. And they drag it back to the hut, and then the women, they prepare the cutlery and the lemonade, then they all sit down, say grace, and eat.
Deputy Liv Baker: To think just one statement could contain 200 million years of misinformation.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If I am a superhero, Asta is my kryptonite.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Kate Hawthorne: OK. I am going to go pick up dinner. Oh, Sahar, you want to eat with us?
Sahar: No, thanks. I don't eat takeout, because the packaging is slowly destroying the Earth.
Kate Hawthorne: It's OK to just say no.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Joseph Rainier: Just know I am watching you, and I will figure out what you are doing here.
Harry Vanderspeigle: And I will figure out what you are doing here.
Joseph Rainier: I'm here to figure out what you're doing here.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Then I just figured it out. I win.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Sahar: But I did clean the toilet with your toothbrush.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, the joke is on you because I will not pay you for your maid service!

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If you have the right person on your team, they do not hold you back. They lift you up.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I can't ask Joseph out.
Kayla: Why not? He looked at you like a Christmas ham.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You'll kill yourself? You are such a good friend!

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Human babies cannot even live without help from others. It is probably a good thing because if human babies could kill, they would certainly do it.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: My earliest memory was gestating in my egg, alone. When I hatched, I was greeted by the mewling of hundreds of siblings. We all preferred solitude. So naturally, we set upon killing each other.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Kate Hawthorne: The owl was here last week, too. I'm getting new blinds today.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: What? Honey, no way. It is good luck to have an owl staring at you.
Kate Hawthorne: Why would it be good luck?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I don't know. I just made it up to save money on blinds. Blinds it is.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The human bladder is not considered full until it holds two cups of liquid. Or in this case, that local beer Joseph is drinking.
[Joseph unexpectedly goes to the restroom]
Harry Vanderspeigle: That was faster than expected. Maybe because that local beer is already like urine.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Max Hawthorne: I thought two was a few.
Sahar: Why would you think that?
Max Hawthorne: It rhymes.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: You're the one that wanted me to go on this date. You made me buy new underwear.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are tracking Asta? You are doing what I was doing.
D'Arcy Bloom: It's only creepy if you do it.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Take a look. Damn government drone watching us now.
Deputy Liv Baker: I think that's just some mustard on the window.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: That's just what they want you to think.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Joseph Rainier: Hello, I'm looking for Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.
Nurse Ellen Cho: [seductively] I'm Ellen. I'm the one you're looking for, officer. I've broken six laws since this morning.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If you break it, you buy it.
D'Arcy Bloom: [she breaks it] That is way more pieces than I would have guessed.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I got a gut feeling something might be going down, so I just want you to keep your eyes peeled for anyone suspicious.
Joseph Rainier: Don't worry. If anybody's up to something, I'll know it.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Damn. You smell like a winner.

  --  Lone Wolf [3.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans do stupid things all the time. It is like their national sport.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Dan Twelvetrees: Oh, no. You're an alien? You think I give a shit? You can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting an alien.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: My grandmother's secret recipe. The day I took it from her drawer, she threw a toaster at my head. She was tough, but she was also why I went undefeated in dodgeball.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Stupid cell phone companies. They shut off my service again just for not paying my bill. I am done with them.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You're leaving because I told you to leave.
Joseph Rainier: Uh, no. I just happen to want to leave so badly that I don't care about staying just so you don't think that I'm leaving because you told me to leave.
Harry Vanderspeigle: The only thing I understood in that was "leave."

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have a joke for you. What has three heads and it has to get out of my house and it's you?
Leo: Us?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, you've heard it.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Is it too much to ask for to find an independent woman who only does what I want?

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Pull me up or I'll put a sign in the bar that says Harry Vanderspeigle kicks dogs.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not. Who tells these lies?
D'Arcy Bloom: Me, you idiot. I just made it up.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh.
D'Arcy Bloom: And people will believe me because you have a dog-kicking face.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not!

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, no. The pizza's outside the trap.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: How did you get past security? His fortress is impenetrable.
Max Hawthorne: Door was unlocked.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Son of a bitch.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Joseph Rainier: I will leave when I want to leave. Lucky for you, I want to leave right now.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Asta, do you prefer a confetti cake or a red velvet cake? I think pie, because if you are unable to finish it, I'll eat it.
Asta Twelvetrees: I'm gonna regret asking, but why?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, there is a beautiful ritual on my planet that whenever we send off a volunteer on a suicide mission, we prepare for them a last meal.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I thought maybe if I put in a pool, she'd want to stay.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You can count me out. I don't swim in water somebody else is tea-bagging.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I'm pretty sure we'd be wearing bathing suits.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Shit, water don't care. You wrap a tea bag in a Speedo and you put it in some water, you still gonna get a cup of tea that tastes like your nuts.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Joseph is a Grey alien. You can't go on another date with him.
Asta Twelvetrees: It's not a date. I just have to sit across from the guy at dinner and keep him interested in staying.
D'Arcy Bloom: That sounds like every date I've ever been on.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans spend their entire lives believing they are special. Even after they die, they do everything in their power to remain special forever- tombstones, plaques, old libraries with their names on them. Not long ago, the smartest minds on Earth believed the sun revolved around them.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I do like her, a lot. I mean, Lena's an amazing woman. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's got great taste in tactical knives.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [having photographs taken of his feet] It's just too weird.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I know what you're doing. You're trying to make it sound dirty. It's not. It's not dirty. Now ah... spread your toes for me.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: E.T. could fly a bicycle. E.T. had a flashlight for a finger. Do you know what it's like to be constantly compared to that waddling sex doll?

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Listen only to the sound of my voice. When you wake up, you will remember nothing of this, but you will still pay me for the hour.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: Oh, no. You're not talking. Are you ghosting her?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Ghosts talk, Deputy. That's one of the main things ghosts do. If somebody has something to say and then they die before they say it, they turn ghost. They write on fogged-up mirrors. They whisper in your ear before you fall asleep at night. They turn bathwater into blood. Okay? That's communicating.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Joseph Rainier: [Harry crumples a parking ticket, lifts it above his head] Littering is a fifty dollar fine.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I know that. I'm... putting it in my truck.
[tosses it into his truck - laughs and pours his coffee onto he ground]
Harry Vanderspeigle: It's not littering if it's liquid.
[to himself]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Now I need to get another coffee.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Judy Cooper: And you guys get started on the renovating. Oh, you know what, though? I wouldn't pull up the floorboards, definitely not the ones in the basement. Unless you guys like skeletons, which some people do. We can list it on Halloween. Boo!

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Hey, are you busy?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes, I'm in the middle of a thought.

  --  The Upper Hand [3.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: These gravel workers are all in excellent physical shape and very good-looking. One thing I know about attractive humans is they do not work the night shift. They work in the light, so everyone can enjoy them. No, these are not humans.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, I see, tits for tats. You play well. You have good tits.
Max Hawthorne: Inappropriate.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The greatest force in the universe is entropy, the tendency toward chaos. Things fall apart. There is no extended warranty. Even if there were, it would still be a ripoff.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: There's no mimes in the military. They got "Don't talk, don't tell."

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The cold air on my underparts keeps my scrotum taut.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Okay, well, I don't really want to know what's going on with your scrotum. Would you mind closing your robe, please?

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: You called me a liar, Nana.
Nana Baker: I did not. I called you a fantasist. I said you were always making stuff up and your relationship with reality was tenuous at best.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: That seems worse.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Harry's gonna stop Yellowstone from ... blowing up.
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, I did not say that. I said I will stop the Greys from blowing it up. I cannot stop Yellowstone from blowing itself up.
[takes a bit]
D'Arcy Bloom: I'm sorry, what?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The Yellowstone caldera, it erupts every 600,000 years. The last time it erupted was 634,000 years ago, so, yes, that baby is crowning. Wouldn't it be funny if I stopped the Greys and then the caldera blew up right after?
Dan Twelvetrees: That would be funny.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Because of the timing. Comedy ...
[takes a bite]
Harry Vanderspeigle: is all about ...
[grimaces, then awkwardly makes several attempts to pull a hair off his tongue ... slowly]
Harry Vanderspeigle: ... the timing.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Kate Hawthorne: A trip does not have to be perfect to be special.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: What if you get in a car accident on the way there? You both die on impact. Max is left alone, hungry. He has to eat the dead flesh of his parents. If I'm there, he could eat me.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Judy Cooper: I couldn't help but overhear, because I was listening.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Winter is the best time to go anywhere. Seasonal depression increases suicide rates, so fewer people are traveling. We are going to have the whole park to ourselves. It's going to be great!

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: No, I've definitely never seen this guy before. Not ever, never. Did you know that "never" is short for "not ever"? I feel like I maybe made that up. Anyway, I haven't seen him.
Deputy Liv Baker: What about the shirt? Is it familiar?
D'Arcy Bloom: It's Colorado. The people here are practically made of plaid.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm sad again because of dead parents. May they rest in one piece.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: I only hit the curb once, and it was just because I was distracted by a pigeon with a limp. Poor thing. And then I almost hit the pigeon.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Don't worry about limping pigeons. Over time, they've developed the ability to fake ankle injuries to get more bread from people. It's sad. It used to be such a proud bird.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Without gravel, we couldn't live.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer not living to this conversation.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Judy Cooper: I saved you a seat. It's the one on this stool.
[giggles]
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [laughs] Could we have a word?
Judy Cooper: It's my butt.
[laughs]
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [laughs] Yeah, I know. Ah, in the back.
Judy Cooper: Yeah, I do that, too.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The earth will not be destroyed.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay. Good.
Harry Vanderspeigle: It will kill millions of people though, including all of you. I prefer it with the whipped cream.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: What are we supposed to do with this information?
Dan Twelvetrees: What did you do with it before?
D'Arcy Bloom: Not know it!

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Max Hawthorne: [tazes a hybrid] Someone here ask for an orange?
[holds out a peeled orange]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Is that a catchphrase?
Max Hawthorne: I'm trying it out.
Harry Vanderspeigle: It's not very good.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: And you're a master of control?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, I mean, more of a Jedi, but I'm working towards master.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Kate Hawthorne: You microwaved a turtle?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: No. I microwaved a rock that looks a lot like a turtle.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Planets are alive. On planet Earth, volcanoes, forest fires and earthquakes are just some of its natural processes. They are all necessary for Earth's survival. Even if they take out a few million people now and then.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Gravel is one of the most important building materials in the whole world.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Gravel is big dirt.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Much more complex than that. Without gravel, we couldn't live.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer not living to this conversation.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You stay here.
Max Hawthorne: I wanna help.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Fine. You can help with one thing.
Max Hawthorne: Okay.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Peel this orange. When I get back, I'll eat it.

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [talking about his wife] I want to do it because Kate said it, and I like it when she's happy.
Harry Vanderspeigle: That's an awful way to live

  --  141 Seconds [3.03]
%
[Harry is writing a poem about his love for Heather, the avian alien. He's saying aloud the lines as he writes.]
Harry Vanderspeigle: My love, it sweats / What heat remains in my chest / You are a light in the blackout / I'd like to touch you where the eggs pop out. It's titled "Bird Boner"

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I just saved the world with a banana. How was your day?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
[Heather, the avian processor from the Galactic Housing Council, has arrived via portal to collect the signed eviction papers she previously gave Harry.]
Heather: Look, just give me the signed papers, okay? And then the Housing Council is going to come, and they're going to collect you for eviction.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You smell woodsy. I will sign them.
Asta Twelvetrees: Please, Mrs. Bird...
Heather: Oh, no. Don't come at me with "Mrs. Bird". My Earth name is Heather.
D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, rhymes with feather.
Heather: Yeah, it does. Wish someone had told me that when I picked it.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
General Devanney: How does an alien species dig an underground cavern in the middle of a national park for 80 years and we don't know about it?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I can take that one. Humans are stupid.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: We have been brainstorming all morning. The storm has stopped and now there is just mud.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: If you do something special and nobody knows about it, are you still special?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: He's army recon. He wouldn't just quit. What's even more suspicious is, right when we're looking for another deputy, the perfect candidate just shows up. That's how it works for handsome people. Happens to me all the time. Every job I ever got didn't even exist until I wanted it.
Deputy Liv Baker: The job of sheriff existed before you had it, sir.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Yeah, but it was the day I said to myself, it'd be nice to be sheriff, that old Sheriff Hawthorne up and died. Now, did I kill him? Maybe. Luckily, you can't be arrested for your thoughts... yet. But I'm working on it.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: You wanted a family tree, you got yourself a whole forest.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I saw Elliot today. He has a girlfriend now, which kind of made me feel like shit.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Why are you telling me this?
D'Arcy Bloom: I don't know, because you're an alien. I figure you can't judge me. It's like talking to a dog.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If you were happy that he was happy, then why is your face all mopey and your voice is like wet underwear?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
General Eleanor Wright: [Approaches] Hi!
[With a bright smile]
David Logan: [Slightly panicked, as Wright just silently smiles] I'm retired! You retired me!
[pause]
David Logan: What if I say no?
General Eleanor Wright: [With a slightly eager look on her face] I don't know. Let's find out. That would be fun.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: We could talk about spit blankets.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Heather: Hey, no one's ever taken on the Housing Council before. What's going on with you? You some kind of bad boy or something?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yep, I'm a bad boy.
[breaks a pencil in half]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh. I don't care about it. I'm not even a real doctor.I killed a man. He was evil. I saw him kick a seagull. Oh. And stole its French fry. Uh-uh. So I killed him.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I feel l-love for her. It's... it's like how I feel love for you, Asta, but it is different. It is not just in my head or in my heart, but it is in my pants. Is that why they call it "in love" because it is in your pants?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: If we run out of magnets, I got some more office supplies from Amazon Prime.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: The Transformer?
Deputy Liv Baker: What?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know, Optimus Prime's wife.
Deputy Liv Baker: Uh, no, that's, um, not what I meant. Also, just curious, how would I, like, even meet a Transformer to get a box of magnets from them?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Could be anyplace... the gym, maybe an auto-body shop.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Max Hawthorne: I saw a movie once where a person saw an owl, and it meant they were being abducted by aliens. Does your butt hurt?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Moldar skin is not gross. Moldar skin hats are the best hats.
[singing]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Moldar skin. Try and rip it. You cannot.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: She is perfect in every way. I have a strange desire to smell her. That would be weird. I bet she smells like a feather pillow locked in a hot car.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am building a model of the Yellowstone caldera to figure out what the Greys' plan is to slaughter all of the human race, but I ran out of glitter.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: You see your first alien, mind blowing. And then after that, it's kinda like, mehhh.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Heather: [On phone with Harry] I found this hole with a little bump in it on my stomach, and I've never been nude in human form long enough to notice it. What is it for?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The reason is gross. I threw up when I found out. Humans grow babies inside of their bodies.
Heather: And then they come out of that bump?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No! Although the reality is not much better.
Heather: Ok, I'm going to hang up. I want to go back to exploring every single inch of my body.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] I will never be able to work again.
[Out loud]
Harry Vanderspeigle: My knees.
[Knees buckle and Harry falls down.]

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Heather: You know I get paid by the job, right?
Asta Twelvetrees: And how would I know that?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
[Asta and D'Arcy are trying to help Harry from getting evicted from Earth by the Galactic Housing Council]
Asta Twelvetrees: They can't just make you leave Earth. We will fight this summons.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You do not understand. The Galactic Federation has referred this to *soto voce* the Housing Council. *regular* I-it is over.
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, you can't just give up. We need you here, okay? I don't give a shit about this Housing Council.
Harry Vanderspeigle: No!
[puts his hand over Asta's mouth]
Asta Twelvetrees: *muffled* Mmf!
Harry Vanderspeigle: You cannot talk that way about *soto voce* the Housing Council. It is very dangerous.
Asta Twelvetrees: *muffled* mmm mmmm mmm!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Sorry, I didn't catch that.
D'Arcy Bloom: I can translate. It's mostly about losing a hand.
Harry Vanderspeigle: [removes his hand from Asta's mouth] Oh.
Asta Twelvetrees: Good choice.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Once again, I have followed your instincts and led us to victory.
Deputy Liv Baker: Okay.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: There are many terrifying things in the world, but the most terrifying thing is love.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Luckily, you can't be arrested for your thoughts. YET. I'm workin' on it.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Heather: You can't have feelings for me. Your species has no emotions.
Harry Vanderspeigle: But I do. It's the human in me.
Heather: You ate a human?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. I mean, the DNA.
Heather: Got it. "Cause I was gonna ask you how they ... you know ...
Harry Vanderspeigle: Taste?
Heather: Mm-hmm!
Harry Vanderspeigle: I don't know. Probably like ch... like, ah ... ha ha ha
Heather: You were gonna say chicken.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I wasn't, no.
Heather: Ah, you were.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I was gonna say chap stick. It's a tasty stick ... of wax.
Heather: I've eaten quite a few of them.

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: If you are happy that he was happy, then why is your face all mopey and your voice is like wet underwear?

  --  Avian Flu [3.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: It it exciting to find new places to have sex. You should lock your car door, by the way.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Whoever says, "eats like a bird" never took a bird to sushi.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
General Eleanor Wright: Is this all just a joke to you?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. Just the joke parts.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Heather: I have to go to the bathroom.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will chaperone you like a human male in a false show of protection.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: But whatever it is...
Deputy Liv Baker: It's important enough to kill over.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Damn, Deputy, I was gonna say that. I done waited my whole career to be able to say that something was important enough to kIll over, and I set myself up, and you just jump in.
Deputy Liv Baker: I'm sorry. I didn't know. You could say something else like, "Whatever it is, it's a recipe for death."
Sheriff Mike Thompson: See? That's even better. And I can't say that now because you just said that too. This is a nightmare.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Heather: Make like a Kleenex. Put a little boogie on it.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Asta, I am in love, and it makes me want to dance.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, my God, but it didn't teach you how.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is why you will never know true love and why you will end up lonely spinners.
D'Arcy Bloom: Well, it's spinsters.
Asta Twelvetrees: Why would you correct him?
D'Arcy Bloom: No idea.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Kate Hawthorne: [talking about her son] They'd think he was cool for not caring about science class. I mean, unless they're nerds, but who cares what they think. They're dorks.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You ever consider taking a sabbatical from teaching?
Kate Hawthorne: Every day.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: That will be Asta coming to apologize, probably with a pie. I will get rid of her, but I will keep the pie.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: I would never cross that line without talking to you after that first time I crossed the line without talking to you.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Dr. Vanderspeigle wasn't lying about this chocolate sauce. Makes it fun when you're not sure the ice cream's under there.
Deputy Liv Baker: Well, you bought it at the ice cream shop, so I think you are sure.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, now I am.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I could come over and babysit.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, the last time you babysat, I found an empty wine bottle in the bathtub.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Where is this van? And is it locked?
Asta Twelvetrees: You're not having sex in the van.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Not if I don't know where it is.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to Asta] You never help anyone for them. You do it for you. Because you think helping is the only reason anyone will love you. So you go around, looking for broken and needy people to help, which is perfect that this stray cat
[indicating D'Arcy]
Harry Vanderspeigle: showed up at your door, except she cannot give love back. She can only take more and more because she is a pit of need with no bottom, a sun at the center of her own universe, incapable of caring about anyone but herself.
D'Arcy Bloom: Okay, that's ...
Harry Vanderspeigle: Accurate? Yes.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Judge: So Max, what IS a caldera?
Max Hawthorne: That's right.
Judge: I'm sorry?
Max Hawthorne: That's the project. People love to guess. What is a caldera? Do you know?
Judge: Of course I know. I'm a science teacher.
Max Hawthorne: Great. tell me.
Judge: No. YOU tell me.
Max Hawthorne: I'm sorry. That's not a good enough answer.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I got the final ingredient for my formula. You'll be happy to know I got the matter.
General Eleanor Wright: Good.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You're supposed to say 'What is the matter?' And then I say 'I don't know. Whassa matter with you?'
[laughs]
General Eleanor Wright: Is this all just a joke to you?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. Just the joke parts. Do not worry. I will get to work and find out what the Greys are doing here. As soon as I get the henway.
General Eleanor Wright: What's a henway?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, about six pounds.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Would you like something to drink, my love bird?
Heather: Nectar.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Nectar? I barely knew her.

  --  Lovebird [3.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: After discovering the Greys' plan to change the Earth's atmosphere, I have devised a plan of my own. I am building a bomb that can destroy the Greys' spaceship. And then their stupid, beautiful hybrids will be stuck here and have to get jobs as personal trainers and sideline reporters.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I have had some complaints regarding the Sheriff's Department.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I told you it was a terrible idea to put up that suggestion box.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Yes, I got that from the note you put in the suggestion box telling me to take down the suggestion box.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Taxpayers shouldn't have a say in how their tax dollars are spent. That's anarchy.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, some people call it democracy.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I asked to see you in my office.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: No, you said you'd like to see me in your office. And I don't blame you. Hell, I'm a statue of masculinity. If I was in your office, you'd probably walk in every morning and say, "Damn, now, that's what I want to be."
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: If you were a statue in my office, I'd hang my jacket on you.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'd want you to, because I'd be made out of metal, and I'd be cold.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Joseph Rainier: You love your niece?
Heather: My knees? You're gonna break my knees?
Joseph Rainier: Niece. Your niece, your sister's kid.
Heather: Okay. Well, you could have just said my sister. I love her too.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Nothing like a good gill excavation to make you feel new again.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Heather: Let's not talk about the future. Let's just... let's just talk about the present because it's so special. You know, I think that's why they call it the present, 'cause it's a present.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: This must be what true love is like. When your lover leaves, you feel like you will never see them again. And the sound of her tires peeling out of my driveway, I can tell she is in a hurry to come back to me.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Everything Okay, Deputy? You got your sad face on.
Deputy Liv Baker: Really? I have a sad face?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'll give you a tip. Here, put this pencil in your mouth. Sideways.
[sticks his pencil in her mouth]
Sheriff Mike Thompson: There you go. You feel your smile muscles stretching out? See, when you're sad, you fool your body into thinking you're happy, then you feel happy.
Deputy Liv Baker: How long does it take?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Uh, seven minutes. Of course, I'm a pro, so I did it in three using that very same pencil.
[Liv spits pencil out]

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Now, you are the strongest person I know, except when you're around your Grandma Patty. You need to stand up to her.
Deputy Liv Baker: I can't. She's mean and gives deceptively powerful noogies.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [answering the door in a white robe and blue feather boa] Why are you here?
General Eleanor Wright: I came to see how you're doing. Were you getting dressed? Undressed? Or is this just how it is now?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Would you ask a woman that?

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Hey, Steve, do you think painting the bathroom a combination of mauve and vomit makes bath time enjoyable?

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Let's say you witness an abduction. How exactly are you gonna stop it?
D'Arcy Bloom: Baseball bat. I've seen pictures of Greys on the internet. Their long necks, their heads are just right in my strike zone.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I think my heart is stopping.
Heather: It's not. Hearts are the only thing in the universe that work even after they break. It's the thing that sucks about hearts.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
General Eleanor Wright: Don't fall in love. She's a rental.

  --  Bye Bye Birdie [3.06]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Love is like being shot out of a cannon. Thrilling, except for that very last part when you hit the ground and your body breaks into tiny pieces. That part ruins the trip.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: If I can put my Nana in the hospital, I can do anything.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I saw a coked out squirrel riding a tricycle that'd drive better than that.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, God damn it!
[as Harry plugs in his music]
Asta Twelvetrees: That's it. I'm pulling the plug.
D'Arcy Bloom: Not something you want to hear in a doctor's office.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I hear everything, deputy. I'm like a fennec fox. Look it up. It's cute as hell.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Liza, you are being very naughty. If you do not stop throwing knives at Daddy, I will limit your screen time.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I liked my baby better when he was sweet and not so murder-y. I do not understand. I gave him a good life, a freezing-cold planet to live on where he could run and play and try to kill other children. What does he do? Tries to stab me with a knife. The little scamp.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Are either one of you going to kick me in the nipple?
Kayla: I mean, I wasn't, but now it's all I can think about.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You're saying I'm giving Mike the power in the relationship. I need to find out what's going on, take my power back.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I didn't say any of that.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You know, you have a strange method, but I'm starting to get it. You say the wrong thing for me to learn the right thing.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Wrong.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Right.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [voiceover] I had a bad feeling. I only get bad feelings about bad people. And since my job only puts me with bad people, I feel bad all the time.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Mary-Ellen Taylor: You're better than me, is that right?
Asta Twelvetrees: Probably.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: He might be following us.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I know half his ass is, because it's in the bumper.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Sahar: I don't even have a child, and I know not killing it is, like, the main thing.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I would be so sad if I did not know that my baby existed. And I realize now that happiness is not just getting love but getting to love.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [to Sahar] You were not missed.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, and notice I didn't ask why you're cuffed to the bed. That is something a mature person would do, and I want credit.
Kate Hawthorne: Yeah, I noticed. Thanks for that. It's nothing weird. It's... it's not a sex thing.
D'Arcy Bloom: Actually, the sex version would be the not weird explanation.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Joseph Rainier: I can't be misogynistic about a person that does not exist.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, hell yeah, you can. The whole world's a landmine.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: A guy could tail people all day, hoping one of 'em will surprise him. By the end of that day, all he'd have is a hat full of disappointment and gum on the bottom of his shoe. Ohh. Gumshoe. I get it.

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Who put a booger in my home?

  --  Here Comes My Baby [3.07]
%
General Eleanor Wright: I spent my entire life looking for aliens so that I can kill them all and rid this Earth of all you monsters.
Harry Vanderspeigle: This is my safe space. I'm feeling not safe.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans spend most of their lives searching for something. Some days, it's a Grey hybrid alien who stole your bomb. The next day, it's car keys.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: It was D'arcy.
Harry Vanderspeigle: She would not steal a bomb. There is not even any vodka in it.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm going to stick my hand up your ass and puppet you like you belong on public television.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Joseph, please. Look, I... I know that there is a human part of you that cares. I saw it the night that we went out. You know, before you threatened to kill me.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Some people think the most efficient form of human transportation is rolling.
Deputy Liv Baker: Are you the some in "some people"?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, let's just say when I was in fifth grade, I did 40 miles per hour rolling down Pike's Hill. My elbows, they still sound like a bag of chains when I do push-ups. And I ain't talking 50¢ pieces. I'm talking dimes.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Detective Lena Torres: There's no such thing as aliens. It's just disinformation spread by the government to cover up their gene-splicing program.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Finally. Somebody gets it.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Joseph Rainier: I should have killed you better the first time.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: We have a joke on my planet. What is the best way to cloak a ship above Earth? You do not need to, because humans are too afraid to look up. It is funnier in my language.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
General Eleanor Wright: Who would steal the bomb?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Joseph. He must have slipped in while I was sleeping. Handsome people. They think they can just do anything.

  --  Homecoming [3.08]
%
Judy Cooper: What do you need? Blood? They won't take mine in the clinic, so I have plenty extra.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You are the Grinch.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: But the Grinch only comes at Christmas, so can't be.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: The hell does the Grinch do the rest of the year?

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Maybe when beings know each other for a while, they can't help but see more good in them. Or maybe this lip balm is just fermenting.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: The fake pizza that the Mantid had was pepperoni.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: In prison, your world is very small. It is made difficult by how little you have, and worse by what you do not have at all. Prison is a concept that many beings in the universe do not bother with. If you do not want someone in your way, you just kill them. There is kindness in murder.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I'm actually proficient in all six, but I don't need any of them because you have hook-up hair.
Joseph Rainier: Hey. I like her hooker hair.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Maybe sometimes, the good in humans is hard to notice when you are next to them, like staring at a distant star. You cannot see it when you look directly at it. Sheriff Mike was a good adversary, fair, and always smelled like a campfire.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Cool, so we went from pretty illegal to really illegal.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Memory is cruel. Humans are annoying, but when you believe you will never see them again, you begin to remember only the good things. Now I am beginning to miss people I do not even like.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I don't want to be sitting here in therapy every week. I mean, I'm the last bastion of civility and grace in this town, not to mention power and good looks.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Joseph Rainier: I don't work for the Greys anymore. But I do know how they operate. The whole baby stealing thing is their bread and butter. Sure, there were some layoffs after the Yellowstone disaster, but not the baby stealing division. Those jobs are safe.

  --  Prisoners [4.01]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Joseph ain't some head-eating alien. I mean, think about it. The guy tried to shoot us. Now, if I wanted to kill somebody and I could eat heads, I'd eat the head. I wouldn't shoot them. And I wouldn't shoot them first and then eat the head, because then it's just a dead head, and it probably ain't as juicy.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humanity is infectious. If you let it, it will get into your blood and travel all the way to your heart.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Ellen Cho: I thought about stopping them, but then I thought it'd be funnier if I didn't.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Now you tell me what type of animal can bite a head off with one bite, I mean, besides an orca, obviously.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, don't you die on me, not before I finish betraying you.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans have many flaws--worthless pinky toes, they can't smell cancer even if it grows in their nose. But of all the flaws humans have, the biggest one is their ability to lie to themselves. Luckily, I am not human, so I do not have that flaw.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Kate Hawthorne: If he comes to kill you, I can trap him.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I'm not sure I like the "my husband as bait" firection this is taking.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Kate Hawthorne: Our son out there with a killer alien on the loose. Man, they'll just let anybody be parents, won't they?

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: She puts that painting pig down at the county fair to shame. Although she's got the advantage, right? She can--she can use her hands. She ain't gotta put the pencil in her mouth like Lil Pigcasso.
Deputy Liv Baker: Thank you.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh God. We are not getting married, okay? Because *we* were never a thing. We were just two people who sometimes had sex.
Joseph Rainier: I'm sorry, that means something where I come from.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Reminds me of this lady back in DC, mm. She died in her sleep surrounded by 78 cats. She wasn't dead ten minutes before they started turning her corpse into a damn Golden Corral.

  --  The Lonely Man [4.02]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: [reading a brochure] "So You Wanna Time Travel?" Traversing the space-time continuum "may cause serious side effects, including incontinence, rectal bleeding, or a prolonged and painful erection." All right, so it's not all bad. Let's do this.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: And Kate doesn't even know where she is. Which is not as bad as it sounds, but that is all I can say. Please don't look inside me. Please. Okay, fine. Yes, it's Kate's baby. And she was taken by aliens and then we were on a spaceship, which is actually inside the moon. And... and... and Joseph, the deputy, is also an alien who likes to play doctor and nurse in the bedroom, except I'm the doctor and he's the nurse. Happy now?

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Storytelling is a way to take someone to someplace they have never been, a way to travel through time. Dale's stories make me wish I could return to a time before I was even born.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
General Eleanor Wright: What are the Greys planning to do with it?
Harry Vanderspeigle: They will obliterate my planet. It sounds worse than it is.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You, stole my girlfriend.
Jules Gardner: Right. Well, I was drunk and your date was a lesbian.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Yeah, maybe for, like, a night.
Jules Gardner: We dated for six years.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
Mantid: Should have known. Eat a couple of human heads, cops start swarming, and soon, every loser in town has a crime podcast. I guess it's not that bad. Mix it up a little. Eat a few wild animals while things calm down. When we were young, we'd eat anything with a pulse. Nobody talked about carbs or protein intake. Suppertime.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, I'm the mayor, so I'm obviously a professional.
Deputy Liv Baker: If snipping ribbons with fake giant scissors counts.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Those aren't fake. They cut. Ask Charlie Jones about his ear.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: You seem pretty confident for somebody walking on a beach from 50 years ago.

  --  Ties That Bind [4.03]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I cannot believe I hate cow milk so much. But then I hate myself for loving almond milk this much. I'm a basic bitch.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Judy Cooper: When I worked at the cemetery in high school, the guys called me Deep Hole Judy, 'cause that was my nickname when I got there.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Remember when you said I was abducted by aliens?
D'Arcy Bloom: Sorta. I remember that I joke around a lot. And also, I'm drunk a lot. So who knows what I've said?

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I think that you were right.
D'Arcy Bloom: That doesn't sound like me.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am only what is left after everything good has been taken away.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I thought being honest with Heather about who I am would make me feel better. But now I feel worse, and so does she. Maybe this is why humans hide how they feel. Being your true self hurts too much.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Your dad crapped in the mashed potatoes.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Therapy is just listening to complaints.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Heather: [a shapeshifting female alien] If you want me to just have one measly vagina, that's what I'll do.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You would do that for me?

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: I actually know exactly who to call to dig a grave.

  --  Truth Hurts [4.04]
%
Peter Bach: Just remember, the only person who will always be with you is you. And when that's enough, you'll never be lonely.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Deputy Liv Baker: The last dinner I went to was a murder mystery thing a couple months ago.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Let me guess. You solved it right away and ruined the night for everyone?
Deputy Liv Baker: They knew I was a cop when they invited me.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [walking toward a kitchen] Smell like a bunch of yum up in this bitch.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans are just like animals. Both are drawn to communal areas. This is why bars are called watering holes. Bars are also called church so that Irish men do not have to lie to their wives.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Jay: Breathe.
Asta Twelvetrees: Why? That would just keep me alive.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, what is friend zoned? It's like you're outside a cupcake shop, right? And the line is real long, but you wait, 'cause those cupcakes are great. And you finally get in, but now the cupcake's sleeping with somebody who slipped in the back door.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm not an alien anymore. I'm just a human man trying to backdoor a human woman.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: In the mornings, he is so cute. Sometimes, I just want to punch him in the throat!

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: When I was an alien, I thought being a father was just freezing your child in the ice wind desert and kicking him in the face. But now it feels like there is so much more.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: As humans, fishing is not about catching fish. It's about talking about how we are not catching fish.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: How am I not a good human?
Max Hawthorne: Good humans don't sneak into young boys' bedrooms, get in their beds, and say, let's be friends. It's weird, and probably illegal.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: [barges in] I didn't know if this was a doorbell house or a knock house.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: So you didn't do either. Welcome.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Judy, the first rule of break-ins is don't get your arm stuck in the door.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: As humans, we are good at knowing who we were and who we think we are, but not so good at knowing who we really are.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Running has existed in the universe for billions of years as a necessary part of a creature's survival. Modern humans do this too, but they call it jogging. If a human from a million years ago saw us running for fun, he would laugh and laugh until the sound brought a woolly mammoth to eat him.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I think most humans are alone-ly. That is why so many people believe in aliens. It is comforting for them to know they are not alone.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh. No, thank you. I don't like candles.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Uh, what exactly doesn't work for you about the tiny, magical controlled fire that has been illuminating the lives of human beings for thousands of years?

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [thinking to himself] Because humans have diminished mental capacity and bad eyesight, we must hang giant reminders for ourselves. How else will remember where the incredibly huge body of water is? And if you can show your life is better than everyone else's, you win humaning.

  --  The Human Condition [4.05]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: [talking about a prison planet] It is a slow, agonizing death in a noxious acid pit 1,000 times more acidic than the warmest cola drink, impossible to escape, like one of those diseased ball pits at rat cheese pizza.

  --  Soul Providers [4.06]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Jude, you're a genius.
Judy Cooper: Yeah, like, sometimes I'll go to the grocery store really drunk and forget I even went. And then I open the fridge, and I'm like, how'd that dead chicken get in there?

  --  Soul Providers [4.06]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Did we even drink last night?
Judy Cooper: I don't know. I was so wasted, I blacked out.

  --  Soul Providers [4.06]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: This baby was raised by aliens. For all we know, it could crawl up your anus and live inside you. It's not going to happen to me, though, 'cause I always keep my anus clenched. This is every day for me. Let me know if you want any sphincter exercises.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Oh, I won't let you know anything.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I always thought bad humans were born bad, that it was in their DNA, like hair color or liking those plain house salads that have no flavor. But maybe it is the parent, the first person a child trusts who has the ability to mold that child into who they will become.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: You did try to kill me 11 times.
Ed: So now it's my fault for coddling you.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You adopted a baby?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Oh. Uh, yeah. Exactly. Sorry we couldn't tell you, pal. Um, but these things fall through... You know, a lot of lawyers.
Max Hawthorne: Will I get less allowance now?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: No.
Max Hawthorne: Cool.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Now I gotta be there for me.
Asta Twelvetrees: [jokingly] Well, then you have no shot.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Separating from a parent or even someone who acts like a parent is scary for humans, and hard... And very, very hard when that son of a bitch will not leave your cabin.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans are driven by choice. Sometimes the choice is difficult, like selecting a pizza topping, unless one of the choices is anchovies. Those are cat food.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans are born dependent on a parent for survival. They require a close emotional bond to feel safe, and later, to trust that the parent will not murder them for wrecking the car on prom night. I do not want an emotional bond with my father. I only want him to give me what he has in that little tube, my alien energy, and to stop adjusting the thermostat.

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: ... and that's why we knock !

  --  Daddy Issues [4.07]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Do not disrespect my dead father, who I just murdered.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Why do humans have so many knock-knock jokes if they never knock, knock?

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Buddy, you didn't think to tell us that the town doctor is an alien? You know, he prescribes Adderall! And sometimes won't.
Max Hawthorne: I... did tell you. You told me I was broken and wanted to send me to a school in Georgia for special kids.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: And it was a nice school. They had horses.
Kate Hawthorne: They did.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Sahar Karimi: That's just Deputy Liv.
Max Hawthorne: [staring at the individual Sahar believes to be Deputy Liv] No, it's not.
[the individual is shown to be the Mantid, who waggles its mandibles]
Max Hawthorne: Deputy Liv is the Mantid.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans do not like change. They find comfort in their lives staying the same. I think for humans, seeing your son hugging an alien does not count as comfort.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Kate Hawthorne: Thank you for turning back into a human. That was a lot.
Kate Hawthorne,Harry Vanderspeigle: It was easy. It was like putting on a coat, one with broad shoulders, great hair, and nipples like Spanish doubloons.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Well, thanks for ruining history and nipples for us.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Son of a bitch.
Deputy Liv Baker: It's the new doctor. He's an alien.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Son of a bigger bitch.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Good afternoon, folks, and welcome to the Patience Old Mining Days Festival. Enjoy the festivities. But remember, the 1800s were a dangerous time. So have fun, laugh with your neighbors, but also remember, they might be trying to kill you.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I would poke your eyes out, but my fireplace poker is stuck in my dead father.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Deputy, take a big whiff. That is the smell of success.
Deputy Liv Baker: Or it's just the sharpie ink.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: That, too. We should probably open a window.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Everyone looks like they're having fun.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Yeah, so do kids in an outdoor bouncy house before a gust of wind rips the safety line off and little Timmy is a kite.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
[Sheriff Mike has learned that Harry is an alien.]
Sheriff Mike Thompson: So, do you got a glowing finger, y'know, can levitate stuff with your mind, or is that strictly an E.T. thing?
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is offensive. What if I asked, "Uh, do all sheriffs have a badge and a gun?"
Sheriff Mike Thompson: We do!
Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh.
[hold up right index finger]
Harry Vanderspeigle: Mine just does this.
[holds up left middle finger]
Harry Vanderspeigle: . This one does this.

  --  Mine Town [4.08]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans lived in caves for thousands of years, until they came out into the light and invented things like beach volleyball and skin cancer. But to change and grow, sometimes humans have to go back into the darkness again. I will come out of this darkness changed, or maybe not come out at all, which would be sad. I saved half of my pizza from last night, and I could have just finished the whole thing.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Time is like fire. It can harden things like rocks and bread or soften them like butter and hearts. Not all change is the same, but all things change.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Max Hawthorne: Why does everyone keep telling me I can't.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Because you are a child. Yes, you are tall. And yes, in the evenings, you smell like a dead animal, but a child. Plus, your father would be mad if I let you die. I will never hear the end of his whining.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Come back here, you little fetus monster!

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Kate Hawthorne: I want to live like that all the time, not letting fear stop me.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I love it. Maybe you could teach me that.
Kate Hawthorne: Hey, I'm not a miracle worker.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm so glad you did not die.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, me too.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Kate Hawthorne: I'm gonna grab an ACE bandage and self-medicate like a sorority pledge.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Time is like fire, it can harden things like rocks and bread, or soften them like butter and hearts. Not all change is the same, but all things change. Asta came close to death to learn what she wants, and I came trillions of miles to earth, now the threats here are gone. We can finally be what our journey through fire has made us, who we were meant to be.

  --  Tunnel Vision [4.09]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans think they need love from others to be happy. They do not realize they already have all the love they will ever need inside of them. Maybe the real magic happens when you give that love away.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'm nocturnal and dayturnal. The real word is "diurnal," but I changed it 'cause "diurnal" sounds like where Germans piss.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: It is true that helping others is the most important thing humans can do. Maybe saying thank you is the second most important.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
D'Arcy Bloom: Why didn't your dream tell me to pee before we left?

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Asta Twelvetrees: You're not killing anyone, especially not with baby aspirin.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am going to kill him so much.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: The student evaluations come out?
Kate Hawthorne: No. Who cares? They're all liars anyway.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Kate Hawthorne: I mean, alien abduction's made you who you are. Strange.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: A weirdo. Eh, I mean, I can say it,.
Kate Hawthorne: You are my weirdo.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Harry Vanderspeigle: And I'll reach down his throat and pull out his stomach.
D'Arcy Bloom: What?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Or his lungs, whichever way my hand goes.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [to a Grey alien girl in human disguise] I'm not afraid of you or any of your little alien friends anymore so if you go near my family again, I will kill you. And I can do it. I'm the mayor.
[waving his finger]
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I am the mayor of this town and I will kill all of you!
[all of the kids except the alien girl run away screaming]
Cookie Girl: [nonchalant] Those other girls aren't with me.
Kate Hawthorne: Shit! Grab some cookies!
[she grabs some boxes of cookies, Mayor Ben kicks the rest to the ground]

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
David Logan: You'll fit right in here.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: No way, I'm out.
Major Hill: You'll keep your job and you'll be issued specialized weaponry no one else has.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'm in. But under one condition.
Deputy Liv Baker: [suddenly appears] What the hell?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Sorry, Deputy. It's the only way we could do this. I need a partner. I join the Men in Black.
David Logan: Uh, tha-- that's not what it's called.
Deputy Liv Baker: What? N-- no. I'm not doing that.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Sorry, Deputy. You have no choice. You've seen our faces. If you don't join, we gonna have to kill you.
Major Hill: We don't do that.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: She's seen too much.
David Logan: No she hasn't.
Deputy Liv Baker: Please stop advocating for them to kill me. I'll think about it. Geez.

  --  The End Is Here [4.10]
%
